My H had an A while he was in India on business with an Indian woman (he has sexual realtions with her and fell in love with his "true" soulmate). They are international business colleagues, so while they can no longer see each other (one definite unique advantage, as she cannot easily come here without serious funds, visas, etc and he cannot easily go there without funds, me knowing, etc), they do frequently e-mail, "chat" on instant chat or call each other via intercompany resources.

My H shared with me that I had been disrepectful for many years, and that he had privately lived in pain in our relationship. Then he met this woman, who by the very nature of her culture, would definitely meet this emotional needs (she is not only respectful, BUT downright subservient, etc).

I have known since November, and have been working diligently in Plan A. Lost some weight. Stepped up my Christian walk. And just treated H with unconditional respect. We have been in MC since October. He has noted the changes in me, and now seems more confused than ever (I have ended LBing, and am diligently making Deposits, but the "bank" is not always open.) Our obliviated friendship seems to have healed considerably (we were always best, best friends and could talk for hours and hours about anything).

He now doesn't know if he loves me or loves her (and doesn't know if he ever loved me). I realize that is his way to legitimize what he is doing (I actually feel for the OW, because he is telling her countless lies too, making promises or sharing status about the M that are not true, and she has to contend with a very angry family because she is breaking some serious cultural taboos).

He has decided he wants to move out and "get in touch with himself, strengthen his spirituality, decide what he wants to do." But at the same time, he continues the manipulation, by crying about his leaving, saying he doesn't know how he will live without his best friend, asked me if I would cuddle with him last night, since it would be our last night together...like he is morning his own leaving...and then he changes to being cold, and almost seeming angry.

I understand the basic premise of plan B. Basically, I disengage as much as possible (we share two children, so I will see him every other weekend, and also every Sunday at Church). I won't be calling him. Won't be e-mailing him. Won't be doing recreational things with him. But what is the Plan B letter.

I am convinced that I will not allow him back into the house until he sends the OW a NC letter, and that he shows some sort of interest and committment in rebuilding the marriage (to date, like most of the other posts on the site, he says he is sorry he hurt me, but not sorry about what happened, because he fell in love, blah, blah, blah, or maybe he didn't fall in love, but just the dream of a new life...or maybe he doesn't know what the heck he fell in but a pile of you know what!).

So, Plan B experts...give me some tips! What is the Plan B letter? How do I conduct myself when I see him weekly? What conditions do I set for our future relationship? What conditions do I set to protect our children?

Thanks,
Married 9 years this February
7/03 left for India
9/03 committed adultery
10/03 came home & told me he didn't love me anymore
11/03 I discovered adultery through an e-mail love letter he had sent to her, put Plan A in action.
2/04 H is moving out to "find himself"

ChristyV-

Well you write him a letter that goes something like this:

Dear H -

I am sorry for my part in the failure of our marriage. I realize now that I made many mistakes.

When we married, I thought it would be forever and still desire this.

However, to protect my love for you, I will have no contact with you as long as you have any communication with OW, except when it is about matters concerning our children or finances.

If you ever come to the point that you have no contact with OW, and want to work on our marriage, I will gladly talk to you about what would be necessary to rebuild.

Now that I am spending a lot more time in reading about Plan A vs. Plan B, do you think I should be going to plan B at this point (or continuing in Plan A). My husband is definitely a cake eater, but I can say that this weekend with him moving out has been the source of some love busters, depression, crying, visible pain.

Your thoughts?

Plan A should be about 3 months. But if you are losing your love for him or can't stop LB's, time for Plan B.

