Hello everyone:
Well, here is my voluminous letter. I have taken the personal names out to protect the un-innocent.
I got no advice from anyone on this board about wording, etc., but will be mailing it tomorrow before 11:00 a.m. Pacific time. I have sought advice from other people I know, and have made what I consider are best efforts to strike a balance between fact, firmness, love, and transparency.
Whether this is classified as a "good" letter on not doesn't really matter. I will feel a huge weight off my shoulders when I drop it in the mailbox in the morning. I doubt things could get much worse than they presently are.
An official Plan B letter is also in the works.
Thanks,
Shaken
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Dear MIL:
I have struggled with the thought of writing you a letter for a long time. Whenever I wanted to, I put aside my feelings, thinking that I should not involve you in our marriage problems even if you are WS’s mother. I know that WS especially needs you now and I don’t deny her pain and everything that must be going through her head. I am sure you have enough burdens without having to digest something from me. Nonetheless, given that WS’s and my marriage looks like it’s over, I feel compelled to write to you for the closure it might bring. In writing you now, I am struggling with what to say and how to say it.
It is important to set the record straight, because WS might have told you the worst, as it is normal that a spouse who feels trapped in a marriage and will do anything to get out often re-writes history or paints a compellingly-negative picture of the other spouse and/or the relationship. This is a coping mechanism and a way to justify certain behaviours. This is the reason abandoned spouses often hear one or more of the following: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, “I never really loved you”, “we got married for the wrong reasons”, etc. If I can be made out to be an abusive husband who never let WS grow into the person she wants to become, an uncontrollable, stressed out father who scares his children, and a bad lover to boot, then there is little I can do to change that perception. In this instance, the truth will not really matter, because you and WS are flesh and blood and I am just someone who is inconveniencing WS's life and lifestyle because I am her husband and the father of our children.
I am writing to you because I have not been privy to what you and WS have shared for quite a while and, frankly, I am not sure what WS has and has not told you. What I can tell you is that WS has been less-than-honest with me and others, hiding just about every aspect of her life, and not being truthful when confronted. Therefore, I am going under the assumption that WS may not be sharing the full picture with you, putting you at a disadvantage in being able to provide her with a level of comfort, encouragement and wisdom she needs from her mother.
This is difficult to say, and I have shed many tears over it, but I believe you must know that WS is involved in an extra-marital relationship. I denied it for as long as I could, even in the face of mounting evidence and the advice I received from people who, with me, saw the signs and told me point blank to get out of my state of denial and face the truth. I repeatedly said no. Even though WS was tearing my heart out, I refused to believe anything that did not paint her in a positive light. Since August, I repeatedly made excuses for what I saw, for what WS said to me, what she said to other people and our children, and the attitude she displayed. I saw WS as a hurting woman who I had not taken the time to really understand or study. In the face of everything, I convinced and blamed myself that somehow WS's pain is my fault and that I had failed because it turns out I can’t be her saviour. I fought against anyone, including my family, who thought otherwise. I am ashamed about the part I played in driving WS away from our marriage. I acknowledge my words often cut into WS and hurt her. I acknowledge my argumentative nature. I acknowledge that I was somewhat controlling, particularly about money, and have a stressful personality. For these things I take full responsibility. I doubt I will ever live this down; it will remain on my conscience.
In the midst of all this denial, I said there is no way my wife, a woman who made a commitment to me before God and so many friends and family on that beautiful morning of May 18, 1991, a person who knows the difference between right and wrong, could ever have an affair. I denied it until I was blue in the face – that is, until I could no longer ignore the evidence.
Even after moving out of our home on July 24th, I came home every Friday night for three months to stay the night with the children so their mother could go dancing at nightclubs. I became an enabler in order not to be a controller. I can’t tell you how many Friday nights I put the kids to bed and cried and cried after seeing my wife dressed to kill, heavy with the scent of perfume, leaving her family and never knowing when she would return and who she would spend the night with. This was no longer a 3-4 time per year outing with a girlfriend. Nightclubbing has become a lifestyle choice for WS, and one she has not tired from.
