Things are going very well with us lately, and I am seeing lots of positive responses as I start to meet my husbands needs in ways that I didn't before.

He hasn't done the emotional needs questionaire, so I am doing my best to understand him, and I think one of the things that other women provided that I didn't was the need for admiration.


He had been out of a job for a while adn wa pretty depressed about not being able to provide, and having to work at jobs that were lousy pay with nasty bosses just to keep food on the table. It really hurt his pride to see us go without. He is working at a good job now, and feeling better, and I want to let him know in different ways that I admire him. I want him to know that I admire him and I am proud of him no matter what.

Any ideas on how I can help to restore his self image?

Thanks,
Shul

Good for you.

I know that telling him all the time would be a good start, be appreciative of the things he does. Show him attention. I think that goes hand in hand with admiration I think.

I have been being very attentive, giving him my undivided attention when he is here, and he is drinking it in.
I think he is wondering what is up with me, because I am not usuallly like this.

Right now he is away working, but he has started calling me every night.

I want to find things to say to him to build him up, affirm him, let him know how proud I am of him, but when we talk I mostly ask about his day at work and listen. I can never think of what to say that will bless him.

I know he is working hard , doing this for us, and I want to say something, but I'm not sure how to put it. It ends up sounding like all I care about is that he has a job, money coming in etc.

Its so awkward. I am not very good at expressing myself, and this is important to me.

I need to work on the same thing. I think when my WH filled out the EN Questionaire that was his #1. I don't really know how to show this either. Maybe you could post this question in the Emotional Needs forum.

I have the same thing. how do you show it? I am so proud of him and so apprecite what he did. Maybe some expereiced MBers can help.

Here is Takola's post from a couple of months ago-called the reflection in your eyes.


posted December 31, 2003 01:04 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was watching the CNN Presents on Infidelity. I've recorded it and watched it twice now. I hope that many of you have done the same.

What I noticed was the late Dr. Shirley Glass saying that one of the attractions of affairs is the way a WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the lover. They see themselves reflected as attractive, desirable, adored human beings. That reflection is very addictive and consuming.

So, I'm wondering how our spouses see themselves reflected in our eyes.

Let me summarize some of the comments I've read recently by members about their spouses. Keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing from memory:

"He's lazy and hasn't worked in years."
"She's a frigid self-centered woman."
"He's a drunk and hates me."
"He has no ambition."
"He's angry and abusive; I think I married a monster."
"Should I even bother with this man?"
"Should I even bother with this woman?"
"Is he worth it?"
"Is she worth it?"

Setting aside that some of these are disrespectful judgments, let's look at what they portray or, rather, don't portray. Do any of these portray your spouse as an attractive, desirable, adored human being?

Hmmm...so, how we feel is reflected in our eyes, and the reflection of attractive, desirable, adored is addictive and consuming...

I don't see any post as often as I see "I don't think he/she loves me", and now I wonder - what is reflected in our eyes, and how significant of a factor is that reflection?

Babbling off....

--------------------

That's a good one

Well when she posted this, I told her I was tired of hearing this cr#p. Now I realize that what she said was true. But I have really grown since then. You will too.

Thank you Believer, for sharing that.

It is a case of can 'salt water and fresh' come from the same source...

May God help us to see our spouses as ourselves.

Shul:

I have followed your story, since there are some similarities to mine........long term M, etc. Although my H is gone, we are div'd and he was living w/ow, till she died last month (OK, so some diff's too!).

I'm sure his feeling a lack of admiration from me is partly what drove him to her arms........But now we are somewhat opening lines of communication, and I'd like to have some ideas about specifics I might say to him........since I don't know a lot about what he's doing in his life right now (he lives 200 mi. away) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Soooooo, let's see if we can't brainstorm some admiration comments we can use on our H's, OK?

I know there was a poster awhile back who suggested thanking him for things he does around the house.........it isn't quite the same as admiration, but it is a start toward letting him know you notice and appreciate kindnesses and thoughtfulness in any things he does for you.

Thank him for picking up a gallon of milk at the store on the way home. Thank him for picking up his dirty socks and underwear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
"so thoughtful of you........."

Anybody else have any ideas on specific items for admiration? Let's try to be genuine. I didn't want to get off on a tangent, and start saying artificial things, like, "admire his MUSCLES.........."
oh, gag me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so high school (even if it was what ow might have done). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hmmm, maybe admiring the way he is a courteous driver? The way he talks to the kids? Or takes care of the lawn?

Can we brainstorm here? Any takers?

Lupolady,

I am all for brainstorming!!

I am trying to see only the positive in him, and recall all the things that I respect about him.
Maybe if I make a list of his qualities...