Hi. I posted here twice then just gave up on my marriage. My husband is a law student, we live in San Fransisco. He had a PA with a student who is Indian as well (she grew up in the US). She has since moved and graduated, but I can tell when he has contacted her, because he appears distant and on a different planet. I too found letters he had written her, emails they had exchanged and credit card receipts for things he had purchashed her. Mind you, he rarely says "I love you" to me, unless I tell him first. His school has always come first, his life and needs have always come first. He has the nerve to blame me for not meeting his EN, what about my EN? I have two kids, and I want to be married to him. I made a promise when I got married that it would be for eternity, but now realize that I cannot be the person wants. I cannot change to please him. I have needs too, needs he cannot meet. My father is a very successful lawyer, but only in his business. He failed me as a father, was never there for me. I made a promise to never marry someone like my father, and my husband is just like him. My husband is now living with his friend because he too wants to find himself. I have tried Plan A, I have lost weight, I have tried meeting his EN and being there for him. I love him and want to work on my marriage, but at what point do you stay true to yourself. Maybe I need to find my "soulmate" and "my best friend" someone who completes me. I am just tired of this rollercoaster ride. I am tried of fighting and throwing up. My kids are youung, and they are going to scarred for life. Running away is not an option, working on my marriage sometimes feels an uphill battle. ChristyV do find yourself comparing yourself to the other woman. I want to know what she wears, what she looks like, what she says to my husband, what she does to keep him happy. I have so many questions, so many that are left unanswered. I husband refuses to talk about her, he tells me it is not about her, but about us. Does your husband say things like that. Do you think a relationship between two people from two different cultures can work. I am so scared he is going to leave me, our kids for her. I mean, we are totally different. I am blond she is brown. We are complete opposites. I hope we can continue posting here. I am finding this very helpful. Thanks for your post.

Dear hblaneinSF:

Man o man, do I feel your pain. If the EN in my relationship was that I was not treating H with enough respect (and I was guilty, MAJOR guilty of lots of angry outbursts and disrespectful comments), there is no way in heck I can compete with the culture of this woman. So I used to compare myself to her and feel this real sense of hopelessness. She is dark and very petite, and I am pale and of medium build. She is quiet and reserved and I am strong, determined, driven, charasmatic, a natural leader, a loving person, but not in the lease subserviant. And I cannot pretend to know everything about the Indian culture, but what I have learned about her, is that she is TOTALLY submissive, and her entire life would revolve aroung my H's needs and wants, to a degree that no American woman would be comfortable with. I made the FATAL error of calling her a couple of times, and she was totally committed to saying, telling, believing, repeating, waiting, following, ANYTHING that my H would tell her to...and that is SAD and crazy. Because even when I would point out lies he told her (like, for example, that he was still sexually active with me), she would say "I will just have to accept whatever BS says is true and appropriate for him right now."

BUT, I do not apologize for who I am anymore. God doesn't make mistakes...and He made me. And if my H wants a woman who basically will not have independent thought, than I will NEVER be the woman for him (regardless of whether he started this thing with her or not). But I do not believe, deep down inside, that is what he will want. He is also very intelligent, and has always been energized by our intellectual, cultural, philosophical, and spiritual discussions. And he was interested and attracted, at one time anyway, in the way I confidently took stands and had deep convictions in my life. And while I can change the dynamic between us (taking care to treat him with the respect that he deserves as a human being, the father of my children, and the "priest" of our home), I can't and WON'T change who I am, the very God-given gifts that other people appreciate and prize in me! Enough! I owe it to myself and my children to stand, quietly, chin up, not trying to change the beautiful and wonderful and amazing things about me that I was lucky enough to be gifted with.

I also have two very young children (9 and 4), and they are both in MAJOR PAIN. and they need to see me stand...in a kind, but STRONG way.

I did Plan A for 5 months. And while a lot of the anger, resentment, bitterness, and displacement that was formerly in my husband has distinctly subsided, HE BECAME A FIRST CLASS, A-1-A, CAKE EATER! He tells me enough or not enough to manipulate me into thinking there may be a shred of hope to salvage our marriage, and I am sure he is doing the same thing with the OW (so he can not have to committ to any decisions and so he can have all his options open).

Bottom line is, hblaneinSF, YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THE WONDERFUL WOMAN YOU ARE! And you don't worry about competing with her. There are no comparisons. You stand proud and be the woman he fell in love with. Try to quietly meet as many EN's as you can (without losing your mind), and just hold tight. And if he doesn't notice or isn't phased, fine, do them unto God, not your H. And THEN, if you can't deal anylonger, tell him he has got to go and move to plan B.

For me, I wanted to know, that if my marriage failed, I could look back and know that I saw and owned my mistakes, took strides to fix them, and tried to do the right thing. Not only for me and my own conscious, and my own obvious need to someday heal from all of this (with or without my H), but for the sake of my children. I wanted to be able to put them to bed, and know I tried everything to save this family. And I wanted to be able to get on my knees in prayer each evening and know I was conducting myself to the best of my ability in God's will!