As you might know, WS has transformed her self and her life in many ways since last summer. None of these things on their own point to an affair, of course, but added up over a period of time, and coupled with evidence below, there is no doubt that WS is unfaithful to me and has broken her vows to God. Let’s look at the facts since July 2003:
? On July 18th, WS and her friend went to town for Salsa dancing and did not return home until 8:30 a.m. I thought something had happened to WS and confronted her, finding out they stayed at the home of a man her friend had met.
? Total emphasis on weight-loss, exercise, appearance, hairstyle and image
? New wardrobe, some of it very provocative
? No wedding ring on her finger, but replaced with toe rings, and other rings
? Dancing at nightclubs on a weekly basis, often all night
? I have found men’s names and numbers written on paper, business cards, etc
? No attendance at church and a disavowal of most Christian friends and contacts
? Near-complete rejection of old friends and family (the ones who really care)
? Secretive lifestyle
? Habitual dishonesty and half-truths
? Utter disregard for me in every possible way, except as a funding source.
On January 4th, while taking some remaining clothes out of the closet in what used to be our bedroom, I noticed a filled-prescription sheet for WS lying open on the dresser. At that time, I found out that WS has been taking quarterly injections of a contraceptive called Medroxyprogesterone Acet. Her first injection was on November 18th, and her most recent injection was February 18th. I have done some research on this contraceptive, as well as asking a physician friend of mine, and can tell you it is only used for birth control or for therapeutic reasons related to advanced endometriosis or uterine cancer. There is no other purpose for this drug. None. Even after finding out about this drug, I denied that WS could possibly be sleeping with another man, fooling myself into thinking she must be on this drug to regulate her menstrual flow or for hormonal reasons.
I mentioned nothing to WS for weeks, but grew more depressed and anxious every day. I lost thirty pounds because I couldn’t eat and spent most evenings sitting in my pseudo-borrowed-home contemplating the dissolution of my marriage and playing the blues on the stereo. I haven’t had a date with anyone but WS in 14 years though the chance regularly presents itself. The thought has never occurred to me that I have a right to betray WS just because we aren’t living together.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago, after giving my head a shake and snapping out of my complacency, that I confronted her on the telephone. Having no choice, WS admitted being on the contraceptive because in her words “I am interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with someone, I am doing nothing wrong, and our marriage is over”. However, she emphatically denied being in a sexual relationship at that time. While this was difficult enough for me to swallow, I acknowledged that, for WS, our marriage is finished and she no longer considers us married. Toward the end of the conversation I said “WS, if you no longer consider yourself married you better do something about it, because God considers us married”. I told her that she would have been honourable if she had been honest with me from the outset by telling me point-blank she wants a divorce, and that she plans on sleeping with other men. She did neither. What hurts the most is WS’s lack of regret or remorse about what she is doing and, furthermore, that she feels right with God even in carrying on in this way. I am not proud of how I told WS off, and it was not one of my finer moments, but I told her she is blind and deceived and that she should be ashamed of herself.
For obvious reasons, WS and I have not had much to say to each other since that encounter, except where we must relay information relating to our children or finances. I’ve had neither the energy, the emotional strength, nor inclination to do so. However, I need to tell you about events that occurred on Valentine’s weekend and just this past Friday night.
On Valentine’s weekend I looked after the children as usual. WS had indicated to me that she would not be at soccer because she wanted what she termed “a me weekend”. Thinking nothing of it, I agreed that she might want some time off and proceeded to take the kids to their soccer games, etc. WS had told me to tell the children that, while she would not be home Sunday evening before they got to bed, she would be home for them by the time they woke up for school Monday morning. WS never showed up, but instead spent the entire night of February 15th sleeping at her girlfriend’s house while her friend stayed with our children in our home. The next morning, my sister went over to WS girlfriend’s home to pick up friend's daughter for school and noticed our van in the driveway. She knocked on the door to see if she was there and there was no answer, though she heard a banging inside. Sister thought nothing of it and proceeded to take her children to school and only after arriving at school remembered that she had also seen a dark grey late-model Honda Accord ( licence *** ***) next to my vehicle in the driveway. I confronted WS about this vehicle when we discussed the contraceptives and WS emphatically denied knowing whose vehicle it is, insisting she was staying overnight at friend’s home alone. This vehicle has never been at friend’s house before.
Son1 was distraught at school that Monday morning because his mother had never showed up at home. He was in tears and told his cousin that he wanted to call me. Fortunately, sister was there to comfort him.
