Well, as of last night, I surrender. It's over, stick a fork in it it's done. I am so tired of being blamed for everything, including cloudy days. I've put up with this for 9 months now and I can't take any more. Turns out all of the "hopeful" signs were smoke screens and I naively followed them thru like there ever was a chance.<P>We had a pretty good argument last night. W told me that she sees no alternative to moving out. She has complained about things like not having any time alone. A few thousand times I have told her that when she felt like that, just let me know and I would make myself scarce. Even take a motel room for a night or two if that was necessary. Well, it must be so much more satisfying to never say that solitude is needed and be able to blame me for not reading her mind.<P>It really didn't matter to her that even her therapist told her that moving out on her own for a while with no "rules" at all with the ability to re-start the affair and sleep with OM was unacceptable even to her. She still feels like I am being unfair to her in not letting her do this while we stay married.<P>I'm not even going to go into the rest of the argument now. I just can't take this anymore. I used to think that she was well worth the trials and tribulations we went through, but I don't think that way anymore. I want to wakeup from this nightmare and try to start re-building my life. I used to believe that since we were married and loved each other so, that we had something special, something worth keeping. Well, evidently she doesn't, at least if everything is not done to her exacting specifications. Even that would be OK if it didn't involve debasing me.<P>Her attitude, blame and rationalizations last night, killed something big in me. So many of the rest of you have the integrity, stamina and peace of mind to weather worse than what I've got here. I admire you for that, and wish I had a little of it, but I don't. I'm going insane living this Springer soap opera. I'm not perfect, but I'm a better person than needs to be treated like this.<P>I thank all of you for all of the good advice you've given me over the months and all of the love and caring you've demonstrated. If it hadn't been for that, I would have probably gone "postal" a long time ago.<P>I hope I don't disappoint anyone, but I'm not necessarily leaving this forum. I have learned a lot here and gotten a lot of support. I want to stick around to in some small way, repay the debt I owe to a lot of you.<P>I'm so sad, but the frustration and anger vastly outweigh the sadness.<P>What a way to begin the new year, eh????<P>--DeWayne--

Oh, my friend, I am so so sorry. (Yes I have returned to the land of the living.)<P>You know, it's time for YOU to rest now. It's reached that point. Until she gets her head straight, finds out all the things she needs to find out for herself, you will not be able to get through to her.<P>I know she's noticed how wonderful you've been. She'll take that with her. And you just take care of you. That's what is most important now.<P>So, like we told Sheryl. Stop, rest, do nothing, but try to get through this. And yes, you know there are other things I'm thinking (you know me too well). Don't worry, I'll say them all when the time's right for YOU. But now, I don't think it is.<P>I'm here if you need me. And sending tons of hugs and all my extra strength your way (don't laugh, there's a little left!) Take care of you for a while. The ride continues.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{DeWayne}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

<B>Lori</B> -- Just don't know what I would do without you right now. All of your advice is <B>so</B> good, but it's not rest I need now, it's freedom(imagine me saying that). I've got to get away from this woman and start living, loving and enjoying life again. Once she's gone, she can recognize the good things I did all she wants. I just don't care anymore. <P>I left for the office as soon as she got up because I don't even want to be in the same block as her right now. I'm going to stay away until late tonight because today is my b-day(Please, please, no "happy bday" I really don't feel like it today) and I know she got me a gift and a cake. I saw the card she bought because I was unloading the grocery sacks from the last time she went and it was some generic non-committal card you might get for an acquaintence. Don't feel like faking any pleasure today.<P>Ironically, I'm starting to feel a good bit of sympathy for OM. Wait until she starts blaming him for all of the failures in her life!! Poor guy isn't going to know what hit him. After all, the depression and attitudes that have led to this have been with her for years before we met and right now she thinks all of this is my fault. So there's not much chance that she will wake up from this or she would have done it years ago.<P>Thanks again to the best friend I never met...<P>--DeWayne--

HP:<P>So sorry to hear about all this. But you know, MB isn't about sitting and taking it until you're dead...it's about a PLAN to take care of yourself while giving the marriage a chance. Everyone has a different threshhold of "enough." If you've reached yours, no one is in a position to judge you because you couldn't hold out as long as someone else can.<P>I don't know if you're in Plan A or Plan B, but it sure sounds like you've gotten into that "out of love" part of Plan B that we all hope won't happen. <P>And if it is over, well, don't think you don't have something to offer here anyway. I for one won't judge you.