I started phasing out of my H's life this weekend (he has been packing and moving out, his choice, all weekend, but definitely dragging his feet, acting weepy, like he doesn't want to go, and did I mention it was his choice to go), and he has been in a panic. He has been asking me why I seem more distant. I am not being hateful, just pulling away. And when he leaves for good (tonight is his last evening), it will be black out time...no more contact until he makes a choice.

He says ALL THE TIME that it is not about her...so then I ask him, then why not end it, and he says he doesn't know. So I say, because it is about her. I asked him to write down a list of his best characteristics in one column, and then write down all the choices he has made in the last 6-months, and see how many of them are totally out of character for him...and tell me it is not about her. Then who is it about? Are you reshaping yourself, changing your identity, to be a man of LESS integrity?

As I see it, my H will either have to open his eyes and see what he is doing and make the right choice, or abandon his whole value system (she is Hindu, we are Christian, he is married and this is wrong, does he want to right by his children, or toss them aside, etc).

And my H now admits that his anger, his accusations of what I did or didn't do, was more of a way to NOT take responsibility for the AWFUL thing he did and is still doing.

So don't you DARE own his guilt! Stand proud.

I am happy to be in Plan B land. It is a much better place to be!!!!!

Wow, how did you hang in to Plan A for 5 months. It is amazing. I will keep reading your posting about the progress.

I did plan A for 5 months by using the following tools:

1.) Prayer, prayer, more prayer, and did I mention prayer.

2.) Studying every single solitary marriage book I could get my hands on (my favorites were "The Grace of Marriage" by Smalley, Harley's stuff in Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and of course all of this website was very helpful, John Gottman's "The 7 Principles of Marriage," and Eggerich's "Love and Respect" (Dr. Eggerich's is on to something big for Christian women...go to loveandrespect.com...I learned a lot about showing unconditional respect to my husband here...not to do unto him, but to do unto God...almost as if Jesus was standing right behind him, smiling on every word or deed I did, despite my H's responses.

3.) Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds (I'm not a pill popper by nature, but it sure did help to soften the sting during this difficult time)

4.) Working out my frustrations like some kind of maniac at the gym.

I am glad it is over...because it was taking a toll. My motivation was my kids and my future healing...I knew I wouldn't be able to heal, especially if my marriage failed, unless I knew I had tried my hardest and gave it my best shot.

Plan B will probably be just as difficult, but for different reasons.

Plan B was actually a huge relief to be. It got me off the rollercoaster, and able to look at my marriage more clearly. It has been mostly peaceful, with a few slips.

This is most amazing. My husband is one BIG CAKE EATER TOO! He has lied so much that I am not sure if we will ever have a normal relationship. I cannot trust anything he has to say to me. He tells me has not contacted her then I find out he has. Fortunately I have access to this cell phone messages and email, so I can moniter his emails, at this point I could careless if he were emailing or calling her using other emails or phones.

He continues to tell me that it is not about her, then why the HELL did he get involved with her. I made him email her a NC letter, but she continues to email him. He states that he does not respond, but he actions have proven otherwise in the past. He refuses to have his email changed and tells me it is impossible. I have kicked him out on several occasions, but this time he moved out. I am afraid it is for good, and I am learning that this may have to be a way of life for me. I am not scared, but the consequences of our marriage (the Catholic Church) and my childre are what also worries me. I don't want my kids to keep hearing us fight and scream at each other. I know he loves our children, but I think he would have prefered if we never had children. He would never admit that, but I can tell. He made a commitment to me but is now backing out to find himself. How can he leave his wife and children. He wants somebody to fill his intellectual needs, his sexual needs, blah blah blah. He claims we have changed, and doesn't know if we can save our marriage.
He decided to go to school and get a law degree to provide us with all the things we wanted, but at what cost. He is never home. He is never there for me emotionally then has the nerve to blame me for not meeting his EN. I always try to ask him how things are at school, but he shuts me out. He thinks, I don’t understand or can’t understand.

They accuse us of not meeting their EN but what about our EN. I am a stay at home mom, teach Sunday School, go out with my friends once in a blue moon but mostly stay home talk to little kids and my neighbors. I always try to be there for my husband, but he refuses to let me in. This is my life; get up, fix breakfast, take the kids to school, come home and clean, fix dinner, pick up son and daughter, wait for husband to come sometimes at 1 or 2 am. He is not living with us, we are too much stress for him.