This past weekend (March 13th), WS surprised me by asking me to pick the children up at home Friday night because she was not planning to come downtown to go dancing. This sent up red flags in my mind because Friday night dancing has become a ritualistic lifestyle choice for WS since July 18th. I was sceptical about WSs motives, especially since I have to make special arrangements to borrow vehicles for weekends and picking the children up is an inconvenience, even though I would move mountains to spend time with them. Anyway, that night sister drove past our home at 9:30 p.m. and saw the very same Honda Accord parked directly across the street from our home. She checked the licence plate and it matched. The next morning, I regret doing this, but I had to see the car for myself, so I drove home with the kids in tow and noticed the vehicle there. Not wanting to subject my children to WS and another man in our home together, I wisely decided not to go into the house but instead left a business card under the wiper blades of the Honda Accord. I wrote on the back of the card “I KNOW!”. Then I drove off to take the children to soccer.
That afternoon WS called and left a message for the children when we were out on a hike. Her message said that she didn’t come to soccer because she had been throwing up all night. She made a point of repeating that message Sunday night at Son2's birthday party, just to make sure I heard her excuse for not being at soccer on Saturday. WS would never have missed one soccer game any other year. This year, it’s as if she no longer cares about our children, though she always has someone else’s children in tow.
I have learned one important lesson from WS the past 18 months. This is that the opposite of love is not hate, rather indifference. It is simply not caring enough to muster up the energy to even think about someone because that person is not worth it. WS does not care about me any longer, and this has been blatant in her dealings with me for at least one-and-a-half years. What particularly saddens me is how WS has discarded my family. She has thrown them into the dustbin of history like they never mattered or existed. Sister was WS’s best friend (her sister) for 15 years. They attended the births of each other’s children. They did everything together. They shared their dreams and their hopes on a regular basis. They regularly looked after each other’s children. They were an intricate part of each other’s lives. WS has nothing to say to sister anymore. Oh, sure they bump into each other at the store or at school on occasion, and then struggle to say “hi, how are you?” as if they even want to know the answer. Sister has done nothing but love WS unconditionally, and she is forced to reap the result of WS’s attitude toward me. My dear mother is grieving as if a death has occurred.
The irony of it all is how WS told me how she married me mainly because of my family. I never thought I would say that I am glad to be without a father, but I am, because it would break his heart if he was still around to witness how the lovely, caring WS he knew has transformed herself into a person none of us recognize. It’s as if some alien has stolen her body and replaced her with some spirit from the underworld. My dad, in fact both my parents, loved WS as a true daughter. She was never a daughter-in-law; she was one of us, part of the family. You know, I really started to notice a change in WS three years ago when we lost dad. It was if a big reason for her to keep up the marriage was now out of the way.
MIL, you need to know that I took the decision to separate with a tremendous degree of trepidation, in doing so realizing that I could no longer function living in a home with a person who made the conscious decision she wanted nothing to do with me and made it clear I had to leave my home. I moved out of the house because I had no life with WS, I slept on the living room couch for 9 months, and was an emasculated wreck and a spineless wimp in her presence. No wonder WS has no respect for me.
I did everything humanly possible to attempt to fix the marriage, including marriage counselling, hours and hours on my knees in prayer, voluminous reading of marriage and relationship books and websites (this time absorbing everything like it was gospel and determined to practice what I had found out), involving the elders at our church, doing everything WS asked, asking her to share things with me an communicate, etc. It was my hope that by staying in the family home from October 2002 to July 2003 our relationship would somehow improve or by some miracle WS’s heart would soften toward me. This never happened. It only became worse.
You need to know that there has never been any abuse. There has never been any alcohol addiction, gambling, or violence. There has never been any infidelity on my part. There has never been a squandering of income on questionable things. In short, we have experienced nothing in our marriage that has not been experienced by most other married couples. The only difference is, in our marriage, the primary issue is that one of the persons does not and will not love the other. It is a conscious decision. Yes, there have been stressors, there have been communication problems, there have been listening problems, and WS has been repeatedly hurt by my words. Of particular concern to WS has been her real perception that I have been hurtful to the children, particularly Son2. When WS feels the children are threatened in any way, it is seen as an attack on her. In this way, as much as I have never meant to harm the children with my words and actions, I have attacked WS’s well-being in this way and have sought forgiveness. She has never forgiven.
