Lost

I have read a few posts here to see if I could get a sense of hat has been going on but I think I have a good idea of your situation.

Here is one thing I knew for sure in my situation. I knew where the boundry was with my W. She didn't have to state it to me. I knew that if I continued on with OW our M was over. My W underscored thart last night when I told her of stories of WS on MB, primaily H, that bounced back and forth with the OW and their wives. She said had I done that she would have moved on with out me. In a way I also i had the help of OW, she did not want to go on in the A. I felt very bad because of the pain I had brought into my W's life. There was nothing that she ever did or didn't do that waranted that kind of treatment from me.

So my advice to you is for you to develop a plan and stick to it. If you tried Plan A and it didn't work then it is time for plan B. Your H keeps wanting to seperate. I am not an advocate for seperation. I don't see how it can help rebuild a marriage. I think he is tryinfg to frighten you into allowing him to leave.

He must be accountable to you for his where abouts etc. That's the price he pays for having the A. His duty is to you and his children wheather he is i n the picture or not. So make sure that he knows if he leaves he'll be responsible to support you financially, OW is somewhere at the end of the list when it comes to $. Tell him the next time he leaves he can just not bother coming back. If he wants her she can have him. This back and forth stuff is creating greater harm in the lives of your children than if he was out of the house and visiting them on weekends, at least they would know what to expect and so would you.

If you have been advised differently it dosen't seem to be working. I am new to your story so I really don't know all the history. I am saying that I knew where my W's boundries were w/o asking but if she had thought there needed some clarification she would have made it crystal clear and more than likely in one sentence. If I want her, my W, it must be only her. That was the arrangement when we got married and it hasn't changed. I hope this is helpful to you. Let me know.
H

You can never go wrong w/God but I know you know that. i think it's more of knowing what God's will is. it's very hard to decipher whether or not the thoughts that come into my head are what God wants or what satan is trying to get me to think. The devil is very powerful and deceiving us and too often he comes as a wolf in sheeps clothing. we just have to trust God, lay it at his feet, and take one day at a time because we are not guaranteed what time we have on this earth. prayers to you.

One thing I know is that you can go wrong thinking you are doing God's will. I forgave physical abuse again and again because my focus was on forgiveness. It was only with the A that I knew it wasn't about forgiveness. God does not like infidelity. He forgave the adulterous woman by saying "Go and sin no more." You are not called to tolerate adultery that is in your face.

You are doing great with Plan A. I never would have done as well has you have. BUT you are just hanging on, and you only have a few days until you are out and on to the MBW. If you can stick it out until then, I think that he will be faced with a dramatic choice. He will see that he has to make a choice or you will go to Plan B with NC. If he doesn't make a switch then, you can probably expect many months of his being involved with OW, but that will be his problem because you won't be in the picture. If you try to Plan A then, you will be giving him the opportunity to have both of you, and you will be the less appealing person because you will be so hurt. You may even end up with health problems from the stress of dealing with him. Better Plan B then.

Thank you all. It is so helpful.

Hiker, I really appreciate your insight. Please keep giving me the advice. My problem now is that he wants to seperate, he wants to leave. Do I just let go? He said he doesn't care losing
everything.

RR and Cherished, today, I prayd to ask for GOD's direction. I asked GOD to change my inside, a Real Change. I ask for GOD's love, so I can love my family more. I feel a little peace. I still don't know what I should do. But I just feel more peace. I think that is the state I want. I have to keep praying more so I can hang in.

Today, my diahhrea comes back, I know it is due to stress again. I have headache and feel so tired. But I will be strong. Please keep posting to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you try to Plan A then, you will be giving him the opportunity to have both of you, and you will be the less appealing person because you will be so hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is similar to what Jennifer said to me in counseling last night. She told me that Plan B might be better because it will leave WH to hopefully remember the good/positive things about me instead of always seeing my sad face which is not attractive to him.

I am scared as you are, LNH, about going to a Plan B. I am afraid it could drag on for months and I will be so lonely. Maybe he will even forget me. Maybe the A will never end and he'll never come back, and I'm left with just a bunch of photos and VCR tapes of him and the kids that I can't watch due to sadness.

But if things don't change in the next month (and you are working on a similar deadline), I will probably have no choice but to really try a good Plan B.

I, too, am praying for God's guidance. I am torn between if He wants me to stay or go from this marriage. I love WH, but know God doesn't approve of the A. I am so unsure of what I'm supposed to do. I feel this may be God working on me, too, to build faith and patience in me, and I'm digging my feet in like a little kid who is angry, because I hate this situation and it hurts.

LL

lost

I thought I could give it all up too. But when it is gone I think he will reconsider. This is a tough one. Seperation scared the _ _ _ _ out of me. I am sure my w mentioned it. I know that when she found out I was away (I was going to hike the next AM). She said "Don't come home!" but I came home anyway. I drove half the night to get home all of a sudden I didn't want to lose everything. That was a very bad time, especially for my w. I wish there was a way to undo that.

What is missing for your H at home? I just can't imagine giving up children. Kingdoms, cars, wealth, homes maybe even honor but not children.It has happened but I don't understand it.

