I wish I didn't have to go...

I wish I could just run the F*** away tomorrow, I'm just so da** exhausted,I don't want to face my family tomorrow.

I don't want to look my kids in the eye tomorrow morning because it hurts too bad, but I have to go because the kids wouldn't understand.

It's turning into another Holiday I am going to hate. I proposed to my wife on Valentines Day and she didn't even come home that day this year. Now it is ruined and here we are at Easter and it is going to turn out the same way.

I'm throwing up, my head is going to explode and I'm going to OD on tylenol if I take any more today.

I just want to run away from the pain.

I just want to disapear.

Better yet, I think I am going to pour a giant glass of scotch and drink until I pass out. At least then I won't have to think.

Not like I'll feel any WORSE tomorrow.

It's all like having someone drop a dog turd on my hot fudge sundae. Mmmm dig in.

I'm going to get a drink.

BH

BH,

Am sorry to hear about the news that she doesn't want to join the Easter celebration. In a sense I can understand her - she doesn't feel like there is nothing to celebrate because she has caused the family pain and she is so embarassed to see everyone. Do you get this point about them hating themselves too for letting you down? She is selfish I know but she had put herself in that position and she's not ready to come out to the world yet. My SO has missed a lot of celebrations because he was embarassed about his A and he feels littler to the rest of the world.

I know you are hurting right now BH but try to show her some compassion too and pretend that you'd be okay without her...and mean it too. I know it's hard but what else can you do? LB to death? What good will it do?

Right now just face to the fact that you can't control when they are going to come out of this. My SO has moved out of our house and he's on his own little apartment and tonight is my first night not to have him. He moved his things Thurs. - only basic stuff, like couch, TV table and air mattress ...all in the name of clearing his thoughts and screwed up head...pardon my French.

Yesterday I was pretty much okay with it as he didn't sleep there but tonight he might and though I know he will be back soon, at the back of my mind Satan is playing a lot of tricks and telling me that maybe the OW is there who knows?

They say fear is lack of faith. And today I am afraid, but I have to overcome this and face what is out there for me. I put my trust in Him so whatever happens is all in His plan.

BH, it is hard to see them like this because they have their inner war in them and you can only love them unconditionally. This is what you sign up for so you have no choice but to toughen up or fold. A holiday is a holiday, what's most important is your lifetime.

take care and try to live through this holiday. Don't forget the real meaning of this celebration and it is about the resurrection of God.

lots of hugs and prayers for you,
BF

Thanks for being there BF...I know this isn't easy for you right now either so I appreciate you coming in here on Easter Sunday. I do remember what it is really all about but as I am sitting here all by myself(like you) at 1:00 am Easter Sunday, posting on a BB about an A the spirit just isn't hitting me right now.

I'm not going to LB, He11, I haven't even said a word about Easter since she told me last weekend. I just said I was very disapointed and haven't mentioned it again.

We made the kids easter baskets like everything is cool, while my guts are burning. I wasn't acting cheery because, well, cheery might as well be a country in Asia this moment. I tried to turn my depression into boredom so I wouldn't get pissed. I guess it worked, I still didn't say anything about tomorrow although I think she tried by asking if I needed to take anything with me. I avoided opening up that can of worms with a short "no". She says "are you sure? no veggies or anything?" I said "nope" again and she dropped it.

O knew if I extended my answer it would not turn out well. I hope I didn't cut off an opening for her but I just couldn't bear talking about it.

I was dying to tell her the only thing I wanted to bring was her, just her.

Well, chin up BF, stay strong or at least stronger than me because here come the waterworks.

I can't type anymore.....I can't stop crying

BH

Well Folks,

Easter sucked just about as much as I thought it would.

The kids had a good time with their easter egg hunt so I guess thats all that matters.

My brother and I got a chance to speak alone about what he is going through so that really added to the "Joy" in my life. I am going to talk to my SIL today or tomorrow and take over the Harleys book "HNHN" she is a LBing fool and has been doing it for years. I didn't know what it was before but now I do, so maybe this will help. Maybe I should take over Lovebusters instead? I'll have to think about it.

Wife went to her Aunts house for Easter as I guess she is the only one that doesn't know anything yet. I feel like opening that door at this point because it is the only place left she has where nobody knows.

Wife told her cousin and she proceeded to mention it to another and so on till now everyone on that side of the family knows. She can't hold me responsible for that one.

My oldest son (15) asked me on the way to my mothers "Why doesn't she just leave(mom) or you just kick her out of the house?" I won't confirm what he has figured out, I just keep telling him "Mom and I are going through a tough spot" and explain we are trying to work things out.