D&C -- Thanks...I've been Plan A'ing for 9 months.....

Then maybe it's time to get into Plan B first???

D&C -- Thanks, but no thanks. My patience is exhausted. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Plan A is officially ended as of last night, Plan D is off and running and within a week or two of the finish line. The Harleys notwithstanding, this really is the best course for me.<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>I'm so sorry and you know I have already gone through this stage. Please keep on posting as you will have some rough times ahead.<P>Don't blame yourself, it still is your w's choice to not work on things.<P>I too would suggest Plan B but if you are done, then I can understand that too.<P>My blowup with my ew back in early Dec was actually quite cathardic(sp). My counselor suggested that it put me back in control of my emotions/feelings. She doesn't recommend confronthing your spouse at work, but a good air clearing "discussion" never hurts.<P>My prayers are with you buddy.<P>God Bless<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Hi DeWayne,<P>Her moving out is probably the best thing right now. You've been in Plan A a very long time. Longer than I could have done. Step back, and recharge your batteries.<P>When my H moved out on Dec 1 (closer to OW), I felt like that was the last straw. That he was backing me into a corner, and I would have no choice but to file for D. I even gave him the impression that I was going to do so. The most I did (so far) was I had the locks to the house rekeyed. That really, really shocked him. <P>Since he moved out, he has called me OFTEN, sent me Christmas cards, and asked me if I would relocate out of state with him in the spring. I have made no attempt to contact him. Except I did break down and mail him an insurance card a couple of days ago. It's reality that ends affairs. Plain & simple. There is NOTHING we can do to make them end it, bring them to their senses, or expedite it. That's just the way it is. My H is miserable, and your wife probably is too. The way I look at it, is, as long as my H is unhappy, he will never be able to make me happy. Who wants to be around an unhappy person? I would rather not be around him, until he can resolve his personal problems.<P>You will find, once you get over the shock of her moving out, that your life will be much more bearable. I am cultivating some very close friendships, doing things on my own, and rebuilding my self confidence. I'm also using the time to evaluate whether I even want to reconcile. My dreams have been VERY disturbing. I would advise that you don't file for D right away. There is really no hurry. When you consider that most relationships entered into within a two year period after a marriage ends, are failures, the worst thing you could do right now is get into a rebound relationship. Use this time to work on YOU.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{DeWayne}}}}}}}}}}}}},<P>You've been here way long enough to know that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> can and does fail for all too many. <P>The recommendations for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> are more than well founded. You've hit you limit of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... I see that happening to me too in a few <B>more</B> months... (Steve asked me to keep on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>-ing!)<P>I'd suggest... take a week off of everything...<BR>Then take a look at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> post. This gives you <B>nothing to lose!</B><P>Divorce is <B>deadly</B>... It is a killer in terms of emotional upheaval. I'm going through it right now... this Friday the courts will have to rule one of m W's "notice of motion"... Do you how much money just one of these costs?... Do you know much much "bad"/"evil" you will have to rehash?... Do you know how much the lawyers will syphon off you assets... It <B>SUCKS</B> (no mis-spelling here!)<P>Please take a week away from even the MB forum... regroup your thoughts... then come back... check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>... and give your head... your heart... your finances a break!<P>Jim

