When you read what he has said, you know he is deeply in the fog. It is just unbelievable. You need to realize that he is out of reach right now. Don't even try to talk to him. He is talking nonsense.

Resanne,

My H spewed the same junk. Except his OW was 6+ years older than him. LOL!!! Age isn't always a factor.

Keep that e-mail. It will eventually help you get over the pain. It will hurt at first but like Believer said, we can all see the fog.

Right now he doesn't appreciate the fact that you are telling him the 'emperor is naked'. He wants to believe he is looking good (aka; happy) while creating guilt. Makes no sense. So don't try to understand it.

When mine said that to me it hurt. He repeated himself that way for several months. Eventually I could actually see a PMS type pattern. The WS was turning into an OW? LOL!!! No but he was acting more and more like. her. Even down to his choice of words. YIKES <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

After a while, I developed enough strength to say the following:

BS: Ws, I needed to tell you something I finally learned. You felt the A was needed to make you happy. You have been spewing nonsense for a few months now but you think that's ok. Well I can't be a part of that so I chose not to. Your son and I want you to be happy, even if it kills us. Right, you are murdering our family but if that makes you happy then so be it. Just remember that whenever you share a smile or laughter with the OW, we feel the stabs of pain in our hearts. Just remember when you look in the mirror to make sure you look past the guilt of your face staring back at you with ours in the background crying. It 's ok, it is our sacrifice so you can be happy. Really with all this misery, someone in this mess needs to be happy.

Don't worry WS, we will eventually learn to be happy without you 2.

What I wrote is similar to what I said. I said that as I went into plan B. It took a great burden off my shoulders and I went into plan B for me, not for the M.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

You writing to WS is really good. Everyone is telling me that Plan B is good. So are you through or till in Plan B?

Dear lostnhurt,

My Ws no longer exists. My H is now back home. We are in recovery. It has been long and hard also not perfect. Many false recoveries and setbacks. Recovery is still in progress. I keep plan B in my back pocket and no longer afraid to whip it out as needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My H even joins us at the MB outings periodically along with another WS and his W.

L.

Well, I really screwed up tonight.......I was love busting all over the place.

I went out with a girlfreind tonight for dinner and dancing and fun in the French Quarter. Walking thru the quarter made me start remember some converations with my hustand, about when he would go out with this friends and the OW who worked i his office

As soon as I could i started text messaging him with I wish he know how i felt to be alone and everyone around you has their family

Have you been to the lawyer yet? Please get that in motion.

Also have you seen the 180's? You need to stop thinking about this man and OW and start enjoying your life. I know it is hard, but many of us have done it while waiting out the affair.

I think it is time for Plan B. You will get more peace and get off this rollercoaster.

Believer,

yes you are right I know it is time for Plan B....i couldnt even finish my post last night as you could tell I ended it unfinish, because I felt so badly for the horrible things I said to him about him and the OW......he is always throwing up to me how wonderful she is and how concerned she is for me and the kids........well I had heard enough and I really laid into him.....as he said I sounded like a sailor on shore leave, which he is right i usually dont loose my temper and curse at anyone. He asked me what new friend of mine had taught me to curse like that and I told him that he was the cause of me doing that.......

Yes, I did see an attorney that was referred to me by and friend, but there is no way i can afford her.........she wanted $550 for initial visit and a $5000 retainer......

I am going to make an appointment with a legal aide office tomorrow.

I still just have a hard time understanding how I got to this place in my life......I thought this man was my best friend for life......his friends used to tell him all the time how they thought we were so lucky to have the relationship we did.....they used to tell him how lucky he was to have me, because i loved him so much and i put up with alot of things from him that most women would not have, i.e. messiness, temper, arrogance, his projects that we worked on together that inevitably ended up taking 3X what they should have, etc.

