L&H

Please post if you do. And post some more. I am here for you, we are here for you. We only have each other. No one else understands unless they have gone through this. None of my friends on the outside understand. They all think I am an idiot for wanting my H to come home. Of course they only see my WH right now. They don't know that they are two people like I do. My best friend is getting married in June. My wedding present to her and her husband will be his needs/her needs book. I hope they read it together and learn from it. So they never have to have this happen in their lives. They don't understand anything I say. They tell me to just get over it and him. Easy for them to say, not easy for me to do. So far this is working the best for me. Glad I didn't wait any longer. I am not going to say it is easy because it isn't always easy. Out of sight out of mind. I just hope it isn't the same for WH.

My experience is that I see alot more of my WH since I've been in Plan B and going on with my life. Even with the slips I've made it is easier to talk to him now, because I am off the rollercoaster.

I am doing things to fill my needs. I'm looking forward to things again. It is great. I don't have that horrible sadness in my heart anymore.

I was in Plan A for several weeks rather than months and it was getting hard to keep my love for my WH so I decided with help from mortarman to go into Plan B when I recieved the following email from my WH


I wanted to speak to you anyway about my looking after the children be it at a weekend or when you're on call. My being away from home or Ria not being able to stay in the house when the children are their, is really putting a strain on our relationship. Although she says that she is okay with it, i know it's stressing her out and so it makes life really difficult for us. I really need you to consider letting them stay over mine, otherwise i think that if i continue to stay over i wont have a relationship to salvage, so i will have to give it a miss looking after them when you're on call. If i dont have the children on the Thursday then i am sure that me and Ria will have to come to some sort of compromise with regards to the children coming to the flat. But i want to make it work with Ria and i know all this is slowly tearing us apart.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't make you flip. I'm not saying that i don't want to look after the children, you know i will look after them whenever you want me to, but i need to be able to bring them to mine, Ria present or not, otherwise my relationship with Ria is going to be over.

I did not have a chance to give him the PBL as I told WH to stay away for the whole of March to give him time to decide if he wants a relationship with his children. I have a copy of my PBL all over the place but the time and situation has not been right to give it to him. I am sure that by the end of March I shall be able to give it to him but in the meantime I know I am in Plan B and have had NC for 10 days now.

What a relief it is, no more hassle, no more worries, no more wandering what WH is thinking, feeling, doing, no more jumping when the phone rings, life is so much more relaxed. The childen seem more relaxed and accepted that they will not see their father for a month.

I have just spoken to WH brother and his tells me he saw him last night for the first time in six weeks, WH seems to have abandoned his family also. It was my MIL birthday on Sun and WH was no where to be seen until last night. WH brother says WH looks terrible, lost weight but he won't confide in brother. WH did not mention OW at all his only concern was losing the family home and not having his rights. He cannot afford a solicitor and he has no money. WH brother asked for my advice can you believe it! I told him that there was nothing I could do that WH has to sort himself out and work it out for himself I was happy with my life and getting on with it going out socialising not sitting around waiting. I don't know if I was preaching to myself I quite surprised myself at how well I am it was as if someone had just switched on the light to the end of the tunnel. Everyone says how PlanB is for yourself to heal and work on you but I didn't really believe it would work but it does and you don't know until you are on the way to healing etc. Anyway I have gone on a bit now but just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. If it is getting too much to bear and your feelings are changing and you feel you could LB all the time then it is time to get out, time for Plan B.

Just so people understand when I am on call I stay away from home the night !!! I don't stay at home with my WH.

feelingit

I agree with you. The last time I saw WH I was an emotional wreck. I haven't seen or talked to him since the 5th. I am doing very good for myself. I have gotten some of the books recommended on this site, my kids are doing better and overall Plan B is working for me. I am actually rethinking the whole do I want him back thing these days. I am kind of liking living with my kids and not having to answer to anyone. My WH was such a depressing person even before the A and he wouldn't get help. It seems weird to be able to laugh with the kids again, and not have that elephant sitting in the room staring at us. WH really needs help for depression, I guess I didn't realize how down he was pulling me until he was gone. I am sad without him, but I don't miss all the down time I had when with him. I am glad things are going good for you. I hope things get better for L&H soon.

NY

Ny, thank you for thinking about me. I sure want to feel better. But I can imagine live without him. First, sending kids to school will be a problem. There are many other thing I can't do around the house. Especially that kids aren't happy. I don't know what to do. Just hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

L&H

I have the same problem around the house. I have learned to do it all. I take out the trash all the way to the end of the driveway. I burn all the trash. Take care of two kids, two dogs and a cat. Plow the driveway with the fourwheeler. Clean, cook, sew. I do it all now. And I have had two back surgeries and we have a two story house. I never thought I could do it all. You will find inner strength somehow. If you can't do it, ask a friend or hire someone. I got so sick of waiting for the railings to get put on, I am hiring someone finally. You will get through it. I know what you mean though. I never thought I could live without him either, and here I am, living proof that you can exsist without a man. Good Luck and you are in my prayers!

We are strong women. We can do this. The longer my WH is gone, the more I can do. After almost a year, I can do it all. There is nothing I depend on him for. And it feels good.

You know, before this I was a kick [censored] strong, independant woman. I always said I didn't need a man to take care of me and I could support myself.

