Well, I read "Surviving an Affair" cover to cover. I just finished it, but it could be too late. My wife and I got into a discussion last night about her "friend" after my last discussion with my counselor. I told him the things she was saying to me about this friend. She said that he was there when she needed a friend. I said that the this relationship with this friend did not seem appropriate to me based on what she told me earlier. I reminded her that a year and a half ago, if I had a friend like that then she would have been very upset with me and would have wanted to know all about it. When asked more about the details of this friendship, she would clam up and just said that I should take whatever thoughts I had in my mind and triple them. I said that if there was nothing going on that was inappropriate then why wouldn't she tell me anything. I asked why shouldn't I be allowed to call this friend and tell him I was concerned about his relationship with my wife. She said that all that would do is cause his family pain and ruin her relationship with him. She said that she thinks I am having her followed and that our relationship is over and that what is wrong with our ralationship is my fault. She said she is calling a divorce lawyer today and is moving out. I told her I love her and that whatever has been going on can be worked thru, and that she is free to come and go as she pleases. I was not yelling or calling her names, just simply having a discussion. She slept on the sofa again and before I left this morning, I told her I loved her and that we can work thru this. She just got pissed off and said it's over. THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK! What did I do wrong??? We can even talk about this thing. In her mind, it is either move ahead and forget about it (while she holds me at arms length in our marriage), or get a divorce. WHAT NEXT? Do I put my savings in my new bank account and start protecting my interests and continue to Plan A, or move to Plan B??

How do I continue to work Plan A. If all she wants is a divorce when pressed about the OM - is there any hope??? Do I continue Plan A?? Do I move my money to an account that is not a joint account?? Will she see that as affirmation that I am a mean person who does not care about her and who also wants a divorce?? Do I seriously contact my divorce lawyer and get defensive or what??

Oh yeah, she said one of the reasons she is attracted to this man is because she can see the "little boy" in him and not in me. It is hard to show anything to a woman who holds me at arms length. She wants to see the "little boy" in me, but wants me to see the woman in her??? I should act liek a kid and see her as a desireable woman??

Do I now call the OM or his wife. My wife told me everthing I need to know - based on how I described a relationship I though she would see as inappropriate - she said then hers was - and more. I told her I had been tempted in the past (with a woman she knows), but the conversations with this woman got too uncomfortable for me as a married man - and I told the other woman it would be business only from now on - and it has been. I told her I would have no problem with her even asking the other woman about it (the woman is not her friend, but a woman I work with). I expalained to my wife that we are all human and we all make terrible mistakes that can hurt others, and that no matter what had happened while I was deployed - I thought we could work thru it baecause I love her - no positive respones from my wife.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

I don't think she will try to take all the money, but I certainly don't want to be funding a new lifestyle for her. I make very good money - much of it in savings from my deployment (about 25K). I have always tried to provide good financial support for us. She could not live alone the same way we have been living together. Now I feel like a chump. I have never had an issue with her spending money - she has always been very honest with money and always seems to do the right thing in that arena. I just don't want to be enabling her "fog" with my $$$$. Lack of lots of extra spending money will absolutely show some reality.

Yes - I think (hope) time will help.

I just got the phone with my wife. She said that when I get home tonight she will be gone - for good and that last night I ruined everything. She says that I am having dillusions (whatever that means). She said don't call her, dont't come looking for her - goodbye - for good! I just want my marriage and wife back. What now??

apache -

Take all of your deployment money out today and put it in your own account. Otherwise you could end up funding either her fantasy or your own divorce.

My H was always trustworthy with money. When he had the A, he asked me to move out and I almost did. Then I found out he was planning on moving OW in, just like that (after knowing her for 2 months).

You have a right to protect yourself and your interests even while in Plan A. WS's convince themselves that whatever they do is alright, and then continue to do whatever they want.

Apache - See if you can get a phone appointment with the Harleys or Cerri. It is expensive but will save you in the end. Also more advice is coming.

Why can't I just call the OM or his wife? At this point I have NOTHING else to lose.

You have $25,000 to lose. Yes you need to call OM's wife, but please check with the Harley's or Cerri and you can save your marriage and the money.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why can't I just call the OM or his wife? At this point I have NOTHING else to lose.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should have called much earlier. Understand Dr. Harley does not see exposing an affair as a love buster. Recovery cannot come about until the affair is ended.

As for your money can she withdraw without your signature?

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

My wife just called me again and said that I would regret the two things which stick in her mind that I said last night:

1. I told her (when she said she was leaving) that I loved her and she sould come and go as she pleased - I was not trying to control her.

2. I would not just "give up" and get a divorce.

Said that she would make it painful - and that I was making our relationship look like "Jerry Springer".

fog, fog, fog

Ignore it and keep up with the MB methods. You'll have better luck getting sensible conversation from my two month old.

More fog talk. Get your money out.

My sister is an attorney. She warned me that the first thing WS's go for is the money, and important papers. I told her my H would never do that. She advised me to move papers. Well guess what, I went to check our paper files, and everything was already gone.

Move your money, but don't spend it, until this can be sorted out. An attorney can eat up $25,000. in no time. Don't fund the D that you don't want.

This is my 2¢.

Take all you money out exept household $.
Expose the A ... talk to OM & OMW, if OM is in military, talk to his command.

Why ? ... she is a cake eater and she is negotiating with you to keep you at length and she tried to give you a bread crumb.

DO IT ASAP and don't listen to her but keep repeating your mantra "I love you, I still love you and we could fix this M but I would not subject myself to this."

-rh-

Apache

First, I'm sorry I never got back to you in that other threat. Too late to answer your questions now.

Now, call the OM's W NOW!! Your wife is all fog right now. Complete and total fog. Expose the affair! It makes NO DIFFERENCE if it's EA or PA or EA/PA blah blah, it's an affair, it's inappropriate and your being a door-mat! It's time you stop putting your wifes/OM's "feelings" ahead of yours and take action to make things the way they should be.

By the way, if OM is military, a short conversation with his 1st Sgt will make things much easier for you and much more difficult for him. Besides, he deserves a kick in the butt.

M.