I've been in plan A for about a month, except for the exposure part. I can't get myself to start calling or sending letters to his family, boss, etc... I believe this will cause great resentment. I've had a couple of angry outbursts out of frustration.

My H refuses to cut phone contact with OW that he admitted to having EA with and fell in love with her. He says I can't control him.

I tried to execute plan B. He refuses to leave. His plan is that we will live together for the kids, but lead seperate lives. He even says that we will still go on family vacations together, just not as a married couple.

Briefing on my situation. On Jan 6 H came to me crying that he loves me, but not in love. I am now positive that the crying was due to the OW cutting it off with him because there was a lot of cell activity with her and her close friend the 2 days prior like the OW kept hanging up on him and then he'd call her friend so I believe the crying and depression that followed for a couple of weeks after was his withdrawl.

He still talks to her and now he's talking to other woman.

What do I do?

Most of them don't cooperate. That is why there is Plan A and Plan B. If possible stay in Plan A for awhile longer. When you feel a need to LB, come here and let er rip. We understand.

Exposure is necessary, don't get sucked into the one big happy family story. He needs to face the consequences of this decisions.

H called me 2x at work yesterday. He was very nice to me, upbeat, ended both times with I love you.

I get home, and he is major grouchy for the whole night. Could barely look at me, didn't smile once.

I just shrugged it off and kept my chin up, which is so hard.

He told MC at our first appt on Monday that in his eyes the marriage is over and has been over for years. I've been living the past 11 years thinking of how lucky I am (or was) to have such a great marriage. How can 2 people in the same relationship have such different outlooks?

We go again to MC on Saturday, but H says he doesn't have any desire to work on M, even though we have 2 young daughters.

HELP

They all rewrite the history of the marriage. It is just fog talk. However you can change whatever it is he complains about. For lostnhurt it was a bedroom lamp. Hehe.

That is exactly what happened to me. But at least your H going to MC, that is a good sign. My Wh told me the same thing, doesn't love me anymore, didn't love me long time ago, didn't want to work in M, thing that M is over, wanted a D. But I am still hanging in here and trird so hard to work things out. I am getting stronger day by day.

I am so angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Instead of spending some quality time with our youngest today while our oldest is in school, my H is at the Fire Dept where he's an on call fireman to "catch up on trainings".

He's been spending lots of time there, which is new. I stopped by the other day and he was playing video games on his laptop. I didn't say anything about it. He's really addicted to video games.

He's neglecting our kids. His new outlook is he's going to do what HE wants to do. The only thing he wants to do is play PLAYSTATION 2 with my 7 year old, leaving the 3 yr old out.

I need to continue with calling all the phone #'s on his cell bill, there's a million different ones. The girls I've spoken to all swear "Its just friends"

Any advise on me calling all the other woman?

You just need to hang in there and stay in Plan a for a while longer. It is very hard, but necessary. Have you been doing things for you?

Have I been doing things for me?

Unfortunately, no. With all of my responsibilities and trying to keep a plan A, I have no energy.

The only thing I really do for me is at night after kids go to bed, I go to bed and read my Dr. Harley books. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I haven't watched TV for over 2 months except on the nights my H is home I will lie down with him and watch, but usually I pass out right away.

H and I went out together. Everything went great!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Today was our second MC appt. Our MC briefed us on the effort that we need to put into relationship, etc... Everything sounded great!!

After, I looked at my H and mentioned something about us working on "us" and he replies "we are done, have been for a long time."

My H wants us to live together for the kids, but lead "seperate lives".

I told him under no certain terms will I accept that and he would need to leave. He refuses to leave!!!!!

I LB's big time and tried to physically remove him and he called the cops on me. (This is the first time I got physical with him)

The cops made him leave for today.

He has been mentally abusing me since 1/06 and I can't take it anymore.

He's sees no problem with us living together, each of us having our own "outside" relationships and thinks it won't affect the children.

What do you do when you can't execute Plan B?

Please help me.

H won't leave. I have been in a good Plan A for about a month but I blew it yesterday when he refused to leave.

One other choice I was thinking of giving him is that he can stay as long as he goes to counseling (individual) with this family therapist that I found that is really good and if he stops his double life while in therapy.

Any suggestions?

Aw the old cops at the house story. Well that doesn't sound like much fun.

You need to slow down and not expect quick results. Stick with Plan A, settle down, take care of you. I know it is very hard to do, but is necessary. Please read awe's post in general questions. She refers to a post from someone named H, about the fog that the WS is in. Read all of his posts, they are great and will help you see more clearly.

Start making yourself take care of you. Do some things whether you feel like it or not. Otherwise H has too much power over you, and it results in episodes like the cops coming over.

You want to save your marriage, not make it worse. When you start feeling down, come here and talk to us. We are normal, your H is not. He will not hear you right now. We will.

And if you're truly not able to get yourself under control, you'll need to execute a Plan B that doesn't depend on him:

- Leave the house yourself (with the kids, of course) - or -

- Change the locks, put his things outside, and refuse to answer the door when he knocks.

Did you write a Plan B letter? Do you understand what Plan B really is?

Plan B is a protection plan. To protect myself from losing love for him and protect the marriage from further LB's.

Am I close?

I think I may have just started plan B. After a few lengthy conversations with my H.

I have been telling him that under no certain terms will I accept him having relations with OW.

Today, he called B4 coming home from his overnight work trip. I asked him if he was willing to work on the marriage. He said no, the M is over etc...

I told him that when he was willing to come home and work on the marriage and ultimately make this family whole again that I would love to talk with him. Of course argument broke out, I hung up.

He calls back saying I am not making this easy for him. He kept saying he wants what's best for the kids. I said that would be for us to work on our M, he said "that's your view". I asked him if he could come home and we could talk about this rationally after the kids go to bed but asked that the past not be dredged up. He said he couldn't do that without dredging up the past.

I gave him second choice that if he would see this counselor on an individual basis that I would be willing to let him come home. He said I am not going to funnel him into seeing this counselor. I told him to "funnel this" and hung up.

He didn't come home, don't really expect him to. He says he wants to file for divorce.

This sucks.

What the heck do I do now? Financially I can't afford to provide for the kids, I work part time, don't make enough to pay day care full time. THis really stinks.

Well you can change the locks and keep him out. That may lead to the police coming again, depending on the laws in your state.

I would not move out, keep him out. Stick to your boundaries.

I think I may have just started plan B.
If you don’t know if you are in Plan B or not, you are not.

If you did not give him a properly written Plan B letter, then you are not in Plan B.
Read the links below.

Yes, you do need to give him a properly written Plan B letter. And yes, you need to start thinking about the financial implications of the situation. If you can't afford to pay the bills, then don't separate your finances right now... but be ready to ask for child support if he starts to take the household's money for his own purposes.

Here's a template Plan B letter for you (taken from Penny Tupy's site):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dear ________,

I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.

The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.

In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'll need to figure out the following three things:

1. Who your intermediary will be.
2. What arrangements you'll make for him to see your kids.
3. What financial changes you want to make, if any.