Background: H having A for almost 2 years. Just discovered last fall. Worked on Plan A tactics but H would not let OW go. He left several months ago to "work on himself" and is in therapy. Doesn't know if he loves me or can love me - if he can commit to working on marriage until he works on self. He continues to see OW and may even be living there. Although I continue in Plan A behavior religiously, he responds with dismissal, disrespect and lies. No recognition on his part of any of my acts of meeting EN. In fact responds that they likely won't last. Continues to be in state of fog and I can't see the fog lifting given current state of his mind. Actions speaking louder than words, he continues to come to our home when he wants and is for the most part kind. Then, no calls to me or son for days on end. As a matter of fact he has only called/seen son 3 or 4 times since sep. He is treating entire family (mom, dad, siblings) who don't know about the A nor separation in similar way. Wants me to just tell them he's not home at the moment and I'll tell them he called - BUT don't make any commitments that he will call them back -- which he doesn't. Then they call me wondering why he hasn't called them. I feel it is his place to tell folks as he made his own bed and needs to come clean. Not me. He will only use my doing so against me. How do you know when you are ready to move to Plan B?

How long have you been in Plan A? Part of Plan A is exposing the affair. Time to tell his family. And yes, he will be mad.

Believer,
You have given me great advice in the past. Plan A since November. His brother and sister know. His folks do not. He has told me it would be a deal breaker if I were to tell them. So, naturally I've been reluctant. However, I am now at the point of understanding where my tolerance ends and pain begins. When (who knows when that will be) I talk/see him next, I'm going to confront this question -- "what keeps you from telling your folks if you don't care what they or anyone else thinks? If you won't tell them, I will because it is not only unfair for me to have to lie to them it is down right cruel - behavior that I won't tolerate from myself." I figure I will then go from there. But Plan A seems difficult given his mental state. I'd wonder if he is more than in fog but actually mentally ill given bizzare behavior and things that he has said.

Montana,

I agree with believer.Blow the affair WIDE open.Tell his family,see if they will support you and brace yourself.Don't believe what he says to you about it being a deal breaker,he is most likely bluffing but even if he weren't,they MUST know,it is crucial that everyone know.Stop making excuses for your WH regarding family.

Also,I would say if you Plan A for 3 months,then re-evaluate going to Plan B.Read up on it and decide.But also,if you really think that the Plan A material isn't reaching him and he is defiant,go sooner to plan B.Plan A does have a limit and at some point it becomes useless and even may not be helpful anymore if WH starts seeing you as a "doormat",not it's intention of course but it can appear that way,IMO,if done TOO long.

O

Listen to Octobergirl. Time to expose him to his parents. Don't tell him you are going to do it, just do it.

Sounds like good advice. I have decided to do this in stages. First, I will NOT initiate any contact with H. I will continue to monitor bank accts, credit cards etc to protect myself. When/if he does make contact, I will evaluate his BEHAVIOR as well as words said and plan for next step. If he appears to be not making any progress out of the fog, I intend to change locks, security, take over all household bills, begin dealing with separating finances, take personal responsibility for all the stuff he used to do for the house (and has continued to do but only when he gets time from his other "projects" with OW). Any experience with formal separation and whether this is a good thing in Plan B?

Montana,

I will follow you. I think that we are in the same boat. But I am in plan A shorter. WH hurts me by lying, denying A, staying out 4/7 of the time. He does some chores when he is around. Only when he is around. It is too painful.

Plan A needs to be done as long as possible. Then time for Plan B. I am in Plan B with a couple of slips and all my days are good.

I had to get off the rollercoaster. The great thing is you can detach and look at the whole situation. I haven't been sad in months.

However, our kids are out of the house. Members here with children at home need to think long and carefully about Plan B.

I told my husband's parents and his brother of WS's affair last Sunday night. H flipped the freak out and has said that we are at war. He lied to them and told them that I didn't want to have children and he did, and some other differences of opinion was the reason why he kicked my out of our home.

My family knows everything thanks to my big mouth brother telling them all, when I have refused to speak one word about it to them because of my humiliation and knowing they would turn on him if I was to show any anger about my husband over our situation. I am still protecting him from my family because they can make life miserable for him at work and that is the last thing I would ever want to happen.

Good luck.

I have decided to outsmart the fox at this point in time. Will take stepwise and smart moves that don't provoke and push him further into the fog. Will be discussing with therapist. My intuition in usually correct and my intuition is that he has already decided on divorce but is holding on here for financial reasons and to get affairs in order that benefit him/OW. Very sneaky behavior and has said that less info will be forthcoming. I will Plan A but take a tact of following 180 recommendations. I won't initiate the contact. Will limit talk. Won't ask where he is (don't even know where he lives). But, at same time, I am figuring out ways of protecting myself financially.

Good for you. Nothing says that we can't protect ourselves financially. Stay with the program and outsmart him. Get your ducks in a row.