My Husband moved back home 2 weeks ago after ending his affair with OW for the fourth time. This time I had asked him not to move back until he was 100% sure that this is what he wants and where he wants to be. When he called me to say he had ended it with her, he was adamant and 100% sure that he wanted to work on our marriage and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He moved back and now she has called him twice and he has talked to her. He has told her not to call him so often. Am I wrong in saying that she should not call him at all. I told him that she should respect his decision to be with his family and stop bothering him. How do I deal with this. Unfortunately, I had a huge lovebuster last night because I was so upset that she will not leave him alone. He is being totally honest and up front with me about everything and I know he did not call her but everytime he has ended it with her, she knows that she just has to pick up the phone and he'll be there for her again. Help! I don't want to cause any more lovebusters but I also don't want to go straight back into him starting up his affair again. I know it is all part of the withdrawal thing and I am struggling to get through this with him and I have told him I will help him and be there for him. Please could someone who has been through withdrawal please write to him and let him see that he CAN get through this.

Start plan B...four times you took him back? Where's YOUR self-esteem????

Very Sad -<P>Are you using the techniques on this site? <P>Him saying that he's 100% sure and his being honest at the moment means nothing if you both have not implemented a different approach and understanding withing the marriage.<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement should be done, the Needs should be known and recognized as they pertain to each other. Take advantage of this opportunity and H's current honesty and get to work with these kinds of things to change the cycle of the past handling of the marriage.<P>The OW's calling again and his speaking with her, regardless of what is said is part of the old cycle. He needs to realize that it is hurtful to you and the marriage and is something that HE must take control over and stop!!! Never mind this calling so often business - she should not call at all!! As long as he speaks with her it is proof of encouragement to her.<P>So, take the information on this site and use it as a tool to guide you both on how you should be working to improve your marriage and ensure a wonderful future.<P>Anything less, will not work and hell will come again!!!<P>Good Luck and implement this with him while it's still fresh in his mind that this is what he wants - you and your marriage!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

My H took the direct route so I would not call OW (I called her, like, once, when he left town without notice or reason, and i had to find him). He made her change her phone number.<BR>Have you mentioned that option to your H?<BR>Or at least he could agree never to answer the phone?<BR>just an idea...(plus, it really cuts down on telemarketers)

If he's 100% sure that he wants you then he should be telling the OW to stop calling him altogether...not just stop calling so often.<BR>He probably hasn't convinced the OW that the affair is really over...without that conviction in her mind it will be difficult for her to let him go.

Hi, thanks Sheba for your helpful input. I have read SAA and have implemented a lot of the stuff in there. I did Plan A for 10 months and then Plan B (sort of) for a month and that is when he came home. I gave him the emotional needs questionnaire a long time ago, or rather Steve Harley asked him to fill it out, but he hasn't as yet. I do want to talk to him about all of our needs etc but at the moment he is working long hours on a project at work, which is where she calls him. I will try to get together with him tonight and talk about our needs etc. Thank you for your help.

When he ended the affair with the OW, he told me what he had told her and there was no way she could not realise that this was the end for them. He is obviously going through withdrawal from her and she is making it harder by calling. He told her he loved me and his kids and knew that going home was what he wanted and was what he was going to do. The next day she called and called but he did not answer the phone and she left messages but he did not reply. Now 2 weeks down the road, he is obviously beginning to miss her which is a natural reaction but how do I help him through it? He said last night he would go to counselling but I don't really think he wants to speak to Steve Harley again. I know he needs to counsel with someone right now so I guess that is a good sign. When he moved out in July he promised me he was going to do it "right" this time and he would not come back if he was not going to stay as he said he would never hurt our kids or me like this again. I know its just the withdrawal confusing him just now, but I just want to help him.