OS says "You are the only one trying to work on anything, she doesn't care about anything but herself. Where is she now? Why isn't she coming with us to grandmas? She doesn't care about you or us, I wish she would just go away because I don't want her in the house anymore".

Now I try to comfort him and explain that maybe Mom has been taken over by aliens(Thanks BF) and that as soon as they are done experimenting on her, they will return her. OS doesn't buy it and tells me before we get to my moms that "I am beginning to hate her, I know I don't care whether she is at home and I don't want to talk to her, look at her, or be in the same room with her, and I am going to hate her very soon"

Powerful words from a 15 yo, powerful words indeed. I am doing my best to explain to him that no matter what, she is still your mother and blah, blah, blah...OS says "I don't care about what she is doing to me, I only care about (his 3 youger siblings), I can handle her acting like this because I don't care anymore but they won't understand and they won't get over it, they won't grow up with a mom and she doesn't care".

I wish there were a way to let my WW know about this. I don't know how to tell her without her getting defensive but my OS isn't going to be able to hold out much longer in saying something to her, I know him well enough to know when someone piises him off he lets them know. I don't really know how to handle this part.

Any suggestions?

I gave my wife truhearts "letter to WS" yesterday when I left. I asked if she would look at it and she agreed. Did she read it? I have no friggin' clue. She didn't mention it when we got home and actually didn't mention much of anything at all, I mean we talked about what happenen where we aere yesterday but that was it.

I called wife when I left my mothers to see if she wanted me to drop off our young ones at her aunts so they could hang out and show them off. WW cousins were all in from out of town and haven't seen our little ones yet. She says "No, everyone is leaving soon" well I was only 20 minutes away so I was a little upset. I didn't let it show but when I hung up my oldest son turns to me and says "She didn't want them huh? Just like I thought....I hate her"

Great! What to do about this now?

I don't even know why she is still here if she isn't going to try. I'll keep doing my best but it feels like there is no point to it anymore. The younger kids are going to figure out and start voicing themselves soon and I don't want that.

I feel like I am approaching the end of my patience and the end of my LB.

I guess the good news is that if she goes right now I probably wouldn't care all that much, at least it would relieve my stress and pain. She has no idea how disrespectful and hurtful she is right now.

She still doesn't "Get It" and who knows if she ever will.

Thanks everyone for listening

BH

BH,

Happy Easter anyway, who cares about the aliens? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just kidding, hey my SO did come back that night and slept in our bed as usual and am still in the best plan A ever. Why am I telling you this? Because even if he moved out (just his stuff but this spirits are with me and his body) they are still friggin confused as to what they want. He told me this morning "you know when you let me go on my own that's when I don't want to be on my own!" Oh yeah, it's so easy my love....ughh if only they knew how difficult but I am honest with him and do not pretend that it's always cool all the time.

What I try not to do is LB, scream yell or even raise my voice ...my tone is always sweet and nice even though I don't feel it sometimes or most of the times!

Don't have a success story yet for you my friend but so far it is working. I don't know about your situation but if you need to protect yourself maybe it's time to prepare for Plan B....but please seek out the professionals in this one.

If I were in your case, I would still continue in Plan A and be super super patient!!!! Oh it's hard I know but if it worked for my SO it should work for yours too. He admitted to me that his fog got lifted a month ago when I started showing him my new attitude - accepting, sweet, non-judgemental, patient, etc...

ok amigo, am here in training now so I'll catch up with you soon. As for the kids situation I will tell her the impact of her behaviour to the kids and how they are viewing her right now. She has to know this as this is very important if she wants to stay being the mother of them.

Take care,
BF

Hey BH,let me see if I can make some sense out of this. A WS is hard to make sense out of some of the things they do.

Easter sucked just about as much as I thought it would.

Why did it suck? It was full of opportunities for you to grow and get stronger. You did well and you W saw it all.

The kids had a good time with their easter egg hunt so I guess thats all that matters.

And they had fun with you and that is all that matters.

My brother and I got a chance to speak alone about what he is going through so that really added to the "Joy" in my life. I am going to talk to my SIL today or tomorrow and take over the Harleys book "HNHN" she is a LBing fool and has been doing it for years. I didn't know what it was before but now I do, so maybe this will help. Maybe I should take over Lovebusters instead? I'll have to think about it.

Are you sure you W didn`t know about your brother? Her behaviour is running from conflict not going to easter at your moms. Everything she did would make sense if she knew this and just didn`t want to face the situation. In any case everyone saw how strong you were and she will hear about it also.

Wife went to her Aunts house for Easter as I guess she is the only one that doesn't know anything yet. I feel like opening that door at this point because it is the only place left she has where nobody knows.

So she went to a "safe" place.

