I'm confused. Help

H admits to emotional affair that ended ?? He won't tell me. With who ?? Won't tell me. Why?? Won't tell me

He says he still calls her once in a while. I asked him to stop calling her and one other girl. He says I can't control who he speaks with, guy or girl, he's been controlled for 15 years by me and this is where it stops. H says at this point he can't commit to marriage.

He has cut me off of cell phone access to "protect" me from seeing different numbers, I have no access to his laptop.

H says if I start calling numbers then it's over (he and I)

H wants seperate bedrooms. I don't. Out of respect of his feeling that I try to control him, and me trying to 180, I have agreed to seperate sleeping arrangements. The bedroom he wants is not finished yet so I told him he could sleep on the couch in the basement, I will fix it up for him. Because he works overnights, his next night home will be tomorrow night since this agreement.

H refuses to kiss me or have sex. And I have lied next to him le` natural, no response. Says he has no need for sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Naked model could be in room, he wouldn't care.

H is real deep emotionally. Reading the book "The four agreements". Keeps saying stuff about "societies view of a family are different than his" That the life we live is a dream called hell???? H says he is "cleaning himself", finding himself. Took the "mask" off after 15 years. Comes out with some real garbled stuff. But denies any religion change. Just says he's talked to thousands of people in his life, which he has, H was MP in desert storm escorting prisoners, works with public daily and on Fire Dept.

What the heck am I suppose to do here folks? Plan A, PLan B, Plan *%$# him!!! He's emotionally abusing me everytime he talks to me.

Had counsel with Penny, she said expose him to boss, family etc... Expose what? That he's a fruit loop?

I know my H's one disposition that would be sure to get him to leave me and that would be exposing him in that way. I then would be afraid of physical violence.

HELP ME

Start in Plan A. That needs to be done for several months. Then, if he has not changed, time for Plan B.

The way he has changed makes me suspicious that he is having an A. His talk is typical fog talk.

Has he been physically abusive before to you?

m01069,

First thing first ...

You have to have hard fact of his A. Then expose it. You have no control over how he is going to react if he is abusive ... then you are in no business staying M to him.

Snoop if you have to. You have to focus on this one.

Meanwhile ... Plan A is not about fillin HIS NEED!. You fillin his need as much as he allows you to ... if he doesn't allow you then don't push it ... it could become an LB!. Plan A is about adressing his complaint about you that is consistent before D-day and after D-day. The legit complain about you in M. This way you take the reason out and also shows that M could be fix if he is willing. You are passively negotiating to end the A by your actions.

You have to find proof and expose his A ! This is the first step to put pressure on A.

-rh-

Has he been physically abusive before to you? No, but lately I have seen a rage in his eyes that I never seen before, it scares me.


Plan A is about adressing his complaint about you that is consistent before D-day and after D-day. The legit complain about you in M. Before D-Day it was that I was controlling, jealous, negative. After D-Day the main complaint is that he was never in love with me, and he has tried for 15 years to be in love with me.

I am definately "trying" not to be controlling, jealous but those are hard ones because that means allowing him to keep cell phone bills secret and not mentioning other woman, right?

Not being negative is a little easier at times, harder at others.

I don't know how to expose A? I am trying, but I believe this A is happening 6 hours from here where he overnights between trips (he's in transportation).

I called him last night at hotel. The OW in question who works at hotel answered the phone. (Supposedly they are friends, I have no proof otherwise) I was very polite to her, asked her how her son (I used his name) was doing, then asked for my husband's room. She was very nice and said "Let me see if he checked in yet". Now, of course she knows whether he checked in yet, it's a small hotel and she works front desk and my H is such a good "friend". Then she connected me to his room.

Conversation went well. Ended by H saying "Goodnight, sleep tight, I love you". Yes, this all sounds great right? But if you all could hear the way my H has been messing with me head. Maybe my baby step EN's are starting to work? Another book I am reading my M. Weiner says to look for small signs, I take this as one.

My goal right now because I am having such a hard time exposing A is that I need to look as appealing as possible at home, because when the OW starts the pressure I want to look like a dream, so that means to me that I need to back off on relationship talk and talk of OW.

Any suggestions on exposing A? I have called PI's but it costs $550.00 everytime they go out. I just don't have that kind of cash.

Oh, one more thing, everytime I call a number from a previous cell bill, like last month B4 I was cut off, it's someone he works with. Besides this hotel number showing a million times. But the calls to the hotel are at all different times of day and this OW works 3-11, that's confusing me.

Sorry so long here guys.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by m01069:
<strong> Has he been physically abusive before to you? No, but lately I have seen a rage in his eyes that I never seen before, it scares me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again I don't want to live w/ anyone that I am afraid of. It is your choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Before D-Day it was that I was controlling, jealous, negative. After D-Day the main complaint is that he was never in love with me, and he has tried for 15 years to be in love with me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has A ... either EA or PA. You plan A actin is right there and OW is irrelevant right now it is about you. A long as you don't talk about OW and R you are most likey avoid LB. How did does it work for you being jealous and controlling ?, you lost him already so you better stop it until you have prove.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Not being negative is a little easier at times, harder at others.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, but you have to conrol your behavior and you can control that rather than making him stop what he has been doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[qb]I don't know how to expose A? I am trying, but I believe this A is happening 6 hours from here where he overnights between trips (he's in transportation).[/qb</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Until you have hard prove it is hard to expose ...

I suggest you recuit family members to help you out or female friends. Ask them to be spy at the hotel. Well either OW in question is off the work so he could call her or he has different OW. Either way you have to send domeone there. BTW. how do you know that her hours weren't changed ?.

If you don't have access to his cell bill, go online ... most baby bells allows you to view the bill online, check their web site.

Also CC card bills or bank statements are the same way.

You have to get hard prove. "Accusing" WS w/o hard prove would make WS is getting smarter to cover up the trail.

Stay focus ... plan A and try to get proof of A.

-rh-

Redhat

What's Baby Bells?

I have nobody that H doesn't know that would be willing to drive 12 hours to help.

I told him he could sleep on couch in basement until we finish his bedroom, last night was his first night home no working and he slept in same bed. I didn't say anything, didn't touch him.

He is so sad around me though.

I just got Dr. Phil book, I'm going to try his approach while using MB concepts about EN's and no LB's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by m01069:
<strong> What's Baby Bells?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You old telephone company. SBC is in my area.

-rh-