I see so many that do it, and fall of the wagon so often that they might as well not be in Plan B. Apparently, they do not see the harm in this. What I am, therefore, going to do is translate a conversation with a WS during Plan B into what the conversation is actually conveying.

What you think goes on:

WS: "I've really been missing you and think that I might be making a mistake."

BS: "Are you still with her/him?"

And the conversation goes on innocently enough. The BS doesn't LB, and thinks that he/she is making good logical points. "See? I'm calm. I've shown him/her what is going on. I've said what I needed to say. Maybe this time he/she will hear me. Maybe this time it will make a difference."

Oh, naive BS. You've just given the WS the reassurance he/she needs to continue straddling the fence. When the WS is willing to make real changes, you will SEE it. These conversations do not give the whole cake, these are a few crumbs tossed your way to see if you will still bite.

HERE IS WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON:

WS: "I'm starting to feel uneasy that you are there for me. Please tell me that you are still on the hook whenever I want you and that I can continue my cake eating."

BS: "Yes, I love you and I'm here. Obviously, I'm still on the hook because I'm investing time, emotion, and effort into speaking with you. See, you are still able to upset me and push my buttons. I am obviously still here to be your doormat no matter what your actions are. You can safely continue to do what you are doing and rest assured I will be here waiting for you."

Now, please, for the love of God and the sake of your own marriage - NO CONTACT.

takola -

Oh there you are. Can you also post the cake recipe thing? Lots of new people here and lots of old ones struggling.

Will do.

Thanks - we all want to do it our own way, and I think that post says it best.

Yes, yes, yes!
Please all of you BS on this plan, read and take head of it. Your own copitulation is undermining your own efforts to get where you want to be. If your on plan B, then stick to it. That is the only way it has any chance of working. I wish you all success!

^

Takola I wish I had read this post about 5 months ago. But I'd like to share a similar story so that it may help someone else.

Briefly my story: Dr Harley says that when WS can't decide between the two (OP and BS)of you it is time to go. Well I second him on this one.

My WS was at a point of deciding between OW and myself. On an occasion where he asked me to leave him, I agreed. However the seperation wasn't exactly Plan B. It was suppose to be for the purpose of taking stress off the R and trying to rebuild it seperately.

I couldn't reach him on a weekend when he was supposedly thinking about us. This was what he said the weekend following by cell text messaging:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" This weekend I had a whole lot on my mind about a family member being sick. I thought a whole lot about us. I didn't answer the phone because I wanted to think about what was going on between us. I love you and I wonder if I made a big mistake asking you to leave. Let's talk "</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yet he never scheduled a time for us to talk. Red Flag? Huh.

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Translation: From WS : "I'd better text message to deter the flames of profanity that she may give to me if I call, and she might think its a nice touch."</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">" This weekend I was really doing something I had no business. I'm using my family member's illness as a scapegoat so that I don't have to account for why you couldn't reach me. I was with the other woman and things didn't work out as I had planned. Now I feel really crazy because what if you have left me and I have not even man's best friend to turn to. So I hope you believe this line of garbage because I really want you to hang around in case this girl keeps acting like she is going to leave me. "</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You see, he didn't know that I had gone to his house, done some detective work and thus suspected what he was up to.

My moral of the story:
S's mentality was obvious. He was trying to maintain cake eating.

For me, being the BF at the time I was comforted in feeling that he was doing what we both agreed we would do. However it hadn't occured to me that my intent had nothing to do with his intent. My desires to save the R had nothing to do with his desires. It took a bit of me watching what he was doing and listening to what he was saying to finally realize that we were on 2 different pages.

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>

How do you then know when you can get OUT of plan B if you have absolutely no contact?