Cherished, your words are always comforting and full with wisdom. I praise GOD for sending you.

I'm glad I can help. I cannot lessen the pain but can tell you that this pain will not continue indefinitely. Please keep to your resolve to go to Plan B if he doesn't buy into the program after MBW. Your health can be destroyed. That gives you just a few days of the worst pain you will ever feel but at least you know that it will not last. Part of your pain is he is trying to blame you. He has a lot of pain too but he brought it on himself.

Cherished, You are right. I have a lot of pain. Another sleepless night. I called MIL. She told me the same thing. I am hanging in here just for few more days. But I don't know how to lessen the pain. It is very very hurtful.

I just prayed so hard. I prayed for the captured person in Iraq, I prayed that GOD take my burden and give me guidance and peace. I am reading the Bible now.

Oh, I wish everything is over soooooon.

Lostnhurt,
There is no way to lessen the pain except by going to Plan B NOW. But even I hope you don't know. Use the pain you have now to strengthen your resolved to go to Plan B after MBW because I think it would be best if you assumed you will need to.

So -- consider if you are ready... Do you have a lawyer? You will need to file for legal separation at minimum because you cannot trust he will honor his financial commitment to the family just like he was unwilling to honor his promise of sexual exclusivity to you. Look at believer's story...Finding a lawyer, pulling together financial paperwork, etc.... All of that takes time. If you focus on that for the next few days, that can help.

If he continues to see OW after the MBW, and you don't go to Plan B, you're in for a long Plan A probably... He'll know he can have both of you on his terms...

So -- how prepared are you to kick him out?
Cherished

Cherished,

I am ready. But not legally ready. I don't know what to do with the legal steps, and not planed to do that.

I am in control of all the finance of the family. Let me put it this way, we can go without starving for 10 years if he doesn't support me(I mean minimum living). I have income too. So all I do will me letting him move out volunterrily since that is what he wants. Then I ask for NC. He can have the kids for weekends. I need to teach on Satrudays in summer till the end of June.

I think it may be better if you took legal steps for separation because then the consequences come home, especially if the move is made immediately with any contact after MBW.

See if you can check into legal separation. Here in Minnesota there is a list of top lawyers, and I met three and decided on one.

You don't want to lessen the impact of his bad behavior.

How do I get him to act, instead of me?

Lostnhurt -
You don't. You don't have control over his actions. The most important thing to realize is that you don't have control. Someone once posted the mantra for spouses of alcoholics and it was something like "You aren't the cause, you can't control, and you can't cure..." The best you can do is set up consequences for his bad behavior that doesn't make you look like the problem and which lessens the impact of his bad behavior on you. If he is willing to continue the affair, then the consequence is that you limit his ability to hurt you by establishing a financial situation (legal separation) which forces him to support the family and by keeping him from being in contact with you -- until he has agreed to go through the MB recovery program.

Cherished

lostnhurt - I was thinking about you last night and wondering about OW. You are such a good woman, wonderful mother and wife. What is the OW like?

Cherished, money is not an issue here. He is not short of money, even he pay me 1/2 of his salary, he still has a lot to use by himself. He also said that I can have all we have now, in that case, he even doesn't have to pay. That is not server enough as consequence. so I don't know whether legal seperation is the path. All I want now is that he takes his stuff out of the house and don't show me his face.

Believer, I was thinking of you too. i talked to Lordslady today, we both worried about your housing situation. But we know that GOD is taking care of you. I don't want to think about OW, from what she did, you know what she is like. This is her 2nd A, she left her 2 year old S and 6 year old D. What do you think?

I just went to my parents and had lunch with them. I was so tired, I took a little nap after lunch. After that we went grocery shopping, then we went to library. I got Divorce Busting.

Lostnhurt -

Don't worry about me. I will do what I need to do to take care of me and my boys. So don't give it another thought. I was just disappointed in WH. But what's new about that?

I was curious about the attraction of OW. Yes I know what her character is.

Also I forgot to tell you about the fish. The easy way to keep the tank clean is to change out a fourth of the water every week. Just scoop it out and replace with new water with anti-chorine. Then it will always look nice and fresh. Also snails help keep it clean, but tend to multiply.

And before you get a dog, be sure that you want to walk it and care for it. Kids always promise they will, but soon lose interest.

Believer, I don't know how to describe OW. She is few years younger, taller*couple inches). I don't think she is prettier. That is about it.

Thanks for your reminder for the fish. kids tried to change it now, so I told them what you said.

Actually I want a dog now. I am so lonely and sad now. I think that maybe walking with a dog will help instead of walking by myself. I am jsut very very down now. I feel so tired physically and mentally, partly because I am having period now. I took them to mall, shopping, library, I don't know what else I can do. I want to sleep for a long time.

Well I was just wondering. You are so talented, and smart. You have been a wonderful wife and mother. So I am trying to figure out the attraction.

My niece has been going through this for 2 years. She is drop dead gorgeous. She works as an RN in oncology and was a wonderful wife and mom. Her WH left her for an average looking single mom who is on welfare. I still haven't figured that one out.

It is a waste of our energy to figure out things like this. Their brains are in drug. They are abducted by aliens. There is no way to explain this, only we know the pain.

lostnhurt -

You are exactly right. I am a very logical thinker. I always try to figure things out, but these things make no sense, and it is a waste of time to think on them.

Kids are fighting again. I lose my temper. I guess i am putting my frustration on them. Life is not fair, why do i have to be the only one to deal with them? I feel so hurt and sad.

I love them, but at some point, I want to be the one who leave and let Wh take care of the mess.

Well, if it gets too bad, you can always come out to California. Stay here with me. You can learn to surf, go to the beach everyday, and have fun, fun, fun.

Thank you believer. I already feel so guilty for going to the cruise. D was very unhappy about it.

I told MIL yestrday, she seemed understandable. I wish to have a complete family, someone share all the feeling, laugh, sadnees and kids, everything. I don't mind to do more, that has been what I did already. But this emotion blow is killing me.

You might want to let your daughter know what is going on. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.

I remember when I was 12, many, many, many years ago. My dad would go out every night after we went to bed. I sat in my room and cried, waiting for him to come home, looking out the window.

I never confronted my mom with this until I was about 35, with kids of my own. She still denied that anything went on. So I guess I will never know. My parents are still together and seem to be very happy.

However the toll on my sister and I was very high. My sister had a nervous breakdown at 30 and ended up in a psychiatric ward. She is doing well now. She went to Harvard, and is now a partner in a law firm. But she has never had a steady relationship with a man.

I told them there are problems, but left the details.

I am not them, if I were them I would do everything to make the family together. That is just me. I felt that I am the only one who want this family, they don't care. Even in laws don't care. I just feel so bad.