I don’t want to compete with that OW, but I realize that she full fills something in his life, that I couldn’t. He refuses to allow me to talk to her or email her. I wish I could write her a letter telling her of all the trauma and pain she has caused my family, but I have to stay quiet so that my husband can be happy. I am determined to work on my marriage too, but I am feeling that it is over.

ChristyV why do you think you will look back and look at your mistakes. Our husbands are the one who made the mistake of becoming the BS. We are doing our best, but they are not responding. When do you say enough is enough? I am so tired and exhausted. I have to start thinking about working again, and maybe moving closer to my family. I find myself wanting to have sex with him not because I want to but because it conveys to me that he still loves me. I don’t want to be the other woman, I just want someone to love me. I don’t think my BS ever loved me, he just pretended too. I was convenient for him to marry me, we were young and did not know better. We (myself and children) will never be a priority to him, his job and career will always come first. He keeps telling me that it is only going to get worse after he finishes school and goes into practice in a firm. There he will meet other woman, and I don’t think I can go through another emotional roller coaster like this.

I am going to start taking AntiD soon. I am not throwing up as much, but find myself crying most of the time. He refuses to answer my questions, and shuts me out. And plays game with me, pretending that he wants to work on our marriage, but I know he is just doing it until I request the divorce. I am almost there, I deserve better.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: hblaneinSF ]</small>

Hblane:

You said: "He wants somebody to fill his intellectual needs, his sexual needs, blah blah blah. He claims we have changed, and doesn't know if we can save our marriage."

They all seem to say this. Look over the other posts through the entire Infidelity section. THEY ALL SAY THIS. Despite their gender, age, number of years being married, etc...they all say it. This is because they are trying like hell to live in their own skin and look in the mirror each day, and in order to do this and not HATE themselves, they have to legitimize away what they are doing with lame excuses and lies like "We've changed. I never loved you, blah, blah, blah." You do, however, need to listen to what he is saying about the needs you are not meeting and try your best to meet them. And the best advice I heard (and sometimes follow more successfully than other times) is just to be silent. Silent and gentle and kind. But silent. Make cordial conversation, be engaged as much as you can, but ultimately, if you feel that sorrow and grief and rage welling up and you are about to do a good reaming, then quickly walk away, go into another room, make yourself busy with chores or something. The screaming and yelling and major dischord has got to stop...it only incites you and pushes him further away.

You also said: "ChristyV why do you think you will look back and look at your mistakes. Our husbands are the one who made the mistake of becoming the BS. We are doing our best, but they are not responding. When do you say enough is enough? I am so tired and exhausted. I have to start thinking about working again, and maybe moving closer to my family. I find myself wanting to have sex with him not because I want to but because it conveys to me that he still loves me. I don’t want to be the other woman, I just want someone to love me. I don’t think my BS ever loved me, he just pretended too. I was convenient for him to marry me, we were young and did not know better."

See my comment above. They always say they never loved you. But unless you were one of the rare exceptions in this world that actually held a gun to his head to marry you, he did it of his own free will. No one forced him to make the committment he made. He freely and willingly made it. So don't believe all the baloney about "never loving you." Next time he says that, you could gently reply "I don't recall anyone forcing you to marry me or make the committment of a lifetime. You freely made that vow, and you freely promised for better or for worse...not for better or better."

I would encourage you to start working on yourself. Period. Basically, WORSE case, he leaves you, you divorce, you are burdened with the task of picking up the pieces of your life, your family, getting a job, etc. BEST CASE, he realizes he is a bonehead, and you get on with the work of....picking up the pieces of your life, your family, etc. Either way, you must promote healing and move on from this...so why not start on that now. Start intensely (but kindly) examining yourself. Seek help and love from your Christian friends. Start exploring issues that may be deeply buried in your heart that may not have anything to do with your marriage intiatially, but may have affected your marital relationship. Start moving on with the premise that you have to push past the pain to succeed, and this is true in either scenario (repair of your marriage or divorce).

You also said: "We (myself and children) will never be a priority to him, his job and career will always come first. He keeps telling me that it is only going to get worse after he finishes school and goes into practice in a firm. There he will meet other woman, and I don’t think I can go through another emotional roller coaster like this. "

The trick is to fix all of this now, so that if your marriage does weather the storm, he won't care about the other women at the law firm or be so content to lose himself in his work. In other words, if you and he had a loving, fulfilling, whole relationship, he wouldn't need all these distractions that he uses now to keep him away from the relationship or the family!

