Very much so Believer.

My in laws are coming this morning and I am sure that will bring many tears. I miss them so much and so do the kids. They always treated my D as one of their own, and she has felt very left out. I am glad you are doing better today also.

NY

Hello, yes, I'm the Plan B poster child. Can't say that my marriage got much good out of it, but I have. I'm 'becoming unmarried' these days, slowly but surely. I wish I didn't have to, but I understand my own process of moving on and I understand that it's unlikely that I'll be able to stall myself forever.

I haven't yet been on a date, though I did finally join Match.com. I don't really want to date so much as I want the comfort of adult company, of conversation, of holding and being held.

But I have to go through the dating part to get back to that state of intimacy. I understand that even though I don't like it.

I would like to finish my business with WP before I begin that process, and I suspect I'm self-sabotaging my attempts to begin dating right now because of that. That's okay, too. I'm not in a rush, though occasionally my entire body feels like it's being magnetically pulled to kiss the guy standing next to me in the elevator. (I resist when that happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

At the end of December, I will be contractually able to enter into a marriage or civil union. My real goal right now is to be able to do that in other ways. Head clean, heart clean, finances clean, etc. Having a candidate on hand is not as important to me as having created an environment where that's something I can be open to.

So most of my effort is focused there. And on small things -- the indentation that my wedding band made is slowly leaving my ring finger. This is what the end of Plan B looks like. The slow fading of the last signs, on your body and in your mind, of the marriage you had and the agony of its end.

Yesterday I went through a momentary rage at something my WP wrote -- she mentioned having OM act in a parental capacity toward our DD sometime in the future, after the limit on that is over. It burned me for an hour or so, a seemingly endless time when I wanted to rage and scream and call her all kinds of names.

I didn't. I replied to the one thing in her note that had to be answered, and left the rest of it for some other lifetime, for some other battle to be fought by someone else.

Her life is hers, and while she may think it's okay for OM to act as a parent to our DD, I don't have to give up my time (which was what was being asked for) with DD so that WP and OM can go on a little trip with DD. It doesn't matter that the Parenting Coordinator thinks it's okay. I still get to say no, I won't give up my time with DD for that purpose.

I envision many years of saying no to that kind of thing. Bummer for WP and OM. But healthy for DD.

Just J

I appreciate your honesty. I also am not looking forward to the dating scene. I started to go out to meet friends one night, got lost, freaked out and thought what was I doing going in the first place. I cried all the way home and the rest of the night.

My indentation is slowly going away also. 7 years is a long time to wear it and then just set it aside. It is hard, I do not see Plan B working for recovery for us either. I may be wrong, but my WH is very stubborn and falls very hard for women.

I hope he comes around before I don't want him to. I also am not looking forward to OW meeting my S and having a relationship with him. Neither are WH parents. Time will tell what happens though.

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY, I am glad you are doing well and your brunch went well too. Keep you in prayer.

L&H

I pray for you also. Sounds like things might be looking up for you though. I hope so!

NY

NY, I just hang in there. I have to book the tickets before he changes his mind.

Lostnhurt -

Hope you are still doing well. I know what you feel about feeling calm, but expecting something else to happen.

You are doing very well so far. So just keep it up.

I have read this thread with great interest...I too was like all of you but Believer you have given me so much hope for the future with your posts...at first I could not sleep at nights wondering where WS was and what he was doing...then someone suggested to me that one way they got through this was this concept...if your WS had passed away you would still have to put the pieces of your life together and move on..when I go to bed each night I say to myself ..WS is gone and that helps me to sleep...I am now sleeping through the night and with a month of no contact I am on the raod to recovery focusing on my friends and the wonderful support I have...

NO

Thanks for replying. I too look at it like he is gone for good. It was hard the first few days, I cried like hell. But now with all of his stuff gone and not seeing him, Plan B really is for me. I am not going to say it is always easy because it isn't, but I am taking care of me now. I am a far better mother than I ever was with him here that is for sure. He really brought me down in so many ways.

So many things would have to change before he would ever be allowed back in my life again. I refuse to be with someone who acts like an elephant without a trunk. No humor, no laughter, no nothing. He is virtaully dead inside with depression, and that would be the first plan of attack. If he wasn't willing to do that, he wouldn't be coming back. Life is too short to live with a downer like he was. I am an extrovert, I love being around people and talking. He likes watching tv and sitting around or in the garage. By himself.......great fun. Anyway I am glad you are doing good. Keep on going. Plan B all the way!

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NY, good to hear you are doing well. Keep it up.

lostnhurt....WS is a control freak ..from finances to down to what channel we watched on TV...now that Plan B is in effect he hates the fact that he cannot control my every move and worse than that hates the fact that with no contact cannot find out what I am doing...it is nice to be in the driver's seat for a change...you have to take back control of your life...WS is still coming up with excuses to blame me for the breakdown of the marriage and they are getting pretty silly now...the bottom line here is until he faces his own demons nothing will change for us...he is a very private and bury your head in the sand type of guy when it comes to all the hurt and pain he has caused me, his family and friends and the lies that he still tells is pitiful...this is not the man I married and I stress to him that the man I want back is the moral, credible, family orientated man I married ...will he return to that state...only he has that answer...in the meantime I will work on myself day by day getting stronger and confident in the woman I am becoming...