Went to my parents today and they again started crying today telling me how much they miss him and want to talk to him so badly to see if he is ok, but he wont call them back or return their letter........he was very close with my family, my dad to this day considers him a son.....he made the comment today when looking at his portrait that hangs on their wall..."it is like my son died, but i never got to say goodbye, it hurts to not have the closure"......i told my dad that I completely understood what he meant.....

my husband in many ways has died.......but then again, it might have been easier than knowing he has hurt me so badly and is living his dream life with someone else.

Resaann

Yes it is sad when they seem to move on so easily. The first two months for me brought such a sense of disbelief. We were best friends and both always talked about staying together forever.

But I would still rather be the BS. I just could not do that to him. All of the lying and sneaking around must be very painful. And the fact that you let someone down who believed in you. No, I would rather be the one hurt.

Somehow they seem to be able to push it to the back of their mind, but I'm sure they must agonize about it sometimes. No matter what, most people believe that faithfulness is the best way.

Believer,

Yes, I agree with you, I have a clear consciensous and I know that I did everything I possibly could to make it work.

Do you know how many spouses ever come back to their spouses after they say they have been unhappy and arent sure they ever loved you?......It just seems to me I have lost him forever....he used to be so apologetic and emotional when I would see him, but that ended after about a month and now he seems very confident in his decision and tells me that frequently. He is more cold than ever. OW is very confident also....I guess so she has my husband living with her and taking up for her and assuring her that he will never leave her.....

Also, since our Plan A ended so messily, do u like I have any chance with Plan B?...

I was not successful in Plan A obivously...

Resaann

His chances of marrying the OW are about 5%. After they move out, chances of reconciling are about 20%, but that is without the MB program.

And often it is the BS that throws in the towel. So stick with the program here. You have a plan. It is advisable to do a good Plan A, but I didn't. So just do the best you can. That way you can look back and say you did everything you could to save your marriage.

In the meantime, get legal help. In California you can go to the court yourself and fill out papers for separation and support. Check that out in your state.

Believer

WOW....only 20%

Well, I got a call from WH's mom today and she said they went to dinner with WH and OW over the weekend. It hurts so bad to know that within a 3 month period, this woman has just walked in and made her place in my husbands family and essentially in mine. I have always been very close to my inlaws. Today she told me that I should move on. So, I guess everybody around me thinks that he will never come back. Including my kids...they tell me to forget about him and move on also.

I cant even do a good Plan A, because I do not even know what EN's I should meet. He has told me nothing that I have done wrong, just plain and simply that he never loved me. So what do I do to meet his EN's without knowing what they are.

Also after I sent him the horrible love busters this weekend he has responded to me by email several times telling me how sorry he is that he never complimented me and that i look great and that he feels horribly that he had to end our marriage like this but he wasnt happy for so long and he just knew that there was never going to be a good time to end it. Then he tells me that he wants me to call him and talk to him when i am feeling down, that he cares very deeply for me and is concerned about me. I told him that I coulld not talk to him because i knew that everything I say he would tell OW. He said that he only tells her some things. Oh boy! what a comfort only SOME things....

I dont think he is coming back and I am going to prepare myself for that........if he comes back well that will be wonderful......but I dont think he is....

Resaann

Asking him for comfort is like being run over by a drunk drive and then asking him for help.

As far as his family, shame on them. My H's family is the same way. WH has spent the night in his daughter's house with OW, and also takes her to his sister's house. All I can say is there is a lack of morals there.

I have been in a similar position and told the person that I cared for them, but could not accept OP. I would not tolerate something like this.

So hang in there. You can overcome this.

Uhmm.. Don't count on inlaws. The only person the really care about is their son. I made a mistake to confide in my mominlaw. I will stop that. I know she would be happy to dirty my name when and if I leave. She will say it was my fault, just like she did with her other son's ex g/f. She's nice, until it doesn't go right.