I wish there were a way to let my WW know about this. I don't know how to tell her without her getting defensive but my OS isn't going to be able to hold out much longer in saying something to her, I know him well enough to know when someone piises him off he lets them know. I don't really know how to handle this part.

He`ll tell her. Let him do it. 15 year old see the world very clearly.

I gave my wife truhearts "letter to WS" yesterday when I left. I asked if she would look at it and she agreed. Did she read it? I have no friggin' clue. She didn't mention it when we got home and actually didn't mention much of anything at all, I mean we talked about what happenen where we aere yesterday but that was it.

I would not have done this. Too soon for R talk IMO. And she won`t tell you becuase she don`t want to talk about it.

I called wife when I left my mothers to see if she wanted me to drop off our young ones at her aunts so they could hang out and show them off. WW cousins were all in from out of town and haven't seen our little ones yet. She says "No, everyone is leaving soon" well I was only 20 minutes away so I was a little upset. I didn't let it show but when I hung up my oldest son turns to me and says "She didn't want them huh? Just like I thought....I hate her" She has already told me she is going to play sick with the kids so she doesn't have to go.

Why would she want them over there. It would blow her cover. Your 15 year old knows she`s lieing about being sick the rest don`t correct?

I don't even know why she is still here if she isn't going to try. I'll keep doing my best but it feels like there is no point to it anymore. The younger kids are going to figure out and start voicing themselves soon and I don't want that. I still didn't say anything about tomorrow although I think she tried by asking if I needed to take anything with me. I avoided opening up that can of worms with a short "no". She says "are you sure? no veggies or anything?" I said "nope" again and she dropped it.

She`s trying and running at the same time. WS are weak. they have NO self esteem. You have to provide them with it. Say "sure honey veggies would be great, everyone would really like that."
The help her with the veggies. Plan A is about being so nice you make yourself puke..lol..

RG,

Thanks a bunch for the interpretation. I'm not fluent in WS Speak yet but you definately have this down!

Being nice until you puke is tough!

I do hope the fog begins to break soon, some cracks are showing but she is fighting herself tooth and nail.

She actually called me from work this morning(big shock), like the old days, to see whats up. Thanked me for making her lunch and warming the car up. I've been doing it for a long time but this is the first "Thank You". Amazing! I always cleared the cars off and warmed them up but was NEVER thanked for it. I started making her lunch because she always seemed to be running late.

Did I detect a hint of appreciation?

Naah, couldn't be.....lol

I know I am going to have to ask her to be sure but I think my wife is jelous of the relationship I have with our kids. The other night our 2 little ones (6 and 8) were watching American Idol in our bedroom with us and as usual they came to me and were fighting over who gets to lay on which side of me and snuggle up.

I made the mistake of trying to involve the wife and said "Why don't one of you lay with Mom" they both said "NO". I could feel the cool breeze blow through right then but what was I to do?

It made me very sad at that moment to realize how much she has detached herself from us. This isn't the first time this has happened. I have told my spouse she has to be proactive and get involved if she ever wants to be involved.

I see alot of her mother in this, her mother is a cold, conniving, cheating bit**, with no regard for anyone but herself. Her Mother did this same thing to her Dad(they are divorced 26 years now) and my wife was raised by a woman who jumped from bed to bed to get what she wanted. We have no contact with her because she took us to court to see our kids, and because she hates my guts. Oh well, the feeling is mutual.

This is why I have asked my wife before to go to counseling...she has a lot of crap she needs to air out and won't admit she needs help dealing with it. This is why I am so patient right now, I know the real problems we have aren't really about us so much as she has no tools to deal with the past. Wife has run from every problem in her life the same way she is now.

Unhappy? Screw someone and leave. Thats been her mode of operation since High School. She learned very well from her mother how to avoid handling any type of problem.

Sad really, Let your "feelings" guide you and screw intellect or rational thought....me, me, me is all that matters.

The thing that kills me is she is willing to leave her kids and run. In the past there were no kids involved so it is easy to run.

Maybe it will get better.

I know this much, I will be happy either way this breaks. If she stays I'll be ecstatic to stay together.

If she stays and wears me out, I'll be happy when she leaves, either way I'll make the best life possible for me and the kids.

Oh the twists and turns

BH

Hey Folks,

I have been thinking for the past few days while my marriage is at a standstill and had a few questions maybe someone could help me with.

I was wondering if I should find a good IC to go to and then suggest to my wife that she go, not to work on marriage but to work on herself?

I don't think our situation is going to change one bit until she works on some of her own issues.

I have some ideas why she is so F****d up right now(besides the obvious) but nothing concrete.

She is pouring through our money shopping faster than it is being replenished. Is this something that is not unusual?

