Hi. I'm starting plan a today. H is confused and doesn't know if he loves me or not. V-day was a flop. Seems the tables have turned on me. It's really hard to know that someone actually loved you and could cheat on you at the same time? It's a hard thing to process. Well, any advice will be much appreciated. I will be biting my tongue from now on, I hope it doesn't get too sore! I am used to blurting out the first thing that pops in my head to him. It will definitely be a challenge!

moving on -

Have you ever thought how a heroin or crystal addict can keep taking the drug that is ruining their life?

They spend all of their money on their drug, start losing their possessions, their home, their family. Usually while they are spiraling downward, they lie and deny anything is wrong.

So stop thinking about, and trying to make sense of WH's actions. It will wear you out and you still won't get anywhere.

Do a good Plan A. Don't expect changes for awhile. In the meantime, come here when you want to scream at him. We will listen and support you.

okay, after reading up some on Plan A, wondering if it is for me? He is not in an affair or involved with anyone any longer (that I know of). He just says that the counseling has brought up alot of issues that we have and he is confused and doesn't know if he loves me. Would the POJA be more appropriate for me or just Plan A?

Have you done a good Plan A? MB plan requires about 3 months of Plan A.

No good plan A. Lots of LB.

Then Plan A for at least 3 months. When it is LB time, come here and post. That seems to work.

Did okay but not great the first 2 days. This is really, really hard. Although, I have to admit, I kinda liked myself more being all nice, respectful and friendly! Bad thing is, I felt kinda fake or not real. Anyone else feel that way? Also, what happens when plan A is over. Do I hope that I have learned how to be nice and sweet and not complain or make demands?

Don't worry about what comes next (Plan B). The hardest is a good Plan A. It is exceedingly difficult, so come here when you want to LB.

It is extremely hard and so far I haven't had one successful day. Is it okay if he knows my plan? I let it out in counseling. I have trouble being secretive. Anyway, he knows my plan. He says he noticed a difference but he also thought that I was being fake. What do you take of that?

You will feel fake at first, but after awhile it comes naturally. But it is very hard to do. So come here and post when it is driving you crazy.

I wish I could come here that often! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really started to like myself being nice. I am seeing all kinds of signs of him cheating again? Do you know what all the signs are? He's losing weight, working out, staying late at work, not making it home in time for us to ride to counseling together, doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. Was home today and didn't do ANYTHING around the house. What was he doing? It makes me wonder and scared. I wish I didn't care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The signs are all there. You still should be in Plan A for 3 months at least. It is miserable, but most WS's come back to marriage. Hang in there, you have a plan.

The signs are there but I have checked into a lot of them and I believe he is telling the truth. Is that stupid? Or should it even matter? His sister even believes him. I think he is rebelling against me. I am a control freak but needy and insecure at the same time. More so since I found out he did this one year ago. He is living at home, sleeping in my bed, having sex with me and then can still say he doesn't know if he loves me or not. I think it's a crock of *!@#. Very confusing to us both. The only reason he doesn't move out is because he has nowhere to go. He said so too. Says he doesn't want to stay with me just for the kids. I agree but I can't fathom how "love" can just dissappear. He used to be very remorseful and willing to take what I dished out. Since the 1yr anniv of dday, it seems he doesn't want to put up with anything anymore. We started counseling about 1 mo ago and things have been brought back up and it seems to be affecting the marriage negatively. He was going by himself, talking to her about moving out, divorcing, etc. so I had us start going together again. Is this a good plan? How can you be in marriage counseling if your going individualy? Yes he has issues and problems that need to be dealt with on his own but marriage counseling should be about saving the marriage, right?