<B>Bob</B> -- Good to hear from ya man. Yeah, I'll keep posting if I need help. I do want to be around for anyone else that I can help. I've gotten so much here and finding this board was a life-saver for me.<P>Oh, there's probably plenty I could be blamed for, just not the stuff W is saying. I'm so tired of that and it has really wore me down. She is so angry that I won't buy into this "playtime". You know, I wouldn't even want to bet that anything would happen, I'm just not going to let her set me up. I've dealt with her squarely and honestly all along and then I get accused of playing games, not respecting her, etc.<P>I appreciate everyone's suggestion for Plan B, but I don't have it in me. It's time to end this torture. Maybe it will help her, too.<P>We've actually had three or four blowups like this since I moved back. I never saw any of them as "fatal" as W did. That is until this one. I just reached the breaking point.<P>You know, another of her delusions is that the Celexa she's on is for "dizziness". She swears it's not for depression. She's only on 20mg dose which is the lowest they prescribe. I talked to my therapist, two psychiatrists and a GP and they all said Celexa is a really new drug and has <B>only</B> been approved for depression. What planet is W on?<P>Anyway, Bob, thanks your support is appreciated.<P><B>sidney</B> -- Thanks much. I am going to recharge the old batteries, but once their up to snuff, this old vehicle is heading down a different road with different people. I moved out from 5/31 to Labor Day weekend supposedly to give her a chance to get her head together. After almost four months nothing had changed. She rejected joint counselling so I filed D in September. My attorney told me a week ago that we can wrap it up in a week or two and it will be done. I'm not going to get into any "rebound" relationship.<P>I'm just fed up with all of the BS. I finally told my Dad about all of this today. I told him that I was really starting to feel sympathy for OM. Wait until the newness wears off and <B>he</B> has to start putting up with this crap. Poor guy.<P>--DeWayne--

Jim has some great advice here. I think it would be a good idea to rest for a week. Then, decide what you want to do. Maybe you will decide to go into Plan B after all. I understand how worn you are. It's difficult to continue feeding into something where you are not getting anything back in return. Now, it's time to work and focus on you. Hang in there friend. Prayers are with you.

<B>Jim</B> -- We were posting at the same time. You know, you are one of the archangels of this place. As usual, your advice is sound, but my friend, I'm well past even Plan B at this point.<P>Divorce is a killer, but so is the garbage I'm having to put up with. I've tried so hard, made so many changes, some weren't really flaws or defects that were corrected, just things to make her happier.<P>Thankfully(or unfortunately, depending on your goal), divorce is pretty easy in Colorado. All it takes is <B>one</B> spouse to declare that the marriage is "irretrievably broken". For all practical purposes, the other spouse has no ability to stop it. They can contest the assertion, but the judge only needs one spouse to make the assertion.<P>We had already been thru the separation agreement issues and agree on most everything else(except the value of the house, but that's another story), so this divorce will be a cheapie as far as they go. Each one of us will incur about $1200 in attorney fees and court costs. We don't even have to make a court appearance.<P>As far as rehashing "evil", it happens weekly at my house. I can't take it anymore, so it's goodbye to her.<P>I would never say I wouldn't be interested in a reconciliation, but at this point it would take a lot of massive changes on her part.<P>Jim, thanks again. Luv ya, man.<P>--DeWayne--

<B>NT</B> -- Thanks....

DeWayne,<P>NO, I will not judge you at all!!! If you have reached your limit, then you have and I am sorry that she continues to be perfect while you can do nothing right. <P>I do agree with sidney...don't run and file for divorce tomorrow. Your emotions are raw and you are exhausted and hurt by the total insensitivity of this woman. You try so damn hard and they just sit and feel sorry for themselves - what they want, what they need, what they must do for them themselves. All the while you are there trying to be sensitive and deliver all the things you humanly can to make their day brighter and it gets no or little notice.<P>Well, let her go...let her go...let her go. DeWayne, you need all the focus and energy on yourself now. She broke the last straw and the camel needs to fix himself. Spend some time being good to DeWayne for a change!!!!<P>Give it ALL a rest...don't even think about it. In a while if you feel the same, go ahead and file and know that you tried as hard as anyone can. Maybe a little time and distance will cause some different things to happen to turn your situation around. You owe it to yourself to wait and see a little bit. If not, or if she does come around and you don't want her anymore, then proceed with the divorce.<P>I know I am not supposed to say this, but...Happy birthday, my dear friend, DeWayne! Don't be mad...<P>Luv ya, friend...<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

