My WH won't cooperate with the contact through a 3rd party. And I haven't found any relatives, friends, counselors, or lawyers who understand MB principles. Increasingly they all just want me to dump him and not have any communication with him period. I was still in contact with him for financial and visitation matters. But it was not through a 3rd party (nobody I knew understood the reason for doing that - thought it was strange or unreasonable - didn't want to get involved, etc.)

But even if we stick to discussing only finances and our daughters he tries to start arguments and the topic of the other woman usually comes up. Because how much financial help he will give us and how much visitation he has with his daughters is controlled by the other woman.

When they have a break-up he gives us extra money. He buys the kids lots of stuff and takes them to restaurants and movies during visitation (major Disney Dad). We had planned to move out of the area because we can't really afford to stay here on what we get for child support and alimony. He insisted we stay and assured us he would take care of finances so we could afford staying. When they are broke up he tells us and our friends that he's going to give me his car (he did finally give it to me the last time they broke up in February). Plus when he and other woman are broke up he helps pay for our daughters' skating expenses and can attend their competitions. He wants to spend a LOT of time with his daughters when he and the other woman are broke up. For one 3 week period when they were broke up he literally had visitation with two of his daughters 5 days out of the week! He even told our 12 year old she could move in with him and she was spending 3-4 nights per week at his apartment for past few weeks. His daughters can alwasy reach him by phone when the affair is off.

When they resume the affair he refuses or at least objects to giving us any extra money and dumps his daughters back to the limited visitation the other woman will allow (couple hours Wednesday evening and Sunday afternoon). He has admitted to me that she fights with him over any extra money he gives us above child support and alimony. She didn't want him to help pay for his daughters' trips to skating competitions or to even let us use his car to get there. She said he can see his daughters more than Wed. & Sun. only if they come to her house. His daughters are not allowed to spend the night at his apartment unless the affair is in a break-up phase. And his daughters can only contact him by leaving a message for him because his cell phone is always off when he and the other woman are together. But when they have visitation with their father - even for just the couple of hours she allows - he has to keep his cell phone on so she can check up on him. Oh and on Monday he demanded that I give the car back. He said the other woman warned him I would try to keep it. He had assured me - verbally - Sunday afternoon that I could keep the car and he would be signing the title over to me AND that I could trust him that he would never go back to her or ask for the car back!
I need to have everything he says to me in writing from now on.

My daughters and I have two completely different lifestyles and standards of living based on their father's affair status. One week my daughters are eating in restaurants and the next they don't have any milk in the house. We never know from one day to the next whether or not we can afford to stay living here or will have to move. Up to the day before their skating trips my daughters don't know whether or not their father would help pay for the hotel or let us use his car as promised. I don't know whether I should give my landlord one month notice today or not...

So even if our contact is only about finances/visitation it's not working out. It always coems down to he said/she said and him denying everything he's promised us. I have decided to have contact with him only in writing from now on. I don't want to argue or love-bust even if we never reconcile. Life's too short to spend the rest of it arguing with a fool over the same things. I need to know, in writing, exactly what I can count on from him financially, regardless of whether or not the affair is resumed. He also needs to work out a visitation schedule with his daughters that is reasonable and not tied to his affair status. So I'm hoping by having all communication in writing it might stabilize our lives for the remainder of the time we're living here. (My daughters and I are going to proceed with our plans to move away.)

So I told him about the in-writing-only rule. I also said I would give copies of all our communication to the other woman and some relatives. He and I have e-mailed back and forth a couple of times about his promise to pay rent today. But I noticed that at the bottom of his e-mails there's a statement that the message is confidential and can't be reproduced, shared, etc. I informed him that I will refuse ALL contact with him if he doesn't delete that statement from his e-mails. He's been stringing both me and the other woman along since July -lying and making promises to each of us in an attempt to keep us both in his life. She may have her motives for wanting to protect her ignorance (innocence?) but I want the truth exposed and his ability to continue his deception halted.

has anyone else here experienced such resistance to the WS cooperating with the no contact except through a 3rd party? If so, how did you handle it? What should I do? I simply cannot go back to the private communication that he can exploit. I can't allow him to give assurances that the other woman doesn't know about, that he denies later. I can't make any plans even from day to day until he's forced to tell the truth about his intentions in front of both the other woman and his wife.