Considerate: brings me tea in bed, always seems to know when I need a blanket.

Hardworking: He has stayed at some of the hardest jobs, under terrible conditions, lousy pay, no matter how sore he was etc.

Insightful: I have heard many teachers and preachers over the years, but my husband frequently blows me away with his insights.

Compassionate: He literally gave a man the shirt off his back once. He could give Mother Theresa a run for her money.

Smart: He has taught himself so many things, mechanical, electrical, plumbing, carpentry etc.

Good Father: Even when he is too tired to play, he plays. He is never unkind to them.

Wise, sensitive, generous, handsome, frugal, affectionate, clean, neat, sensible, a considerate lover... lots more, now that I think about it.

Why did I never tell him these things? Why did I always only see his faults?

He is coming home this week for a day or two, and I want to start telling him. He needs to hear it. They need to hear it, yes?

Shul

Shul:

Yeah, see, this list is good!! They DEFINITELY need to hear it.

Awhile back (a couple of years ago, I think), we used to brainstorm together over on GQII about what we loved aobut our S's. We did that quite often. Hmmm, nobody seems to think of things to admire about their S's anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your list was the sort of thing we would usually end up with.........

You might put a "Top Ten" list together to give him as a card or something similar to that when he returns home...........

One thing I did once was mail a card to my H that included the list of 10 things!! In fact, I did it more than once!!!

Once I got rolling on it, I came up with about 40 or 50! I only wrote down 10 at a time for him, though. Oh, well. He never acknowledged that he got them or read them, though. I finally quit doing it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Now that OW is out of the picture, I was thinking about your other thread........aobut WH being "alone to think." Unfortunately, my WH is NOT much of a thinker.......especially about introspective issues, self-help items........so I can't imagine him doing any of that, even now that he's totally alone for the first time in his life.

Ah, I have to BELIEVE, don't I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For mine it was a total mess. He went from having a home, a job, a car, money coming in, - you name it- to having nothing; I liken it to the prodigal son finding himself in the pig pen and coming to his senses.

It was very hard to see him in that state.

Regardless of whether or not we are together as a couple, he really needs a friend and that I can be for him.

And I think that is what was missing in our marriage. He would tell me he didn't feel like I was his partner. I was looking after alot of other people,encouraging others, but not giving him any positive feedback. I have given up most of those things that were taking up my time and energy, and I have time for him now.

I really adore this man, I would do anything for him, to see him whole, fullfilled, happy- but I can't bless him when he is working against himself. People have said that he is his own worst enemy, and I think that is true. Maybe now he is ready to let someone love him a little, but he still wary. It is rather like trying to befriend a dog that has been abused, you know?

And you know, even if there was nothing to admire about him, I would still feel the same. I think he is working really hard now to maybe ensure my love, but the truth is , even if he wasn't I would still love him. He can't earn my love, or lose it.

When I realised that, I have to say it was a revelation to me of Gods love toward me. Go figure!

Shul

delete

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

This is what I did (while in Plan A - not on to do list for Plan B):

I not only gave my husband compliments, told him he looked nice, told him I appreciated things he said and did that were on the right track, but I complimented him and showed appreciation towards him both in front of other people and in private. I wanted to assure him that I really was proud of him (when he came back home and/or was treating us better, was being generous and caring towards us). I also made sure he knew I wasn't just rewarding him for saying/doing things that I wanted (ANY woman will do that...) I told him I adored him and that he was so special to me. Even when telling him I had to go back to Plan B I told him that if he didn't end the affair and do what was necessary for recovery, that if he didn't want me enough to do that, I would go on with my life, most likely building a happier life with a new husband... BUT that I would much rather remain married to him.

Last summer and fall, during Plan A, he was at our home a lot for birthday parties, pot-lucks, game nights with friends, etc. I made sure he saw me showing everyone the awesome barn he built for our daughters' toy horses (complete with stalls, hay loft, little lanterns that really light up, windows that open for each stall - it really is superb). It was in the kitchen so our youngest daughter and her friends could play with it (too big & heavy to put away & drag out each time)

Also, I made sure his family knows I still love him and am willing to forgive him and help repair our marriage. Unfortunately most of them believe his lies and/or think a good wife just shuts-up and put-ups. They agree with his attitude that if I really loved him I would just pretend he wasn't having an affair and let him come home. They think to acknowledge he has problems is just putting him down...so I must not love him...

The point Takota made (and Believer reminded us of) was important. So when we are tempted to react with love-busting to the latest hurts inflicted by our fog affected WS's we should try to remember to stay off the roller coaster (as Orchid advised) and to detach. It is then that our WS's most need to know that while we expect to be treated respectfully, we still understand and love them and WILL be able to forgive and heal. Don't forget they are afraid to face the shame and guilt. They don't really want to be forgiven when they are still in the fog; they want to get away with it. They have to want us back AND THEN feel they can trust us to forgive, respect, love, and trust them again, before they can come back.

