NY, thank you for your encouragement. Believer is really haelpful too. I thin that I just don't feel well pysically. Today there are 3 meetings, I almost fell asleep in those meetings. S had half day. parents are calling for help, not big things and urgent. But they think those are urgent. They don't drive, don't speak English. Everything drive me crazy.

S have a conference this afternoon. They are practicing following instructions. Parents have an assignment. S wrote the instruction for coloring a shirt on paper. Me and H had to do them seperately but following the same instruction. We ended up 2 totally different shirts. From that I can how different we understand things and view things.

L&H, I'm concerned for you. This mess is affecting your health. How can you get yourself out of it? It is not hard. Just write your plan B letter and get him out of the house. Then you can sleep and eat and not be sick.

Just J, Thank you for your concern. I am still hanging in here.

Getting him out of the house is my last resort. I can't funtion without him being here. I don't have any other relative here besides my parent. They are about 30 minutes apart, they don't drive, they don't speak English, they are my burden too. Like couple days ago, if he is not home taking care of the kids, what am I going to do? It is really a practical matter now.

At least I will wait to what happen at the MB seminar. I will go to a cruise with my sister prior to the seminar. My summer schedule will be very strange too. I will teach 3 evenings and Saturday. Who is going to take care of the kids if he is out? At least now, if i tell him that i have to go to different functions, he will stay home. I am going to more and more of these function so he can stay home more. Next week, I will go to a Women's dinner, Friday, I will go to a Fraternity dinner, Sunday afternoon I will go to some student's honor convocation. Just to get myself busy and have him stay with the kids, not OW.

Hang in there lostnhurt. I think things will get better for you. You just have to do the time, almost like being in jail.

After awhile the hurt won't hurt so much. It is miserable going through it, but does not last forever.

By the way, how are your kids doing?

Believer, thanks for your encouragement. Kids are ok. This evening, S had a parents conference. H and I went, it ended at 7pm. H came straight from work. After the confence, H left again. He said he would go back to work. Do I believe him? Of course not. Believer, you are right, I feel numb, the t doesn't hurt that much anymore. But my temper went short.

On the other hand, if he is here what is the difference? He isolated himself, he did not participate. In addition, I can't use computer to post. We have 2 computers, and his lap top all connected to internet. But I can't post infront of him. But now I am free. I will have to take the kids to bed, then I am free.

Still feel so down today. My arm and legs are so tired, like I've been in the marathon for years. This morning I had a very brief talk with him. I told him that it hurts me when he went out, I cried. He said that if that hurts so much he can move out so i don't see him. I said no. He said we've better seperate for a while, we are not suitable for each other. I just cried.

Then all the negative thought came to me while I was driving. I wanted to die, I want die in his arm. But how about my kids. Now I understand why people took their kids with them when they died. If I do that, he will be left GUILTY for the rest of his life. I know that I should not do that, especially as a Christian, I even should not think about it. But satan just came. It is my weak moment. I will have to keep praying for more patience and peace.

I am feeling way way down. OW'H e-mailed me back. He is still denying. he said there is an Indian girl at WH's work. Which i knew about. What is going on this world? Wh told me he watched the opera wiht another W., that was her. GOD please help me. I am crazy now.

I am reading Awed's link to a FWH's post. I just feel so hopeless at this moment, I can not control myself. I am crying so hard. But I have to go home to take care of the kids. Why am I not stronger? How to feel less pain?

L&H,

Hi there girl! Wuz up? ok first things first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There I hope you can make the effort to smile and see the positive in your life right now. You have beautiful kids and your parents are still alive and your H is still with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Ok i know that sucks that he's there but you don't feel he's there that's why it's important for you to learn how to detach detach detach...do you have that link if not let me know I will forward them to you.

Look they do the same thing over and over, my partner went out last night and didn't come hm til 12:30 AM which was early to his stds. Before that he called me and told me he and his buddy are going to a party, i was pissed off but didn't show it over the phone but after I vented here...see my post...and then prayed and controlled my emotion until I fell asleep. He came home all sweet and nice and I did feel it was a legit night out but the good thing is I was able to hold back my LB, if not I would have gotten the same thing your H told you..that he'll move out if you can't take it.

To make the story short girl, I woke up with a detached attitude but still kept my sweetness towards him and though he's thought of moving out before this morning he said I can't do it i care 4 u so much and i'll miss u... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ok, maybe just sweet talk but it seems to be working, accdg to our good frd Awed, it's the key to Plan A, no LBs and no control, no timelines either make them come to you don't force him...now if there's still another girl or OW maybe a long heart to heart is in place. But don't LB!!!

Btw, did you read the post yesterday or the other day re. "What I learned from my counseling?" oh it's so good I'm making it my creed. if you can't find it tell me as I've saved it.

Hey it's a nice day here in Chicago, beautiful a bit cloudy but warm so that alone is a blessing, do something positive for yourself, stop obsessing about your H, he's a big boy now common, focus about YOU and he'll take care of his own problems. That's his problem so let him worry about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When he's ready then he'll come back to you, meanwhile detach and enjoy the day, your kids even attend to your parents, cmon it's not that bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ok kiddo, I'm praying 4 u today, forget about H today, worry about you and your health and the kids! Do some shopping or walk around downtown just forget about H ok? Do some gardening too.

Lots of love and prayers and hugs!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BF

L&H,

My heart goes out to you right now. Seems like you are strong when I am not and vice versa. I am actually feeling a bit more calm right now, which is odd considering I'm actually weaning myself off my Xanax (the tranquilizers) to see if they are what are making me extra nervous and jittery.

