I'll try to keep this brief.

I thought my WW was acting funny towards the end of Jan. this year. Feb. 18th I found out she was having a PA. She came home on Feb. 10 saying she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I confronted her about it (I copied some e-mails I found and got all I needed) we had a big blowout and she said she wanted to move out by March 1st and get a divorce.

We have been together 12 years and have 4 kids. I told her that wasn't an option for her right now. She wasn't capable of making that type of decision with all that was going on in her head. She has confided in her cousin about this and the cousin thinks she is nuts. Now she is avoiding the cousin because she won't say what the WW wants to hear.

On Feb. 18th I told her to end the PA/EA and stay home, we can work it out. There is too much at stake to throw it all away on sex. The OM is married with 3 kids of his own so it is a double tragedy as far as I am concerned.

2 days later the WW came home and said it was finished, she never wants to see,hear, or speak to the OM again. While this as taking place I found out the OM's home phone,name, address and e-mail account. From the 18th of Feb. until yesterday I have been sending him e-mails telling him to end it before I have to talk with his wife about his evenings away from home. I still may for her sake, I don't want her to get the hammer-blow to the head like I did, but that is for the future because right now I just want to fix my house.

The WW has been depressed and sometimes cold, other times very chatty with me since then. I bought the book from here "Surviving the Affair" to see what I could do to effectively remake our marriage. It has helped me greatly as far as my personal life is concerned, whatever happens, I am a changed man.

Anyway, last night (March 1st) I asked my WW about the OM, I asked if it was truly over and said that we could not work on our marriage if she was in contact with him in any way, WW said she hasn't and has no desire to in any case. I want to believe her but so much distrust has creeped into me it is difficult to trust her at all. The thing that is bothering me is she won't read any of the material I have researched. WW says "I don't need anyone telling me what to do (she is refering to the books and letters)" I told her "It's just words, do with them what you will, read them and learn, read them and discard them but you aren't any worse off for reading them". I have told WW that I do not want our old relationship back, I want a new one that is based on Honesty etc...(enter MB Principles here)

I have written her many letters telling her what outcome I expect. That we build a better marriage than we ever had before. The WW and I are classic Conflict Avoiders so I told her that we couldn't go back to the old ways or one of us will have an affair in the future. I also told her what to expect if we divorce(we are both children of multiple divorces)

BTW, WW also apologized for the mess and is completely ashamed, guilty, and on and on.

So this is a little more long-winded than I planned but here is the issue.....

The WW keeps saying she doesn't have a clue how I can love her, How I can feel the way I do, and how I can see a good end to this. She thinks she is an ugly person inside and out(she is a stunning 5'9" thin, blonde haired, blue-eyed bombshell) a terrible mother, an awful wife, immorally and emotionally incapable of caring for our children, While I am a great Dad, and on and on.....

Here is the thing, when she told me she wanted out, WW took off her wedding ring, engagement ring and any jewelry I bought her. WW still hasn't put them back on. I haven't said anything yet but WW is still (as of last night) saying she doesn't know if it will work. She really isn't trying because she is so down on herself. I just don't want her to have a self-fulfilling prophesy by not working and forcing herself to leave because she isn't working on our marriage.

What can I do to help her see right now? WW says she still loves me but she can't see how things will work out. I do and have been working my butt off following Dr. Harley's advise. It is very difficult for me and I really need her to say something to the effect that she is in or at least show it.

HELP!!!!
EMERGENCY ADVISE NEEDED!!!!

From what I read, I think that she maybe in withdraw. That is said in SAA. I think you are in very good position already. Just be patient, this may take up to six weeks. Just be nice, don't push.

It is just my opinion. I am a BW, my H still doesn't admit his A. That is worse than you are already. But we all hang in here to do our best. More experts will come on board. Good luck,

Thanks Lostnhurt.....

I feel better just getting it off my chest, doesn't solve the problem but at least I got it out.

I know it takes time and real friggin' courage to get through this part. I'm just getting worried that I may not be strong enough to endure the next however many weeks without some sign from her.

I wish the WW would just read page 74 or 75 (can't remember right now) I turned the page down and asked her to read it. It covers withdrawal, I think she would feel alot better if she knew she wasn't alone or these feelings are unique to her and that they will end.

Does anyone know what to look for when it comes to ending or how to tell when to move forward? Anything I can say or do to comfort her? I am already doing all the housework and childcare, being pleasant and upbeat, avoiding LB's(remarkably well) allowing her to sit in the fetal position in bed and think. Told her I'm here whenever she is ready or if she needs someone to yell at,talk to or whatever.

I don't know what else to do and it's eating me up inside.

BrokenHubby

BrokenHubby, I agree you are actually in pretty good shape. The NC is the key. The wedding ring is minor at this point. Just be patient and keep re-assuring her that you're in it for the long haul. Tell her all the success stories from this board and just be as loving as you can be. You're going to be alright.

