Believer,

I feel sorry for you, too, about the grandchildren. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That doesn't seem fair, or right. (Of course none of this crud with the A seems fair or right, does it?) I hope they can see in time that it was not your fault but the decision(s) made by your WH that put you in this situation, and that you will be able to reconcile with them.

I agree that kids/grandkids would be helpful in this situation. I do have kids, but they're teens so they're either off doing their own thing, or DD is trying her level best to make my life a miserable Hades. When I separated 12 years ago, they were just little, and it does help to have a little child (of your own, or a grandchild) throw their arms around you and say "I love you". I don't get that anymore.

LL

Well I still have my two boys - 18 and 21. They are good sons. I see them everyday and they invite me to go fishing, or whatever they are doing. So I am very blessed there.

Also I have kids in the neighborhood that I do things with. And I have an "adopted" grandson. He is 2. His parents don't speak very much English, so I have made it my project to teach him, since he is just learning to talk.

Believer, is it very nice of you to teach a little boy. I don't see how all these WHs throw the tresures away. I need to learn from you. I am weak again.

NY, how are you doing today?

Not good! I posted over in GQII. Plan B is so lonely. I am completely in the dark. Totally, no words, no sight no nothing. Just feeling sad. I had a very lonely and terrible weekend by myself. I had hard time. IC says is will get better. I am waiting for it to get better, tired of spending my Sat. nites crying at the computer alone. Dating is starting to sound good.

NY

Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances...I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position...what the hell does that mean?...is he so different from other WS here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..he states that he knows he cannot go on living like this and hopes that things will become clear for him..meanwhile he is drowning himself in his work...I told him that is good but at some point in his life he has to decide where he wants to be in 20 years...(we have been married for 30 years)...in a stable family environment...with family and good moral friends that love him or alone...I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on..is that what he wanted?...just gave him some thoughts to digest...personally I am getting tired of waiting for him to find himself...he may want to stay in limbo forever but I am not willing to do so for long...are there any statistics here for success in regards to:

1) long term marriages 30 years or so that have recovered.
2) letting the affair die off on it's own...how successful is this?
3) coming back and going through withdrawl...we tried four times at reconciliation and each time he resumed contact with OW..very painful for me to go through false hope each time

His affair with OW started in June /02...I had no idea until I found receipt in our car July/04...he was very discreet...did not take her anywhere in public like restaurants, movies etc because we are well known in the city...just out of town and in little hole in the walls where no one would see them...OW frequents the bar scene and he met her one afternoon crying in her beer when he was booking his band in...he felt sorry for her and asked if he could help (set up if I ever saw one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )...these OW know all the tricks of the trade <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> she was distaught because she had to place one of her children in a group home ( my point is what kind of a mother with three kids at home sits in a bar in the middle of the afternoon drinking beer?)...she stroked his ego (amongst other things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and made him feel important...why wouldn't she...she saw $$ signs as we are well known in the city and WS is a successful businessman...A started with both parties telling her children he was not married...WS stated he wanted to be a male role model for children..great role model the both of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..lying...teaching it was ok to hurt, lie, cheat and deceive the family hurting at home...OW cannot understand why she cannot control problem children...well dah..honey take a look at your lifestyle...allowing married men to sleep in your home with the children watching...( WS was not the first)...spending time in bars etc...well you get the picture...how difficult is it for Ws to chose A) OW and her environment or B)...a loving family, with two adoring grandchildren...moral and respectful wife, moral friends, years of history with many common interests, wonderful trips together, wonderful family gatherings of shared love...throw away 30 years of hard work where we are now at the place in our lives where we could have had the world by the tail...travelling, spending time at our Florida home..this is the first year in 5 that we have not spent the winter there...sorry folks I just don't get it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

I hear you NO. I am at a place where I am thinking divorce is the way to go also. I am ready to throw in the towel most days. Just waiting on some financial stuff. Infidelity is automatic grounds for D in NY, so I don't even have to wait on that. I just don't want to be one of those statistics that is sorry two years down the road over a D. For the other questions you have, post them over in general Questions, the experts know all the statistics over there. I know none of them. This roller coaster ride sucks for sure. We had a false recovery also and it hurt worse than Dday.

NY

NY,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't want to be one of those statistics that is sorry two years down the road over a D. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I admit I love my WH very much, I've had many moments (most of them in the last couple weeks) where the logical side of me has said "Why don't I just file for D and get it over with, and start living again." But then I come back to your quote above. What if I did move on, and what if I actually found someone, and even married them, and then my WH woke up? It'd be too late then. Would I regret what I did?

So I'm still hanging in there. His A has been out in the open for 5 months now. It's getting awfully close to that 6-month mark that SAA refers to, and I'm not very hopeful that it will end at that time. It'll probably be one of the few that survive in daylight for 2 years, or even worse, one that survives indefinitely. But for right now, I'm still hanging in there, because I know at this point I'd still rather try a little longer, than bail out and live to regret it.

