I have read a bunch on this site...but haven't gotten an answer yet, so here goes.

I caught my wife in an ongoing online & phone affair. She now admits it and they both have told me they will stop the phone calls. She is still online and talks to him daily, about what I do not know.

She was confronted by me 5 days ago. She stayed offline for a day or two, then.....back online.

Here is the question:

If she does not break it off, do you throw your wife out of the house? (Plan B)? Or if she delays a total break with him, throw her out?

Because, she is a stay at home mom and has nowhere to go. We don't have the money to have her in a hotel.....what to do?

Did you read all the concepts here? Start a
plan A.

Basically plan A says, confront her in a calm direct non-demanding manner and see if she will break all ties with the OM. Correct? did that 5 days ago....also did it in writing, for her to keep to read later in case I was unclear.

Now I guess the question is, how long do you wait for an answer/sign that that is happening?...Not happening now....

I will pick up the book tonight.....but in the mean time.....all thoughts are consumned on this (of course).

Just haven't seen any posts/topics on a wife being asked to leave if she has said she wants to stay, but hasn't totally given up the OM.

Better, you're brand new so I would advise you to SLOW DOWN. Your W is the primary caregiver of your children and presumably doing a very good job in that capacity despite the A. I imagine she has stood by you during difficult times in the past or you would at least expect her to stand by you. I'm not saying enable this as it could drag on forever but I don't think you can throw her out. I would continue talking about this with her as long as she will open up. Ask her what she gets from it and try to see if you can meet that need. I know that all sounds so simplistic but there is something missing that she is looking for. Talk about it as long as she is willing to talk. Convey to her how much she is hurting you but in a respectful way. If you throw her out on principal it is certainly not guaranteed that she comes back. Plan B isn't that I gave you 5 days to figure it out and now you can sleep in a tent. I speak from experience. I have been cajolling a WS in an EA for over 2 years. Not the place you want to find yourself but proceed with caution if you want to stay married. I will try to watch your thread and continue to contribute from my personal experience and also what I have gathered from being here. Here's something to consider; I have been playing the fool for 2 years and I finally got W to start counseling with Harleys. You would have expected them to tell her to wake up and smell the toast. WRONG. It has been the exact opposite, a very gradual process and validating her feelings in order to get her on board with the program. I guess in short; DONT UNDERESTIMATE THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN. The decisions you make now may effect the rest of your life as well as your childrens.

WOE

Don't throw her out. Now is your chance to Plan A and try to win her heart back. If you don't do that then you will not have the best chance if you ask her to leave, plus it helps her to set up with the OM. Win her back while you can, while she will still let you. I didn't plan A very long or very good and now I don't think I will get my WH back.

Just a thought....
How about throwing the computer out????
Or at least letting someone borrow it for awhile??

Hi, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I was in a very similar situation and just starting to recover from it.

You need to be in Plan A. Part of plan A is negotiating the end of the A. But it is more than that. It is a strategy to end the A by exposing it to the light of day and making yourself the most attractive alternative when the A finally ends. It is a process and it will take some time. If you have not you must eliminate love busters (LBs: actions that take away love, angry oubursts, disrespectful judgements etc). Also find out what emotional needs (EN's) are not being met and do your very best to meet them if she will let you.

Exposure is also part of plan A. Affairs thrive in secrecy, once it is exposed she will begin to see the truth of the situation. My mistake was to not expose the A and it dragged on months longer than it should have because of it. She needs to see the consequences of her actions, she needs to know how her A affects you and how it will affect her children.

You are a long ways away from plan B right now. Our instinct upon finding out is to throw them out but without doing a good solid plan A first it won't be as effective. Expect to spend up to 6 months in plan A. Yes. It is hard. It is one hell of a rollercoaster ride but if you look around here you will find plenty of people that have saved their marriages. first they had to give and give and give. It's not fair but it does work.

I think walkingoneggs has it right. It takes a lot of patience, a lot of talking and validating her feelings to get her on board. I don't know what she is telling you but try and remember, you are dealing with an addict, she is addicted to OP and will try hard to hang on to her addiction.

Please take care and post here.
J.

Ok, ok read a bit on Plan A. Don't agree with everything, but I have been reading many books on the subject of infidelity and restoration.

I wrote her a letter 6 days ago, basically saying that I loved her, and that I knew everything about her most recent affair. I stated that if she wanted to stay with me, it needed to end. I know I could not force her or control her, only she can do that, but that does not mean I have to accept another man in our lives.

After two days she stated she had no intention of divorce or leaving me. She stopped calling him but I think they still have contact online.

As for the computers, we have four (my hobby) and I tried throwing them out a few years back because she was spending too much time on it, but it caused her to leave last time. ...I may get rid of them, just don't want another crisis at the moment....perhaps that can come later after a commitment to restoration?

I have read "Love must be tough" and now on this book Surviving....sand praying a lot....have a few male friends to confide in as well.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for the computers, we have four (my hobby) and I tried throwing them out a few years back because she was spending too much time on it, but it caused her to leave last time. ...I may get rid of them, just don't want another crisis at the moment....perhaps that can come later after a commitment to restoration?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long ago was this? was there an internet affair going on then? Leaving over computers being throw out seems a little extreme and could point to internet addiction. I know there is at least one person here whose internet addiction lead to internet EAs. Perhaps counseling for her would be a good idea.