NO

I am with you on all of that. Read my post in Questions II, about my WH calling me today. I am a better and stronger person than I thought I was now.

NY

NO and NY,

You two seem to really be strong and have it together. I really wish I was a stronger person, or could make myself have that outlook on life. I feel rather wimpy most of the time.

I'm glad your Plan B's are having the effect they're supposed to on you. Had I have done Plan B correctly when I tried on 2/25, I would have been a month into it now and would have probably been feeling better. Can't change the past, though.

I just keep praying that this A is ended or burns itself out before I burn out, and like NO said, that my decent, moral (or in his case, semi-moral) H reappears. The way he is right now is NOT the man I married.

LL

Hehe. I'm off work this coming work. I'm goint to enjoy myself and do what I want.

WH was a sports nut. So since he has been gone, there is no football in my house. Also I got through March madness without watching a single basketball game.

I cook when I want, and sometimes not at all. My money goes for things I want, not things he wants. Really it was just like someone here said -He was a giant flea, sucking the life out of me.

Lordslady and NY...I try to be strong but I have my days...it is tough to be on my own faced with an uncertain future but come from strong stock...my maternal side right down from my grandmother were strong woman...my father died fairly young leaving my Mom to figure out a way to raise three children at home...she did it and is my mentor ...we have several talks about how she coped but she states what I am going through is much worse than death for her...she had her children at home to take her mind off her situation...I have none but I take it day to day...my WS picked up the grandchildren today and took them out to breakfast...my DIL has not spoken to him since the last time he promised me he was committed to reconciliation and called me over the phone to tell me he was going back to OW...my son is so hurt by all of this and my heart aches for him to be in the middle of all of this...it is hard for me to be me but I suspect knowing number one that the woman he is seeing now has no respect from Jo Public because of the fact that she carried on an affair with a married man and willfully lied to her children that he was not married says volumes about her..son and his wife will not allow grandchildren to be in her presence or near her problem children..therefore hubby does not dare take grandchildren anywhere near her and has to take them out on his own...as Dr.Phil states..."How is this working for ya WS" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...I definitely would rather be me than WS just knowing he is facing all these issues...

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Hi, I am new to plan B.

How do you handle visitation with the kids?

I can't burden my family with being in the middle so that I have NC with H, but on the same hand I don't want to be around H.

I do not trust him to be with the kids without me. He has never really taken the kids without me anywhere.

Any suggestions would be great.

What if H comes home and refuses to leave and won't stick to my boundery?

I don't have anywhere to go and my boundery is to stop contact with other woman (there's more than 1)

How do you handle visitation with the kids?

Decide when your H can see them. Write down a schedule. Give it to him with your Plan B letter. If he has problems with it, he can negotiate THROUGH YOUR INTERMEDIARY. Not directly with you.

I can't burden my family with being in the middle so that I have NC with H, but on the same hand I don't want to be around H.

Check out Penny Tupy's site -- she arranges for e-mail intermediaries for all information that needs to be passed back and forth.

I do not trust him to be with the kids without me. He has never really taken the kids without me anywhere.

Uhm, they're 3 and 6? It's probably time he learned how to do that.

Any suggestions would be great.

When he picks them up, don't allow him to come into the house. The kids go out to meet him, he doesn't come in to gree them.

What if H comes home and refuses to leave and won't stick to my boundery?

1. Leave.
2. Call the police if he becomes violent.

I don't have anywhere to go

Then stay in your home. You can do this.

and my boundery is to stop contact with other woman (there's more than 1)

Uhm, well, yeah! That's a pretty reasonable boundary.

Well I guess I need to feel sorry for myself (a little). I have 8 grandchildren who I was very close to. When WH got a girlfriend and I refused to take him back, I lost all contact with my grandchildren. WH's kids blame me for not taking him back. I think that this is what hurts me the most.

What's the objective of keeping WS from physical contact with the house?

One only option I really had was for H to visit with kids inside the house and I would go shopping for a couple of hours.

What do ya think?

"Well I guess I need to feel sorry for myself (a little). I have 8 grandchildren who I was very close to. When WH got a girlfriend and I refused to take him back, I lost all contact with my grandchildren. WH's kids blame me for not taking him back. I think that this is what hurts me the most."

Sorry I cannot find the click that says reply with quote <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Believer...I am so sorry to hear this...this is so unfair...I know that my two grandaughters give me the strength to carry on...when I go visit them they run to me clinging telling me they love that is all I need to hear to pick me up...I have their pictures of two little smiling faces on my nightstand and that is what I see each morning and night before I go to bed..they made a guardian angel for me for Christmas and I have that hanging in between their pics...I so wish there was something that could be done for you to change their minds...my hope is that with time when they see what a wonderful, strong woman you are those grandchildren will come to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />