I have trouble being consistent with my actions and emotions. I get angry or fed up or feel like I don't deserve this then I wake up in the mornings feeling like I want to make my M work and do anything and everything I can to save it. I jump from Plan A to Plan B back to Plan A. And by that I mean, Plan A - no LB, being nice, asking him to come home and work on the M to Plan B just being cordial and only talk about children or finances, but sometimes letting some anger show. He acts like he cares about me asking how my eyes are doing. (I had eye surgery 3 weeks and he left me that night to go to a hockey game with coworker he was in EA with) I said if you really cared you wouldnt have left me (he moved out that weekend too) with two babies to take care of - it's no wonder they aren't healed with all the stress you've put me through. How can I make up my mind what I want and stick with it? I know I am LB going back and forth and acting just as confused as he his. I send emails and leave messages for him that I regret and can't take back but I hate being lied to!

I have no idea but I am in the same boat you are in too.

MO,

While no expert, I think one thing that will help your consistency is reviewing Plan A / Plan B principles. Plan B is essentially a 'last step' and not something to waver on.

I have added a link to my story for you to read at your leisure. My WW left home to "figure things out" on 12/30/03. I began to post here roughly a month ago. My "DDay" came about three weeks ago. Hopefully you can see my head slowly stop spinning from then to now.

Like everyone, I have my good days and bad days. But the good days started soon after I got (read: dragged out of my WW) the whole truth. I still have no idea if I am making any progress in my M. But I am making progress on me. That helps. Review Plan A, and practice that every time you contact your WS. Do not LB! I do not remember the last time I LB'd my WW. The worst case scenario is that you become a really nice person! Focus on making yourself better any way that you can, b/c you'll need that with our without your WS. I no longer spend my days and nights focusing on where she is or what she does. When she contacts me I'm nice, upbeat and confident. While I am still troubled about the situation, I have taken control of what I can (me!) and settled into a pattern, that I find very easy to be consistent with.

I hope this helps, and you have any more questions, fire at will.....

Ethan

P.S.: Saw this on the boards, and it helped me.

Courage

Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you
that you are wrong.

There are always difficulties arising
which tempt you to believe that your
critics are right.

To map out a course of action
and follow it to an end
requires courage.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you furnitureman
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The worst case scenario is that you become a really nice person! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's the part I like about Plan A too!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I no longer spend my days and nights focusing on where she is or what she does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to get to that point! Tonight I've tried calling him a million times. Why?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When she contacts me I'm nice, upbeat and confident. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to be that way too and stop sending the emails and leaving the messages that I can't take back.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While I am still troubled about the situation, I have taken control of what I can (me!) and settled into a pattern, that I find very easy to be consistent with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will be very beneficial to me and especially to my two babies.

My question is that he wants to come over every night and see the kids. Should I let him? I know it's good for the kids and it's good that he wants to see his kids, but I kinda feel like he should have yearnings to see them and not get to until it is his scheduled visitation day or weekend. I don't really get to see the kids when he has them so why should I let him see them when I have them? Even though I have them more often.

MovingOn, we could be mirror images. My revolt betweenn Plan A and Plan B lasts about 2 days each.

This is actually only my 3rd day consistently in a plan since Dday.

it's emotional H*LL.

I ask myself the same questions, and on my posting, you'll see a lot of good replies.

It's difficult...I KNOW....but remember.... emails are VERY bad...he can read them over and over again.

THIS is how I decided to stay in Plan A.

This is against all principles of Plan A, so don't spread it around...it just helps ME...and may help you....

I'm in Plan A....and will stay there because my WH will NEVER have the satisfaction of walking away from a bitter angry BS. He'll have to walk away from someone happy, caring, supportive, and forgiving...let HIM live with THAT !

So it's kind of a revenge Plan A.... is that like a revenge affair ? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I haven't thought of it that way BIJ. But I will from now on. One way I do think of it and I know you don't have kids but I am not going to give him the satisfaction of divorcing him for what he has done because I will be able to look our children in the eye and say mommy did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE she could to prevent a divorce from happening. Mommy was willing to forgive Daddy for what he did even though it hurt her really bad. Then when they are angry teenagers mad at their parents for splitting they can be angry with Daddy. Again a "revenge Plan A".
I'm not saying I will use the kids against him but when they are old enough to understand they will know that I did all I could do.