Instead of eating at restaurants on good weeks, save the money for milk on the bad weeks.

I simply cannot go back to the private communication that he can exploit.
How can he exploit, "I will pick up the kids at 3 PM on Wednesday"?

You need to start doing what you need, to get along financially without him.
If it comes to a divorce, do you think anything (his financial responsibility) will get better?

Thanx for the reply Chris:

"Instead of eating at restaurants on good weeks, save the money for milk on the bad weeks."

My daughters and I don't eat at restaurants - he takes them to restaurants during his visitation with them (and usually invites me along too - I went during plan A but not now because of plan B). He's a big spender. So when they have visitation with him it's not unusual for him to take them to two or three restaurants in one day - for all meals! But at home we're scraping to get by. Most of the time our daughters are upset with him and refuse visitation. But sometimes if they get hungry enough they feel seeing him is the only way they can get a good meal.

He rarely gives me the extra money but instead pays for the extras directly. I have bills that I'm getting further behind on. But instead of giving me money to pay them off he goes out and buys the daughters $60 swords, takes them to movies & restaurants, gives them spending money, etc. He can afford to give us enough to get caught up enough that we can live on what we're legally entitled to. He promises he will do that so we can stay living here. But he won't. Instead he gives us just enough to scrape by a little longer but still be dependent on him.

"I simply cannot go back to the private communication that he can exploit.
How can he exploit, "I will pick up the kids at 3 PM on Wednesday"?"

He makes all sorts of promises to me and my daughters about everything from finances, visitation, to other woman supposedly being totally out of his life. He assures us he will give us extra money so we won't have to move. We honestly cannot afford to get caught up on bills if we stay here. But then he resumes the affair and denies he promised anything. He told our youngest daughter she could move in with him. She was thinking about it and spending 3-4 nights per week at his apartment. But then he dumped her back to the Wed. & Sun. visitation only - what the other woman will allow. Then she gets upset and refuses the visitation and he accuses me of not letting her see him. He promises his daughters he will help pay for the skating competitions but rarely does. Sometimes we find out last minute he won't honor his promises to pay for the hotel room and let us use his car. I had to send my daughters with other people who let them stay in their hotel room.

Also, he's telling the other woman just as many lies. It's the secrecy of the communication that's enabling the affair to continue. She's very controlling and if she knew what he was telling me she'd dump him for good. For example, he tells me how great I look and how much he misses me. And he constantly invites me to come along on visitation or to go on dates with him.

"You need to start doing what you need, to get along financially without him.
If it comes to a divorce, do you think anything (his financial responsibility) will get better?"

Of course we need to find a way to get along without him. He wants me to go back to work so he can reduce the support by an equivalent amount AND afford to stay living near him. I have not worked in my field of work for two decades. I taught computer graphics and you know how much that has changed. I would have to go back to school first. Plus I am still homeschooling my daughters for several more years (the youngest is 12). I realize I will have to go back to work at least part time even if it's working at Wal-Mart. But we wanted to move out of the area first so he wouldn't know I was working (and just reduce the support). There's nothing my daughters and I would like more than to get rid of our dependence on him and to get him out of our lives. We can't count on him to help us as promised. And we can't take the emotional abuse and lies anymore.

The divorce will be final in September. I know I can't count on him to give us any more than what's in the separation agreement. Months ago we told him that's why we were moving to another state with a lower cost of living and relatives that could help. He made promises to keep us here that he won't honor now that he's back with the other woman.

Now we will have to move ASAP. As soon as I scrape together the money to move that is... (And I think that's a reason he won't give me the extra money for me to distribute where needed most - He suspects I'll use it to move away and get free of this mess. And that's exactly what I would do.