I'm not sure if I need to be in here or in the Divorcing/Divorced section. I have discovered some renewed or ongoing contact between my wife and OM. I really wish to plan B her...BUT...my attorney said that if I leave the house, I may have difficulty getting back in. What I mean is that if this thing hits rock bottom and a divorce ensues, I will lose any form of argument regarding who gets the house.

You know, I really don't care about that though. It's my daughter that I'm worried about.

Unlike some Dads, I do not intend to lose my child. I will not accept the fact that, just because I'm a guy, I shouldn't be given the same consideration regarding custody of children in a divorce dispute. I will accept nothing less than joint custody with me being deemed the PRIMARY care giver. I have documented, for SEVERAL months, all of the things that I do regarding providing daily care for my daughter(who just turned 4), as well as my 10 year old step daughter. She'd never admit it, but I do the majority of the "menial", "day to day" tasks with and for the children.

I will not stand by and let the "status quo" dictate that she gets my daughter just because she's the woman.

I would like any thoughts on this. I'll re-tell any or all of my story for those that would like a little more info.

Thanks,

WD

walkingdead -

I love you already. Good for you for trying to get custody. So many dads just walk away. Do what your lawyer says to do. Do not leave. In the meantime, document everything that is going on.

Also check out the 180's here.

Sorry to read that your situation has taken such a major turn for the worse. Also that your in such a turmoil as to what to do about it all. Very tough spot indeed.

However, it is nice to hear you care so much for your daughter and want your relationship with her.

If you are thinking of divorce then your doing the right thing by following the advice of your lawyer. Especially, if you plan on a custody fight.

A question:
Are you really "over" this marriage and truly ready for a divorce, or is this post just a reaction to your renewed pain and hurt over your finding out about the continued contact?

Guess I have been truly blessed in that since the initial NC, there hasn't been any (as far as I know). Not sure what I would do or how I would react (most likely not well) if it ever did happen.
I am really feeling bad over this one <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and I will be including you in my prayers tonight. Cause if it could happen to someone else, it could happen here as well.

I honestly don't know if I'm over the marriage or not. That is not the issue. I love my wife and want more than anything to have a fabulous, intimate relationship with her. Not just physical, but spiritually and emotionally, as well.

She knows how completely devasted I would be were I to learn of this contact. Yet, she hides it. I have 100% proof that telephone contact is ongoing. I have snooped a phone call between her and a close friend where she confides to her friend that he does call and she does enjoy hearing his voice. She stated to her that there is no sexual inference in their conversations and that her once very strong feelings for him are waning. She is insistant that talking with him is nothing more than a friendship. And that, as time goes by, those feelings get less and less.

My concern is that this "friendship" is how her affair got started in the first place.

Another MAJOR concern of mine is that, considering all she and I have been through in the past year, how could she lie straight to my face and tell me that when he calls, she sees it on the caller ID at work and doesn't answer it.

If she would lie to me about this, where will it end?

I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill or not.

Back to the subject...My daughter is my first and foremost concern. If I have a lying, cheating wife, that's her decision and there is little I can do about it. I refuse to be penalized and stripped of what truly matters most to me simply because I wound up with a woman of low moral character.

Kentucky is a no-fault state, so my circumstances in relation to a custody battle are of little consequence.

Hi fella,

Have trouble with your name! Maybe you should get something a bit more upbeat, feel better about yourself. You do NOT want to be the walking dead!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have discovered some renewed or ongoing contact between my wife and OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Renewed contact is often part of recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Ups and downs. This is really hard isn't it? Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the ocean!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She knows how completely devasted I would be were I to learn of this contact. Yet, she hides it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No "but" here at all! She KNOWS you'd be devastated THEREFORE she hides it. What would your reaction be if she told you about it?

How do you want to cope with renewed contact? What do you want to say to her?

How well are you communicating in general?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She stated to her that there is no sexual inference in their conversations and that her once very strong feelings for him are waning. She is insistant that talking with him is nothing more than a friendship. And that, as time goes by, those feelings get less and less. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, this is excellent! You could have heard far worse than this!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My concern is that this "friendship" is how her affair got started in the first place. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course that is your concern. Does she understand this too? Do you feel she's starting up this A again? Or putting it to rest in her mind?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Another MAJOR concern of mine is that, considering all she and I have been through in the past year, how could she lie straight to my face and tell me that when he calls, she sees it on the caller ID at work and doesn't answer it.