Are you looking into marriage counseling it can help even if you are the only one going at first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jgnc:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for the computers, we have four (my hobby) and I tried throwing them out a few years back because she was spending too much time on it, but it caused her to leave last time. ...I may get rid of them, just don't want another crisis at the moment....perhaps that can come later after a commitment to restoration?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long ago was this? was there an internet affair going on then? Leaving over computers being throw out seems a little extreme and could point to internet addiction. I know there is at least one person here whose internet addiction lead to internet EAs. Perhaps counseling for her would be a good idea.

Are you looking into marriage counseling it can help even if you are the only one going at first. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am looking into counseling tomorrow, and see if she will come. Yes, there was another online affair (3 years ago)with a guy from another country going on, and she met up with him once and still has casual contact with him to this day( I addressed that in the letter to her)....so we have a past A history. The current A did not get that far, as far as I know it was just an EA online and by phone....D-day 6 days ago.

But of course, she can still use other computers(work/library/friends/family)....but removing them from home removes a temptation. But first we will get counseling, and if she works with me, we will work through this latest addiction.

Don't want to jump too far ahead and get things out of order.

Yeah, you're probably right about holding off on getting rid of the computers at this point in time. I just say that because cell phones seemed to be a source of frustration in my R so I cancelled his. And it ended those fights.

Boy I wish I could throw 'em out now.....would give us a lot more time to work things out.....

Maybe this is something that you could discuss in counseling either alone or with her.

Believe me I wish I could have trashed my W's computer a few months ago. Fortunately all that was necessary was for her to block OM's email and chat ID. Not being able to see messages from OM made it easier for her to keep herself from initiating contact. But before that happened I had to install a keylogger on her computer so that I could know when she was lying to me.

Have you thought of exposing this to friends or family? It is good to have friends you can confide in. It made a huge difference for me, but I wish I had exposed the A to family and to OMW as it would have forced her to deal with the reality of the situation sooner.

The fact that she has a history of more than one affair would indicate that you are going through the same merry-go-round that you did before when you discovered the first affair. That is why I don't believe Plan A is going to solve anything because what you are dealing with is an addiction. Even if you throw out the computers she will find another way to contact her affair partners. In my opinion, she needs to hit bottom and see the serious consequences of her behaviour.

Even if it takes Plan B you need to do a good Plan A first.

Stay strong,

J.

working on getting a marriage counselor now. She is still in contact, and still chatting with him....she did agree to fill out the Emotional Questionaire...but didn't reveal anything stunning.

hangin tough, and waiting to get to counceling before re-stating that no-contact is a rule, not a suggestion......ack!

Should I re-install spyware? No clue what she chats about all night.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

All quiet on teh western front......it is strangely quite the past few days. Not sure where to go from here.

Like most men I always want to 'fix' the problem....but neither of us are working on it or talking about it at the moment.

Have some counselors to call, guess I will get on the phone, so I don't fool around and let this DRAGON fall asleep again.....seem like we are avoiding the issue to keep from fights....tensions is less, but the problem is still there. Still have this Dragon in our marriage.

She is back at it as far as i know.....not keeping track of how much talking they do, but she tells me about it.

We have an appointment with a marriage councelor next week.....maybe she will talk then?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No, not sure who to expose it to? Didnt want to burn too many bridges, and have family belittle it (the EA) since it was not physical(since I stepped in before they met).....etc...

Is exposing it beyond her and I part of plan A? Expose to family, friends? Humiliate her?

We are going to a marriage councelor next week, so that is moving in the right direction, I think.

and I agree its hard not having ANY EN's met now....yuck...really makes a guy want to go home at night.....welp gotta go home....back tomorrow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I were you I would find out what they are talking about. She most likely has logging disabled on her chat program so you will need to use the keylogger.

Yes exposure means exposing it to family and friends. You are not doing it to humiliate her, if that is you intention then don't do it as it is an LB. You are doing it to end the affair. Will it be humiliating to her, probably but that is the consequences of HER actions. She will definately be angry but most people here will tell you that anger subsides.

Personally I don't subscribe to the idea exposing to everyone regardless of concequences. I would choose people I could trust that would be on my side and tell her to end the relationship. All you have to do is tell them that she is involved in an emotional affair (internet,phone), that you are working to be a better husband by meeting ENs and want to rebuild the marriage. Ask them to encourage her to give up the EA.

I'm telling you this because I didn't and all it did was enable it to continue longer. Her affair exists in secrecy. It is a comfy little spot for her because it exists purely in fantasyland and she does not have to deal with the concequences.

Why would you not expose the affair? I came up with plenty of reasons, I did not want to embarrass her, I did not want to embarrass myself. Her family has a history of abusive behavior and I did not want to alianate her from mine. In the end the truth is, I was just afraid of her wrath and that she would leave.

If you don't want to humiliate her then you are only protecting her from the consequences of her actions.

If you want, post a question to the General Questions II forum asking about how to do exposure, many of the people here can really help you out with that.

So how are you doing in Plan A? how are the LB's? and how are you doing meeting her EN's? Are you telling her (without LB's) how the continued contact makes you feel?

J.