Thanks walkingoneggs.....

Maybe I just needed someone to tell me it will be OK.

So much doubt, so much confusion, so much pain...

I hold her hand after she falls asleep and pray for her and my kids. I guess I am hoping God will work through osmosis. Ya' never know.

BrokenHubby

You are doing fine. i really envy your W, she has a hubby who loves her so much. What else does she want. We all BW wanting our Hs back, but they are just like the lost sheep.

Fetal position in bed? Time to take her to the doctor for some anti-D's.

Fetal position hasn't happened for a few days...guess that is better.

lostnhurt...I don't know what else she needs.

I asked her today to make a list of things that she would like to see change....one list for things that have to change....one list for things that need work and one list for things that she is uncomfortable with but could live without changing.

It was my way of getting her to open up. She agreed and Sunday we are going to exchange lists and I convinced her to take the EN's questionaire..that was why I really wanted her to make her lists, so she could feel like she can vent and I can get her to take the EAQ.

I hope that isn't manipulation but it seemed to perk her up a bit. I also added that I didn't want to discuss our relationship until then. That took a load of pressure off her I could tell.

Thanks for the kind words folks, it has helped. I need this forum to keep my sanity right now.

BrokenHubby

Keep going, you are doing very very well.

I'm somewhat torn on this. I still think the OM's wife needs to know.

Here is why....

1) You want to make sure the OM is completely out of the picture. The best way to be sure of that is to make sure that not only you are keeping an eye on things but his wife is as well.

2) You want to make sure if this guy does this all the time then by exposing his behavior you might prevent another family from going through what yours is going through.

She may react negatively if she finds out but my thinking is if he truly has cut ties he will not contact her.

Even if he does then it should make it pretty clear for her that it is over not just on hold until she or he can sort things out.

Trust me, I DO want to tell the OM's spouse. I'm just torn as to whether I am doing it to help the OM's spouse or am I getting revenge?

The thought of telling the OM's spouse is extremely painful to me because she will be going through the same thing I am right now. It kills me to think I need to unleash this pain and suffering on her.

Last night was an interesting night, WW came home from work loaded for bear. WW was very angry and acted like a caged animal, she even cam to me and told me how she was feeling(a huge diference, normally she would have stewed on it and just been *****y and mean to everyone in the house)I thanked her for telling me and asked her if it would take some pressure off if I went and ran some errands to get out of her face for a little bit.

She begged me not to but I went anyway, I told her that I couldn't bear to be the cause of any of her suffering and if me stepping out for a bit helped at all it is worth it.

So I also suggested if she was still felling that way when I come back for her to go to her cousins house and chat for a bit (her cousin is my ally in this recovery, WW hasn't spoken to her for 2 weeks because cousin told her how irresponsible, stupid etc. my WW actions are) Her cousin and I have been talking and wants nothing more than to make WW see the light. BTW, cousin is a BS whose husband cheated on her at with at least 10 other women. It ended in divorce and cousin knows all too well the agony I'm in and the suffering WW is causing to me and WW.

Anyway, she went over when I got back and stayed for 3 hours. When WW got home she was feeling much better and apologized for acting the way she did and said she was sorry that I felt I needed to go out for awhile. She never meant it that way. We talked for about 30 minutes and when the conversation drifted off (it was late) I know the WW was about to ask me to come over and spoon with her. She moved over in bed in old familiar ways and kept starting to say something to me but never could get it out. I was dying to say something but I thought I needed her to actually ask.

Not that I was being stupid about it, or needing WW to ask but it seemed to me if she had to vocalize it maybe it would reach deeper into her and have more positive effcts on her thinking.

Actually made plans to paint the Living Room this weekend.

If WW spouse is receptive, I think I will initiate some contact this evening, something little and let her move from there. We still kiss every morning and evening but that is it.

Well, feeling better today even though I know there will be good and bad days but I have to relish the good moments right now or the bad ones will eat me alive.

Thanks for letting me vent folks, it's been a lifesaver.

BrokenHubby

I would have given a million bucks if the ow's spouse would have told me what was going on when my fwh's affair was happening!

You are doing her a favor by clueing her in on the mega problems in her marriage that her wh is hiding from her. Think about it.

Of course you have some feelings of revenge. They fade over time with recovery. Tell IN SPITE of those feelings, not because of them. It's just the right thing to do for all concerned.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrokenHubby:
<strong> 2 days later the WW came home and said it was finished, she never wants to see,hear, or speak to the OM again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked to your WW about why the A ended? You may have, but I have read your posts and you have not posted anything about it. It sounds like something happened in the A that upset her and caused her to come home. A fight, who knows.It seems like the A did not end because she realized it was wrong or the feelings ended. He did or said something that upset her. I bring this up because my fear would be, absent the OMs wife finding out, he may decide one day he wants to continue the affair, and try to reconcile with your W. At this stage your WW is still vulnerable.

