My WH has been living at his grandparents since he moved out 7 weeks ago. I started Plan A this last weekend and everything has been going well with that.
Today he emailed me and told me that he couldnt handle living there anymore because his grandmother was always on him about leaving things laying around etc. He told me he is going to move in with the OW at the end of the month. He said he isnt doing this to hurt me.
I have suspected for several weeks that he was moving in this direction just my little things he would say.
He left 7 weeks ago and swears that his A did not start until then. He said he started having feelings for this co-worker about 6 months ago and has struggled through trying to work out what he should do and then he found out she had left her husband and he then approached her and so it begins. Now they are moving in together after supposedly only 7 weeks of confessing his feelings to her. He also says that they have only been alone about 6 or 7 times since he left. He swears that they have not had sex yet. BUT THEY ARE MOVING IN TOGETHER!!!!!....I am totally blown away. I really thought I had a chance to get him back.
When he sent me the email I responded with a reply of I am sorry that he is burning all of his bridges and just cant see what he is doing. He is hurting all the people that love him most. I told him that I would be here for him if he wanted to talk (he is very close to his grandparents). He responded with a very verbally abusive email telling me F*** you and F*** everybody he is sick of everybody wanting him to do what makes them happy that nobody cares what makes him happy...

I am so torn up.....I feel like I have lost him and I really am sad because I dont know the man he has become. He even didnt show up tonight for our little girls physical therapy appointment that he told us he would be at.

HELP!!!!!!!! Have I lost him!

Resaann

He is deep in the fog. It will be good for them to live together. It will not be pretty. In the meantime, stay in Plan A. It will not be easy. Come here and post and we will help you through this.

Most WS's come back to the marriage, so there is still lots of hope.

Believer,

I want to continue with Plan A, I called him this morning to see how he was doing, because I know that this really is bothering him because of the relationship with his grandparents. He was very cold and would not talk to me, so now I dont know what the next step is. I cant Plan A him if he wont come over or talk to me. I am attaching the letter that I sent to him in response to him telling me he was moving in with the OW....

******Well....I think it is a shame that you are the only one that cant see that you are not acting normally....you know I love you, and I know that doesn’t matter to you at all. You are tearing your family apart with this. Now it is not just me and the kids. I knew you were going to move in with her anyway. I don’t know for a fact but I kind of figured that is why you couldn’t take the kids on the last weekend of the month.

Does it hurt me? EXTREMELY!.........You have been looking for a reason to move in with her anyway.

I hope you will finally wake up and realize what you are doing.

I will be here for you in any way I can help you.

I hope before you burn all your bridges that you see what you are doing and what you have done. Because if all of this falls apart you are going to need someone to be there for you, and I cant promise you at this stage that I will be there for you. If things are really as bad as you say, you would have considered coming home where you belong and working things out with your family.

Visits with the girls for now should probably just be day visits until you can work out your living arrangements. This situation has affected them enough, let's not push them to much. I know you understand that.

Good Luck! ******************************

Someone please tell me what to do.....he is even loosing interest in doing anything with our kids....he isnt scheduled to see them again for 3 weeks....I am so scared!

Resaann

Stay in Plan A with no LB's. He will be back. All his talk is just fogtalk. Most WS's act like addicts, and seem like they will throw away everything. But most do not.

Stay in Plan A with no LB's. He will be back. All his talk is just fogtalk. Most WS's act like addicts, and seem like they will throw away everything. But most do not.

Have you read the thread here or in General Questions II that is "Plan B your WS and Plan A your S?"

It might be controversial, but it made lots of sense to me. When his defenses are up, all your Plan A falls on deaf ears, I think. Maybe stay dark on your side, and let him approach you?

I'm not sure. That is what I have done with my WH. The more I pressured and demanded, the further he went from me. Of course, I didn't think that is what I was doing, I was just trying to talk some sense into him! But he is in the fog. He only speaks fogese.

Keep reading and posting. And listen to Believer. She has been there, done that. She knows these plans!

Love, Amy

Back off from your Husband and work on YOU. Space is probably a good thing right now, even though it seems like exactely the wrong thing to do.

You can't MAKE you husband come back. He is not listening to you right now. His ears are broken:) Do not pursue him, it won't help. You are talking to a rock in the fog right now. Rocks don't talk, and what they might say probably isn't very interesting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Soooo.....

Let's focus on YOU, not THEM.

Take time to take care of yourself. It really will help. If you have extra money available, be a little selfish, and go out and "responsibly" spoil yourself a bit. You deserve it. I traded my own old car for a new one. I joined a fitness club, (excercise is the best thing you can do right now). I got a pass to a tanning bed. Taught my kids to ski. Got my first massage at a spa, I am learning Yoga. I read a lot. Here is a link to a book that I am reading that has been very useful, you can print it out.

http://www.meridianmagazine.com/books/020821bondsend.html

Do things that make you feel better about yourself. Your husband is the child here. Be firm and loving with him, just like you would be with your children. Develop a strong, confident quiet attitude. You are a Plan A warrior !!! (great saying, I swiped it from someone else on the board)

Since you have kids, schedule a baby sitter sometimes and go out and have some adult fun with friends, or explore something new by yourself. Tell the kids that mom has a plan. This will comfort them a lot.

Send the sitter bill to your husband. If he won't pay the bill, then schedule time with him via e-mail for him to watch the kids so YOU can go do something FUN. If he doesn't show up then document it, and save it for court. Don't bug him or get mad at him if he doesn't show up or make time to watch the kids. No LB's.

Talk to other people. Make sure that anyone who could POSITIVELY influence your husband knows about what is happening. Don't just blab about it to everyone in town. The more light you shine on this affair the better. Telling others will empower you. You might even help your friends save their own marriages. I have had some of my friends tell me that because of what is happening to me, they are taking a hard look at their own marriages. This makes ME feel really good!!

Be patient. This will probably take months. I am three months into this now.

No, NO, NO!!! LOVE BUSTERS....I learned this the hard way, and it cost me a month of bridge building with my WS. Put a smile on your face and be the best person you can be. Do what is right no matter what. You are a wonderful person, and taking the higher moral road will help you through this. Your husband may not show it, but this is hurting him also.

Keep the faith, he will probably come back. Either way the time and commitment on your part will be a positive thing.

Treasure each day.....