Love-Busting, no matter how provoked or understandable, will prevent the WS from wanting to come back and from believing you can deal with it if they do.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Something I've been thinking about lately that is not a happy thought:

What if my husband (a conflict avoider) HAS met his perfect match? The OW didn't want to hear anything I had to tell her. I have reason to suspect she's just as shallow and superficial (and impressed by appearances, money and possessions) as my WH is.

My husband was raised in a family that cares mostly about what things look like instead of what's really going on. The OW is probably just like that too. Maybe she would be willing to just shut up and put up with him fooling around on her (if they get married)? As long as he has his fat paycheck maybe she doesn't really care?

He doesn't want forgiveness; he wants me to pretend nothing's wrong. Maybe she's the type who will do that?

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Yes, I think they all want to pretend there is nothing wrong, but there is a flaw with that.

The trouble with that reasoning is that they themselves would be shattered if someone did this to them.

I have read that a mans biggest fear is the fear of rejection. I think that is probably esp. true more of someone who is concerned with money, appearnances- it is all to garner respect- to win admiration...or love; to keep from being rejected, yes? It is a sign of insecurity.

Chances are she is as much or more insecure than he is. In fact, her cheating on him is predictable, as is his cheating on her.

Because the truth is that unless we have the peace and security that comes of relationship with God, we will always be searching for love and hiding from rejection.

And he won't find love in her, nor her in him. It is not possible in a sinful relationship. they will just feed off each other for awhile until they use each other up. Sort of a mutual admiration society. Not based in love, based in need. And that won't last.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by meremortal:
<strong> What if my husband (a conflict avoider) HAS met his perfect match?

My husband was raised in a family that cares mostly about what things look like instead of what's really going on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yah, meremortal, I could have written this post myself!!

But here's the thing I have learned through all this............

First of all, I don't want a H who has these character flaws!!! If my H has to go through a major "cleansing" of his heart and soul to "grow up" before coming home (IF he comes home!) then so be it.

I only know one thing for certain: I DON'T WANT THE SHELL OF A M WE HAD BEFORE B/C OF HIS CONFLICT AVOIDANCE AND WILLINGNESS TO JUST SWEEP ANY PROBLEMS UNDER THE RUG. I want a mature, healthy M with a man who will always protect me, listen to me, and seek "healthy" ways for us to grow together, instead of RUNNING AWAY to unhealthy actions.

Listen, don't be so worried about what will happen. If there's any love in his heart for you (and there probably IS), he will get it figured out eventually. Truly! Hun, listen, I used to have these same thoughts you are having now! I DID!!

Knowing how a conflict avoider RUNS from anything unpleasant, I was SURE my H was unsalvageable.

Read my sig line...............OW DIED, this seems to have brought him out of his "fog" a little, and we have been talking more now.
The good Lord sure has a way of making people stop and LOOK at their circumstances when they think they can just recreate a better setting for themselves without Him!!!

Please re-shift your focus. You should be taking care of YOU now. Fix what you can fix about YOU. Let him be. What will be, will be. You can't change it, so quit worrying about it.

God Bless,

I guess I feel the same.

I love my husband, and I will always care about him, but living together is another matter. I don't care to go back to the same thing we had before. It is pointless for us to be together if I am trying to build and he is tearing down.

I think he is starting to come to his senses slowly- he has had to experience some hard consequences.

I will take him back, character flaws and all if he is making any effort to change, but I think it would be better if we worked on making things stronger between us while we are not living together. I would rather resolve some things now. I have told him that I am willing to move,(one of his major peeves), I am working fulltime now( another one), and I am doing everything that I wasn't before in terms of listening, affirming, encouraging, not interrupting, giving him space, etc...

He has made a few efforts in past few weeks, not anything earth shattering, but still for him it is something. He is responding to the love I have been showing him. He has even opened up a little, now that I think about it. Shoot, he took me out to a nice restaurant one night last week. That is a miracle. Maybe I am just greedy and impatient.

I guess I should count the positive things and not the things that still need work.

What drives me crazy the most is all the wasted years, when we could have been happy, working together. Life is so short, and I have lost so many people. I have literally no family left except my daughters, and one cousin. I have learned the hard way to value every minute with the people you love.

I want him to hurry up and get healed so we can start going forward, but in reflection, if there had not been so many problems I would not have grown or learned the meaning of love.

I should send him a card saying " Thankyou for being such a mess, it brought me closer to God! ", lol.

Some days I don't know whether to laugh or cry.