I am currently implementing Plan A and trying to convince my wife to cut off contact with OM.<P>Any thoughts on whether I should tell her about Dr. Harley's book "Surviving the Affair" or the website? My hope is that both would help her to realize what made her susceptible to the affair and that a long term relationship with OM is unlikely. My fear, however, is if I do she will believe that I am just "following some plan" and not doing things from my heart.<BR>

At first when I came to this site, I thought the only way our marriage could be restored is for my husband to do his part. What I have discovered is that my behavior has a lot to do with his behavior.<P>The support I receive from participating on this forum is support I can receive no where else on this planet. Would that support be compromised if my husband was reading my posts and posting his own? Probably. Probably, because there are many times I need to vent - and he would be absolutely shocked to realize what I was thinking. Until I completely naturalize the I feel statements as a habitual way to communicate, and learn how to resolve my feelings without the forum, would I want him to participate.<P>Reading books? Fine. Posting to my friends? No.

TnT makes a good point: you can get a lot of prgress done through your own change of behavior, and if you feel you need "privacy" to work through stuff, then don't tell your W about this board.<P>However....My H and i are soooo distant, that i suggested he come here so that he could see what i feel and vice versa.<BR>He finally did come here. First thing he did was tell me i was "all wrong", and i should not feel that way, and i was just bull$hitting for attention. I was totally calm, told him there were some posts where i did take responsiblity for our problems (including a brief internet affair), and that yes, this really is how i feel. I also read his lengthy profile, and still cannot believe some of the things he says, and think he is justifying himelf. But, i have been respectful of his heart, as he is of mine, and im beginning to feel there is a small crack in the wall between us. I hope he is too.<P>So, J, it is up to you. I might mention that i posted for a month and really worked through some issues before i invited him here, as i DID need a safe place before i could share with him.<BR>Whatever you choose, be VERY undemanding of her..just make mild suggestions about books and resources, and if she is seeing a change in you, she will be more interested in trying them herself.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>