<B>desiree</B> -- My emotions have been raw for almost 9 months now. My head is bloody from all of the collisions with brick walls. I feel like I've got to end this to save my life. My work has suffered and I rarely feel good anymore. My conscience and morals require me to proceed with the divorce. I will not sanction any "playtime", I don't care how much I love her. Someday, I will be in love with someone who would never ask for something like that, someone who appreciates what I would do for her and someone who would gladly do things for me. He!!, it might even be W, though I wouldn't put any money on that if I were you.<P>And, desiree, I'm <B>not</B> mad at you, I'm crying...<P>love you too, my good friend...<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>Yes, you are a <B>GOOD MAN</B>!!!!! Here are all of us good people and we had to go and marry all the insensitive selfish people we could find... <P>You will do better next time...whether it is your W or not. You have grown and are a kinder, gentler DeWayne and yes...you <B>deserve</B> much more than you are getting right now....!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

The only difference between plan B and divorce is that in plan B you do not date.<P>Why can't you do that? What is wrong with working on you for a while, and maybe she will come to her senses? <P>Yes, you've been tortured enough, and you must not argue with her one bit. You must back off and cut her off, 100%. Cut her out of your life. But don't date.<P>And, then, if she decides she wants to come back, then it is your decision whether you want to divorce or try again.<P>Don't make final decisions like this after all your hard work.<P>Do not lovebust with her, but cut her off.<P>Seriously, this is the best advise I can give you.<BR>tnt

Hey there D,<P>Sorry to hear you're having a tough go of it right now. This stuff doesn't make any day easy, does it?<P>This may sound trite but just take one day at a time. I strongly agree with trustntruth. The only actions you have to take for the moment are those which get you back to healing yourself.<P>Seriously, this is not going to go away quickly. It won't be wrapped up easily. The act of divorce will not even be the end of it all. Because your emotions will lag much behind your intellect.<P>DeWayne, this is about "process", not "product". It's not about DOING, it's about BEING. Does this make sense? You can divorce her, you can write her out of your life. Literally. But... she'll still be there. In your consciousness, your subconscious, the shared experiences that are part of you.<P>Please, think about it. Besides being empathetic and giving you someone on which to lean, the best we can do is offer you our experiences. We're saying "go slow".<P>Hang in there,<P>DMac

Heartpain<P>Been a long time since I have posted here but couldn't resist after reading your situation.<P>GOOD FOR YOU for making the decision. I believe I know exactly how you feel. I relocated 3000kms back to my hometown 19th Dec to commence a PlanB. I had a letter all figured out and drafted after putting up with 4 months of Plan A on a 10 month old affair. My wife is still full tilt with the OM and quite frankly like "Gone with the Wind" I don't give a damn.<P>Since arriving home the support of all my friends has been staggering. After much soul searching, I now feel that there is no way I deserved what has been dished out. I feel so much stronger and better in myself it was without a doubt THE BEST MOVE I EVER MADE. I have since broken off all contact completely with her (much to her dismay), no Plan B letter, and I feel great.<P>As far as I'm concerned now they can have each other, I am getting on with my life AND LOVING IT. To think that 2 months ago I was devastated and to see me now is a remarkable transformation.<P>As NSR says a big price to pay financially no doubt, I have that to look forward to but at least at the end of the day I will retain my self respect and dignity. I will survive.<P>I do believe there may come a day when she wishes to get back together, but I have to say with each passing day the answer to that is moving closer to NO WAY.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough