Please, please help me...I have been reading and posting and reading more...My situtation is:
In WI; WH does not have to move out of our home until divorce is final.
Divorce has been started in Dec. 2003.
OW filed for divorce in Dec. 2003.
Both WH and OW have 20 year marriages.
I talked with OW H and he wants to save his marriage but we are stuck.
My WH and OW are still going strong.
My WH is playing the role of husband and father to perfection since he asked for D. He said he'll always love me; but M was bad; doesn't know what the future holds but doesn't want to answer my ? of whether he loves OW. Don't know how to start Plan B when we live together and he wants to eat together, continue to do family things, calls me several times a day; etc. Please help me understand this better. I am going to a marriage counselor weekly since Dec. 2003; WH will not go; WH told me there is no chance for reconcilation.
Thank you for responding...I'm weakening quickly.

pvan,

Welcome to MB. Sorry to hear of your situation. The type of support you need know would be best served if you can do a phone counseling session with Steve Harley. Set up one ASAP. I know you have an MC but the Harley's are quite good in helping a BS go to plan B.

Now your H is being quite disrespectful to you by forcing himself on his family while caring on an A. Legal or not, if it is destroying you, you need to STOP meeting his needs. Do you know what they are? Let the OW meet them.....ALL of them. He needs to move out. Let the OW pay his way.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
Thanks so much for replying. WH refuses to move out; we had a temporary order hearing to request that he moves out and the court commissioner let WH stay in the house with me. It's very difficult, especially WH is being nicer to me and our 2 S's since he requested the divorce. I believe this is showing the 2 S's; that you don't have to be nice to the wife; until you have a girlfriend that makes you happier and then you are able to become a better husband and father. I have a letter from my medical Dr. requesting that WH moves out of home, because the living conditions are causing me physical problems. I will bring this up with my attorney next week.
Anymore information you can share with me is greatly appreciated.
Thanks again.

How terrible this is. I really feel your pain. But getting the expert's advice is the best. Talk to Harley.

We can help support you. See if OW's H can come to this site and start using MB program.

Also check out the 180's. I would also work on changing yourself, the only one you can change. And start getting a life without your H. Go out and do things with your boys, and go out with friends, exercise, develop interests, etc.

Keep posting here and we will figure this out.

Believer and lostnhurt;
Once again, thanks for replying. Right now I really need to hear from others; I have friends that support me but it's very helpful to hear from people who know the feelings involved in this type of relationship.

OW H - I encouraged him to get the SAA book; talked about the EN OW is missing; but after several conversations with OW H he is ready to turn in the towel; doesn't feel is WW will change for mind; basically; he is just stepping aside and letting her do what she wants. He does not use computers.

I printed out the 180 last night; and officially started it today.

I have an appointment with my MC today; the first visit I had with her in Dec. she recommended the SAA book; website; and I learned about the A being an addiction, etc.

I will get in touch with Dr. Harley.

When I make plans with the boys my WH asks if he can come, or why he isn't invited? So I include him thinking it is better for the 2 S's. When I didn't include him and the 2 S's heard they asked "Why don't you let dad come, he wants to." It's difficult; I am afraid to exclude WH; because I don't want S's to feel that I made dad leave because I wasn't nice to him.

Does this information help you understand my situtation. What more information would you like?

Thank you,

pvan - Sorry you going through this still. I read your response on the other thread. Often posts get overlooked, the trick is to post to yourself, and keep posting until we see it.

Many people are having a crisis right now, so sometimes new posts go to the bottom of the page. So anyway, doing the 180's will help. You will feel better and H will start noticing changes.

I would continue to invite him on family things, and try to have fun, without relationship talk, or LB's.

Believer,
Thanks for replying...this is the first time I joined a discussion forum; I don't know what you mean about posting to myself; if you have the time...please explain.

Yes, I see alot of people are in need of support...how sad. I do learn alot from reading the other posts.

My WH wants us to be friends and always be a part of my life, he can't imagine not being since he is 43 years old and we have been together 21 years. But I don't want to be his friend...I am his wife. I feel that his EN are being filled by myself and OW.

Do situations like this really work...WH and OW both have 20 year marriages; children; and neither WH W or OW H wants a D. Have you seen where the WH and OW really end up together as a M couple?

OW H first W had an A and they got a D. In that case, his first W is still married to the OM.

Thanks so much for reading this.

What I mean is when you post last and no one answers after a time, post again to the same thread. That will bring it up to the top. If no one answers, post again. Some of the forums move so fast that it is easy to get lost.

Most WS's come back to the marriage. The statistics are only 5% marry the OP, and of those, about 75% later divorce.

It would be helpful if you could give OW's H some things to read. He needs to fight for his marriage too.

Believer,

Thank you, I have talked with OW H several times and explained the SAA book and EN; however he is really at the end of his rope. They went to couseling and OW does not want to work on the marriage. He has not gotten the SAA book even thou I suggested it; so I was not going to mention it anymore; but you have renewed hope in me again...and I will give him a copy tomorrow.

WH said OW is in love with him; asked him if he was in love with OW; he said I don't think I should answer that. Asked if there was any chance of us reconciling...he said no. So at that point I tried to move into Plan B or some version of it because we live together and WH is more considerate than ever. (guess he is trying to be nice to make the D smoother)

It confusing for me to try the 180; because I want to do Plan A but I did Plan A and he responded but then he continued with OW; and talked about D all the time.

Does this make sense? I have so many thoughts I can't concentrate on just one thing.

Thanks

They all start out saying they are in love and there is no hope for marriage. But after awhile many change their minds.

Keep reading here and you will get the hang of what works and what does not. But keep in mind that the only one you can change is yourself.

Any updates?

Believer,
Thanks for asking. WH is still living with us; calls during the day as usual and wants to know what I'm doing; what is planned for the evening; etc. WH comes home at usual time and helps in kitchen, eats dinner with us...all the wonderful things you'd expect from a H...except he only started doing this consistenly since Oct when he wanted the D.
WH came home drunk Sat 3am; woke me up and was having a difficult time; worried about the D $; the custody; the business; doesn't think we have anything to build on; tried to reconcile (in his own mind) and still thinks it's impossible; said he'll always love me.
But I checked his cell phone and he called the OW at 2:48 am and I'm sure they were together the entire time.
I'm still hoping he'll reconsider; but I don't want to be too gushy; but today when he asked where I was when he called me..I told him in my car and he asked again where I was going...told him no place special...he said why don't you want to tell me, why do you want to keep things from me...I told him I don't want to keep things from him; but under the current situation I need to; and I wish the situation was different.

I know when he is forced to move out; that will be a huge lifestyle change for him and I can't wait to see if it makes a difference.

Thanks for listening,

It probably will be a huge change for him. But it will probably be good for your marriage.

PVan, Believer has good advice. Listen to her. I hope I can give good advice too. But I am as confused as you are. I just pray for you.

lostnhurt,
good morning and thanks for the support. how are things going for you?
pvan

Pvan, I am ok I guess. You know how we feel everyday. But we are here to support each other. hang in there.

PVan,

This is the first time I've read your thread. I won't offer advice because I'm not qualified to, but as a BS myself, I do feel your pain. My only thought is that if he is doing all these things right now and wanting to know your every move, it's going to be REALLY hard for him to deal with all that not being in his life if he does ever leave. Doubt he's thought that far ahead, but seems it should work to your advantage.

LL

lordslady
Thanks for responding; I am thinking the same thing; guess I am still trying to protect him because I feel that he isn't prepared for the dramatic change that is coming in his life. Right now I think he is just enjoying his lifestyle.

Yesterday he had an appointment with his attorney regarding a second temporary order hearing I scheduled for May 19; this temporary order will include detail reasons he needs to find different living arrangements.

I expected some discussion or angry outbursts last night as a result of this appointment; but to my surprise he didn't even mention it. So now I'm waiting for the bomb to fall.

Did your WH continue with the OW?

Thanks again, pat

Are you doing 180's and getting on with your life. Try to get busy soon, and let him know (by actions) that you are planning a nice life - with, or without him.