Hi -

I've posted a few times, but mostly just hover. I've recently found out a few things, and am having trouble dealing.

You can see the basic synopsis of my situation below my post. I have been in therapy with Steve Harley, and am continuing the best Plan A I can do (considering he doesn't live here anymore). When he came back in December, I installed some spy software and have only recently gotten the password.

Their emails turn my stomach. They are all mushy and sex driven. The two things I've learned from the emails are: 1) he is still conflicted (and they fight about it) 2) things are not all wine and roses over there.

However, I also found that he visited a website for sexy personals. Further digging revealed that he had been to match.com as well. I don't know how to take this. This is so far removed from the man I married...I just don't know.

All this on top of an email he sent to me yesterday asking me why I was so sure he was coming back to me. Why would he ask that? We haven't had any relationship talk since he moved out in January. He said he was in a funk all day yesterday - which is a good thing, right???

Some perspective is greatly needed and appreciated. Thanks.

I am in no position to give you any advice. All I can tell you is to hang on here. A lot of good advice will come. I truely know your pain, because I am a BS with lots of pain. Knowing that you are not alone. We are all here to support each other.

Bump

whb,

Believe it or not, his waffling is a good sign. If the A was great he'd be doing his best to give you all his stuff so that he'd be free and go skipping around like the emperor with his new clothes.

So you need to read SAA. Have you done that yet? Do so and then post.

Your d/d is still quite new and you have a ways to go. There maybe a few more false recovery attempts. Think ahead, how will you handle it the next time? What are your boundaries?

Do you have a plan B backup prepared?

L.

Orchid -

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have read SAA and HN/HN for Parents. I read those in December and have been doing my best Plan A since.

As for Plan B, I'm too scared to go there. I was supposed to do it when he moved out in January, but I just KNOW it will send him in the other direction. Trust me on this. And although I initially felt okay about Plan B (I did it for about 2 weeks, then the logistics of it got too hard. We have small children), I truly feel much better, more productive, when I show him how things could be. And I'm quite sure that is the only reason he's waffling.

You wouldn't know he's waffling from the emails they share. It's disgusting - it's all very sexual in nature, which makes me want to puke. And she's a talented writer, which makes it that much harder to read. Very good at conveying her feelings.

Logistically, I don't think the affair can last, but the waiting is oh so hard. And just like tons of folks on the board, I was completely blind-sided by the affair. We had just come back from vacation together! We've always had a wonderful relationship - best friends. As a matter of fact, he states that as one of his issues - we're more like friends than spouses. "There's no passion" You've heard it all before.

I guess what I need are some words of encouragement. The OW is on her 3rd marriage (yes, she's married, too - and OWH knows of the affair), has 3 kids by two fathers, and has a long history of depression. On the other hand, she is independent (she left her children and her husband to move into an apt), career woman (I am a stay at home mom, a decision made by us both), tall and thin (I am short and stocky), etc. etc. Just a tall pill to swallow.

Advice, words of encouragement appreciated.....

Don't be too concerned about the OWs appearance. Her track record makes her ready for the recycle bin. Seems she goes from 1 short term R to another. She may be a good writer but she can't live well.

Also her looks aren't what is cutting it. So don't worry. You'd be surprised how ugly inside and outside some OPs can be when compared to the BS. So looks don't count.

As for plan B, that is a plan for you not him. Even with children a BS can plan B. I did. I limited contact and told him it w/b limited to 3 things: Mail, $$ and child visitation.

He called daily (several times) after that. The more I distanced myself the more he wondered what I was up to.

I know plan B sounds scary but for most it has been a relief. It was for me. Especially when they are waffling.

Realize that you are probably dealing with a psycho OW. Given that, you need to distance yourself so she doesn't take her anger out on you. Going to plan B may push them together....for awhile but it probably won't be for long. Your OW sounds like a shorttimer anyway. What plan B will do is remove some of the worry about them being together.... you know they will be together. You will then be able to find humor to handle this crisis and keep your sanity.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks, Orchid.

I have tried to convince myself that even supermodels can become ugly to someone, but it is something I battle. I know that I am a better person than she (just based on the simple fact that she left her children - and one of her children has been shipped off to her birth father because of the choices the OW has made recently), but I guess I am worried that if he does come back....well, you can guess where this is going.

I have decided not to read his emails anymore. It's a tricky tight rope to walk (especially since he doesn't know I have access), and I've already learned two valuable pieces of information. My curiosity may kill me, but those emails are pretty hard to read - and really, there's no point. If I ever mention reading them again, please remind me of this point! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I love him so much, and can't quite understand what's going on with him. He hasn't said word one to me about my dramatic weight loss and subsequent new wardrobe, or the great condition of our home (something he'd complained about in the past) - he doesn't really tell me much of anything. I miss my friend.

I get to certain points where it all seems too much, and what the hell am I doing to myself. You know, my children deserve a father who wants to be there - I deserve a husband who wants to be with ME. And I've had trouble digging my way out of those mindsets recently. So I made up a list of reasons why I wait for him. I have it readily available for these certain occasions. That may be a good thread to start....why we wait.

Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement - keep it coming!