Gentlepeople,
I am new on this discussion board. I’ve been posting (barely twice) on the divorce/divorcing board.
My H of 28 years moved out 14 months ago. He moved into an apartment with our 10yo DS. He has him during the week and I get him on weekends during the school year. During the summer we reverse the schedule.
On New Year’s Eve (during the day), H told me he wanted a divorce. I told him we needed to talk more about it. I was to pick up my son that night but DS called and said he wanted to spend the night at H’s. I spent New Year’s alone. (As a matter of fact that was the night I discovered MB. And I’ve been reading ever since!)
My H dropped off DS the next day in the evening, after having gone to a New Year’s Day party. DS came in asking all kinds of questions about ‘Belle’. Belle is a woman that H used to play with in a band, her husband being the bandleader. I had heard that Belle and my husband had ‘reunited’ at a mutual friend’s funeral. I had also heard that she had taken DS and her son to the pool and the park during the summer. Well it turns out that DS was tired of having her around. She had been at his dad’s house for New Year’s with her son and her son’s friend. Then decided to spend the night.
He told me he slept in the hallway to make sure that his dad slept on the couch. She also was at the party that H had taken his family (mother, nephew and his family, our 20yo and 10yo DSS) to. (This is a brand new terrain for her.) I called H immediately and told him that I did not think that my son needed to be worried about this situation. He said ok and I never heard about it again.
Last Wednesday it was my 10yo’s BD. He had a small family gathering at his dad’s. I was there and it was very pleasant. On Saturday I called H and told him my DS and I would be going by to pick up a birthday outfit for him to wear to a play we were going to. When we walked in ‘Belle’, the OW, was there. DS and I were stunned. We completely ignored her. When we got to the car, he said, "Now I know why dad always gives me something from her when I get back from your house. She leaves it here!" (This was news to me.)
I’ve talked to my 20yo DS since Saturday. He said that I should talk to H one more time and then move on with my life. (Plan A! He's a genius!) I reflecting on my separation so far. I have not really LBd. H ahs plenty. I've been more calm and trying to be nice. (Plan A. I'm a genius! LOL)
But it has been 14 months.
I started Plan A for sure today (I think). Except I’ve not confronted either H or OW yet. I told H we needed to talk and we will on Thursday. I did tell MIL and nephew about A. I just spoke to OW’s XH. He and H use to be very good friends. He even gave me OW’s phone number.
Am I doing the right thing? I need help. Please respond.

I am not an expert on this. But i know how eager you want someone's opinion. We are all here to help each other. Hang in there, experts will come in.

lostnhurt,
Thanks, for your reply. I didn't sleep well last night afraid of H's reaction when he finds out I spoke to OW's H. I do love H and I want to rebuild our M.

I did the same thing as you did. He is outrageous. But things are ok.

I think it might be time for Plan B. Work on yourself and take care of you. Also try to reassure your son that it is not his battle. It concerns me that he feels he has to be sure they don't sleep together.

LostnHurt & Believer,
Thanks for responding.
I am concerned about my son also. I start counseling tomorrow again after a month off ($$ has been tight). My DS will start attending in a couple of weeks.
I spoke to H tonite. I had called DS to find out how he did on the standardized test school children are taking in my state. H said he needed to talk to me. He said that he had spoken to a lawyer. He would pay for the divorce if I wouldn't contest it. I said we need to talk and we left it for this Thursday.
What do you guys think? I'm willing to work on our relationship, but so far I'm the only one interested in this.
Awaiting your response.

LostnHurt & Believer,
Thanks for responding.
I am concerned about my son also. I start counseling tomorrow again after a month off ($$ has been tight). My DS will start attending in a couple of weeks.
I spoke to H tonite. I had called DS to find out how he did on the standardized test school children are taking in my state. H said he needed to talk to me. He said that he had spoken to a lawyer. He would pay for the divorce if I wouldn't contest it. I said we need to talk and we left it for this Thursday.
What do you guys think? I'm willing to work on our relationship, but so far I'm the only one interested in this.
Awaiting your response.

Did he file paper yet? I will say stay put and see what kind of action he will have. Mean while no LB,s.

He has not filed yet. We are to talk on Thursday.
Originally I had set up this date to talk to him about me over the past 14 months and to talk about his A.
I still want to talk to him about us. I want to work on our relationship.

Here are some quotes from the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson
Obviously, it would be better to read the whole thing, but I think that this little bit should be helpful in confirming the things we've been talking about. I know that I often think about these statements and they are very helpful to me.