Very Sad -<P>One more thing - Tell him, and this is very important:<P>Everytime he speaks to her or even hears the phone or sees and attempt of contact by her it is like starting from day one into withdrawal. He is allowing her to slow up both of your lives.<P>Do you understand this?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Very Sad,<P>This is not really a post to your question but I did want to let you know that I printed out a thread you posted about your h coming home and gave it to my h. Even with my posts in it.<P>He is a conflict avoider so I didn't get any feedback.... but he says he reads everything I give him. (which is alot!!)<P>I am organizing my thoughts right now because I have a huge post to make with a lot of questions as my h is moving out again next week. I would appreciate your input. <P>In response to your post, do you have caller ID? Can you block your phone #? We have a service in our area which won't let any calls go through until we can see who it is. The caller has to unlock their # to be able to call. If you don't have this service I would change phone no. and have an unlisted number.<P>I can't remember if your husband works with ow and I don't have time right now to check as my son is going on a sleepover and I need to get his stuff. As for work, all I've been able to do is trust him. I can't control his work day. They work in the same building but not same dept so they meet in the halls sometimes. He says it's just "Hi, how are you?"<P>I have to go but check in, I appreciate your input, obviously, or I wouldn't have printed that for my husband.

Hi and thanks<P>Sheba - yes I already told my Husband that last night. Every day we are taking little steps forward in our marriage and when he talks to her it is putting us back to the beginning again.<P>Hoping - The OW never calls my Husband at home she only calls him at work. She does not work with him, she actually started off as a friend of ours (her and her husband). Her kids are at the same school as my kids and so I do see her most days at school which I do not enjoy. She only lives less than 5 minutes from our house and so I do occasionally run into her at the grocery store etc. It is basically a living nightmare. I have talked to my Husband about moving house etc but he told me that once we get our marriage in order, even if he does see her he won't be interested because our marriage will be so good. Do I go along with this - heck I don't know! I'd love to be as far away from here as possible. I know she is only a phone call away, but I just feel we could start over somewhere new. I really want to make it through this and I am determined not to give up on my marriage - it is way too special and good.

Very Sad, <P>That is how I feel. My marriage is very special. We don't fight, we don't yell, we are actually friends. Hold on ....

Very Sad,<BR>I just wanted you to know we have a very similar situation in that she started out being just friends, our children are in the same school, (and were very good friends, i might add), she lives just a few minutes away, i must endure seeing her at school, social functions, grocery store, etc. She FORTUNATELY has a husband who knows about her prowling tendencies and keeps a close eye on her. My problem is I think she Instant Mails him, or calls him at work. No way of me checking....I can hardly endure looking at her. This is something my husband DOES NOT understand. There has been several events I have had my child miss, just to avoid looking at her.

Very Sad,<BR>I just wanted you to know we have a very similar situation in that she started out being just friends, our children are in the same school, (and were very good friends, i might add), she lives just a few minutes away, i must endure seeing her at school, social functions, grocery store, etc. She FORTUNATELY has a husband who knows about her prowling tendencies and keeps a close eye on her. My problem is I think she Instant Mails him, or calls him at work. No way of me checking....I can hardly endure looking at her. This is something my husband DOES NOT understand. There has been several events I have had my child miss, just to avoid looking at her.

VS -<BR>OK, get ready for the ride of your life and hold on tight. You did not lovebust - at least not like I did. Remember when my H's OW called after no contact for 5 weeks? - and he couldn't tell her to never call again, but instead talked about how he thought about her all the time and still didn't know what he wanted....That's when I threw him out. Talk about lovebusting, but I knew a limit had been reached.<P>This is not your situation VS. Your H is still expressing clear committment to the marriage, but like Sheba said he needs to understand that OW must be totally out, out, out of your livea before you guys can even start on rebuilding. A clear recovery plan is a must. Counseling - ASAP.<P>And a big hug and pat on the back to Very Sad. You are one strong woman. Hope you are still planning on those college courses. You need to focus on your own goals too. It is too easy to get consumed in "helping H through withdrawal". This is really something he needs to do mostly on his own - and he needs the committment to do it. And as long as you minimize the lovebusting you are doing everything you can.<P>Hugs,<BR>Starpony