LL

HopefulinNY,

I’ve been reading your post and it sounds like you were doing so well in Plan B. What happened that made you so sad?? Was it something in particular that triggered it?? I have been in Plan B since 12/1/2003 and it has been good. I won’t say there haven’t been difficult times, but you can get through them.

When I first started my Plan B, I was very good about being busy to keep my mind off my relationship woes. But with the holidays, it became a little difficult to stay busy as my friends were busy too with their families, etc. Without being busy or having plans I started to obsess about what he was doing, how his life seemed to be so perfect. I remember having a conversation with my intermediary and found myself saying phrases like “he gets to. . . .” Her response to me was and why can’t you??? I found myself not thinking positively and focusing on the negatives. She got me to start refocusing on me and what I could do.

One of the hardest things I had to learn to do is to spend time by myself and really enjoy that. For me it was difficult because I always had someone around (either him or the kids), but now I’m actually to a point where I can spend time alone. I happen to live near the ocean so this is a great place to go to think and it’s very relaxing.

You know all too well to keep busy in Plan B. I think at first it’s hard, because for so long you’ve probably been wrapped up in your relationship and the whole situation and it’s hard to think about going out with friends, etc. For me I have a distance barrier, but I did find ways around that. When I knew I would be “alone” (when my youngest son would be visiting his dad) I made sure that I made plans with people in advance so that my weekend was busy. This was really helpful. As I started to feel like I was wearing out my welcome with my friends I decided to volunteer at a local animal shelter. This gave me just another outlet that I could do when my friends were busy, and spending time with animals can make you feel very happy and good about yourself. The busier I kept myself, the less time I had to think about my WH.

I also am using my Plan B time to work on me. I started to dissect my life and see why things happened they way they did. Why do I anger so easily??? Why do I let people do certain things??? How to create healthy boundaries for myself. . . .then I bought book after book after book and I read and I read and I read. I never thought I was a controlling person, but found out that you can be without even really knowing it. Now I know a lot more about myself and I can recognize now when I am on a destructive path and I know more about how to change the behavior so that I don’t have the same outcomes.

I agree that you must do what is right for you. I used to think that once the divorce was final he'd finally be out of my life. But would he? Since we have children together the answer really is no. So then I had to make sure that whatever I was doing, I was doing because it was the right decision for me and my children. I never wanted to look back on anything decision that was made and wonder what if. I feel I have done everything in my power to save my marriage but alas, the WH is still in fogland with his OW. I have no regrets and if our divorce because final (which I believe it will based on his current actions) then I know I have done my best and can walk away and not wonder.

Time is an amazing thing and while it may not feel like it now, you will get to a point where you are happy/content and it won’t matter if your WH comes back or not. Not to say that you wouldn’t want that (I know I wanted him back for a very long time), but it’s definitely a process and as you move through the process and work on yourself you will become stronger, more self-confident, your self-esteem will go up and you will actually find yourself smiling and being happy! There will be tears, oh boy did I have tears, but I worked through them with the help of a lot of great people and now I can actually say I am a whole person again.

Listen to Awed and Just J, they know what they’re talking about. Both are full of inspiration and may challenge you from time to time, but it is those challenges that will make you grow and be a stronger person.

Schmink

Schmink, Your post is very inspirint. I always learn a lot from all these psots. Thank you.

NY, how are you doing today? Be happy.

Schmink,

Thanks for your post. It is only the weekends that I am alone that trigger my sadness. Also on the days when he comes to see S. I have made a conscious decision to file for divorce as soon as the financial situation is settled. It is what is best for me. I am not a forgiving person when it comes to something like this stuff.

I genuinely loved my WH more than anyone. But I put up with so much from him in the 10 years that we were together, when I look back now I was really stupid. He treated my D like crap the whole time she was growing up and I just sat there and let him. We fought constantly about it, but it never did any good. He didn't become a decent person to her until our S was born, then he realized how much you can love a child. During those years it was hard to be affectionate with him because of the way he treated my D. All those years of hatred and anger have built up inside of me and I almost left him a million times. I never did, and then this, the A.

This really is the straw that broke the camels back. I really don't want him back. I think for so long that I was just used to him being here, but he really wasn't here in reality at all. He is self centered and not for me. I wrote him a letter today (breaking Plan B) and told him that I hope they are happy, and that I am filing for D. So I will probably be posting on that site instead before long. Of course that wasn't all that I said in the letter. I am sure there were LBs and everything else. I got my point across.

If he likes trashy women, he can have her. I am moving forward now. IC has helped a lot, to find me. I am not just H's wife anymore, I am a person too!

NY

NY, I can see how hurt you are. HUG to you. I feel terrible now too. But I am still hanging in here. I think that i will die.

