Does anyone know if there is a link between a death in the family and infidelity or mid-life crisis? My WH had PA's before and during our M. Then he was faithful after D-day for almost a year. After his father died in Nov. 03 he started an EA with a co-worker. Once I exposed the EA to OW husband and other co-workers, it ended between them. But my WH still moved out of the home and is undecided on what he wants. He told me last night he thinks this has more to do with him and his father dying and him having maybe a mid-life crisis and seeing his death in front of him than anything to do with me. I don't know what to do but when I mention moving on with divorce he acts like that is something HE is not sure that he wants. He has started to have some hope towards restoring the marriage as have I but for both of us we go in and out of this hopefulness and it never seems to exist for both of us at the same time. When I feel hopeful, he doesn't. When he does, I don't. At this point, I don't know what I want. I want him and to be a family but I don't want someone that doesn't want to be with ME. What should I do? How do I figure out what I want?

Moving on this sounds like my WS. Although it took him along time to get there in the beginning it was all my fault, his unhappiness, our problems, etc etc. Yes I think it can have to do with death of a loved one, midlife and etc although our C says its hard to pigeon hole like that.
My WS lost both parents at 48 he's hitting midlife 44 and realizes he's getting close. He lost a brother recently who lived with us due to cancer,he's losing a business that he always gained his self worth from. C said that ws never had good role models and so took on his co-workers as his family, but coworkers have other agendas and so he was taken advantage of. WS also says its more about him then about me. What he has learned and our C said it in black and white last week That this A with my best friend and his best friends wife who workes with him is more about how he feels about himself. That due to a alcoholic childhood were his mother did many hurtful things and his father was too drunk to provide nurturing, ws feels he is unlovable. And that when he realizes he's lovable then he will be able to see that I love him. That what he thinks is love from OW is really just her wanting security and purely fantasy feelings.
How was your husbands childhood, coming here I see so many connections between how one is raised and what happens in A.
km4

km4,
My WH father cheated on his mother (after his mom died) they divorced, remarried, then divorced again. My WH left to go to college at age 18 and went back to visit but never to stay again. His sister says it was to get away from his dad. He has made here his new home. My family has become his family. Now he is leaving us without looking back (it seems). He always talked about how his dad cheated on his mom and how wrong it was and he was doing it to me the whole time. I couldn't believe it!

I'm almost 50 so you could call my A part of a mid life crisis. Also in the year before the A my father died in the January (after a long illness), my MIL in the May (very suddenly) and my FIL (we think of a broken heart) in the October. A started in February of the following year.

I feel strongly that these events are linked.

Jenny

The part that doesn't give me hope is that he cheated on me while we were first dating, then numerous other girls while we were living together, engaged, and / or married. Those were all just PA though. No meaning whatsoever other than Sex. I never found out about any of them until Jan 03. His recent emotional A with co-worker started after his dad died. I can't forget some of the things he told me about her, like "She inspires me and I've never felt that way about you but I want to feel that way about someone". And "have you ever crossed someone in passing and knew that they were the one?" What do you say to that when your husband of 7 years says that to you? Uh...NO!

Moving On, my H also cheated on me 10 years after marriage right after the birth of our first son, ironic the second time occurred after our second son 8 years later, or not so ironic there is def a connect between my nurturing a baby and not nurturing him. The difference is also the first was a PA only that lasted over a year I just found out when the A was exposed. The first was purely physical according to him while this is EA EA EA EA.

He's not just "passed her and known she is the one" nor anything like that he is making it up and of course he really believes it he has to in order to justify. As my C would say he has to feel completely happy within himself cuz ow can't do it for him although right now he thinks she's the answer just like you were the answer at the beginning of the marriage. she's fantasy!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Moving on this sounds like my WS. Although it took him along time to get there in the beginning it was all my fault, his unhappiness, our problems, etc etc. Yes I think it can have to do with death of a loved one, midlife and etc although our C says its hard to pigeon hole like that.
My WS lost both parents at 48 he's hitting midlife 44 and realizes he's getting close. He lost a brother recently who lived with us due to cancer,he's losing a business that he always gained his self worth from. C said that ws never had good role models and so took on his co-workers as his family, but coworkers have other agendas and so he was taken advantage of. WS also says its more about him then about me. What he has learned and our C said it in black and white last week That this A with my best friend and his best friends wife who workes with him is more about how he feels about himself. That due to a alcoholic childhood were his mother did many hurtful things and his father was too drunk to provide nurturing, ws feels he is unlovable. And that when he realizes he's lovable then he will be able to see that I love him. That what he thinks is love from OW is really just her wanting security and purely fantasy feelings.
How was your husbands childhood, coming here I see so many connections between how one is raised and what happens in A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could be my WS...lost both parents before 48...was the care taker for his mother who refused to help herself when her spouse passed away...WS had to spend many lunch hours with her just trying to get her out to meet new people...she was a constant whiner and complainer who refused to help herself...in the end she passed away from lonesomeness and C...WS then sold his business and stayed at the helm until he was fired by new owners... this was a big blow to his ego...a man generally measures himself by his work...being retired he had lots of time on his hands and during the days unbeknownst to me started an A with a needy OW with needy children...I supect he had very low self esteem at the time and expressed feelings of being unloved...he then exuded all the signs of a midlife crisis...started dressing differently...bought the fast sports car...removed his wedding ring etc. etc. as far as the wedding ring was concerned he had his excuses...got in the way of lifting weights at the gym...or interfered with his guitar playing...by being with this needy OW and her needy family this put WS back up on his pedastal of feeling important once again...they had found their knight in shining armour...this new life fed his ego once again...WS is still seeing this OW but suspect in time he will have to face reality and focus on his issues and seek professional help...yes instead of taking responsibility for his actions he chose to blame me for every little thing that he did not like in our 30 years of marriage...this is their way to justify an A and their guilt