I just want to know how many dedicated dad's out there feel it would be a privilege to watch their children play soccer on their final soccer weekend, there are also parent games to play against their kids as well. I just finished asking my husband who wants a divorce ( he's in the fog, loves someone else, claims he doesn't anymore, pressured into marrying me you know how the story goes) anyway I asked him if he was comming to soccer sunday and he said he is going to visit his friend jack. Meanwhile I would love to play against my kids tommorow but have to worry about the two year old who waunders all over the field and might get hurt or lost etc. He told me to figure it out, buy her some chips and strap her in the stroller. This is how he always seems to be, the kids are not important enough, he has told me in the past if you have seen one game you have seen them all. He then wonders why I was a naggy wife we'll these things are important to me, spending time with our kids, going camping, going away on holidays, creating memories that will last a lifetime. Is this so wrong, am I asking for too much? All I have ever wanted is to to be a family!

So tell me dad's, do you all spend time with your kids. I hate feeling like I have been a single parent throughout our whole marriage, He see's jack all the time, I guess I know where his priorities lay.

We have three children 8, 5, 2, we have never taken them camping ever. last summer we went once but he was miserable it was one month before he told me he want's out. I got fed up and took them and went with my sister inlaw they had a blast. I am extemely frustated and angry at my H.

Any advice?

SNT, I know how you feel. I felt that before. But supprisingly, since he asked for a D, H became more involved with kids. I don't know why, maybe he felt guilty about his A.

Thanks for the post. My H I doesn't feel guilty at all claims its all for the better for me and him that we will find someone we are truly meant to be with. He's into past life stuff.

The thing is these things have never seemed all that important to him. Think's they will grow up fine and everything will be ok. Has been like this since we had the kids. but then he claims he never wanted to do these things because I was there and it was me he never wanted to be around.

S&H,
I don't have any history on your circumstance, but I'll give it a shot. How did his father interact with your H? Were his parents uncaring or detached? Has he always let you run the kids?
I come from a pretty disfunctional family, probably like all of us, But anyway, my F NEVER did anything with us, not ever! He made no attempt or had any guilt about it. I in turn am probably over involved with mine. When they were old enough, I coached them in every sport I could. My W made sure we took family vacations, etc.

I think because I never had an involved F, that I over compensated and spent too much time on them. This was detrimental to my M. My W always says I am a great father, but on the other hand I know I let her down by not placing her first in my life. She chose an A. I am not defending her but merely pointing out that this gave her some justification for the A. Ironically, I married her knowing she did not want children. I was willing to do that for her. But later SHE decided to add two great children to our family.

In her choice, she risked everything including her kids to be with someone else. Its not that she didn't care, but the pull of the A was too strong. Part of the reason we are still together is our children. All I am saying is that your H's A appears more powerful than the love of your family. That is not the case.

My questions were intended to make you consider the possibility that you allowed him to become detached from the kids. It is not your fault if he is detached, thats his choice and he will pay a price for it later. All I am saying is you should find a way to get him involved with the family without coersion. I like the fact that you did a vacation w/o him, but I wonder if it further justifies his detatchment and the A. I think the better way is to try to show him he is needed by his family. Is ther any way he can spend more time with them one at a time or doing simple activities together.

I don't know about OW, but I would bet she would be jealous if he spent more time with the kids. It would take time from her and it would be a threat to the A. As long as he is detached, she will feel safe. This may take some trust on your part to allow him to do things with the kids on his own. You can't tell him what to do or how to do it. He is an adult and can take care of a child. I am not saying to use the kids as leverage, but rather to see what he is missing.

I could be way off, but like I said I took a shot.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Thanks for the post. My H backgroung he comes from a big family 4 sisters 1 brother. I think he spent alot of time with his dad outside working on a small farm but they did not do alot of other things the girls from the family claim dad was never around very much.

His father has been unhappy in his marriage but they grew apart after they had all these kids.

Our marriage is very similar to his mom and dads and he has told me so, and he does not want to live like that. when we had kids he felt left out but I did not know this until just last august. He seldom tells me how he feels and he would rather smooth over any kind of confortation. He feels I should love him the way he is, and he claims that I never have. I have always wanted him to watch the kids sports and include him but he never wants to.

He is spending alot more time with the kids now because I am in school full time. I can see a difference in the kids now they are happy to see him and I feel he is more connected with them.

He is beleiving in past life stuff and claims this is our 3rd life together and we need to split and that this other woman and him have been together in another life. He beleives in pranic healing and claims he gets messages from god that I am going to remarry and he is making the right choice.

My past is my parents divorced when I was 12. My mom had schizophrenia for most of my life before this our childhood was not great. My dad was pretty good and we went and did things nothing major but he did his best with what he had and everything that he was going through.

I am just devastated to see my kids have to deal with divorce. That was one thing that I never wanted my kids to go through and now it looks like they will.

We went camping together for the first time last summer but he had to drink just to be there. He was depressed and it was about 1 mnth before he told me. He claims there is no affair and that there never was one just that he got wrapped up in feeling for this other woman who is also married.

He wanted me to go camping by myself he encouraged it. He likes it when I do everything on my own because then he had more time to work on vehicles and things with his dad and brother. He jumps for everyone else but not his family.

He claims he felt left out after the kids were born but so did I. It was lonely being a stay at home mom and dad just was never around very much for support etc. Things have come on slowly but know its bult where there is so much resentment on both of our parts. He works hard, he built a nice house but he always is saying I am never happy. But material things are great but they dont always make us happy. Its a family that I want. He claims that if he stays and just goes with the flow even though he has no feelings for me that he cant live like that. But he doesnt realize that feeling can change its what we do that creates those feelings. He feels woman are controlling and that his brother who is getting married better be carefull and some friends of ours also are being controlled.

S&H,
Thanks for sharing. I know you feel defeated and it is really obvious he has alot of emotional trauma to work through. I am encouraged that he is forced to spend more time with the kids. I think that is a big plus. His comment about you not accepting him the way he was is another eye opener. He is sharing some very deep feelings with you. Have you ever considered what his love language is? What will reach him? He says he felt left out when the kids were born. Do you have any idea why he feels that way?

My father is alot like your H. My mother was never satified with him. I have been coaching her to look at herself and him differently. Trust me. I hate the way my F is, he never taught me anything about being a man, but that is no excuse for my shortcomings. Maybe you could explore some of the things he has shared with you. Maybe you can change yourself first so he can see your love for him. Remember you can't change him, but you can influence him. Love is very powerful, especially unconditional love.

What is amazing is how much of our childhood experiences influence our adult behavior. The good news is that it does not have to always be that way. All of us can change, even your H and my F. Sometimes all it takes is true love and acceptance. I hope you can keep it all together, the emotional trauma on the kids will last a lifetime.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Roman121 ]</small>