WS has closed her heart to me and has completely withdrawn emotionally. She refuses to open up or give me something to work with. She tells everyone, including our precious children, that I am never moving back home and the marriage is over. Love is a decision, not a feeling, and WS has made the conscious decision not to make the slightest attempt to repair the relationship. WS has heard all the advice from the church leadership, from friends and family, and others, but ignores it all. She has received letters and phone calls but ignores them all. There is a hardness in WS that nobody understands and a fog that surrounds her every time I see her.
I no longer pray for a miracle in our marriage because WS doesn’t want one. In fact, I not sure I want one anymore. WS got angry at me for praying with the kids that we would reconcile and be a family again. She has told me repeatedly that “if God works a miracle in my heart maybe we’ll get back together in twenty years”, but she refuses to let God’s Holy Spirit work in her life.
WS will not allow me to meet her emotional needs. Having closed her heart, WS is attempting to have her emotional needs met by children. Our former counsellor has told us that our children will end up resenting the parent who places undue emotional expectations on them. Speaking of the children, they are emotional wrecks. Son1 never opens up and suffers his pain silently. He is hurting by a decision his mother has made, and she can’t see it. Son2 is lashing out in anger, regularly hurting Daughter1 and screaming at the top of his lungs. I ask him why he is acting up and his answer is always the same: “because you and mommy aren’t together anymore”. Never a week goes by where Son2, who is supposedly the reason I had to move away in the first place, does not ask to come live with me. Daughter1 is very insecure and always asks me hard questions that I should not have to answer. Three weeks ago the question was “daddy, why is life so unfair?” I asked her what she meant, and she said it is unfair that “you and mommy don’t live in the same house”. A seven year old should never have to ask that question. And Daughter2, what can I say except that for months I have been unable to go out of the room – even to the bathroom – without her following me, wondering all along if I’ll abandon her. I love my children with every ounce of my being, yet there is nothing I can do to save them from this horrible series of decisions their mother is making.
WSs actions over the Valentine’s weekend, as well as last weekend, have made me re-think my view that she really cares for our children. Her reckless and careless actions last weekend were the last straw. To bring a man into my home (one I continue to pay for), into our marital bedroom, and onto the bed we bought with gift money from my parents, is unconscionable. To allow the possibility that our children could be exposed to this is horrible and, for some, unforgivable.
I can come to no conclusion other than WS has no interest or capacity to make even minimal efforts to treat me as well as she would a simple stranger on the street. I am an overly-generous provider and an excellent father, yet I will not have a home to live in after April 15th because WS refuses to sell our home so I can pay off the marital debts. But you can be certain I will never abandon my children and believe that separation, not to mention divorce, is a copout, creating nothing but new victims. In the face of all this, WS said to me in January that she now thinks your divorce from your first husband was a good thing for her and did her good. I fail to see how this is the case.
I don’t expect you to respond to this letter, MIL. There really is nothing you can say. I wrote this letter because I need closure with your family so I can emotionally heal, and to force an awareness of the truth. WS seems to think that, no matter what happens, we can always pretend to be a family. I wish it were true. However, the truth is that someday WS's place around my family’s table will, God willing, be taken by someone else, someone who has the desire, the will and the capacity to accept all the love I know I can offer. I’m sorry WS is not that person.
In my heart you will always be my mother-in-law, and ******* will always be my father-in-law. I have never had a bad encounter with either of you. You have been loving, kind and generous and it is always pure pleasure spending time with you. Having said this, for 12 years I saw first-hand the result of WS spending her adult life struggling to answer questions about your split with first husband, the real reasons for her stay at the ******** Institute, and the painful and devastating fallout from the lack of a central father figure in her life. I trust you have or will talk to WS about these important things so she can find some peace.
I really want WS to be happy. If this can’t occur with me, then I hope she will be able to have a loving, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship with someone else. However, until she deals with her own issues head on, and stops seeking affirmation and attention through extra-marital relations, this will never happen.
This has probably been a difficult letter for you to read. Whether you believe me or not is not that important to me, though I hope you know me well enough to be certain I am not a liar. I love you from the bottom of my heart and am sorry things have ended up as they have.
