Hi, everyone. I am actually an old timer. I just haven't written for a while. Reviewing quickly. My husband started an affair 4+ years ago. I have tried to work it out but he doesn't participate in his relationships. Therefore not a whole lot of progress was made. Last spring I told him he needed to end it with the ow and work on us or move out. In Sept he moved out. It was suppose to be temporary to see if he could get his feelings back. However he saw the ow several times during that time. By the way his relationship with her is a long distance one. She lives a 1000 miles away. Anyway he went there for Thanksgiving and she has been here for Christmas. Anyhow needless to say he has decided to stay longer by taking an apartment for a year.<BR>I know that our relationship got off track a long time ago. He has not felt great love for us for many years. But he also suffers with depression and I believe that a lot of the way he views and remembers us is through the lens of depression. He is on meds for 4+ years now. It does make a difference but it doesn't change his memories. He remembers negative or nothing at all. Least of all the good times. I made a scrapbook of our 22 years of marriage. After he looked at it he said I guess things were better then I thought.<BR>However, this is not his first affair come to find out. I didn't know that until 2 years ago. He stayed and we have two beautiful children. I don't understand how some people can be so self centered. He said once that he has sucked everything there is out of us. Well if you don't put something back in to it it does eventually dry up.I have tried plan A and am generally still doing that. I have stopped trying to talk him into staying. I still believe that this relationship could work if he put some effort into it. As I have seen when on occassion in the past he briefly put some effort into it. It is hard doing it all yourself. So basically I don't put any efort into it now. <BR>However, it is so hard seeing him all the time. I see him between 3-4 times a week as he spends time with the younger daughter frequently. The older daughter goes to boarding school and doesn't have a great relationship with her Dad for many reasons. But it is so hard seeing him. Also it is just plain hard. When you still love someone and you've been the one that has repeatedly been hurt it is hard to understand. I should be the one wanting to end it. But I believe that God can save a marriage and I believe in my vows. But I'm beginning to believe that God is answering no on this one.<BR>I am trying hard to figure me out. I am working on myself. I have started a masters in social work/counseling. It is very challenging. It is hard to be a single mom and having to devote so much energy to school. I love it but at the time I didn't expect him to move out. It has been a life saver in many ways, by diverting my attention.<BR>I just find myself crying all the time lately. Anything is lible to set it off. I hate hurting and I hate crying all the time. I feel like a wimp. I know I have done all I can for this marriage and if he doesn't want it there is not much I can do. I just wish it was easier to accept. I do trust God, and I know he will use this for good. I just hurt. Thanks for listening.

hw,<P>It is good to here about somone who has been so persistant.<P>I thought I was persistant... and loyal... and faithful to my vows... and <B>I still think so...</B><P>But my downfall was assuming I was doing a <B><I>good</I></B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. My revelation came after 2 session with Steve Harley, who pointed out that... "Yes, the main idea of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is to avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... but that is <B>NOT</B> all it is." Steve said that no matter what... just your words about "So basically I don't put any efort into it now"... <I>isn't enough</I>. You've got to do more! You've got to try and satisfy <B>his</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... at least some of them. If you don't... both your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Banks</A> will simply drain to negative balances... and then it will be completely over.<P>Try and rejuvenate yourself...<BR>Hey... New Years resolution time... <P>I put out a post a few days ago about my session and a followup on a better understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... check it out at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>Hey... we're all in this mess together...<BR>Do cry... we <B>all</B> need that too... even us guys...<P>Come and post more often...<BR>There is a lot of support from many... especially those who thought to go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... and now realize a stronger effort in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is what is really needed!<P>Jim