I am pretty sure there is NC but I have a couple questionable time frames for her calling a girlfriend. I want to ask without confrontation...is there a way?

She is going over to a girlfriends house tonight till 7:30 and called me on her way....very short and angry on the phone so I told her "You seem aggravated and don't want to talk so I'll talk to you when you get home" Did that seem like the right way to handle it?

No ILY's in a about 2 weeks, doesn't even give me a chance to say it so I stopped about a week ago. I don't know what else to do. She still kisses me goodbye and all that but now no hugs to go with it.

Am I completely stupid or does it sound like there has been contact with the OM again?

If so, I'm not sure I want to keep on with this charade of a marriage. I can't handle D-Day all over again.

On the other side we have done alot together the last 2 weeks but then I have read plenty of other stories here about the WS being involved and still carrying on the A.

She still isn't being a mother in the least...I mean not at all and my OS doesn't really care if she stays or goes, In fact he told me today he would rather she leave than act like this.

I am trying, I am doing the Best Plan BH on earth but there is just NO headway or signs of coming around.

Is there any chance she is pulling a Walk-away spouse deal on me?
Is there any way to fix this if she is?

I do know one thing I figured out this week that has made me feel better.....

I was happy before I met her,
I was happy while we have been together,
I'll be happy however this turns out so,
I'll be happy now.

BH

I forgot to add one more thing....

Love Sucks!

I mean, I LOVE my kids beyond words, just like the rest of you here with children. I love them completely and without reservation. My life has been enriched beyond measure just having them with me.

I LOVE my family, my mother and brothers and sister, my grandparents, aunts and uncles. They have helped make me what I am today.

Another woman or my wife? I don't think I will ever LOVE that way again, so hence....

Love Sucks!

It has turned into fear, hate, revulsion, distrust, animosity, revenge, pain, bitterness, broken dreams, broken souls, broken promises, lies, deceit, tangled webs, fractured hearts and empty lives.

I long for the innocence and trust. I desire my wife as always but she has me to the point of running her out of here. I can't do that, I am not strong enough and besides, I am not going to make it easy for her. If she isn't going to help fix this thing, she can take full responsibility for abandoning our family.

I don't know about the rest of you but I NEED SOME DAMN AFFECTION! I really NEED some damn sex! I really NEED someone to not look at me as if I just hand washed a porta-potty or brushed my teeth with a dog-turd.

I don't care if it has been 2 months since D-Day, I NEED some things too, like help raising our children, some peace of mind and some damn affection!

I am SO tempted to take an open invitation and jump in my car, and go over to this girls house that has been on me like white on rice. I'd feel like crap in the morning but right now anything that would ease my burden and give me some happiness, however fleeting, would be a friggin' relief.

I am so torn and in such need it's killing me. My wife has done nothing but make me feel ugly and unwanted, I know I am not but when your best friend, wife and lover turns on you and says awful things it is so hard to push it away. The only thing she has left to tell me is I am hung like a gnat or some equally cruel thing to finish the job.

It's 11 p.m., I am going to try to stay out of my car until midnight, if I can make it to midnight maybe I'll be OK.

I've changed all I am going to change, I've done all I am going to do.

It is her turn to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to come back in.

I don't even know if I really care at this point. I'm running on empty and the mere thought that I could do to her what she did to me is letting me know something needs to change quick.

Love Sucks and I don't ever want to be so blinded again.

Bitter? You Betcha'

Screw it all

BH

I feel your pain. Tonight I am tired physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Hopefully you are in bed and made it past your midnight mark. Hang in there plan A is tough but we have to believe it is worth the effort.

I myself am starved for some SF or attention. However, as a 6 month pregnant woman with 2 young kids in tow I don't get any. If I did receive any I'm sure it would be coming from a pervert. LOL

Thanks for our concern LimboJenn,
I did make it to midnight. I watched the clock like a hawk down to the second and went to bed.

In the light of day, what I was thinking about doing last night makes me feel filthy. It doesn't change how I feel but thank God I didn't act on my feelings like my WS did.

Jenn, I'm not a pervert, well not in the typical sense anyway...lol, but I have always thought that women who are pregnant are beautiful. I always called it "The Glow". Put on some makeup, do your hair and look in the mirror. See? Your beautiful, feels good doesn't it.

I don't know your whole story. Even though you are going through this right now, don't let it take away the magic, happiness, excitement of being pregnant. The best moments of my life are the days my wife said she was pregnant and the days we delivered.

Thanks again, time to get through another day. One day at a time right?

Or something like that.