Hi Moving,
I agree. I know a lot of experienced MBr's will disagree with that but as women, we know the true strength we can tap into when the emotions are anger and revenge. In this case, we're using it to our advantage. I don't see how that's a bad thing.

We've been put into a very bad place by WH. We have to do whatever it takes to get through it. I hope it works for you, it works for me most of the time.

It's hard sometimes, especially on the rare occassion I DO see him, to be truly IN plan A, so he doesn't suspect it's an act. Maybe in time, I'll learn to really do it, and not use the revenge as the fuel.

Maybe he'll make so few deposits into the Love Bank during this time, that in the end....I'll be the one withdrawing from the marriage.

I found the oddest thing my WH said to me during this was about how difficult it's been since Dday. Pardon me, I said to DEAR WH...you've been carrying on with this OW for a damned year, you knew this was coming, you should have prepared better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My WH said the same thing, how awful it has been FOR HIM. For the last year he has blown all of his money and spent all of his time with OW. They go out to eat, out dancing, riding our new Harley, on trips, etc. But he claims it has been awful.

He even asked me to help him with his terrible sense of shame.

Oh see, my WH is still playing the victim. Always me... blah blah blah gag. All his stuff, other then really clothing is still here. Including his motorcycle.

In a strained cordial conversation on the phone yesterday, he talked about selling it. I said...why would you sell it, we finally just got it paid off in full this year.

blah blah blah...I never use it....I don't have any time...it's just taking up space over there, so I'm going to get rid of it.

I think they confuse our status from faithful wife, to loyal friend to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.

I love today. I'm so carefree. I hope God blesses me with more days like this.

today is mine, to do with as I'd like. hope he doesn't call, because I'm too indifferent today.

It is very strange. But I have heard it over and over again, how devastated they are. Meanwhile the BS, who had no choice in the matter, is expected to help them heal. Yikes.

My daughter said last night, she knows there were problems, and she understands that. But the fact is no matter what happens in the future, I'll carry this scar for life.

Yet, here we are in Plan A. Go figure.

Well, you two must be lucky because I for one haven't heard anything from my WH like that. He seems to enjoy being alone in his stinky smoke smelling apartment by himself without our kids. He doesn't call. All evening Sat. he says he just hung out and payed bills, cleaned his apt, etc. Says he is not seeing or talking to anyone. Went to church with me this morning but I don't get anything back from him. He'll come see the kids but that's about it.

Well, I blew it today. I just lost it. He was here most the day after church putting some furniture together that he bought for our kids bedrooms (go figure). After he finished, I just lost it. I went off on him, started griping him out saying all kinds of horrible things. I couldn't stop myself, I just went on and on until I forced him to leave. He never says anything when I go off like that he just shuts down. And it just makes me madder and madder cause I get nothing from him. I don't know why I exactly went off. It may be because he went to church with me, spent the day at the house but he never said anything to me, like if he's there just for the kids or if he's thinking of working on the marriage or what. I don't know what's going thru his brain cause he doesn't tell me anything. This inconsistency is killing me & the M. I've got to ask myself "Have I really made up my mind if I am willing to REALLY FORGIVE HIM & MOVE ON if and when he comes home? Or is he going to come home to the same ole' me, angry at him for what he's done and unable to get past it? Actually, he will probably never come home if I keep acting this way. Should I give up? Maybe I have gotten so many LB from him that I am thru with him? But if I was, it wouldn't hurt this bad, would it? I am just so angry at him for not wanting to fix things this time, for abandoning his family, for not being remorseful or feeling that he has done anything wrong. I am sorry that he is the father of our children because if he wasn't I wouldn't have to deal with him at all. I hate that he only wants and cares for the kids and not me too. I want to take the kids away from him, saying if he doesn't want me than he can't have them either. I know that is wrong for the kids but that is how I feel. I am just so hurt!

Hang in there Moving On. remember we are all new to this, and it's SO tempting to just say, I don't deserve this, HE's the one that messed up, and just call the attorney.

But then we will have to be faced with the idea we may have not done everything we could to save our marriages. That's not something I want to live with, and I'll be darned if HE gets let off the hook THAT easily.

I lost it too. And it takes a little time, but you have to find a more peaceful place for you. Keep working on you, so you have more control of the rage of emotions that are taking you over right now.

Breathe.

It's okay, we're here for you.

Thanks. I called to make an appt w/ counselor today to get over my anger and to decide what I really want in life and to be consistent with my decision even thru my emotions.