On Dec. 30th W & OP had their "private" New Years party. Private? They & stay at a hotel owned by some friends of US, were chatting with our friends up until very late; when I learned this I asked to stop doing this things but she says what's the big deal. She just doesn't get it!!<P>Yesterday I had a lot of work and got lucky with three offers D was with me all day, we left the office at 3:30 and took her (rather, she took me) to the closest McDonald's (yuck!!) where we swallowed that stuff (we were starving) and she played for a while. W came back home at 5 and immediately beeped me wondering where we were.<P>At night we went to this party that some dear friends throw in every year. Everyone was asking me if C… (Wife) was OK, because she looked sad or sick of something, when I asked her she got upset & said that was very tired & had a headache, I responded with what I thought were good wishes for 2YK & then she got really upset, saying than she was there with me, wasn't she, so what else did I want, why can't I leave her alone, did I want her to dance with me or something? I got up and went outside; after about 10 minutes she followed me & we talked until midnight- then we joined the others for the countdown and best wishes, etc.<P>Then all of a sudden I was feeling nothing, and I mean NOTHING. It was sort of a blessing. C… & D left at around 1, I stayed until 2 and then went to a restaurant with a couple friends of us until 4:30, when they dropped me off AND then I took my car I went to this bar until 6 this morning. I mean it when I say I wasn't feeling anything, I was out trying to enjoy what I thought was freedom but felt empty.<P>Today I again feel nothing but I don't like it, I still feel empty; If can't feel joyful I prefer pain over this. Have you guys ever felt this way?<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 02, 2000).]

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hey Alex,<P>You know I'm with ya. It has been well over a week that I can not find love for Val. I was hoping that it was only another phase that I was going through. I can't say that I feel empty inside. I'm happy with life again. <P>This goes back to a conversation I had with a dear friend. I asked her if she was happily married. She said she is always happy and didn't marry to find happiness. She married for love.<P>My first W had indicated that she would like to get back together if this relationship ends in divorce. I was the betrayer in the first round. What goes around comes around. I can't do that because of what I did to her. I still find it hard to imagine that I was capable of hurting another so much. I will take this guilt to the grave.<P>I believe that I had a revelation the other night chatting with Sheba. Val went out of her way to make me happy. She would suprise me with all kinds of gifts and was just the best W/friend to me. She would do anything for me. I can admit that I was a rotten lousy H.<P>I have been an alcoholic for the last 12 years and am making progress stopping and cutting down. Hardly a day went by without a beer or two, well maybe three. Boy that sucks admitting that. I had/have a chemical imbalance upstairs because of the abuse.<P>OK, I think I will stop now. Diarrhea of the mouth.<P>Take care Buddy.<P>Tim

OOPPSS,<P>Forgot to add that I don't think that I deserve Val's love because of the abuse that I inflicted on her.

Tim<BR>You wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can't do that because of what I did to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have read similar comments before from betrayers, and I don't understand. Why does guilt stop betrayers from wanting to reconcile, or to rectify the situation? What are you worried will happen? I sometimes wonder if my H would feel that way if and when his affair ends. I am just trying to understand.<P>I am glad that you are making progress re: the alcoholism. I don't think my father ever got over the effects of his father's alcoholism. Fortunately he didn't follow in his father's footsteps.<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited January 02, 2000).]

Hey Tim,<P>I can relate to the alcohol problem since my high school days. When C & I started dating and later living together we went to discos & parties all the time and when we met we both thought it was going to be a one weekend thing, so it wasn't a great deal if I was drunk. Later I used to party without her at least once a week, sometimes didn't remember where I was or with whom. This lasted for years until she moved out in '89- that really rocked me and I totally stopped drinking & reprogramming my self for a full year, now I can drink socially without losing it. But, I don't think she ever forgave me for all this, she just put it in that sack.<P>I think OP is an alcoholic too, or a potential one- last week I saw how a few (OK a lot) of drinks made real damage (she couldn't walk straight or drive), W says it was the stress- but come on- they've been together for less than 2 months & when I asked her (W) about it she conceded OP getting drunk "3 or 4 times" (totally lost I guess).<P>The funny thing, our relationship was really intense those days when I drank. I probably should take up the bottle again (just kidding). I almost got my feelings back a while ago- not for her but about the family we are losing- when we took our (probably) last family X-Mas tree, and later when she decided to give away all this baby stuff that she was saving for the 2nd child than now has not a chance- this gave me some feelings... sort of rage, sort of sadness.<P>Alex

Nellie,<P>I have absolutely no idea why I can't get over the betrayal thing with Toni. <P>I have absolutely no idea why I can't get over hurting Val.<P>Right now I feel that I don't deserve to have anyone love me.<P>I'll be back. My son just came in and killed my other computer.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Tim,<P>Maybe you should start working on forgiving YOURSELF. You deserve everything, but you must allow it to reach you.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Alex,<P>I wish I could forgive myself. In my first marriage I made a conscious decision to stray from my W. Life was not good in the home. I could have changed that if I was so inclined. I pussed out and took the easy way out. <P>This time around I was a total [censored]. I was a rotten lousy H. I wont argue that. There is no way that Valerie could have treated me better. She was the best. When I wasn't working I was drinking. Yep, that was really worth it. I could have quit if I wanted to. Didn't see the forrest for the trees. She found someone who appreciated her.<P>A buddy told me life sucks for everybody. Not like this. <P>See ya