Hello.
I need your help on Plan A.
I have found out my H's A about two months ago, though they had been dating about a year.
The stroy in on "Just find out" board.

I am now trying to work on PLAN A, even though we are separated. He calls and e-mails, visit our kids almost every weekends he is free, he became much nicer and caring after our separation. (He is living like a bachelor, while I am working full time, doing all the house choirs, taking care of two little kids.)

But the problem is, H and OW are business partners. My H travels about two weeks a month, and as she is his business partner, he calls and e-mails her every day, while I do not have a lot of chance to talk with him. I thought about revealing their A to his company and her company,
or ask his boss to reduce his travel to her country because they are having an affair,
but by revealing it, he might lose his job. He pays our house loans and childrens' expenses here, that strikes straight to our living. (I am working full time also, but only as a contracted employee and my salary is 1/3 of his, in spite of same education we had.)
And I do not want to destroy his career he is now persuing.

But on this valentine's day, while his colleague flied back home, he stayed in the place where she is (She lives in a different country)without any business and might have spent the night with her( I don't know for sure, I havent checked)

H says he hasn't decided to divorce yet, because we have little kids, and I told him that I still love him and want him back. I also e-mailed her to not to contact him personally, because I and our kids are deeply hurt, that our elder D couldn't go to school for two weeks as she has fever every day and couldn't eat.

She apologized what she has done, but still says
the things like "He cannot breeze in his country", " He and she are a soul mate that they understand each other as another self", which of course made me very sad, angry and painful.

Could anybody give me an advice to what to do to cut the relationship with my H and her? Any suggestions? I cannot keep doing it without their separation.

There is nothing you can do now if you do not want to expose the A at his work.

Stay in Plan A. I know it is miserable when he is living the bachelor life. After you have done a good Plan A, then it will be time for Plan B if he has not stopped the A.

Keep reading here and posting. Her words to you are typical fog talk.

　Thank you believer for your reply again.
I took pills last night and went to bed. I feel a little better now. But imagining how they spent their romantic night still really hurts me.

They once said they will be separated, but he couldn't. She is once out of picture and when I called once, she even yelled at me "Don't ever call me again. He made his decision and your family problem is none of my business!" I said" You wanted to enter into our relationship, not me."

I am reading His Needs and Her Needs now, and realized what was wrong I have done, and what was missed in our relationship. I am ready to try what I have learned, only if he is separated with her. But at the same time, I understand she satisfied his needs to be a good helper to his job, good recreational partner.
And of course they have PA.
Why so many men misunderstand that when other woman helps his job greatly, then she could be a best partner, while he doesn't want to speak much about his job around the house.

Well, I am still painful and circulate my mind around and around. I will come here again for the help.

Thank you again believer.

Hang in there. It is miserable at first. But most husbands come back to the marriage.

Marriagebuilders will give you a plan and some hope and support. I have been going through all this for 7 months, and my days are good again.

　Thanks believer.
One more thing I need to talk and need advice.

You said most husbands come back to marriage, but
it seems to me my H is very seriously in love with her, he doesn't think that we could stay a married couple. He said in his e-mails(I have found 100 of them. It is not a good thing to do, I know) several times, responding to her query which one of us he will choose, his final choice is HER. Is this a fog talk, also?

We had many things in commone before, though our personality type seems completely different, he is rather quiet and logical type, I am rather a cheerful easy to get along with everybody person.
I even think that she is the same type as I am.

But he says we are so different that we cannot share life together after raising our children. He doesn't want a life like that.

He is still with her now. Is it a big LB if I call him now and ask him to let me talk with her.
(I know it is....)


Sorry for asking so many advices, but I need to spell my feelings out not to LB.

This is typical fog talk. Most WH's say the same thing. They are "in love with other person", they never loved you, they don't want to stay married.

Stay on the MB program, with no relationship talk, and no LB's. Just show him that he could be happily married to you by your actions.

The affair is like an addiction, so it may be awhile before you see any positive signs. In the meantime, work on you.

Here's what I did. I joined a women's support group, cleaned the house sparkling, organized everything, rearrange the house, painted, exercised, went out with friends.

This gave me a focus (besides the 2 lovers) and let me start feeling good about myself again. Everytime I started thinking about WH and OW, I changed my thinking to what color to paint the bathroom, or something.

