I have tried Plan A for 2 months now and the first month we were ok as in we were having fun going out and dating again but Valentine's day he got into a slump and have been pushing me away since. Though not all the time, I've LB'd(cry and anger) him lately because he doesn't want to let me in but every morning when we'd wake up we'll always kiss and make up. Last night we got into a huge fight where I told him that he'd better be on his own than having him there physically and not in spirits. He's been telling me this that he wanted to be on his own for awhile (he's claimed to have ended the A with OW which I am almost 100% believing) because he feels dead. He loves me and cares for me deeply but he can't restore the spark. Told him that the only way spark can be restored is if you put in LUs and not shoo me away everytime I tried to deposit. He's been trying to be nice to me take me around but most of the times I do not feel him with me and could also feel some anger. Think that he's still at the withdrawal stage coz if I remember right their supposedly last contact was a month ago. He said he doesn't want to be with her anymore nor with me at this stage so I agreed with him that it is the best thing for us to do at this point in time.
He will be looking for an apartment today or maybe moving out so I need some advice. Is this going to be plan B or still Plan A? I wanted him to experience living without us (son and myself) and really appreciate what he has and might never have again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Very very sad day...

Might be time for Plan B. Sometimes it is needed if you are starting to LB. Plan B is very pleasant when you get the hang of it.

Thanks believer, am very mixed right now but I know that I will be stronger and he will have a clearer head and hopefully come back to us. Have been readying myself for this time and with you guys here and God holding my hand and all of ours I know we will be ok!

Hey there...so sorry to hear the latest update... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

BF...I'll say it again: for Plan B to be effective, it MUST follow a good Plan A. You have not described a good Plan A above...you've described a hurting person lashing out at WS in withdrawal...ain't gonna work...

Why can't you give him space? What fear is driving you to invade when you know he can't meet your needs yet? How do you think you are going to meet these same needs when you are in Plan B?

Part of Plan B preparation is to understand that you will be without this person for a while/forever. Figure out a survival plan for yourself in Plan B...you can probably use this to distract yourself from him and his moods right now. (School? Work? Friends? Physical activities? Hobbies?)

Use the knowledge that he'll soon be out of your life completely to motivate yourself into Plan A again until he leaves. Deposit LUs when you can, as you can, how you can.

For example, set a soothing cup of tea in front of him and walk away. Doesn't have to be hearts and flowers! Little things mean a lot. Remember: you want him to miss you, not feel relief at your absence. Do what HE wants you to do. Use your knowledge of what he likes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He's been trying to be nice to me take me around but most of the times I do not feel him with me and could also feel some anger. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's he doing and how are you appreciating it? Telling him? Showing him? Big smiles? Tears?

What's going on???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've LB'd(cry and anger) him lately </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know my views on this. Everytime you do, you set the clock back to 0. STOP.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last night we got into a huge fight where I told him that he'd better be on his own than having him there physically and not in spirits. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No no no no no...He is THERE! He chose to be with you. Thank him as you can. Be understanding..."I know this is tough on you".

Go about YOUR business to distract yourself from wanting him so much. I know exactly how hard this is to do. But it is doable nevertheless.

Do you want to save this R? Then stop sabotaging your own efforts!

DO NOT FIGHT!

Set a time limit, short, realistic. Okay? Then Plan A your heart out for that time.

Plan B is NOT because your WS is moping, and cranky. Plan B is because he cannot choose between you and the lover. And because you are losing your love for him as a result.

See the difference?

Hope this helps...awed

Awed18,

Am glad to see you post here again on my topic. I knew you are what I needed to get me back on the right track of Plan A. Yes, I fell off the plan because of my selfish demands, angry outbursts, and my great expectations.

He came home this lunch from being out to bringing his car to the shop and I guess he worked out as he was all sweaty and told me he was at Bally's. He was actually in a very good and light mood and it was good that I read your posting just when he was opening the garage. I responded in kind and we had a good lunch together with S. Kept some light conversations going too with him as he was bringing me out of my depression and helped with one of his shirts while he was ironing them. Thought he was out looking or signing a lease already but good thing about him is after a fight, he's always calmer and ready to try again which is how I sense it when he came home. Don't want to hope too much right now no more asking questions as to where he is going or calling him constantly when he's out. He volunteered to tell me just a min. ago that he's picking up the car and going to Binny's for wine tasting i said ok.

Awed, you're always right I know and I'm gonna restart my strategy again and stop obsessing about it. Actually while we were watching TV he commented about my feet being so delicate and beautiful that if only for that he won't leave me in a very playful and teasing tone. i just smiled and didn't put too much on the comment. Hey, need to polish my toenails maybe it will keep him here for awhile... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't know I guess this situation really makes one crazy one moment and evil the next! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

How am I appreciating his taking me out? Actually not as much because I would be ok one moment and then LB when he says or do something like rejecting my sweet and loving actions towards him...right there our evening is already ruined. Think I need to have a "cold" heart here to replace this too sensitive heart so I can stop LBing all the time. I would explain to him why I acted that way and he'd say that I can't rush my heart yet to feel the sparks. Now, what do you do in moments like this? Be angry, pretend that you're dealing with the fogged one??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He did choose to be with me and he's claiming that he's trying so hard but I told him it's not enough because your heart is still closed..blah blah...but would also appreciate the efforts. He feels frustrated that he can't do anything right in my eyes right now....I know what you guys are gonna say, ok praise praise praise when he does good but what to do when he does the opposite? Ignore??? be quiet right? but when I am he knows something's wrong and then he would ask me non-stop what he did,etc...oh I have to be a very good actress to stay on this course so I'll give this plan another chance. Patience patience patience!!!