BH

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

Come here when you are going crazy. You do not need SF or affection right now, you want it. I have been going without either since July. You just have to channel things into other activities. Boy is my house clean.

believer,

of course you are right, I don't NEED either of those things to survive.

but, but, but.....I WANT them really, really bad.

Does that count?lol

I am fine in the daytime, I can clean, cook, take care of the kids and keep myself occupied in general.

It is the night that gets me. I am a night owl and everyone else in this house is not. Wife and kids are ALL asleep by 10 at the absolute latest and I rarely go to bed before 1 a.m., I only need 4-5 hours of sleep and then I am wide awake.

If I go to bed early, I am up at 2-4 a.m. and done for the night. That makes for a very LONG DAY at work.

Anyway, thanks for the reminder and I will come here to vent. I have a feeling the longer this drags on the more venting I'll be doing!

Time to go lift some weights, it is muscle and self-esteem building time.

BH

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

Hey there my friend,

It's been awhile since I posted here as I'm busy with my own situation too but I thought I'd hop in and visit you guys.

I'm so sorry to hear that nothing has changed and from your perspective it has gotten worse. Actually I am not surprised one bit because this journey will have a lot of false recoveries before real and true recovery can be attained.

BH, I've been on this almost 4 months now and as you know my SO moved out to his apt. exactly one week ago but hey, I'm still doing Plan A but plenty of detachment which I'm going to post once again until you pick up the message and practice it to heart.

Emotional Detachment fr Awed18

Please I urge you for your sake to practice it so you don't get too affected by your confused WW. Also, I am seeing your "Taker" really overwhelming you at this point where you feel that you have given so much and yet not get anything from her. I've been there but I have to be reminded that when we signed up for this job that there are no timelines or deadlines when they are coming back or even giving us that much needed affection...

It is tough esp. for you not to have SF, but I'm sure there are creative ways for you to pleasure yourself without the need for another W, pardon my being blunt... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> my SO does and so do I. Point is you don't want to correct a mistake by another mistake end of discussion!

Please see a counselor or I would suggest a marriage coach soon. I am doing it right now and she's great and though I know sometimes that I should have done that but if someone is showing you or telling you that it is to your benefit (not his) that you take that action, then there's tremendous relief knowing that a professional supports that move regardless of the financial cost.

I just started last night and whew I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and amazingly so much positive results have been seen. I'm sure it's not that way all the time but this is for you first, then if your W is willing then engage her...only if she seeks it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think our situation is going to change one bit until she works on some of her own issues. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should change this to " I think our situation is going to change once I start working on my self, my attitudes, reactions, perspective..." Please believe me as I have applied this and saw the dramatic change in us for 3 weeks before his move which really made him doubt and feel stupid as to why he still has to move on his own! Again, please buy the book from Susan Page " How the one of you can bring the two of you together!"..got it from Amazon for less than 5 bucks!

As to your suspicions, she could be in contact again with the OM which is inevitable sad to say but they are always bound to fall so what's new? How am I handling the fact that he's moved out and for all I know the OW can be there or he can call her or see her w/o my knowledge?

Know what the secret is now? Blocking it off and stopping all these obsessions about her. If he's gonna see her he is going to...what's there to stop him? Only himself...when and if he finds himself. Since he's moved out he's calling everynight just to assure me (without telling me of course) that no one is there. What I'm trying to point out is that by stopping control they will stop the action that has led you to control in the first place coz there's no one to fight with or rebel with anymore...see the logic? And what does it do to you? You're at peace, you don't care if she self-destructs and if she does then she'll realize what she has in you!

Ok sorry for this very long post, am rambling too much but I saw myself in you 2 months ago and still even now sometimes but am more in control of myself and my emotions nowadays and it has kept my sanity and health.

C'mon stop any ILYs for now, no romantic stuff nor expectations of affection or SFs yet! She's not ready my friend, give her space and time and give yourself a break. They say that when you've stop being interested in them that's when they will start getting interested in you again...it's all a game! You've obsessed about her too much! It's time for you...get that book and practive emotional detachment and see an IC or coach. Let me know if you need help on this.

Lots of hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BF

BF,

Thanks for dropping in, I was wondering what was up with you.

I don't have time for a proper response right now as I have 3 more kids to get ready for school and one BIG kid to get ready for work...lol

I'll reply later and thanks for your kind words.

BH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BF (betrayed fiancee):
<strong> Hey there my friend,

It's been awhile since I posted here as I'm busy with my own situation too but I thought I'd hop in and visit you guys.

I'm so sorry to hear that nothing has changed and from your perspective it has gotten worse. Actually I am not surprised one bit because this journey will have a lot of false recoveries before real and true recovery can be attained.

