OK, I have been doing plan A for a couple of weeks and my wife says I'm smothering her - because now I see her for lunch a few days a week, I am home by 6:00 PM, I tell her honestly how I feel and talk with her like never before. In the past 6 months before starting Plan A , she has asked for a divorce afew times, denied an affair I know is ongoing (this guy calls her on her cell phone or she calls him 3-4 times a day - and she is hiding her cell phone bills)and told me even then that she needed her space and that I she need to be able to choose me again.

She has asked again for me to leave, give her space, just be a friend right now and denies the affair. If she woin't admit the affair, how am I suposed to be in Plan A - she doesn't want to work on our relationship - she just wants me to be a friend and win her heart back (her words), but she says I must give her space and leave.

I want to tell her that if she wants space she needs to leave, but I'll still be here for her, call her , see her and spend time with her.

I almost think I should go to plan B and let her figure it out. Thoughts???
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apache -

When a suspected WS wants "space", that is the code for they want to continue their affair without interference. If someone has to move out, it needs to be her.

You will be able to find out more with some careful investigation. It is often a friend or someone that the WS works with.

If you have an idea, I would call up the wife and talk to her. Say something like you could be wrong, but you are very uncomfortable with her H's relationship with your W. Ask her if she has noticed anything that does not seem right. Then if all is well, tell her it is probably just a mistake, that you are just back from the war and not quite yourself yet.

Well, last night we talked for 3 hours after I confronted her with the affair and info. She said that while I was deployed she had a support group of women and a couple of married men she worked with. She said in the past she did not even talk to other men on a personal basis, but did strike up a friendship with this man. She said that she let him in closer than she normally would have, and that was because I wasn't there. She said he is married and has a wife that he loves and a daughter.

She said she is having difficulty dealing with her feelings about this man because of their friendship, and that because she felt I abandoned her during the deployment, she is having trouble letting me fill those needs. She said meeting him showed her that there are other people (men) out there that value her and who she is. I know I did not meet many of her needs before I left and while I was gone - so her trust in me is lacking.

I think she is still very protective of whatever type of relationship she is having with him - it may not be sexual - it may be that she is feeling guilty about having another man so close. Either way, it is getting between us getting better.

I told her what info I had, and asked her about the cell phone bills which were always thrown away after they were paid. I told her I think she is trying to hide something. Some questions she did not answer/would not answer like: have you ever kissed this man?

I know he can have a wife he loves, but still be having an affair also. If I call this man's wife, would that not destoy any trust left between me and my wife?? My wife does not trust many people - especially men - her issue. I am wondering if I just continue Plan A and see what happens? She still wants her space - I think- so not sure what is going on there.

I do not want to move out and my counselors say I should not. I am going to counseling - but right now she will not go. She was shocked that I had any info on the man, the cell phone, etc. She knows I am watching. Is that enough to bring any possible affair into the light. Her father knows what I've discovered as well.

If the cell phone is in your name, or has your name on the account, sometimes you can get your bill electronically. She wouldn't even know for a while.

Go to the internet site of the cell phone provider. For instance, ours is Verizon. They offer this service.

Amy

She asked me last night if I had called the OM cell phone or house (although she has never admitted to him being her lover/or the OM. She wanted to know how I got his name (even though she had mentioned it in the past as a friend who was helping her with her resume). She still thinks I am having her followed (which I am not). She wanted to know if I knew where he lived. Also, she noticed that my digital camera has been missing from the house and wanted to know why. She now only sleeps on the sofa and will get in the bed with me for a couple of hours early in the morning. I think she thinks I am satisfied with her answers, but I really am not. Do you think she is now afraid of what I know and this will cause her to end the affair, if there is one???

Sorry, no. This will cause her to get sneakier.

So, if it were you - you would now contact the OM wife???

Yes, I would check with her. I would just say I'm uncomfortable with their relationship. She may aid you in figuring this out.

Be prepared, wife will be mad. But there is something going on here, or she would not be so protective of him.

And if no imformation comes out, you have a least communicated with the other wife. Later if you find out more, you can compare notes.