Now, with my marriage going to hell in a handbasket, I have become this whimpering, tear stained mess. Gone is the woman who would've served my husband his balls on a silver platter for cheating on me. The woman who cries at the drop of a hat and who can hardly get out of bed somedays has taken over her body.

I hear about so many woman being so damn strong during separations and divorces. I am so proud of them because I had absolutely no idea how hard it would be.

ICAFM

You have to find your inner strength and pick yourself up off the floor. I was that way for the first 8 weeks, then all of a sudden this woman came out in me from no where. I said I have kids, I have to be strong for them. Esp. when D said I'm okay when you are okay. That showed me right there I had to be strong everyday so she can see me that in that way.

Icouldnotaskformore -

Are you doing things to take care of yourself? That is one of the keys. I was a mess when I first found out. But I promised myself I would take care of me.

First you have to make yourself do things. It will help your self-esteem which has taken a huge blow. You need to build it back up. Do things that you will feel good about.

Anyone that has come out of Plan B with a positive reaction can you please tell me how long it usually lasts and how you know when the fog is lifting? I have only been doing plan B for five days and I am doing fine. I just wanted some insite on how other peoples Plan B's went? How long did it take, how did you know? My WH is still deep in the fog and still in love with OW totally. Today was the first time he saw his own Son in 7 days and didn't even seem to care....I am just freaked out and amazed by all of this. I really think he needs help.

NY, ask Believer. If we count our days, it will be hard. Just keep doing it without any expectation.

Hi there,

Plan B is for YOU! Don't have expectations about him, nor a timeline, or it will drive you batty!

What are your long-term goals? What are you going to do with all this time you are saving by not obsessing about WH any more? What are your dreams?

believer gave you a list of stuff she did to keep busy...what's on your list???

For Plan B inspiration, I will direct you to posts by Just J...she's what I nicknamed the MB poster girl (although believer is doing an awesome job now too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )...what I mean by that is someone that jumped full-on into Plan B to make it work for them...and it has...if you read her thread, you'll see that gradually she found acceptance that her M was not going to work out...but she found inner peace herself...she's in a really rough situation in other ways, but she has lists...boy does she ever!

Things like how grateful she was at Christmas, counting her many blessings in life...firelight...tickling baby on rug...being tucked into bed by her cousin and nurtured when she was sick...she has found inner peace and happiness within herself...that's my point...

I am a bit of a crusader on this point...I believe that you NEED to find this too, we all do...it is the best thing we can do for ourselves AND for our M...

continuing to focus on the M, anxiety, sadness, anger...they are simply not helpful at all...not now, not in recovery...

take the time and focus on yourself for a change...you are MORE than worth it you know...awed

For whatever reason, I never come over to this board, so just found this thread today.

ICNAFM,

As for your post from a couple days ago:

You know, before this I was a kick [censored] strong, independant woman. I always said I didn't need a man to take care of me and I could support myself. Now, with my marriage going to hell in a handbasket, I have become this whimpering, tear stained mess.

This very thing happened to me. I took care of everything (except car oil changes, scooping snow, and mowing the lawn, basically, before all this happened. I can deal with all the family business dealings. I can deal with school. I can deal on a new house or a new car.

But when the A started and I realized I might very easily lose my 'other half', my entire life fell apart and I've been a basket case off and on for nearly 5 months now.

I'm much better than I was 2 or 3 months ago. Even though I don't exactly have an appetite most of the time, I can actually chew and swallow food again. I can go to work and do reasonably well. I am taking care of my bills. But he still pops to mind very frequently and I find myself wondering things like "will he come back, does he still love me, is he thinking about me and missing me like I miss him, what are he and OW woman doing?" And when I let these thoughts get out of control, they can really wreck a few days!

LL

The way I look at it, whether they come back or not, we still have to go on with life. And I intend to have a good life. I've already spent enough time being miserable. Now I am going to be happy.

If WH comes back, fine. If not, I will build a new life without him.

Believer you hit it right on target. I am in the meantime right now. Working on myself, making me a better person. If comes back I will be a whole lot different then when he left, if he doesn't then he won't get to know the new me, the better me and that will be his problem and his loss.

Life does go on and kids don't get younger they get older and someone has to be there for them.

NY,

Still doing well in Plan B? What's on tap for the house refurb this weekend??

I'm very upset about what I thought was fog lifting and then everything slamming back down last night and me getting my head bit off. Perhaps I should go to MY garage with a couple big garbage bags and just start tossing anything that doesn't look important (or that I don't understand it's purpose)???

LL

LL

I am still in Plan B and doing great here. Sorry to hear you are not doing so good. I wish you had stuck to the real Plan B and you would feel so much better I think. It is hard, I will tell you that, but with time it is getting easier and easier. It almost like he was never her to begin with anymore. I have no idea where he is or who he is with. I don't keep tabs, I don't follow him, I know nothing about him at all. The funny thing is, I don't care anymore. He isn't the man I married and until he is, I don't care to have anything to do with him. As long as he keeps paying the bills here at the house, I don't care about any of it. Keep your chin up. Things will either go one way or the other.

NY

Sounds like you are doing fine in Plan B. I do very well, except WH comes around every 10 days or so.

It is very peaceful getting off the rollercoaster. I'm like you, I have no idea what he is doing, and I don't care. It makes it easier to get on with life.