You have been at this for some time. I am sure you have tried it all. You were going to file for D on 3/31. Did you? What was his reaction? Maybe I should read more.
H

LL, we are together. If plan B, let's do it togehter. We need to call each other a lot. I wish we are closer.

Hiker,

I never file for D. He always said he want a D, now change to seperation. He started with me for asking for D, giving up everything, house, money, kids. He said he only takes himself. he would have no financial problem if he took nothing. He has good income. I have full time job too, but life will be different if only my income.

I had a deadline myself for Plan B. He agreed to go to MB weekend 4/30. He talked to SH once, then we went to Toronto last weekend with kids. Other then that, his disapearance is still as usual.

It took me a great effort to expose his A. At first he kept denying. All the sudden, he admitted and told me that the A is over. But he also told me that he still want a D. He said that it is not about OW, it is between us. He doesn't love me anymore and he didn't believe I love him. Blah blah. So I son't know where i am now.

Lostnhurt,
There is absolutely nothing you could have done to have deserved your H's treatment. During the A, I remember thinking to myself "Not even Ted Bundy deserves to be treated like this." Well, he never was openly in an A. What I was dealing with was abuse. You know what? What you're dealing with would have been far worse for me.

Please just hang on for a few more days because then it will be very clear to both of you that the break needs to be at the MBW. If not, Plan B. Again, his choice to continue hurting you and not doing the program puts you in the spot of accepting hurt which could lead to serious medical problems or Plan B until he agrees not to continue hurting you.

Cherished, you are absolutely right. I just have to protect myself from being hurt. He agreed this morning that he would try for few days, do I believe that? No. I don't thinki he is going to be home tonight. Let's forget about him. For some moment, I hate him. I know that this is sin. But I can't help. I was praying to be more loving today. I need to pray more.

Lostnhurt, He's an addict with ready access to his drug and no immediate consequence if he uses.

That will change with MBW intervention. He will have a consequence of NC with you.

That's what you need to hang on to.

Cherished, thank you for your encoragement. I just feel so tired, TIRED.

How do you take care of 4 kids? I have 2, I already feel so tired. But this ordeal is killing me.

LNH,

I understand how tired you can feel. Me, too. For me it's not a "sleepy" tired, it's just feeling exhausted all the time. I'm sure my weight loss hasn't helped.

You're right. If we have to go to Plan B (and I will be praying hard for both of us that some kind of miracle could happen and that we wouldn't), I agree, we need to be able to call for support.

Have you seen a doctor yet about your stomach problems? I think you should if you haven't. maybe they can give you something to settle it a bit?

I have to switch my A/D because my insurance is taking mine off their formulary list, so called today to make an appointment and am getting in tomorrow. Hope they can find something that works maybe even better than my Celexa, yet without the side effects I had from Paxil. I'm guessing it'll be Lexapro. So then I'll have to get used to new meds again. I'm also going to mention my weight loss problem and see if Dr. has any ideas on how to stabilize or gain about 10 pounds back.

Take care. I actually have my monthly Bunco game tonight with the neighbor ladies. It's my only social event that I have besides church. I missed last month due to a bad cold, so am sort of looking forward to tonight, though I've been having a horrible anxiety attack all day. I think probably because of how last night turned out and then the fact that WH didn't call me all day until just before I left work (and left several messages for him) and then he was rather cold and controlled.

LL

Lostnhurt,
On December 5, 2001, I had a surgery for a child-birth related injury that resulted in literally my bladder and cervix falling out of my vagina. I had a hyterectomy with repair to my bladder, rectum, and small intestine. I was in the hospital 5 days and came home with a catheter bag and lots of pain pills. I developed some sort of infection which resulted in my being put on Diflucan and then a urinary tract infection which resulted in my being put on Cipro. On the morning of the surgery, I nursed our 10 month old and in the afternoon she had her first bottle.

One week after I came home, we argued about Sophia and he punched me. My arm was broken in seven pieces. I had surgery three weeks after the first surgery which was the first of three surgeries. My arm was in a cast or splint up past my elbow until April 3, when I had to go to hand therapy.

After my H punched me, we went to my therapist who sent him to an anger management therapist who asked me to talk with him. When I met with him, I said that the broken arm was perhaps 1/20th the hurt of his having had lunch with this woman on October 24th. I thought at the time that that was the last time he had seen her.

Care of four children? A piece of cake compared with the emotional trauma of the affair. All that surgery? A piece of cake compared with the emotional trauma of the affair.

Hang on... Realize that this is most probably the worst experience of your life, in particular because it is being deliberately inflicted by the person who promised to care for you for life.

And realize that people can change. My H still thinks that the problem is I won't forgive him, but is is dawning on him that he hurt me terribly. The broken arm, by the way, was emotionally inconsequential in comparison with the affair.
Cherished

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished,

How horrible your story is. You are right, compare to the A, it hurts less, but I feel your pain. Now I am put in the spot of an ongoing A, lying and lying all the time. Why should i care about him, why should I wait for him? Why don't I just file for D, let whoever have this piece of trash.