____________________________________________
I Say:
BF, If we had a false recovery this would be even worse, there has been no recovery at all. We are just living
_____________________________________________

BH, I've been on this almost 4 months now and as you know my SO moved out to his apt. exactly one week ago but hey, I'm still doing Plan A but plenty of detachment which I'm going to post once again until you pick up the message and practice it to heart.

______________________________________________
I Say:
I have read it over and over and over. I am so happy for you that you have been able to take it to heart, unfortunately I haven't. You have a real good handle on this, I thought I did until a week or so ago. The nights are friggin' awful, I can take the days, in fact I am a generally happy person all day long throughout this whole nightmare (always have been a happy person), then night comes and all the fear, deceit, lies, and unfaithfulness comes out to play. I am doing my best to control it but apparently not very well.

___________________________________________


Emotional Detachment fr Awed18

Please I urge you for your sake to practice it so you don't get too affected by your confused WW. Also, I am seeing your "Taker" really overwhelming you at this point where you feel that you have given so much and yet not get anything from her. I've been there but I have to be reminded that when we signed up for this job that there are no timelines or deadlines when they are coming back or even giving us that much needed affection...


_____________________________________________
I Say:
Yeah, the taker is here. He brought a suitcase and a pillow...lol. I am trying to evict the useless guy but he is persistant.
________________________________________________


It is tough esp. for you not to have SF, but I'm sure there are creative ways for you to pleasure yourself without the need for another W, pardon my being blunt... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> my SO does and so do I. Point is you don't want to correct a mistake by another mistake end of discussion!


_____________________________________________

I Say:
No, I don't want to make another mistake but isn't the alternative kinda like asking for a hot fudge sundae and they just throw a scoop of vanilla in your hand? lol. You still get ice cream but without all the goodies that go with it![/b
_______________________________________________
]

Please see a counselor or I would suggest a marriage coach soon. I am doing it right now and she's great and though I know sometimes that I should have done that but if someone is showing you or telling you that it is to your benefit (not his) that you take that action, then there's tremendous relief knowing that a professional supports that move regardless of the financial cost.

I just started last night and whew I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and amazingly so much positive results have been seen. I'm sure it's not that way all the time but this is for you first, then if your W is willing then engage her...only if she seeks it!


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I Say:
[b]Good for you BF! I am truly happy to hear that. I have kept putting off C, I don't know why but I will make it a priority next week
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think our situation is going to change one bit until she works on some of her own issues. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should change this to " I think our situation is going to change once I start working on my self, my attitudes, reactions, perspective..." Please believe me as I have applied this and saw the dramatic change in us for 3 weeks before his move which really made him doubt and feel stupid as to why he still has to move on his own! Again, please buy the book from Susan Page " How the one of you can bring the two of you together!"..got it from Amazon for less than 5 bucks!


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I Say:
I'll look it up tonight BF
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As to your suspicions, she could be in contact again with the OM which is inevitable sad to say but they are always bound to fall so what's new? How am I handling the fact that he's moved out and for all I know the OW can be there or he can call her or see her w/o my knowledge?

Know what the secret is now? Blocking it off and stopping all these obsessions about her. If he's gonna see her he is going to...what's there to stop him? Only himself...when and if he finds himself. Since he's moved out he's calling everynight just to assure me (without telling me of course) that no one is there. What I'm trying to point out is that by stopping control they will stop the action that has led you to control in the first place coz there's no one to fight with or rebel with anymore...see the logic? And what does it do to you? You're at peace, you don't care if she self-destructs and if she does then she'll realize what she has in you!


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I Say:
The funny thing is BF, my W has been the controlling one throughout our relationship. I never realized it until this A happened and I had to do some inventory on us. We agreed for me to stay home with the kids because she made alot more money than me.

Ever after that, She would say "no" to a night job because I wouldn't be home in the evening. Then she would complain we didn't have enough money. Then she said "no" to a weekend job because I would be gone every weekend, then she would complain we didn't have enough money.

Then when our second child was in pre-school(before our last 2 were born) I got a job and she hated every second of it. She complained how things weren't getting done but no complaints about not having enough money. We got pregnant again and when she got close to her due date she took time off and then 12 weeks of leave. So when she goes back to work I had to quit to take care of the newborn and our other 2. No big deal right?

But while all this is going on she has me like a prisoner in my own house with my consent obviously as I let it happen. Example: We have never taken our cars anywhere to be fixed. I have always repaired them myself. I estimate somewhere in the $25,000 or more range over the years. I would take the cars to my brothers barn to fix them, it killed 2 birds with one stone, fix the car and visit with my brother(we are very close). She would hassle me all day by phone as to when I would be done, why isn't it finished and on and on. Sometimes 10 or more calls in 6 hours!

