I've been in Plan A for about two weeks now. Husband has not had any contact with OW for about three weeks. We are trying to get back on the right track. It is not easy though, especially I'm having a hard time with the LB. I did good for the last week and I felt us getting closer, but sometimes it feels like this pain and anger just creeps up inside of me. My H has been opening up to me more about why he feels and while I try to learn from it, sometimes it just does not make sense and I feel helpless in what I can do. Last night, he said that it is not always easy to keep a marriage going for years and years. We've been married for 14 years now and he said that it takes a lot of work to keep things feeling new and exciting. He said that he would never take advice from anyone who has not been married him/herself for so many years because people just do not know that marriage is hard work. He also said that he never had any good male role models and that may have influenced him in his actions which he said were wrong and hurtful to me. I do understand the role model thing, but how I feel like I can never relax in my marriage. I always have to look at ways to improve myself, make myself more interesting, keep the relationship new and vibrant. He said that sometimes marriage can be a struggle to keep things new and vibrant all the time. Why does it have to be a struggle??? I don't want my marriage to be a struggle. I just want it to be normal - with normal up's and down's. I understand that it takes work, but it is not easy to compete with someone who only sees the chocolate side of my husband and lets him see just her's. Isn't that how life is? I love my husband very much; I still feel tingles in my tummy when we are together and when I know that he wants me, but there are also hard and sad times in our lives - like when family members pass away, financial problems, chores, bills... Wouldn't this be in everyone's life like that?

It is so exhausting having to be femme fatale all the time. ;-)

Kati

Kati, I hear you. I found out a many weeks ago, but only exposed it last week. I am new to all this "plan" stuff, so I thought I would throw a question out there....I have not completed the book yet....so sorry if it is answered in there.

I am supposed to deposit in her Love bank, right? Ok, got that, be nice, helpful around the house, loving to the kids. (While being ripped up on the inside). Doing all that.

How does intimacy fit in here? If she has cut off all ties with the Other, is it appropriate to sleep with my wife? Or is this like a 12 step program and we should avoid intimacy for a set period of time?

I know, I know, leave it to a guy to ask this question.

I just haven't seen it anywhere and it almost came up last night....but the baby woke up and changed the mood. I was torn on what to do.....if she shows interest, what to do?

Kati,

Recovery takes a work and a long time. Hang in there. The most important is for you to pass this last hurdle to be in recovery. How ?. Well you still have to be in plan A and also fillin his ENs that has vacated by OW. It is easier to compete with OW in NC.

M or R is a hard work in the beginning. After both of you learn each other LBs & ENs and practice 4 gifts of Love ... the rest is only maintaining it. You make those actions as a habit and keep improving & maintaining it.

-rh-

Hi Better,

I still have sex with my husband. I don't think that he had an intimacies with the OW; it was mainly an EA, but he got very close to her. As far as intimacies go, I think this is probably different with every person. I feel a strong need to be with my husband. Someone on the board mentioned at one time that it is sorta like 'reclaiming territory'. I'm not sure if that is what it is with me, but when we make love, I feel loved, safe and protected. I will not ever let anything come between us in the bedroom. I think that would just kill everything. I think making love has continued to help us get better. It is the one act, where I feel his love unconditionally.

Do you feel like making love to your wife? How does she feel about intimacy with you? If it feels right to both of you, then by all means, do it. There is no right or wrong answer her. Just be sure that you are protected if she has had sexual relations with another man or maybe she can get tested just to be sure that she is healthy.

If you wife shows interest in you and you feel up to it, then I think it would be okay to do it.

Just my opinion. Hang' in there! It's supposed to get easier.

Kati

Kati, thanks for the reply. We were very active in the bedroom prior to d-day (as they call it here). But since then, we have not re-connected (only a week) even though I am still very attracted (go figure).

She is not sleeping well and.... well, we are both still mad. I just think it may help us put our defenses down...and we always do our talking after we are intimate.....

It is very normal to still be attracted to your WS. I find my H still very hot, too. And I think that is a good sign.

I know all about not sleeping well, being upset etc. It is a rollercoaster life.

We usually talk after intimacies, too and it seems like we connect better than and are able to talk about stuff with less anger and emotion involved.

So just go by what your gut and your feelings tell you. Your wife probably still wants you, too and she may need you to do the first step. It is not easy and I had to do the same thing. It'll get better, just hang in there.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> It is very normal to still be attracted to your WS. I find my H still very hot, too. And I think that is a good sign.

So just go by what your gut and your feelings tell you. Your wife probably still wants you, too and she may need you to do the first step. It is not easy and I had to do the same thing. It'll get better, just hang in there.

Kati </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, my drive is higher than hers....still think that is true, so will have to tread cautiously lest I withdraw from the love bank (LB).

If you think that she is wanting it to then by all means go for it. It is probably somewhere on her list of emotional needs just as it is on yours.

At what point do you approach the Spouse to fill out an emotional needs questionaire? Far as I know she is still in contact with him, but she wont tell me.

Said she wants to stay, but refuses to give up the computer. 'course maybe she's reading this site!(wish upon a star).

Is it ever too early to do the questionaire?

How does your W respond to talking about your relationship? The nice thing about the EN questionaire is that it is all about what she needs from you. Most people are quite happy to talk about what they need. When you give it to her do not mention the affair or computers as this may cause her to resist. Simply present it as a tool to help you do a better job for her.
Remember you are showing her how good you can be.

Filled the questionaires out, but I was already working on what she saw as a deficiency in our marriage.....I am helping out with housework....she is stay at hom mom....get overwhelmed with housework.....(since she is online 8 hours a day)....

Of course, she was not interested in reading my questionaire, and when she fnially did, nothing has changed....of course its only been a week...

....

I would not be surprised if she was not interested in your ENs. She is engaged in terribly selfish behavior, no room for anyone else other than her right now. Its the fog. Good news that she did hers, now you should have good information to do a good plan A. Unfortunately in Plan A we BS's have to go without having EN's met. That's why it is hard. You are having to give at a time where all of your instincts say take. You can only do that for so long.

Have you thought about exposing the affair?

J.

No, not sure who to expose it to? Didnt want to burn too many bridges, and have family belittle it (the EA) since it was not physical(since I stepped in before they met).....etc...

Is exposing it beyond her and I part of plan A? Expose to family, friends? Humiliate her?

We are going to a marriage councelor next week, so that is moving in the right direction, I think.

and I agree its hard not having ANY EN's met now....yuck...really makes a guy want to go home at night.....welp gotta go home....back tomorrow.