I'm sure I'll be calling on everyone starting tonight to help me survive again, because it's the weekend and weekends are my really tough time.

As for your thoughts, if they get too bad, PLEASE see a doctor, but as for random really strange thoughts, I've had them, too. Awful things. We just have to keep reminding ourselves (and each other) to keep praying for strength so that we can keep going.

I know that when I have a day or two where I feel like I just can't take any more (and I have a LOT of them), it seems like right after that something will happen that will lighten my load for just a little while. I pray that happens for you today.

LL

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Bf and LL, thank you friends. I read a lot lot here, in awed's link about a FWH. It made me feel better. Your care and concern made me feel much much better too. I know that i have to detach from him. I know what I have to do in Plan A. Sometimes we are just weak, fall short. I pray that I can be strong again. Thank you sisters. My prayer goes out to you too.

Lostnhurt, you are still suffering and now he's talking about separating. If he leaves, you will still have to figure out what to do with the kids. If YOU decide, you have more control over what happens.

- You can tell him when to be with the kids even if he's not seeing you.
- You can get a babysitter.
- You can get your parents to watch your kids.

Don't say I can't. Say "how am I going to"? Then think of small steps to get there.

You can do this, lostnhurt. I know you can.

L&H,

Still hanging in there? Just checking in on you.

LL

LL, I am still here. Thanks.

Lostnhurt -
Sorry I missed your call today. I went out with 2 friends to the garage sales. I got some nice things for the house.

The trouble is my decorating is going two ways. I started with seascapes because I live right by the ocean, but then I started getting asian feng-sheu (sp?) stuff. But I love it. My friends are coming over this weekend to help me out.

I'm into a very simple look and am getting too many things, so we will go through and weed things out. I love artistic things, but have never had a good eye. My friends can take junk and make it look beautiful.

How are you doing? I hope you will get busy taking care of you.

L&H,

How are things going today? Are you feeling any better? Was just thinking about the beautiful pictures of your house, and then reading Believer's post about redecorating and certainly wish I had the two of you here right now to give me some ideas.

My place needs a facelift. It's looked the same for the entire 5 years I've lived here, except messier now that it was in the beginning.

However today there is no energy to do it. This is the weekend--my down time. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's raining here in Iowa and it's dreary and that doesn't help. Not sure what I'm doing--lots of things that need done but I don't feel like doing any of them.

Do you have anything fun planned for the weekened, with your kids or anything?

LL

lordslady - Get busy. What I do is first spend 5 minutes picking up 50 things - and I count them. Then I spend 5 minutes in each room - I time it.

I have 7 rooms, so it takes me 40 minutes all together. I do that each day. It is easy to do, because you know you don't have to do the whole thing at once.

Believer,

I've been cleaning my rear off all day now, and have the main floor looking decent (DS still has to vacuum tomorrow--his job). I think if I shine the sink, things down there look very presentable.

The upstairs still needs help in a big way. My room is a catch-all, and I'm in no mood to deal with it. My bath--not bad. Kids bath and their rooms--disasters!!! But I'm not touching them.

So here I sit. It's dark now. It's still raining. Kids are both out with friends until late. This is the hard part. Twiddling my thumbs. No friends to do things with. No appetite. And I'm not sleepy since I didn't drag out of bed until noon, so can't just go back to bed and escape. Just me..and my dogs..and my cats..and my turtles..here in my quiet house.

L&H,

Did you do anything fun today? You've been very quiet!

LL

Believer and LL, thanks my friends. I am doing ok, even he is out again. He just called me and told me that he is not coming home tonight. I told him that we always wait for him to come home. He didn't say anything.

This afternoon, we all went to S's boy scout car racing. It was fun to see all differnt designs and their speed. Then D started whining, so h sent her home first, S and I stayed longer to watch all the race. Then he came back to pick up us.

It was a nice day today. After coming home, I suggested to take a walk with him, he refuse. So I walked a little bit by myself. Then I suggested to go to movies, he said I can take the kids to. I knew that he was going to go out. But we went anyway, we saw Cheaper by the dozen, it was funny. It made me feel sad too. Because they have twelve children, the father rather sacrifies his career for the family. Now my Wh wants to leave the family. When we came back, of course, he's gone. He just called to tell me he won't come back tonight.

OW'H e-mail me again, he still did not believe what i said after all those text messages and receipts. He said that the credit card # was his. But he believed his W's explanation. She said she met Wh at costco, she paid for it to get renate from her credit card, he paid him cash. That was one of the version Wh told me. Come on, how much rebate do you get for $20? They get up to 2% per year. Was that a reasonable explanantion. The time on the receipt was the time we had dinner in a friend's house. This guy is really dump!

L&H,

I just responded to your post on my thread before I read this one.

I'm sorry to hear your H isn't going to be home tonight. I know how lonely it is, and how difficult. I wish none of us had to go through this pain. No one can understand it unless they've experienced it. I just pray that on the other side of it, we are able to see something good that came out of it (hopefully, of course, that would be our WS's coming back to us and our marriages being restored).

Well, the rain is picking up now and it's starting to thunder (another "trigger" for me, because I used to love lying in bed with my WH, listening to it rain). I need to find something to do with myself to keep my mind off the loneliness.

As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Do something else fun with the kids. I think if mine were smaller (and home), I might even just go lie in their room and listen to them sleep, after they went to bed.

LL