Tell the OM's wife. It's the best insurance you have against this starting up again.
Michael

Sounds like your wife and mine are in the exact same place right now. Sounds like you're doing the right things (doing better that I am).
I also think you should tell the OM wife if only for an insurance policy for your own family. good luck.

Thanks everyone.

It looks like I will have to tell her after all. I really don't want to right now but I guess it is the right thing to do.

The reason WW ended the A was because she couldn't live withthe guilt and realized what a terrible thing she has done.

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean all is well here at home. 3 weeks after the NC started here and WW still doesn't see how she can fall in love with me again.

Last night was particularly brutal (3/5). On Wednesday WW was feeling like a caged animal and very angry. I suggested she call her cousin and go over for awhile to talk. Her cousin is my ally and is a BS herself, she is very adamant that the marriage continue. A couple hours before the WW was going to go she came to me and told me how she was feeling. I listened, thanked her for sharing with me and being honest then told her I couldn't bear being the cause of anymore of her unhappiness or anger tonight so I told her I would go and run some errands until she was to leave for cousins house.

WW didn't want me to leave but I told her I wasn't mad or hurt just that errands did need running and I could kill 2 birds with one stone.

I came back and she apologized for making me feel like I couldn't stay home. I thanked her again and reassured her that I wasn't angry and hurt it just felt like the right thing to do.

WW left and came back exactly when she said she would (about 2 and a half hours). WW was in a better mood and we talked for about an hour before we slept.

Thursday I called cousin to thank her for being there and listening, talking to the WW. She warned me that WW wants to fix marriage but doesn't see how she can while living at home because she isn't "in love" with me and wants to be badly. WW shared some of the letters I have written her and the cousin said she broke down in teas and told WW "You'd be a fool to give this up" WW told her that is her greatest fear that she make a terrible decision and regret it later.

WW was still insisting that she needs to get out of here because of the way she is feeling and she doesn't think she can make it back to our marriage while living here. Going out of her mind with all the emotions.

Well, cousin offered her to stay at her house if she needed because ahe wants to date me again and fall in love like when we first met. Cousin live less that 2 tenths of a mile from us but I still don't think it's a good idea.

Anyway Thursday we talked and I read the part about withdrawel to her since she hasn't and it didn't make her feel any better, didn't expect it too, just wanted her to know she isn't feeling anything unusual and it will pass. That is when she brought up moving out and dating as the only way she could see comimg badk.

I tried to convince her that she should wait another 3-4 weeks before even considering it because I can't fill her back up with the things she needs without time and time is what we won't have if she leaves.

I told her the kids won't understand and will be devastated. It will be as if we are divorcing to them. One of us will be gone and they aren't going to interested in dating mommy. I said lets just hold off on that for awhile.

I don't feel good about it at all. I know as hard-headed as my WW is that if she leaves it's over. Her guilt and shame won't allow her to come back and quite frankly, I don't know if I have the strength to live with the pain of dating my wife.

I'm about as low as I can be this morning. Confused, hurt, and suffering worse this morning than when I found out. I have tried reassuring her with MBer principles and how things can be different but she isn't interested in the books at all. She is going to take the ENQ but anything else just doesn't interest her.

The noose tightens around my neck. It feels like I can't breathe and I spent 3 hours crying like a baby after she fell asleep.

They say God never gives you more than you can handle but I am starting to wonder.

BrokenHubby

One more thing....

I am to the point of giving up.

This pain is so gut-wrenching.

I'm working the MB principles to the best of my abilities, doing everything around the house, taking care of everyones emotional and physical needs around here and I don't know how much more I can stand.

I have a gut feeling WW is going to try to move next week. I'm so lost, so lonely, so alone and I don't know how long I can put on a happy face with this disaster looming. Not that I am talking about angry outbursts or anything I just can't take the crying anymore, my crying.

No sleep, no eating, I've lost 45 pounds since this started. I'm in sales and for some reason my sales couldn't be better. How I have no idea I should be doing terrible at work but I am the regional leader and have been since I suspected something was wrong.

I should be happy about it, I should be enjoying it but I'm not. Food has no flavor, the world has no color and my life seems like a runaway locomotive.

This affair stuff is a gutless choice. I tell you when you are in this position people can tell something is wrong. I put on a happy face at work and say everything is fine. My point is I can't tell you how many women have asked me privately at work if I want to get a drink and talk. I have told them I am fine and I can't do that because I am married. Nobody believes that everything is fine because I have changed and given no explanation. I don't feel like I am acting any different but other folks radars must be going off.