I used to have a lot of hobbies which he used to complain about me spending too much time on them ie painting, crafts,etc, cooking (we're both newbie Gourmet cooks) so I'll get back on them. Need to take a shower now and put on those polish! Got to feel good about myself!!!Thanks awed!!! you're very inspiring!
BF

He's going out tonight with the boys accdg to him and though he apologized sincerely for last night's fight I don't feel comfortable about his whereabouts at this moment. Strange thing is I'm a bit numb and resigned to the fact that I don't own or control a person's actions and if he chooses to go the wrong path he'll live with that consequences.
He called about 2 hours after he left and my S picked up since I was at the mall and he just asked where I was. 10 secs that's it. Anyways, it's now 11 PM here and let's see if he'd behave without me calling him to remind him of the time.
I feel a bit liberated now that I have relinquished control to God. Imagine not called his cell phone the whole day he was gone running his errands!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Thing is he was the one calling all the time to let me know where he is. Reverse psychology is what he wants so I'll give it to him.
I am a bit numb though because am protecting heart from future hurts and pains so it's not good either. He was trying to engage me today in some conversations before he left for the night and I was speaking to him very calmly but quite passionless. It's tough because the real me is alive and always passionate about life. That's when he came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and apologized which he seems to be saying routinely now. I don't want to LB when he comes home tonight but I also don't want him to think that I'll be all smiles to welcome him home late at night. Maybe I'll keep calm and quiet. Am tired and sick this day from all these emotions. Went out to the mall and Borders and did some reading. Found this great realtionship book "How to make love all the time" and in it the author (female forgot her name) talked about the 4 R's that we all need to avoid. They are Resistance, Resentment, Rejection and Repression. It's an eye opener. Worth reading...
Was ready to meet a guy though but just too wrapped up with whiling away the time no one caught my attention <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I don't know just feeling like I really needed to talk to someone right now and hang out. Don't want to feel left out while he hangs out with his buddies and who knows the OW. Oh well, am done today, drained and sleepy...gnite all.
BF

Hi Awed,

Slept before midnight and all I know is he was coming in before 1 AM and telling me how proud he was to be home early. Yes, I was too lax to let him stay past that time before so it was really my fault but since he WFH M-F I told myself that he needs to see his friends for social interaction at least with humans. In short no LBs, just calm and fell asleep and he was pretty much sweet.
Woke up this morning with so much control (didn't I just give that up last night to God?) and peace and he was responsive and kind so it turned out to be a nice day, went to church and when we were entering it the lady told us that we were supposed to do the offering of the gifts as a family. Boy was he shocked because he's wanted to do that a long time and we never had the chance. Told him maybe someone up there has a message for us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
All in all it was a nice day ending this afternoon with some good sex after which he said he will go to the store. Ok he's been gone almost an hour (store is a mile away) so maybe guilt to the OW is creeping in and he's calling her???who cares!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I deposited as many LUs today as I can. She's not here so I will take A. She wants war, I'll give her war!
I did however was tempted to follow him but no I told myself you're letting him control you again so will have him go his merry way and will not LB anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Kinda like it Awed!
Will post again for update...

Glad you had a nice day. I think awed is probably right. It is just so hard not to LB sometimes. I have been in Plan B since September and when I do talk to H, have no problem not LB'ing anymore, but mainly it is because I just don't care anymore.

My life is going fine without him. That makes everything so much easier.

Update: Came back 45 minutes later and stupid me to suspect that he was you know probably on the phone with her coz he came back with wines, grocery stuff and he said spent quite a while looking at his wine dept. Ok no LB again for the rest of the night and we watched Seabiscuit - beautiful movie. All in all it was a great day for just depositing LUs. This is one important thing in this Plan A that everyone should follow. NO LBs ever!!!
I know I will fall again but at least I can come back to my post to remind myself of this important lesson. gnite to all!
This is a day to day struggle/victory so I will cherish every moment that I have overcome my anger and resentment coz this is the only path to loving again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And if the LB's have to come out, remember you can always post them here. That might help. When you feel like LB'ing, bite your tongue and think "That gives me something to post on MB". We will listen and not get offended.

Believer and Awed,
Thanks for all your constant reminders and nudging my friends. Sometimes we expect too much from them and not concentrate on what we can do best which is not to LB and show compassion and understanding! Thanks for always listening and caring.
BF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BF...I'll say it again: for Plan B to be effective, it MUST follow a good Plan A. You have not described a good Plan A above...you've described a hurting person lashing out at WS in withdrawal...ain't gonna work...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never got a chance to do a good plan A
Now he's gone but when he's here with the kids or I talk to him, I try not to LB. Will this help with Plan B?

posted on wrong thread...will be back here to respond shortly...

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>