I've been in Plan A for about a month now; it is so hard. Many triggers. I do believe that my husband loves me, but an eight year emotional connection with OW is hard to shake. I've learned many things about their relationship. One of his favorite songs is 'Little Wing' by Jimi Hendrix. This is also part of her Email ID.

Our life has been too much of a reality, too much predictability, too much every day crap. I think he was missing the mysterious excitement that she gives him - take anything you want from me, anything. A thousand smiles she gives him free. These are the song lyrics. You see what I mean? She can look into his eyes and find the universe... He's her universe... And I'm reality. She's his escape from reality.

I wish I knew how to be his universe.

Kati

Kati, you are not alone. We all want to be. But once you are a wife, reality is the fact. unless we don't eat, take care of the family, we can threw away the reality. I know it is so hard. My heart is bleeding everyday.

Kati, these As are such a bunch of crap. Don't get me started. First of all, OP and WS are in their own little bubble universe. Protected from any sort of trouble from the outside world. They get to share all their troubles about the people in their life, yet share none of the reality.

Lately my H has been sharing little tidbits that ow would say to him. I actually laughed at one of them. Anything that remotely might turn into a conflict OW would not engage in conversation about. We don't want to rock the boat? This fantasy is so obvious to everyone but those involved. Especially the dumb spouse.

Sorry, I am feeling exceptionally aggravated by the darn fog. The Ws wants unconditional love that they think they're getting from OP. The reality is it is all stage one baloney. Us BSs are the ones giving the unconditional love.

DON'T compare youself to some fake universe bullcrap. H's OW sent him a card saying "We share the same sun, moon, and stars." Oh gag me! CV

Hi CV,

Thanks for responding. I needed to hear that. You know, I used to write poems just for myself and dream a lot, but being married with a home, jobs, pets and lots of responsibilities sometimes can put those things on hold. I remember when I first met my husband and when we first started dating. We used to look into each other's eyes for hours, we used to talk on the phone for literally hours. About what??? I don't know..., sweet nothings... I remember being in Paris one time, sitting on a bench in the moonlight and kissing for hours and hours. But we've been married for 14 years now and unfortunately a family cannot be fed on dreams alone, right? It's hard and I long for those days in Paris and the attention and desire my husband gave me.

I guess I AM his universe, but the real one....

Stay strong, CV.

Love
Kati

Kati, I think what has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with regarding my H's A was that he allowed himself to experience stage one in-love again. I've told him more than once I can't compete with that. In stage one everything is wonderful. You just show each other the best parts of yourself, especially if it's an A. Plus those chemicals are flowing through their bodies. Sorry, that ain't going to happen after, in our case, knowing each other for 26 yrs. and married for 19 yrs. Hopefully our love is much deeper than that. Unfortunately the WS has those incredible feelings that have been awakened in them and they think that is reality. Thus THE FOG. It is a pain in the A##. You hang in there and hopefully your H will understand that the real love he has is with you. CV

Hi CV,

You know sometimes I long for those feelings myself again. I met my H when I was 17 and we've been together for 17 years/married 14 years. This is a long time; sometimes I do not even know how we made it this long. I was basically just a child. My H is almost 11 years older than I am.

We are trying to make things work, but I have so much pain in my heart. He has had feelings for this OW for eight years and I just feel that this is such a long time. Maybe he truly loves her? I don't know. My H used to be my best friend. He used to be the one that I could tell everything to, pour out my heart, share everything with him, but now all of this seems so far away. Sometimes I'm afraid that he just stays out of pity with me or because it is convenient or maybe because I put up with this crap for so long.

I asked him what makes his love for her so different than his love for me? I always thought that our love for each other was deep and emotional. We've been through a lot of hard times, but also many good times, many good memories and fun times.

I hope that things can get better for us.

Kati

Kati and CV,

I don't know why the world is so unfair. I still feel so strong in love with my WH after 14+years of M, 18 years together. But he is out there experiencing his stage one love again,leaving kids and me alone? It just hurts.

Ladies, I don't know why, but I am feeling ESPECIALLLY fiesty this morning. How in the hell are these stupid Hs going to feel anything for us if they don't stop giving all their love and attention to another woman? It ain't gonna work. Plus when they are involved they shut the door to allowing us to meet any of their ENs. That's what my H did. I was nonexistant until the A was finally revealed. He literally made me invisible. Convinced himself I wasn't capable of meeting any of his needs. But OW just naturally knew how. I've mentioned to him several times that EVERYONE knows how to meet ENs in stage one. It's not that special. Especially when you're living in your little secret world.

If my H were to end up with OW I wonder how special they'd feel when the truth is out to everyone? Right now it has been concealed. I haven't had to out him. When his 2 teenage sons can't stand OW and probably won't want to be with them. I know his family wouldn't be happy with him, or welcome her in unconditionally. How will he feel when his reputation is ruined? When the light of day shines upon them will meeting each other's ENs be flowing between them? Somehow I don't think so. I could be wrong. Maybe they would be blissfully happy. I think My H is still here because that reality is somewhere in his consciousness. CV

Katie, and others.

I understand your frustration and feel it too. But it has helped me a lot reading this forum and Dr. Harley's articles that the things your WS says about the new relationship are the same things that almost every WS feels and says (and it's not just husbands - my wife has said all the things Katie's husband has - its just been Keith Urban instead of Jimmy Hendrix :-). It is almost like someone gives a script to cheating spouses. You cannot take it personally. You may have fallen into a rut and you may not have been putting all the effort into your marriage that you should have, but neither has your WS. Ragardless, it was your WS decision to start the A and that is not your fault. Remember that.

Seccondly, as someone said, the A is NOT reality. It is ridiculous to expect that you and your spouse can have those new-in-love feelings after you have spent so many years together changing diapers, waking up next to each other's morning breath, washing each others dirty clothes, etc. That is life. That is reality. The affair is artificial. The affair is an escape from reality. I always try to think to myself, I wonder how long those new-in-love feelings would last if they did get married? You know the answer.

The problem, of course, is that your WS is in the Fog. And until the Fog lifts (and yes, I'm still waiting) you will not change the way your WS feels. The only thing you can do is follow a good Plan A and insist on no-contact. And have the strength to move to Plan B if no contact is refused. That is the hard part. Its the part I struggle with. Stick with the program and have faith in yourself.