The thing is it would be so easy to do the same thing the WW did. My wedding band has never stopped single or married women from hitting on me and now that I am vulnerable it's worse with the temptation.

The thought of holding another woman has never held any interest for me. My WW, even now, is the only woman I ever wanted this way. My looks and personality were always something my wife appreciated. She loved going out into social gatherings with me because I am an extrovert and folks have always been attracted to me.

And now the one person, the only person I want to attract can't even look at me. Yet I am attracting every other woman.

It makes the pain even worse. I can't have the ONE person I love more than anything.

God, I hate what she has done to my life and our childrens.

Drifting aimlessly without a life-jacket....

BrokenHubby

Hang in there BH. If your wife maintains nc with om, the sun of reality may begin to peek through soon. This is SO HARD. But people do get through it.
You can too.
Great time to pray.
Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Thanks realitychkdchick I appreciate the kind words....

Folks. I did call the OM's BS this morning per everyones advice. It was a call that I didn't want to make but with the WW making noises about moving out and dating me to fall back in love I guess I really had to so I could prevent any further contact.

I hope I handled it well, I was shaking like a leaf and sick to my stomach when I called. She is a nice woman who had no idea anything was happening. OM is freelance electrician so he can make up work stories all he wants to get out.

The bottom line is she thanked me and I found out this is the 9th time he has been caught in 21 years of marriage. 9 TIMES!!!!

I asked her to be strong and answered her questions the best I could without getting her to upset. I also asked her not to confront her WH until after we speak tomorrow. I bought an extra copy of "Survivng an Affair" just in case I ever had to talk to her, to give her to help in her situation. I want to gloss over some of the MB principles and have her read the book before she confronts him.

Obviously alot of EN's not being met for this to be happening so many times. They have 3 kids and it just tears my heart out to bear this news to her doorstep.

Or he could just be a dirtbag...it's possible.

She said that he always begs her forgiveness and she lets him back in. I told her after we talk she may want to rethink her strategy with him. OM's BW was very enthusiastic about meeting and talking, I told her that I would do whatever I can to help her through this but that we had to work together to insure there was no further contact between the 2 of them. She agreed wholeheartedly and is very interested to to learn anything that may help her amd me.

We talked for about an hour, I have to say in my own support that I really handled it well. I was compassionate, understanding, honest and decent, probably my finest moment as a human being.

I just want to thank you all for convincing me to call her, it was the right thing to do after all. I feel better as well because she got the news from someone who cares instead of by accident or WH telling or getting caught. I think it was a touch easier to digest, I asked her to say a prayer with me for my WW and her WH before we hung up and she told me thank you for being so kind. Then we said a prayer for our families and made our plans to meet.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a gigantic LB but it doesn't really matter if it is, the moral and decent thing to do had to be done.

You were all right.

BrokenHubby

BrokenHubby,

I know that you can't bear the thought of going to Plan B but sometimes it is the only way to bring them back and get your old self back too. I might start Plan B today as SO (significant other) is considering moving out to be on his own and feel the sparks again with me. Everything your W told you about not being in love with you and not sure whether she can stay on living with you etc is exactly what my SO told me. Right now I know he is looking to sign the lease on the apartment and though I am deeply sad sometimes it is for the best. He could see the light of day or not only God knows. For the time being I need to heal from this rollercoaster. Definitely I will miss him in fact I'm already am even if he's still here but like the prodigal son they need to figure things out for themselves on their own without us...only then will they come back.
Hugs! God bless!!!
BF
living with SO for 5 years, 1 S, a house and loads of memories

Thanks BF....who knows at this point

For instance, WW is very enthusiastic today about re-doing the living room. I spent the day patching and sanding and she is picking up the paint right now.

It's going to take 3-4 days to finish the job because we are doing some interesting painting techniques. WW planning something that far ahead is amazing right now.

Then again, who knows? For all I know she is meeting the OM right now and BSing me completely. I can't call the OM's wife right now because I don't want to stir up a hornets nest over there if he is home. I can't call her until Monday morning really.

I guess I'll just put on a happy face and find out Monday. I want to trust her so bad but it is impossible under the circumstances. WW is to wishy-washy right now to believe much of what she says.

All the changes I have made in my life since D-Day, following MBers, getting myself in shape again, doing the housework, taking care of our children(always took care of the children anyway), starting my own Consulting Company (already have made some good money with it), the cooking(I've always done the cooking around here).

What have I gotten for it so far?

WW says "It may be too little too late"

I wonder if she would rather me not try to improve myself? Maybe I was doing this because I had a huge wake-up call not because I thought it would please her. If it did please her then fantastic if not WW needed to consider that these are the things I need to do if she leaves and I have 4 kids to care for all by myself.

WW acted better this morning and better this afternoon.

But again,

Who REALLY knows?

BrokenHubby

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>