I guess my wife has had alot on her mind lately. This afternoon when she cam home from a short shopping trip - she tells me she is so overwhelmed and cannot make sense of anything - she cannot see her life in the future - is totally unhappy now - wants to be free - wants me to just leave - she wants to start over with someone new who doesn't know her past - someone she can be happy with whose family loves her (she's not gotten that from my family) - says I should just go back to my family - that I should start a relationship with someone new - she cannot let down her barriers to trust me not to hurt her again - that she thinks our relationship could get better for a while, but will go back to being the same as it was before - that she wants to be able to have sex with passion and that we won't be able to do that (because of trying to have a baby and sex just becoming only about having a baby).
She said we should just sell the house and she will give me whatever I want - just as long as we end. She said she can't get over the resentment and anger she feels towards me over things in the past. I asked her if she would at least go to the counslor with me and say the same things - see where he thinks we are at this point. She said no, she would not go.
Could I have still have it all wrong?? I think I am doing the right things, but she will not let down the barriers and trust me - will not let me in.
I have to go out of town for a few days - leaving tomorrow. Who knows what she will say when I return. I'm just going to stay the course - I can't believe she could just give up on us so easily because of a really rough spot.

Well, I am now out of town for the next three days and I am waiting for the other "shoe" to drop (again). I am on the west coast and she is on the east coast - how wonderful for her. She now has 3 days of "freedom" and doesn't have to feel like she is under a microscope. I am still wearing my wedding ring, but she ditched hers many months ago. It is really hard to keep wearing the ring, knowing my wife doesn't want to ackowledge our marriage - or be part of it. I want to start writing my feelings in a journal, and don't want to have to hide it. I don't want my wife to find it, read it, and have my thoughts become a LB. Having to hide a journal, "snoop" to get intel on what she is doing - all of this seems to fly in the face of honesty. I have always thought of my wife as a deep thinking person - how can she be so deep, yet so shallow when it comes to her 13 year marriage. She continues to tell me that the way my mother has mistreated her is one of the main reasons she wants a divorce. She says she wants in-laws that love and respect her, and cannot get that being married to me. I've already asked her "If my mother died tomorrow - would that fix our marriage?" I say no, not after what she is telling me about feeling trapped and needing freedom. It might eliminate hurt coming from the relationship with my parents, but it does not fix her pushing me away and saying things like "I want passion & romance" and "I don't feel any passion, or feel romantic towards you". It certainly does not explain why she would tell me she will leave if I question the guy I suspect she is having an affair with about the nature of their relationship. It does not explain the note she wrote about being "passionately involved" with a married man. It does not explain why my wife refuses to have sex with me - I was deployed almost a year - believe me, I am ready for a passionate,romantic sex! It does not explain why she would even ask me why I don't seek out another woman. I am really fighting resentment. Just the other day she makes it clear that her cell phone bill is HER cell phone bill. My bills are still OUR bills. How do I handle my building resentment - I have read SAA and HNHN and think I am doing a good job, but I am having trouble with the feelings of resentment, anger and her constant lying/protection of her relationship with the OM. RATS- this sucks!

Apache,

I'm no expert at all, however you really need to read the Harley's book "Surviving An Affair".

Everything she is telling you is basically the same stuff we BS's all hear.

You can order the book here but until you receive it I highly encourage you to read,read,read the website about infidelity and how to overcome it.

You will find tools to help you cope and bring your WW back into the home.

Start right now, this very minute.

It will bring some focus back into your life and help with your self-esteem.

There are others here that know much more than I do and I'm sure they will pop in to offer some assistance, but you need to get moving and read.

Stay strong, don't give up.

BrokenHubby

apache -
It takes some time for the program to work. Also I suspect that she is still seeing OM. That is why your efforts are not being appreciated.

I would stay in Plan A for a while longer, and talk to OM or his wife, if he has one. Later you can go to Plan B. Sometimes that is what it takes.

We are all pulling for you. Hang in there and don't give up.

Apache,

What your W said was exactly what I heard from my WH. It is just like they copy from some books. Probably that is their mind set. It is very tough. But all you can do is to hang in there. I've been doing it for more than a month now. My mood is getting better, and I am stronger. So many poeple here are so supportive, especially Believer. You just got to hang in here.

This weekend has been just great! Yesterday we went to see the musical "Mama Mia" - what a great show. The we went out to dinner and walked around the mall. We had a great time and today my W said she has had a great time over the past few weeks - that's the first really positive remark she has mentioned in a while. I went to see the MC on Thursday night (by myself) and it was good. My W was at home when I got home and wanted to know all about it. I just said it really helped being able to go and I was glad I'm doing it. Her eyes got "teary" (I have noticed this a few times when we are talking) and she just said she was happy for me.
She still continues to talk about things as if we have a future, but then usually stops in mid-sentence and when I asked her to finish, she just says "oh nothing". I often wonder if she is thinking about telling me (about the A) but then stops when she realizes how painful it will be to admit it and then she will have to see herself "in reality".

I am so glad for you and I am envy you too. My situation is getting dowhill very fast. Keep doing it, you will be there.

I agree that one of the hardest things in this process is to become the giver and give and give and give, meeting EN, no LB. And never or rarely get anything back in return. That is the part that is discouraging. One minute you think you are doing a great job and getting somewhere then the next you are shot down. That's when you should come here or you will LB like crazy. Sometimes when I am alone, I yell and scream and cuss my WS. Saying things he is too fragile to hear right now, that would make him want to end the M and find someone else. I get it out, then put on my happy face and give him all the lovin's he needs from me! Maybe one day he will appreciate my efforts!