If she would lie to me about this, where will it end? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the question isn't it? But have you talked about it with her? If so, what does she say? If not, why haven't you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I refuse to be penalized and stripped of what truly matters most to me simply because I wound up with a woman of low moral character. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here's what caught my eye and got me posting today: this is a DJ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If you feel this way about your W, don't you think it comes across to her too?

Are you meeting her needs? Maybe her renewed contact is because she is frustrated and lonely in your M (again).

Personally, I think you have hope precisely because of what she said. My concern is that you:
a) discovered it by snooping
b) don't seem prepared to discuss it with her
c) seem angry and distant which means the underlying M problems likely still exist

Until you both address them, this will be a problem for both of you.

Take heart. Think and post. Read up again on the concepts, and see if you can figure out a way to talk to your W. Honestly. Without anger. Without judgements. See if you can figure out TOGETHER what's happening and why.

Perhaps you shouldn't be starting by fighting (in your mind) over your daughter's custody??? Thinking that way will end your M in acrimony and bitterness. You've spent too much time and effort to give up without doing the right thing by your family.

Honesty. Discussion. Open yourself to vulnerability. You are vulnerable anyhow so why not just admit it and see where this takes you.

Hope this helps. A different perspective from others I realize...awed

P.S. I don't think renewed contact as you've described it is a reason to end the M. It is a reason to learn that communication problems exist, perhaps have never properly been addressed, and that you've got work to do.

You are far too angry for it to be the end yet...

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Awed,

Thanks for giving me some additional perspective. We all seem to get tunnel vision from time to time. I DO NOT want a divorce. I am just afraid of getting play the fool again.

I do have communication problems. I always have. But, you should have seen me 18 months ago!! I am a new man. That's why I don't understand why she would still be talking to him.

I'm in a predicament now. I don't know how to bring up this subject and relay relavent subject matter to my wife without telling her that I was snooping on her. Total LB that will probably blow up right in my face.

To be honest, things at my house have taken a much better turn as of late. Sometimes, after the kids are asleep, we talk for hours. I never did that before. Actually, I really like it. I'm learning to do things that I never knew were really important to my wife.

My wife told someone some time ago, that she and I had a "real life" connection and that she had a "different" more exciting connection to OM. What I have been trying to do for over a year is to figure out how "I" can become both of those entities. It's a hard thing to do when she won't fill out the EN questionnaire.

Listen to awed's advice. I think it is good. In the meantime try to go on with your life. The 180's are good because it will make your wife realize that you can go on without her.

Also spend time with your step-daughter. I always wished my H would spend more time with my boys, and loved it when he did.

It's pretty hard to compete with a fantasy, so forget about that. Just be your wonderful self.

Now that's a good response! Seeing that YOU have work to do on yourself...because I hope somewhere along the way, you accepted that she's the only one responsible for herself and her choices.

Here's another thought for you: do you routinely snoop on your W? Or was there something that twigged in you, made you get that gut feeling something was happening?

If so, then THAT is what you can talk to your W about. One of those nights when you are talking your hearts out, say, "honey I feel ______ (insecure?), kind of like I did during the A. I'm wondering how you are doing? Are you feeling a bit withdrawn from me lately? Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

Just an idea.

But if you are going to go this route, I would strongly advise that you first look at why you made the DJ above. There's a lot of anger there, as mentioned. I suspect your W is feeling that. Perhaps that is why she reached out to OM?

Even if not, you need to get to the root of your feelings before you talk to your W about this issue. Change your focus...love your W, don't judge her.

What do I mean by that? You want to work WITH her, not force her, to a close and intimate M. As long as you are threatened by her actions, it will be hard to truly move past your feelings and show her the love she needs to see, the acceptance she needs to feel.

Perhaps she contacted OM because she feels she is truly recommitting to you and wanted to test this out? I'm not saying this is right for her to do so...not at all!

I'm just trying to give you some thoughts that help you to break through YOUR fear, to re-orient yourself to try and understand your W, instead of lashing out.

I believe you when you say you've come a long way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Has your W come a long way too?

Recovery is for life. Valuing your M, treating each other with respect, talking out conflict...this never goes away. The A will fade in time. See this as a hurdle right now, a next step in your M evolution, not a devastating setback.

Hang in there...you sound better already...think positive...it makes all the difference in the world...awed

P.S. And keep venting here rather than with your W!