Something I had to learn (and I learned this at an awesome marriage confernece we went to in Nashville administered by Joe Beam of Family Dynamics) is there is a love paradigm. It looks like this:
independent-----attraction---disclosure---love
***---balanced relationship---***
--needy, clingy--- desperateattraction---total dependence

The premise is, you start out as a whole, independent person (thus, the independent mode). You are doing your own thing, have your own hopes and dreams in life, getting along just fine, when wammo, you encounter a man that sparks your interest. You move to attraction. Maybe you are attracted to his looks, sense of humor, intelligence, his dreams for the future, whatever. The more you like each other, the more you disclose secret, intimate details about yourself. Maybe you share little facts about your childhood, your own dreams for the future. Maybe you share horrifying traumas of your past. But the bottom line is, as your both share the hidden secrets of your hearts, you feel accepted, are making big time deposits, and walla---you are in love. As the relationship grows, you are in a balanced love relationship...where you still have your defined sense of self, but at the same time, have a real sense of interdependance in your mate.

The other side of the spectrum past that is where it gets tricky. They you love that person so much, and due to your own insecurities, baggage, whatever, you just love them so much you start to lose yourself. What you want, dream of, hope for, believe in, who you are starts to fade away. You are clingy and needy. You basically rely on your partner to meet every single emotional need you have, because you have stopped looking to others or yourself to meet your needs. You are desperate to have your mate meet your needs, understand you, connect with you, and when they can't possibly deliver (no one can possibly perfecting meet ALL our needs, but Christ Jesus) it get worse. You are plain mad. What about me? I'm hurting? MEET MY NEEDS! The LBing starts, BIG TIME. And the Taker takes over, you are in utter dependence mode, and you and your spouse are utter miserable. You can't hold on tight enough, and he can't get away fast enough.

I was in dependence mode. I didn't mean to be that way, but I was. And my husband just couldn't deliver. And that, quite honestly, pissed me off. I was so, so, so mad. I would just blast and shred him...but it was really because I was hurting. But I didn't know why. I thought I was supposed to immerse myself in this marriage. All of myself.

This same process happens in an affair. My husband had so pulled out of the marriage, he was in independence mode. He met this woman, and was attracted to her in some way (who the hell knows how...she is NOT attractive). And then he started "confiding" in her about the pain he was in with our marriage. And she starting "sharing" details about her past, and accepting him. And they formed a bond, an intimacy. And the rest is history.

So, where does that leave me???????

I had to realize:
1.) I needed to take myself out of dependency...period. The only one who can possibly love me with that degree of abadon, meet all my needs like that, and address and rise to the challenge of all my insecurities is God Almighty (so I buried, buried myself in His arms, and stepped up my spiritual walk).

2.) The key to falling into a balanced relationship is to move all the way back over to Independence again. Your husband doesn't want the clingy, weepy, crying, desperate women he sees now in you (and it really sucks, because, darn it, that is how you are feeling, you are utterly devestated...but you gotta, gotta, gotta hide it when you are around him). I had to sit down and think about what I want. What are MY goals, dreams, responsibilities, talents, WHO AM I. WHO AM I WITHOUT THIS MAN EVEN ENTERING THE EQUATION???????? Once I could figure that out, be proud of it, and STAND on it, I could get past the grief and keep my chin up. It will be that confident, driven, active, INDEPENDENT woman that will catch his eye again (after all, it was the you that was pre-him that caught his interest in the first place). Work out, do your hair and make up. go pick out some new clothes, take a art class during the day, get more involved in your church, take your kids volunteering with you, whatever, just get moving back to Independence. Then he might see the real you again, and remember why he fell in love with you, and realize that it is not worth the risk he is taking. And you will reclaim yourself (something you need whether you are going to stay married to this man or not...because you need a balanced love in your life and a real sense of yourself regardless of the outcome). And you will be teaching a valuable lesson to your children. Be kind. Be gentle. Love others. Turn to God to fill all your deepest needs and weather the toughest storms. And be true to the person He made you to be.