Thanks guys for all your encouragement. I am trying so hard to hold on but I think I am losing it. My Husband said last night he thinks he wants to move out again. I can't do this again. I told him when he left last time and when he returned that he couldn't do this to me again as I simply, physically and emotionally couldn't do it. I am at the bottom of the pit today, I can't go on. He and OW have taken everything from me and I can't do this anymore. I will not go on anti-depressants since I lived my whole life with a Mother on them and I never ever knew who my mother really was, then she died and I still never knew her and I can't have my kids live like that. I am not knocking the people who are on them - I am just too scared. My life is a mockery. My Husband promised me only 2 weeks ago that he would never do this to me or my kids again and that he wanted to live the rest of his life with me and work on our marriage. He never even tried. She called, he listened and we are back to square one. I'm washed out, I'm sick and I can't go on any more. Thanks for everything guys. I don't know where to turn anymore.<BR>

Dear VS,<P>This is the worse part. If they never had moved out it seems to go much more smoother in withdrawal.<P>He may be making promises he intends to keep, he just doesn't know how to do it. This is an awful time for you.<P>#1 No Lovebusting<BR>#2 He will slip up and reconsider the marriage commitment thing More than Likely<BR>#3 You can get past this. You need a support system, you need to lower your expectations, you need to measure the progress. <BR>#4 He is addicted, and it isn't anything about you, right now. You must be more than just careful to not lovebust. You must not snoop or set yourself up for an emotional failure. You must reassure him all the time, and constantly encourage him - to look at the vision - and encourage him even when he screws up. He feels so horrible, he "thinks" the only way to feel good is to see her. Remind him that seeing her is SHORT LIVED PLEASURE, and he will end up worse off than before.<P>Come here to vent, don't lovebust, and pray pray pray. <P>God Bless.

Oh VS, I'm so sorry...... I know how hard all of this is.<P>You're right - you can't continue to have your emotions and love being tossed and turned with this sea of crap he's created.<P>He might be wishy washy but you shouldn't have to continue to be. It's not healthy for you.<P>If he cannot see that he needs help with this and that he has to put effort into whatever choice of relationship he makes than that is his problem. <P>He should move out - not to OW - be a man and move on his own and figure out what he wants for his life!!! This is just plain ridiculous - 4 times HELLO!!!<P>Tell him I said so!!!!! Like he'sd care!! LOL!!!<P>VS - you have to stay strong!! You are not the problem here. He needs to make a decision once and for all and tell him when he's done that to let you know. <P>No - wait a minute!!! Screw that!!<P>You TELL HIM - that this is stopping now. You have tried to be compassionate and understanding. You have tried to help him by giving him time and space to sort out his feelings. He has not made any effort to get a foothold on what direction he wants to go in and therefore he has kept you stagnant and in pain.<P>You have done all you can and more!! Tell him this!! Tell him that you cannot remain with your life on hold any longer. It is not healthy and is slowly killing both of you. <P>Tell him you need to move forward in life and in self growth. You want him to come with you, but you have to start the journey into the future now!!! No more wasting precious time with this.<P>VS - it's time to take a stand and do the best for you!!! Be steadfast that you must move forward!! Be loving and compassionate that you want him to come with you forward!!! Be adament that the OW or anyone else are not invited and cannot come forward with you!!!!<P>Hugs and my prayers for Strength in your leadership with this go up to God...<P>Sheba <P>PS Whew!! I think I got out some venting also!! Really VS he has to understand what this is doing for the whole family - you and the kids have had enough!! He has to apply himself to work on things. The decision he needs is not just going to pop in his head and all is well!! <P>TNT is right as far as the withdrawal and lovebusters. I just feel that he's contact is not even allowing withdrawal to start.<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited August 26, 1999).]