BTW, who took care of the kids when your arm was broken? Why did you decide to stay with him?

I took care of the kids with a broken arm.

Your hurt is emotionally worse than what I had because he never was openly having an affair and trying to stay home.

The only way you can view this is that he is an addict. There actually is some evidence that romantic love is like cocaine. Your H did not take the precaution to keep from falling in love with someone else and so he is putting you through this pain. He cares about himself. He is trying to get you to the point of not caring about him so that he doesn't feel guilty about not hurting you.

Keep the faith that time will provide a much-needed perspective and respect your own feelings that he is putting you through the worst ordeal that a husband can put a wife through.

I told him once that I would have preferred that he had killed me than done this. In my own family, my aunt killed herself a few months after my uncle moved in with his lover. Then he shows up at the funeral with the OW! How sick. She bore him four children and raised them to adulthood.

That's why you need to focus on caring for yourself and viewing your husband as in the grip of an addiction, trying desperately to blame you. You can take pity on him but give the addiction a chance to die -- either through his decision at MBW or with a natural death.

I had my H listen to a call into Harley's radio show by a guy who divorced his wife and married OW and TEN YEARS LATER she has an affair with a woman and moves out. Can you imagine? He felt like their affair was justified by a special bonding and calling to work together in AA and then she has an affair on him. If your H does marry this woman, nothing can change the fact that this relationship started as a thoughtless lie.

Have to go play Candyland with the four year old now...

Cherished, thank you. I wish I can play game with my kids. But they don't. D is out to movie with her friends. S is watching TV by himself. I was suggesting to watch with him, he didn't care.

LL, I even envy you to go to Bingo. I have no social event at all and I have no friends. The only one I can talk to is my sis, but she is 15 hrs away. I wish Believer live here, so she can move in my house. Did you learn Believer's story. I feel so sorry for her.

So WH will have no place to stay and has to move out.

Lostnhurt,
I am really worried that you might become suicidal. I know how I felt, and what I hung on to was that I could not let me not yet 1 year old have a mother commit suicide. I couldn't do that to her...

Please take care of yourself. Even if you think no one loves you, God loves you and cares for you even in the midst of all this pain...

Cherished,

Thank you. I know that lots of people love me, GOD, my parents, my kids, my si and brother, and all my MB friends. That thought invaded me few times, I fought with it. I won't let everyone who loves me down. Thanks.

Lostnhurt,
I'm glad of that. You are in my prayers.
Cherished

LNH,

Yes, I just finished reading Believer's post. She's been through so much with her WH. This is so sad. If she were here, I'd somehow make sure she had the money so she could just stay where she is and think on it a while. I will pray for her--that the money can somehow work out so that she doesn't have to move. I am fortunate. I may not have a lot, but because my WH is paying me child support willingly, I can make the house payments without a problem, unless an emergency comes up.

Bunco was fun tonight, and took my mind off things for about 3 hours, but then I have to come back home and face the thoughts again. I know what you mean about kids not wanting to do things with you. With my two both being teens, they are frequently either out doing things or they just want to watch TV or hang out in their rooms or on the phone. I feel very lonely. Sometimes it'd be better, I think, to have small children. At least they NEED you. I'd feel like I have a purpose.

Other than Bunco once a month, I have no social life either. It's been sort of nice because DS has been hosting his friends' poker games here quite often now that WH isn't around. It's not that I'm actively involved in things with him, but it's just nice to have people around the house. Their visiting and laughter creates a diversion. I am going to REALLY miss him when he leaves for college this fall. If WH hasn't given up the A and come home by then, it'll just be DD and me wandering around the house, and as often as she is out with friends, it's going to be very lonely. But we shouldn't think too far ahead...

I do continue to pray for you. I pray that you are able to hold out to the MBW and that it gets through to your WH. You have to be positive. And I'll miss posting to you while you're there and, before that, on your cruise. I do hope you have a wonderful time.

And if you come back, and things don't change, if he ends up moving out for a while, it may lessen your pain just a little. I know you can't see that right now, but I do speak from experience and you know how weak I am.

I wish my WH wouldn't have moved because now I think it will be an uphill battle to get him back, but I am sleeping decently most nights where I wasn't when he was still living at home. Before, when he wasn't home by 11 or midnight, I was either worried sick because I didn't know where he was, or he'd called and I knew where he was and who he was with and that made me sick. Now, because I'm not expecting him home and he doesn't call to check in at night, I don't have those thoughts as much.

And I think getting more sleep has helped my stomach just a little. I don't have your issues, but I was really so nauseaus for a few months that I had to force food down, and for probably three weeks ate very little except for nutritional drinks like Ensure. I still can't gain back any weight back, most likely because I'm still very anxious and nervous and upset, but at least I can eat and even have an appetite some days.

I know there times where you don't think you can face another day if things don't change. I have been attending Al-Anon to try and deal with WH's alcoholism, and I have a book marker with "thoughts for today" on it.

One that is applicable to our situation: "Just for today--I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would apall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."

Keep praying. Keep reading God's word. Keep posting on here.

LL