"...a rejected man or woman often reacts in ways that make matters worse. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, including his rescuer, the panic-stricken lover typically tries to grab and hold the one who is trying to escape. I have witnessed the scenario a thousand times. Supercharged emotions zip up and down a roller coaster of extremes." p.24
"Though I understand the complsion that drives Faye to plead for Joe's attention and love, she is systematically destroying the last glimmer of hope for reconciliation. She has stripped herself of all dignity and self-respect, crawling on her belly like a subservient puppy before her master. The more Joe insults her and spurns her advances, the more intensely she seems to want and need him. That is, in fact, the way the system works. The message Faye is giving her husband can be summarized thus, 'Oh Joe, I need you so badly. I can't make it without you. I spend my days waiting for you to call and I'm, crushed when the phone doesen't ring. Won't you please, please let me talk to you occasionally? You see, Joe, I'll take you any way I can have you, even if you want to walk all over me. I am desperate here without you.'
Linda and Faye have brought us now to an extremely important and well-known principle of human relationships: panic often leads to appeasement, which is virtually never succesful in seeking to control the behavior of others. In fact it often leads directly to war..." p.27,27

"It has been my observation that the lust for forbidden fruit is often incidental to the real cause of marital decay. Long before any decision id made to fool around or walk out on a partner, something basic has begun to change in the relationship...the critical element is the way one spouse begins to percieve the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occuring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That's the heyword, trapped." p.36

"We return now to the question with which we began: What can be done to preserve these marriages...? The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, hand-wringing, and playing the role of the doormat are equally as destructive...To the reader desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm, encourage him or her...Could you imagine what would have happened (if you had done that)...it is very difficult to love someone romantically and pity him or her at the same time...(these tactics) are only increasing the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping."

There are 3 reactions Dobson says are the most common when the BS lets go:

"1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and the relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindles, but the strain between the two partners is often eased."
"2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After having wondered for weeks or months, 'How can I get out of this mess?' He now asks, 'Do I really want to go?' Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home."
"3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse, but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he feels better - somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself and receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he has a plan - a program - a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experienciong the utter despair of powerlessness that he felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins."

Oh boy, I am SO sorry! I don't know how I did it, but I accidentally posted this in the wrong thread!!
Sorry!!!!!!!!!11

fhl04,
Though Love indeed.
It resonates with my situation.
Thanks for the lead.

I read faith's thread on another post and then came to this one to read what she posted on tough love. Just FYI, it seems that the book by Dr. James Dobson "love is tough" or something like that is acutally out of print. I was able to order a used copy for less than $10 from amazon but haven't received it yet.

We had the talk last night. It was one of the saddest nights of my life. H does not want to work on relationship. He says we failed in our relationship and should put it to death. He does not want me to know his business. (I actually know that OW started calling her old boyfriend again and that he is doing everything in his power to get her back, but I didn’t tell H.) Anything I said he judged and criticized. He wants his instruments, any family photos, and some artwork. He’ll sign over titles to 2 old cars, a quitclaims on the house, but wants me to pay all the credit card debt. And not to take 10yo DS from him. He always wants him during the week and we’ll share the summer. (Basically the same schedule that OW has with her 10yo S.
He asked me what I wanted and I said I wasn’t ready for a D. I wanted to work on the relationship. I think a big LB for us is dishonesty. He says he was passive for the 28 years we were together. (He was actually verbally and emotionally abusive and independent.) I was to have been passive-aggressive (I was actually withdrawn from the angry outbursts.) I was sent a post on ‘tough love’ and if I have to want to leave this relationship, let it be with some dignity.
He is desperate enough to agree to attend couples counseling to terminate the relationship. We will always be in a relationship because of the children and I want it to be as honest as possible.
Advise needed.

We had another talk a week later. I was telling H the analogy to the rooms in the house as to how he had kept me out of so many rooms and H exploded. He said he refused to sit and hear as to how I was a victim. I let him have his say and then tried to continue, but he burst out again. I finally dropped the analogy and told him again that I didn’t want a divorce, but was willing to go through with it if he agreed to sit down with a counselor and talk about our 10yo son. Son is really being affected by the separation. I said I had made an appointment with my counselor for the 31st of this month. H answers that he will talk to anyone about our son, because he is concerned about him. But not to try to change him, he is beyond repair.
This past Saturday I went to hear him play. The lead singer in the band made a big deal about me being there. During the break, H came up to me and touched my back to get my attention (First physical contact in 18 months..). He asked how I was and kept going.
However, today when he picked up DS he barely looked at me.
What’s going on? …if anything?