Hello everyone. Time for an update, for those of you who care to keep reading about my ballad (marriage aka malice in blunderland).
After confirming wife's indiscretions (at least in my mind) Monday, last week I spent more hours than I care to admit fashioning a legal separation agreement, which I presented to my wife this afternoon just before I left the family and retreated back to my place.
Wife had asked for such a thing back in November. But back then, and even as recently as late January, I simply was not in a good enough emotional state to deal with it. So I left it in her hands or, in other words, I waffled, vascilated, procrastinated, and capitulated, and was thus emasculated in my dealings with wife because she clearly had the upper hand. Remember, it is always the one who wants out who has the upper hand. I am not the type of person who wants anyone to have the upper hand, but if it has to be anybody may as well be me.
I have 4 children. The youngest and oldest are more like wife, in that they are not as vocal, do not often wear their hearts on their sleeves, and often keep their feelings to themselves, etc. However, it is usually the two middle ones (who are most like me - vocal, argumentative, highly energized) we have the problems with. Both wife and I know that once these two have been with the other parent and return "home", there will be hell to pay for a while. On Saturday, my younger son (child #2) was acting up while we were all in the car. I had to physically pull over and confront him about his attitude. After asking him what the problem was, he said he is acting up because he wants his mom and I to get back together. Wife has been very stubborn in her resolve to put the notion of reconciliation to rest with the kids. She repeatedly tells them that we are not getting back together. However, this is causing me no end to grief, as I have to deal with at least two of the kids on this matter on a weekly basis. It's beginning to annoy me because my wife's bad decisions should not be my burden, even though I know they are. On the way back to my place at the end of the day, older daughter (child #3) asked a question which brought tears to my eyes. She said, "daddy, why does life have to be so unfair?" (she is 7 years old). I asked her what she meant, and she said it is unfair that mommy and you aren't living in the same home...
Anyway, after taking the kids swimming Saturday night, we returned back to go to my youngest daughter's 6th birthday party. I was on pins and needles, because I knew that at the end of the day, wife would be returning to her home with a sealed manila envelope (the one containing the separation agreement).
At the party (we had a skating party; there were about 15 kids, and the usual assortment of moms and dads). I was the perfect gentleman. Remember, my wife has made alot of new friends since I moved out in July (most of these are my youngest daughter's classmates moms), and are basically all unknown to me. My wife feels safe around these women because she has got to know them on her own and they are not my friends (guess it makes her feel safer this way - understandable).
I made a point to walk up to each and every one of them and introduce myself as Mark, Rachel's father. I was positive, I was humorous, I was fun-loving, I was helpful, and I made sure I was looking good. The party was good - notwithstanding the tension. Even my wife's house-swapping friend (see first part of this thread for context) was vocally engaged with me for quite a bit of the afternoon. My sister (who was also there because my niece was invited to her cousin's party) has been very good to try to keep her nose out of my situation and has taken my advice not to speak to my wife about things. However, my sister did earlier (Monday) speak to my wife's friend (the one who was talking to me all afternoon). I know my wife's friend must have told my wife what she knows because wife could hardly look either of us in the eye today.
Anyway, at the end of the party I ran into a couple who wife and I used to know very well who, ironically, were married in the same church we were married in, and one week before us. We had not seen them in years, but it was quite sad because they do not know what has been going on in our lives and assumed that we are still together because we were together as a family at the skating rink.
After putting the kids weekend clothes in the family van at the end of the party, I handed my wife the manila envelope and calmly said to her "I've got something for you that you should read and that we need to discuss shortly". I left it at that. Next steps now belong to my wife. I have no idea what her reaction to the separation agreement will be. I mean she has wanted it, but I drafted it on my terms. It is very strong language (but written fairly and with quite a bit of legalese), but it just might wake her up. Even if it does not, I drove home feeling a sense of vindication. Knowing that I have taken a stand and I have drawn a line in the sand so to speak. I don't know when I will hear from wife about this, but I will definitely get back to this board as soon as I have something to report.
Plan B letter being formulated in my mind as I write... Sad but necessary.
Have a great evening everyone.