You might wish to contact a lawyer to find out how to protect you and your children should he decide to leave. I know this is not what you want to hear, but since he provides most of the financial support for your family you need to know this information.

As a by product, you might remind him that if he leaves your for her, he will end up paying plenty of child support as well as losing many of his assets. The financial costs of divorce are a harsh reality that may serve to show him a way out of the fog.

You might also remind him the HE will have to explain to his children why the family is broken up. Not a happy thought, I would think. He needs a dose of reality.

Thank you believer, auto009988.
He came back last night to his apartment, never called, but sent an e-mail to the kids.

Beforehand, I told him if he cannot be separated with the OW within half a year or a year by the phone, I won't see him any more nor the kids will. But the kids miss him terribly even though they know he left us for the OW, and they are crying almost every night feeling lonely and asking why Daddy has left us. I asked H once to explain the kids why he has left the house, they knew it anyway, but what he says is only" Everything will be all right." while nothing is all right for the kids. They want their Daddy back to our house. It is painful to see the little ones in such state, and it makes me feel more angry about the OW and him.

I also talked with the lawyer what I can get if we really file for divorce for his A. The amount of money is very small, but I have a chance to have the house we are living in with him paying the loans, (In the worst case, I can get the house, but have to pay half the loan)
have child support. But once divorced, I cannot have the expense on me, which will be a problem because I am not in a good health condition to take care of everything now.
Divorce may be a final decision, but as you said, I know I need at least prepare for the worst to protect children and myself.

I am hopelessly working on Plan A now, my H and OW is still in the fog, but believer, I liked the airplace story on the other post you have made very much!

I know what I should do right now is to focut on myself, not thinking about him and OW, to get myself back from what I have missed from the great shock I have suffered. I really believed in him, but our marriage was not going well around three years before or so. Only if I could see his feelings more carefully and knew what I should do as I know a little better now!

It is going to a long and bumpy road, but at least I will try three months to get myself back.

Thank you for the encouragement and wise advices for both. I will keep posting.

Keep hanging in there. There are a lot of good advise here. It is extremly helpful.

Stay with the MB plan. That is all we have right now. The flying by the instrument panel story is great. That is what we have to do.

It may not feel right, but we must stick with it, because it works. We will have ups and downs, but we will continue on.

I have been here many months and now my days are good. Hang in there. It will happen to you too.

Thank you believer, losthurt. I feel really encaouraged that I have someone I could talk to on this board.

I will try to let go the imaginations that hurts me and try to live day by day, though sometimes it seems difficult for me.

I will come here and keep posting.

Thanks!

Things will get better, things will get better. Just keep repeating that.

When I was at your stage, I could never imagine having a good life again. But now my days are happy.

Stay here, stay with the plan and you will feel better soon.

Your H is likely to come back to the marriage. In the meantime, take care of you and little ones.

Thank you believer.

H called home today to say thank you to the kids, as they have made and sent him a Valetine sweets.
But never asked to talk with me.

It hurts me again, but I hold myself back, and instead, I asked him if he could come over and baby sit for me this Sataurday, as I have some thing to do. He said he has to go to school and cannot make it this time.(He goes to school on weekends by the request of his company.)

As you said, sometimes I feel like he would like to come back, but he cannot forget about OW.
Also, because my parents live very close, they know all about what happened, he doesn't want to come back. My parents are good people, but sometimes a little pusy about how we educate our children, what they wear and so on.

My H was brought up in a more complexed family than I was, that his father often went out for a week without letting his mother know his whereabout. They also had financial problems.
I was brought up in a close-knit family and my father was always good adviser when I was to make an important decision of my life.
Maybe I expected him to do the same to our daughters, but we needed more talk.

I will keep saying "things will get better, things will get better, I am going to be happy again." I took three days offs, so I will go to gym tomorrow and make myself happy.

Thanks for your help.

You are doing fine. Just remember to stay in Plan A.

In the meantime, it helps to get interests, work on yourself, and find some ways to build your self-esteem. It is probably very low right now.

Don't look to your H for anything. He will not be able to provide it. He is in fogland - off in a fantasy world.

It is very difficult to start doing things by yourself, but helps because you will get stronger. Then you will be able to deal with the situation in the MB way.