Girlfriend, pick up your chin from the ground! I know you loved this man, dedicated your life to him, loved his family, but you see now he wants to move on. He wants a new family, he wants to be "HAPPY" without you. I will no longer talk about fog. He is no longer in fog, he just doesn't want to make his relationship work with you and right now he is living his little fantasy. Let him do it. In the meantime, you need to get your [censored] up, start taking walks, go to the beauty salon, get your hair, nails, massage. EVERYTHING.. DO YOU!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! Do not wait for him. I am saying this because I know how it feels. If my husband only would have made it as easy for me to move on.. I WOULD! Anyways, I know its 19 years...and its a long time. It isn't easy to let go, but I am sure a lot of people in this board would tell you the same thing babygirl.. "LET GO" and please please do not send him anymore emails, it will only make you feel bitter AND HURT.

NOW BIG HUGS****** And tommorow I want you to write me and tell me that you went out and pamper yourself a little bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Take it from someone who's going through the rollercoaster rides. If you read my posts you'll see what I am going through. Now please take care of yourself.. and SHAME on your Inlaws... I'm taking notes... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Huruda is right. I called my in laws. All they said that they son is a good person. There must be something wrong with me. They told me to check on myself. I did not expect anythign from them. Believer already warned me. So forget about him.

Last night I was online paying bills and WH popped in on instant messenger, asking me questions about the checking account, etc. We talked about that for a while and then he started telling me how he wants me to talk to him and know that he is always here for me and blah, blah ,blah.......he then tells me that since we are still married that we should take out a loan together to get our daughter a car, that way the combined income will make our rate lower. I told him absolutely NOT!...I said that I wanted to wait until our seperation is legal and I wanted to do this on my own with out him. I told him that because of this I am a different person and I do not need him, that of course I want my husband and best friend back , but I did not need him at all. And that I would never put myself in the position to rely on somebody as completely as I did him. He just kept going on about his wanting to be my friend and that he wanted me to confide in him, etc. I told him that after 19 years of being my best friend and husband, I cant just be his friend. I told him I can not just shut my love for him down as he did our love. I would love to lean on him but I am at a place in my life, which is where he put me, that I want to stand on my own. He then told me I was always keeping things from him and that i was secretive about everything since he left. I told him he really had nerve to accuse me of secrecy...........I dont even know where he and the OW are living........he told me "I dont keep anything from you".....I said "ok, then where are you living?".....he said "why are you going to come visit?"....my reply was "Not a chance in hell that I would make any attempt to go to their love nest"......he of course did not like that anad then he started telling me his address and then he said this...."that is where I am living for NOW !!".....I asked so are you and she going to rent that condo and buy a bigger one?.....he got sarcastic and said "oh yes, right after we fly to Paris and get married...hahaha."......the he said" yea right, money is very tight and we dont know if we can afford this"......then he said " I dont know if we are going to survive this anyway"(meaning he and OW)......then he told me how he knows our marriage was not a waste, that we have wonderful memories, kids, etc. I told him that I felt the same, that everytime I want to get angry I start thinking about all the wonderful times we had. He replied with "yes, I do also".....Mind you this is the man that keeps telling me how miserable he was our entire marriage!.....

I just dont know what to make out from his conversations....I want so desperately to think they are signs that he is having second thoughts, but my head says not to do that to myself.

Will somebody give me their opinion of whether this mean anything or not?....dont spare my feelings i really need to know.

Resaann

Sounds like he is not sure what he wants. I think most WS's are very torn. I know mine is. He keeps saying he wants to reconcile, but continues to be with OW. I think the only thing you can do is look at his actions.

Shouldn't you be in Plan B when the WH is still vacillating between his feelings for you and the OW? I'm no expert on this plan but I think that you need to just cut off contact with him until he wakes up! As believer says you'll be in a better place than Plan A as you will learn to take charge of your own happiness. If he comes back then let him prove it by his actions. Talk is cheap! Oh the inlaws thing...please forget about them too...they say the best revenge is successful living so get on with life girl and be as successful as you can be with or without him.
BF