Howdy all.
I'm just starting plan B myself. Whole story is over at the Just Found Out forum.
Even with support of WW's family, all our friends, and church family, It's still very lonely. And I will suffer that and all the hurt for a long, long time. I still have the cat to talk to and play with, but he misses his momma.
I'm working with a marriage coach, and that is helping tremendously. Otherwise, I'd have no direction and probably be a wimpering, quivering, mess right now. Hard to get over how so much of plan B feels wrong, but I think I've conquered my doormat-itis. It helps that I'm not the only one that's going through this.
My friends (I never knew I had so many!) have been making the effort to get me out of the house so I don't stew in my own thoughts. Going back to work, and maintaining the house has helped me to cope. But the best so far is this web site and board.

New Outlook,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New Outlook:
<strong> Hi everyone...I have been in Plan B for about a month with contact only by email in regards to finances</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you send a Plan B letter?

I have sent WS a few posts here and he has read them but his response was some articles are ok but do not reflect my position
How does sending him articles have anything to do with finances to Plan B?

I told him that is good
How is this Plan B?

I also stated that he must know that I will find someone soon and move on
So you are going to date while in Plan B?

just gave him some thoughts to digest
You wrote that you only contacted him for finances.
Trying to educate him has nothing to do with Marriage Builders and is directly out of line with Plan B.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hi all,

I am planning on starting Plan B. Does anyone have a sample letter I can read for ideas?

thanks

I used the sample letter that is in SAA book. Then you can personalize it any way you want.

NY

Hello--

Reading this thread has given me good insight into Plan B. Helps me understand what BS goes through while in Plan B, so I know I am not alone. I went into Plan B a week ago.

Although my WH says the A is over, he is still working with OW. He wants the marriage back, but his actions are otherwise. He is too busy at work for M. He has moved out and NC. Plan B has been a relief for me. I was struggling with reconciliation because he is not interested in reading or doing anything positive to rebuild the marriage. Then Wham! Wham! Wham! I discovered that he has continued to lie to me the last 12 months. The lies revealed themselves one at a time, slowly and painfully. Couldn't take it anymore, therefore slammed into Plan B. With lots of prayer. Am trying to concentrate on other areas in my life. I have no idea what WH is doing. He says he'll write me a letter (when he has the time).

All I know is, there is no point for him to come back to the marriage if he doesn't work on himself. All I need for me is not to backslide in Plan B and look towards a better, future. WH's birthday is next week, and our 8th wedding anniversary is in two weeks. Do I care? Nope. Enough is enough. There's only so much cr*p I can take. It's much better to cry in my sleep than to be lied to over and over again. At least I know one day, I'll stop crying. I'll never know when he stops lying.

I am looking forward to being UnRuffled one day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ruffled,

Plan B is hard. Let's be here for each other. My WH birthday is next tues. and our 7th anni is on Mon. I have IC on Mon that will help me a little. I know all too well about lies. If you post over on GQII to ARK, she will tell you all about why WS lie, and why they have to for it to be a safe haven for the affair. You are doing right in Plan B if you were feeling not soo good. I have broken Plan B a couple of times and it is not good. WH is coming again today for a fix it job in the basement and then I am leaving when he is done. So hang in there, you go numb after a while.

NY

Hi NY,

I tried looking for ARK's post on WH's lies but couldn't find it. It must be more than 10days old? I couldn't find it when I click on ARK's number of recent posts button either. Is it possible for you to create a link?

Actually, I am beginning to feel quite smug and comfortable in Plan B. It's been a week. Felt enormous pain the first few days, cried myself to sleep, prayed a lot, but for the last three days, I am okay. Not on meds and have been catching up on my sleep too. Went to the gym yesterday and on top of that did two kilometers in the park with my girlfriend.

WH called yesterday (uggh! I have been avoiding his phone calls) and asked to meet this Sunday, so he can 'explain things about the $$ and why he lied about it...' Well to tell you honestly, I have no desire to know. I wouldn't be able to tell if it's more lies anyway. And why should I subject myself to more pain? I have just begun to get better and happier. I don't feel I owe him an audience, even though I know I should listen try to listen to his explanation.

All I really want to say to him is, 'Look. If you have no concrete plans to come back and make this marriage work, don't bother.' And I mean it. I want to hear a full and complete detailed plan in all areas of his life, with timelines. Not some wishy washy I will not do this I will not do that I will make it up to you kinda talk. I want to see the hows, the whens and I want him to be able to rationalize the actions he is taking. Is that asking too much?? I have put up with so much cr@p over the years, NY. If he shows no remorse and is not making true efforts, then can it!!

Don't meet WH this Sunday to listen to another "explanation". They get very wearing after awhile. My WH is like yours, says he wants to reconcile, but doesn't do anything about it.

Then when he is back again with OW, I used to listen to his reasons - "She just showed up at my door. What was I supposed to do?"

You will do much better in Plan B. Also he will know that his old ways no longer work.

By the way, if you are looking for old posts, go to search, and type in the person's member number. You will go back to all of their posts.

Hang in there and don't give up. We are here for you. And sorry for the threadjack NY.