Calm your children. Talk to them and let them know there are some problems, but that their mother has a plan. Give them the security that you are taking care of things.

Thank you for keep encouraging me, believer.
Actually my day was better today. I went out with the kids and had talked with my friends, bought
shoes for gym. It is very fine outside like in spring.

And H called us tonight. My younger daughter called his mobile twice and he checked out how we are doing. Unfortunately, she went to bed already, then he promised to call her next morning.

As you told me, my self esteem is still very low now, thinking about wrong things I have done and think I am worthless sometimes, but I am feeling that I'm getting stronger day by day.
I might have very bad days maybe, but try to be strong for myself and for the kids. For now, I don't care much about him.
I just try not to contact him for a while and see what he will do.

I will keep coming here, read other posts and study Dr. Harley's concepts more.

Thanks for listening.

You are doing very well since you are very new to this.

Yes, self-esteem is crucial right now. You must get out and do things. Try doing some new things. Keep your house sparkling so it is a wonderful place for you.

Start working on the MB concepts - they really work.

When you talk to your H, Plan A him. Come here when you feel like you can't.

I was where you are three months ago.

Please care for yourself right now. This is not your fault, your husband made this poor choice. I can't stress this next point enough..... You are a wonderful person, and your husband was the luckiest person in the world to have found you, he will wake up some day and realize this. You are also a victim here. Don't let being a victim define your new life.(YES, this is a new life for all of us on the MB site). Everyone is a victim of something in life (including your husband). It is how we deal with being a Victim that is important. YOU need to define who you are now, and where you are going in the future, not your husband, and not this affair. You can't MAKE him come back, but you will find it very healthy to move forward and work on you. It will make you happier. Plan A is the way!!! Here is a link to another book that I am finding useful, if you would want some extra reading. You can print it out online, or order it from AMAZON, etc..

http://www.meridianmagazine.com/books/020821bondsend.html

Also, Be a little bit selfish, you deserve it. Spend some of the money if there is extra. I replaced my old car with a new one, bought a membership to a fitness club, a tanning pass, and some new clothes.

Since you have kids, spend some money on a baby sitter. I have three kids, so believe me, I sympathize with your daily schedule. Send the babysitting bill to your husband. If he won't pay the bill then schedule time for HIM to watch the kids while you go out and do something fun for YOU. Do this via e-mail. If you H is a no-show, then document it. It won't hurt to pull the info out in court. I went out and listened to some new bands at a club (something I hadn't done in years), and I am creating a collection of MP3 songs that I like. I went and got my first massage. It was great!!! I lost 35lbs (boy this affair stuff is the ultimate Adkins diet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I have taken my kids to a bunch of museums and sports events, and out hiking. I taught my 10 and 13 year olds to ski. I am thinking of getting a new digital camera, and learning photography. I started attending Church again, and am learning what the word FAITH really means. I read a lot, and am trying to learn YOGA (I am 6'7, FUNNY PICTURE!!!)

If you don't currently have the skills or credentials to support yourself outside the marrige, start looking into these now and plan for the future..... The heck with your husband's career. If there is extra money and it works for you, then enroll in college, or some classes. Don't ask your husband's permission, just tell him you are thinking about it and then, just do it if you want to!! Make your own career, so you aren't dependent on him. Explore life a little. I know with kids, sometimes we don't take the time we should for ourselves <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Be sure that EVERYONE that can have a POSITIVE influence on the situation knows what is going on. Don't be shy about this, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You will be suprised how empowering telling others is. Parents, brothers, sisters, brother in-laws, friends, co-workers, pastor, etc. The more light you let shine on this affair the better for you.

No LB's....ever. I learned this the hard way....

Be very patient.

A strong confident, quiet, attitude would be a good thing to cultivate. Your husband is the child here. You are the adult. Be firm, but loving, just as you would with any child. Do not chase after him, or plead with him, you are wasting your time right now!!!

Talking to other people about what is going on is very healthy. I have friends that are re-examining their own marriages based on what is happening to me, we have talked for hours about why my marriage is where it is at. We are all learning. I am happy about this. You can be a positive influence for change on others as well as yourself. Turn a bad situation into a positive one. Try it, it will make you feel good.

Take the higher moral road on everything you do in life.

Treasure each day.....