Then 22 months after our third we are pregnant again. I get another job and she is miserable so I quit before our 4th was born. We decide I am going to go back to school to get my degree. We are low on money again so I go for 18 months straight and when it was time to sign up for my 4th semester we were almost broke. The whole time W is complaining we don't have any money. Now I suggest a job again and she torpedos that so I don't sign up for school because we can't afford it.

Now she is pissed I am not in school although she was in charge of the bills at the time and KNEW we were broke. I didn't want to bring it up because I felt like I would be piling on, I mean here is what it would have sounded like to her "Hun, you don't make enough money, you aren't working enough hours or busting your a$$ hard enough for this family" Still she complains about not having enough money, then accuses me of quitting school! Well DUH! We're broke!

So I stay home for 2 more years till our youngest is in 1st grade. As soon as he starts first grade I get another job (Sept '03). Perfect hours ( I am only gone while the kids are in school) and this will give us the money for me to finish school. We went over all of this when I got the job but things went downhill from there. Not in any way you could visibly tell but as I look back, the conversations weren't what they used to be but everything seemed fine until "BANG" Feb. '04 like a lightswitch. So I sign up for school in Feb. and all this goes down. We finally have enough money for school, bills, and vacation without scrimping. Her Dad gives us a $35,000 van for Christmas, We have money in the bank, more at one time than we have ever had and its growing. The stuff we have been working towards all along and it is within our reach now.

The reason for this ramble is that I haven't been controlling in the least, in fact I think I have been more of a doormat and built in babysitter all these years. As soon as I buck the system, she gets freaked. That is why I said she has things to deal with, I have found myself, and my manhood is still intact. I will no longer go along to get along. I am never going to go back to "yes dear" again.
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Ok sorry for this very long post, am rambling too much but I saw myself in you 2 months ago and still even now sometimes but am more in control of myself and my emotions nowadays and it has kept my sanity and health.


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I Say:
I don't think it is as long as my ramble...lol
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C'mon stop any ILYs for now, no romantic stuff nor expectations of affection or SFs yet! She's not ready my friend, give her space and time and give yourself a break. They say that when you've stop being interested in them that's when they will start getting interested in you again...it's all a game! You've obsessed about her too much! It's time for you...get that book and practive emotional detachment and see an IC or coach. Let me know if you need help on this.

Lots of hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BF </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">_____________________________________________
I Say:
BF, I'll give myself a break. I haven't said "ILY" in awhile. I'm to the point where I don't really want to say it anyway. I do love her, and I do want her, but again, I will not become a doormat again to have my marriage intact.

BH

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: BrokenHubby ]</small>

BF,

I forgot to add a Thank You!

And I also forgot to add:

Good Luck
Stay Strong
Be the best BF you can be!

BH

BH,

Thanks for all your best wishes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - I still need it everyday of this journey.

I am shocked to my wits as to your situation in your M previous to this A. I can't imagine how you have given in to all her demands and wishes and dropping your job or studies at the snap of her fingers. I don't know the full extent of her issues or the imbalance in your setup but it does seem unfair looking in from the outside.

I do want to clear something though. I understand that she has been controlling in your M and I don't know how you have agreed to it in the past but you have allowed her to walk all over you which gave her all the power and justification to have the A knowing fully well that "my H will never stand up for himself so no worry I will do what I want." Don't know just imagining the scenario playing in their heads. I could be wrong of course but sometimes when we are too giving that's when they start abusing the trust and voila - bomb!

But you did sign up for the Plan A and possibly B so here's what I want to clear up. The control I was referring to is controlling the timeline when she will wake up and meet all your needs and be your lovely W again. This you have no control because you can't force her to love you the way she used to when she's not there yet. And when will they wake up????Oh I have no answer for that only God knows dear BH, much as I want to assure you that am seeing good things today from my partner it is only today who knows what tomorrow will bring but that's another day. I live day to day now - here today gone tomorrow. Lately he's been here for as long as I'm friendly and nice and not threatening or nagging or b****y which am rarely. So I kinda figure out the equation in my head oh he wants to stay and have fun when I'm all fun and not making him feel bad. In short I am providing a fun loving safe environment for him to stay awhile. Now it could be different for you which is why I have to remind you that I was like you so much a month and a half ago.

That is why if you want her bad, let her do what she wants, let her be what she needs to be and when the time is ripe and if she realizes that she's giving you all up then it's her freaking problem. It's like ok kiddo, here's your rope and hang yourself. I'm gonna watch you and if you want to I will save you but you have to tell me that you want to be saved otherwise bye bye...it's their choice to stay or leave....but...