NSR-<BR>But how do you fulfill their emotional needs when thay choose not to live with you any more. Sometimes it is hard to carry on a conversation. I don't want to ask what did you do New Years? I don't want to know about him and the ow. and I don't think he'd tell me. I do ask about work and we talk about stocks. He rarely asks about me. That is what makes it so hard. I am always the initiator. If I make no effort nothing gets said except what has to get said. I do offer to drive him home occassionally. We live in the city and although he doesn't live far it is far enough for a subway and there are no direct ones between the two locations.<BR>When he was over today I did ask him about what movies he'd seen. He hadn't gone out to any. He saw The Perfect Plan last night (rented). He told me about the plot. I said I'd seen Cider House Rules. He had it mixed up with Snow falling on Cedars, so I told him about it. But the fact that he hasn't gone out to any surprises me, he is such a movie buff! He has taken our daughter a few times. I guess he rents and watches in.<BR>I have emotionally supported him for a very long time. The problem is it is all one sided. I think he left partly because he doesn't participate. He knows it but he seems unable to do anything about it. It baffles me.<BR>I says he has lost respect for me. I guess because I didn't stand up to his infidelity more. I don't really know why. But I wonder how do you respect someone who goes out with a married man when thye claim to hate adultry (as the ow does) Yet, not respect someone who has stuck by you through all the hard and good times. He did say one time to me when he was thinking of ending it with the ow "I guess I prefer someone who plays by the rules." Meaning me. But alas he forgets, I guess. They have a very strong bond emotionally. He has detached from me.<BR>I will not completly give up. I trust God. Thanks for answering, NSR.<BR>

Hw,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But how do you fulfill their emotional needs when thay choose not to live with you any more.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...the million dollar question. Idle chit-chat... even about movies... isn't all it takes to hit on his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... (unless this is a form of "social companionship"?)<P>You still have contact...<BR>How about asking him?... about his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>?...<BR>Will he spend some time filling out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A>...or better yet... the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>? Whether alone (separate) or together? Is he familiar with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builders Concepts</A>? Can you introduce him to it?...<P>Any shot at counseling? Perhap MB based?<P>Either of the above could show as a sign of "standing up" against his infieity? No?<P>If all else fails... Steve H. recommends <B><I>trial and error</I></B> to get to his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... Difficult... yes! High risk/Low reward... yes! But it is something... <P><BR>

Hi hw,<BR>I wish I could say something that would make things better for you, or help you out in some way, but I don't know what I can say, except that from reading your post, I admire you for trying to make your marriage work under the horrible circumstances you've described. You certainly are not a wimp! As for me, I'm not certain I would have the stick-to-it attitude that you've displayed. I admire all those on this forum who have put almost superhuman, heroic efforts into rebuilding their marriages. It's inspiring!<BR>I can only say that I am trying to empathize with your pain, and that I care, and that I will pray for you. I have moments when I just cry myself. Hang in there. We're all pulling for you! <BR>Pilgrim

NSR-<BR>What did you mean "unless this is a form of social companionship?"<P>As far as MB> we've talked about them. We have been in counseling, but I regret to say maybe it wasn't the best. I have referred him to many books and have talked until I am blue in the face. I think to say much more now may actually be a love buster. I think I play the waiting game. But I have been in limbo so long. It just gets hard. I am in counseling and he is also separately. Now the kids are as well. At least he is great about providing for us. Howver, that is all he feels responsible for. If I complain he always refers to that issue. He has always been an ample provider but he doesn't give of himself emotionally.<BR>As a result I believe I have suffered emotionally. I am trying to understand why I want it so bad. I can say its because I love him and I want to do it right. I can also say that a few weeks before he met the ow, God said, "Put me in the middle of your marriage." I have been trying to do that. But my h also has his own will and God will not force him. I'm just beginning to think the answer is no. and maybe there is something better Gpd has to offer in the future. But then I think, God hates divorce. He wants it to work. I go round and round. Mostly I just try to pray and understand myself in light of it all and practice patience!<BR>Thanks Pilgram for the encouraging words. They do help. I am glad I have come back to MB. Actually a while ago I wanted to but I couldn't get on. A glitch in my computer. But it is fixed. <BR>Thanks again.<BR>