I know you are tired and hurt. So am I. I am so, so, tired. And I am really hurting today (my H is getting the rest of the things and officially "out" for good today). And I laid in bed this morning, just thinking of how empty my life will be without him around. And my 9 year old S is hurting so bad (he even has skin lesions popping up all over his body because of the nerves). He is clingy and scared and mad and hurt and the whole thing. And so, I am even more tired. That is when I realize I need to rest in God's embrace, kepp on keeping on, and stick to the hard work of healing myself and my family, because no matter what, it will pay off in the end! I'll be whole and Independent for by H, or whole and Independent for my children, and maybe, worse case, whole and independent, healed, and ready for someone else.

Christy,

You post is so amazing. I guess that is how I fall in this trap, from independetn to dependent. I need to get out of here and find myself.

I am well educated, and have a good job. But I put so much emphasis in my family and H. Now he is having a H. I felt that my whole life is shattered. But I know that it is not true. After reading your post, I feel so encouraged. I need to be independent again, for my children and myself.

I have to pretend that he is gone, that is just what H's cosin told me. She is a amzing woman. She also told me that life is like a song, it has its high and low pitches. If it only has one note, no one would like that song. You are coming to the low pitch now, but it won't last forever. Let's stand strong with the help of GOD, and get out of this low.

You go Christy. That was a great post and so true. I hope everyone will read it.

Lostnhurt:

I can totally identify with you. I am an educated, successful business woman as well. And I would be at work, just pounding away, because I knew, without a doubt, no matter what, that my husband and family were a fail safe that would never, ever, ever break. And as I mentioned, I put a lot of pressure on my marriage and on my husband to meet all my needs. I put him in charge of the maintenance of my heart. And in my opinion, he needed some major coaching, because he was not performing (never mind that I never really clearly understood what I needed...that was for him to figure out). And let's not mention again what penalty I dolled out when the task was not done correctly...I would totally blast him.

THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE THE HORRIFYING BETRAYAL OF OUR MARRIAGE THAT HE COMMITTED! It just doesn't! Period.

But for me, I was so disrespectful for so long, and my husband was silent about it (but really silently wounded and hurting), that I took for granted that that was our dynamic. That worked for us, I thought! Man I was wrong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And the funny thing is, respect seemed to be the biggest need for him..and I was like, "What does respect have to do with it." or "You have to earn respect, buddy."

But something I learned from loveandrespect.com (GREAT RESOURCE, I really encourage everyone to check it out), is that men need respect like women need love. That is not to say that women don't need respect and men don't need love, but it is not their primary need.

So my saying "You are an idiot. You can never meet my needs. What is your deal?I have lost all respect for you...But you know I love you, right?" This would hit him in his heart like if he said to me "I don't love you, I never did, I don't even think we could ever be in love again if we tried...but you know I respect you right?"

Ask 100 men and ask them if they would rather their professional colleagues respect them or love them, and they will choose respect. And even us professional women, while we crave respect and accomplishment, we do tend to be acutely hurt when someone doesn't like us (that is the whole "love" thing for us).

I love this site and all I have learned in my short time on here! I can't wait to keep growing and learning! We can all learn from each other and pick ourselves up! :-)

Christy,

You are so strong. I really admire you. I am still in the low mood. Everyday my mood will swing to low. I could hardly perform my regular task. I have tokeep telling myself. You don't have to feel this way. So what, you are going to divorce. But the feeling of torn apart just keep coming. I wish I can be angry, angry to him. So I can get out of this hurt feeling. Christy, you are strong.

I just wanted to tell you all that I have read all your posts and have really appreciated what you've had to say. I'm in a similar situation and I am basically in Plan B right now. It's so good to see that other women are staying strong and making it through - it gives me hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is 24 hours since I last saw him...this really sucks!

My son wanted to call him, and inside, it really made me mad (it is like I want my children to be in Plan B too). I was irritated because my S took the phone, went in the bathroom, and called WH, and it was like he was sneaking around or something. So I went in there to find him, and discovered he was on the phone. So I asked him to get off the phone. This made WH mad, so he called me back and asked that I not restrict my S's use of the phone. WH was right, just the whole thing struck a funny nerve in me (I guess I am WAY past tired of the whole sneaking around bit, so I overreacted). I acknowledged that I was wrong to do that, and apologized. I then hung up, and a few minutes later asked my S to call him back and spend some more time on the phone.

My WH seems happy now. Over the move, he was moping, and sad, and teary eyed, so I guess I had an inflated sense of hope that this would work out, and he would wake up out of the fog quickly. It sucks to hear him so happy.

Advice?

Christy, You are a strong woman. You are doing fine. Hang in there.