((((((Hugs)))))) Very Sad -<BR>Grrrrrr - your H and mine together. I am so angry. I will never understand how they cannot see the emotional wreckage they cause with their constant vacillating. (Although when mine asked for divorce, he did say that he realized the back and forth was too destructive to everyone - duh, and divorce is easier?)<P>I am so very hurt for you and your kids - but you have shown me your strength and kindness and generosity before, and I know you will find it again. But I can't say that I think your H deserves it any longer (my opinion). Do you have a good friend who can come over and just hold you while you sob? I did this and it helped immensely to just get it all out with someone supportive there.<P>Why does he want to move out? To be with OW? Try to really get from him what his goals are with moving? Is it a prelude to divorce? And most of all - protect yourself and your kids and take care of yourself VS. Consulting privately with a lawyer is not lovebusting (if you even care about lovebusting at this point).<P>VS you have been a shining example of committment, loyalty and forgiveness. Your H and his OW cannot take that away from you - do not let them! And more importantly, when you did your plan B you started to focus on you - hold on to those goals and find those positive feelings about yourself that you had then. It will be hard. It will take time. But you will eventually feel ready to take control.<P>Until then, don't be so hard on anti-deps. I can understand your personal experience, but the drugs have changed a lot in the last couple years and you certainly don't have to be on them forever. Ever since H asked for the D, I have been on them and they really help. You need your focus and concentration now. and so do your kids.<P>Take care and stay in touch VS, I am so, so sorry. I know how it feels to get your expectations up - only to have them dashed (even though we tell ourselves we are not getting our expectations up - it is inevitable). <P>Be good and kind to yourself,<BR>Starpony

Hi and thank you. This is my support system at the moment. I can't turn to my friends anymore I am sure they are tired of all this. When he came back 2 weeks ago I told them and he told them it was for good, they all asked me if I was sure since they didn't want me hurt again and I assured them that he wouldn't do this to me again! He says he wants to move out again because last time he left my kids would not see him so he says he needs to be away but still have the kids see him and see how that works. My daughter has told him that she will not see him if he moves out again and my son says he doesn't know. I didn't think way back in October that I could feel any worse, but to have him tell me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and move home and be with us and then step all over my heart again just breaks me in two. I am still going to college in September and I am still keeping my goals and I am still proud of who I am but right now I don't see any light. I'm tired of this life, I have tried so so hard to keep my family together and to keep my marriage intact and it just seems to me that he doesn't care. I know he does, but why why why. He has gone off to work with a book today called "Is it Love or Addiction" and he says he will try to read as much as possible. I know he is still confused but I told him that no one can go through life just breaking promises and making decisions and going back on them. He says when he told me all the stuff about wanting to come home and being with me and the kids etc that he really did feel that way at the time but now he is not sure. I have tried to point out to him that as soon as he leaves again he will have the same feelings again. He made his decision to come home over a period of time not on the spur of the moment. He said he had been feeling colder towards the OW and had been falling in love with me again. He told me a lot of negative stuff about her which he had never done before so I really believed he wanted it to be over. He did carry a lot of guilt over what he had done to her, but, in my opinion, he had started getting a little better, that is until she called. He told me he had tried to break it off with her so many times and she wouldn't let him go. I just don't know what to do anymore. My heart is shattered, my mind is a mess, I want to just run away and not ever have to deal with this again. He is certainly not talking about moving in with OW, only to an apartment, but he just did that for a month and look at where we are. I just don't understand.

You don't understand because it is not understandable. This is nonesense, you know it, he knows it, and my God even the kids know it!<P>The only thing you can do is no lovebusters, stay focused on you, encourage him every chance you get and pray! The rest is up to him!<P>I'm beginning to think that if a spouse moves out, that plan B is what is in order, and plan B needs to keep going until you are very very very strong. Otherwise - it is a real hell to live in.