To make it effective you have to ignore her unlike in the past when you catered to her every whim, c'mon you get her ready for work what are you to her ? her nanny? Please, I don't take kindly to that kind of abuse. Ignore her when she acts like an alien and show some love but not all the way when she's open to it. Ok, ok it's tough c'mon my friend you are strong don't give up unless you are willing to...but then again why are you here? They say this is not for the wimpy so toughen up kiddo.

Ok enough said again, I am beginning to sound like a broken record. Just give it a try but pls get that book and if it doesn't work for her then I don't know what else. Plan B is an option that needs professional guidance because it is very very lonely on on the first week but this is my 9th day and I'm quite ok because I'm seeing a lot of positives in my SO (am still in Plan A though even if he had moved out bec. he's not with the OW).

For you see the IC or MC my friend soon it will definitely give you a lift. With your W pls don't expect any miracles I should say probaly til the 3rd or 4th month that is if you are really doing a good Plan A. Count every little affection she has shown you as her own awkward way of saying "I am trying" bec. my SO would always tell me that I have tried so hard and I would say "but you've not tried enough."

The book will make you realize that your 100% effort is not the same as your W or H's 100% as we are all different in the way we operate so if my SO says I gave it all to him it was his 100% yet it looked to me like it was 40. See the point?

Ok later my friend, don't want to lecture you just hang in there, get the book, act as if you are happy and you will be!

I'll pray for you tonight,
BF

BF,

Thanks again, youseem to be able to get to the root and it is very helpful! You have definately grown through this huh?

As too the W's control over the years, it never seemed like control and I can't blame her entirely for it. I let it happen to me and allowed her to do it. I think the root of the A is the fact that she lost all respect for me because of the control issue.

Control is the key, I don't know how, when, or why I allowed it. I NEVER in ANY of my other prior relationships allowed this kind of behavior.

Of course, now I have to walk a fine line between standing up for myself and not being beligerent. It hasn't been easy since I realized whats been going on. That is why I told her I am signing up for school, didn't ask for her approval although I gave her a small voice by asking how many classes she thought I should take. I already had decided on 2 but I gaver her a choice between 2 and 4, she says "take how many you want" so I said 2. I know it is a little thing on the surface but it is big in the context of our marriage.

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"To make it effective you have to ignore her unlike in the past when you catered to her every whim, c'mon you get her ready for work what are you to her ? her nanny? Please, I don't take kindly to that kind of abuse."
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BF, I must not have said something clearly in my last message. I usually only make her lunch, when I said I had one BIG kid to get ready for work I meant me....lol. Unfortunately, I did cater to her whims and in hindsight it is abuse. There is a line that is crossed when you do nothing but give of yourself and that may be the reason why it feels like nothing has changed. I mean, I already gave and gave, now I am giving more, letting her do as she pleases and maybe I am letting her be disrespectful to me at this point (as if the A wasn't disrespect enough).

I don't have any clue how I have one drop in my LB after I look back on everything. I am not rewriting history, just taking a cold hard look at reality and wondering about the hows and whys, and trying to figure out a way to right the ship.

Who knows? There may be no way to fix or change things? The kids and my life for the future unfortunately hinge on whether SHE wants a new relationship or not. I know what I want, some damn equality and respect. Who friggin' knows what she wants, I don't think she does at this point.

Of course she pulled out the trump card 4-5 nights ago, the one thing that allows her to fence sit for awhile. Here it goes, she says "I am afraid that I'll let myself back in, you'll suck me back in and then you'll kick me out"

AMAZING!

The truth of the matter is that even though I LOVE HER without reservation, I could move on right now. Even with all my posts about the hurt and anger (which are true) she hasn't been much of a mother or wife in a long time. I don't want to move on, I want her in our lives but at some point being alone with the kids or being alone with her living here isn't a very hard choice.

I do know that she loves me, she wouldn't be here if she didn't, so the "ILYBINILWY" is a load of horsecrap. That phrase should be more like "I love you but the shame and disgrce of my actions are forcing me to push you away so I don't feel like a turd getting flushed, I am just preserving what little respect I have for myself so I don't slice my wrists and when you kick me out I can tell myself I didn't love you anyway"

The sad thing is I know she is just waiting for me to tell her to leave, have my own affair, or serve her with D papers.

Not much room for marriage building in that scenario.

I will continue to do what I can, I have told her numerous times(3-4) that I do NOT want our old marriage or relationship back. It died the day she stepped out on our marriage, I want a new based on (insert marriage builders here).

Well, I have rambled on long enough. I ordered the book last night BF, should be here Saturday or Monday. I am interested to see what it says.

I am making an IC appointment tomorrow morning, don't know what else to do.

Well, live well BF. I will too.

BH