Hi Jasmine
I am sorry that you missed sleep last night. But this ordeal can definitely do it to you.
H is being honest. This may definitelyly help so that you can decide what you would like to do. It is better when the S is telling the truth rather than hiding which many times holds the BS up from making important decisions.
As for the both of you, to even start recovery honesty will be crucial. It will be crucial for you to be honest with him and he with you. It will be crucial for you to be honest with yourself about your M and what you really want. Infidelity, is usually symptomatic of underlying problems.
So now though it is a hurtful situation, it is a time where you can look at problems that may have existed or any concerns that may have been there. It is a time to think about how you would like for things to be in your M. It is time for you to examine, honestly if you were unhappy with anything in your M. It is a time to do some soul searching from within about what you would like to happen even on a personal level in your life.
Unfortunately, because dealing with the pain of betrayal, the BS many times becomes so burdened down with thinking, "was there something wrong with me" or "what can I do?" or "maybe I didn't do this right or that". Perhaps there are many things that you could've done differently. Not to dismiss this, but also the WS plays an important part in the M. Though there may have been some things that you weren't doing or needed to do understand that, "it takes two (2) to tango". Just as you decided to be faithful, he too could've decided to stay faithful. So don't beat yourself up about it. But accept that you and WS has to take responsibilty and own up to the part you played in the deterioration of the M.
And whatever you do try your best NOT to make this about the OW. I mean to yourself, try not to get stuck on comparing yourself with her and giving her the total credit for taking your H out of your hands. There was a problem between you. That doesn't mean that she took him off your hands. It seems from what you put in your post that he loves you, but he needs to decide the road he would like to travel.
The $64,000 question: Is it time for Plan B? You have to be the one to answer that. Dr Harley says that when the WS is tryng to decide which of you he wants it is time to go. Since your H says he wants you both he is acting like a cakeater. Which makes it highly unlikely that he will just step to the plate and do what is right, deciding to save the M and acknowledge his role in the downfall of it. Also it makes it highly likely that you will have a long road ahead of you should you decide that you would like to hang in there with him and stay in the M.
So is it time for you to give him a letter letting him know what you require and then seperate? In Plan B, the seperation is suppose to be until he is willing to comply fully with
the letter of your requirements. One of them being that he give OW up entirely. Or is it time to wait before you go into Plan B. Negotiate NC, follow a plan to help end the A then wait to see how he reacts. Again only you know because this may only delay the inevitable that you will eventually go into Plan B anyway.
Dr Harley says that the A will end. It is very likely that it will. However that doesn't mean that it won't take time, allowing your H to see his error and patience with the whole process before it does end.
So for you what does this mean? Are you willing to sacrifice going on with the situation as it is? Would you like to go on with him being between you and OW? You have options. Would you like to stay with him and work in Plan A negotiating that he end the A? Now is the time to explore your options. Also now is the time to find out what you really, really want and what you want to offer to this M and to yourself.
You can do some things on your part to try to help End the A? Have you sought out who the OW is and attempted to reveal the A to her SO or H (without actually telling your H this)? Have you revealed the A to your family and church leader or is the MC your church leader?
If not, then you can try to do these things also, which are better served to do them all at one time. Once these things are done though they may help end the A they are only the start of the work that you'll have to do with H to get toward recovery. Because again he has to decide that he wants this M. And more importantly because one of you (which is usually yhe case) or both of you will need to committ to helping get the M back on track.
For you try to deal with the aspects of the M that may cause you to be more concerned with what he is doing. Instead focus on what you want and what you can do because ultimitely you are the one out here on MB trying to work it out. So in many things you will have to lead. But to do this it helps to have your personal issues and concerns out there for you to deal with. At a bare minimum it helps to have him at least ecide to save your M and willing to let OW go, then be willing to make some actions toward change.
And lastly, but very important watch out for your sexual health and the concern of STD's. Protect yourself.
And for heaven's sake take care of you. Do things that will help you get rest at night. Do things that will help you stay in touch with yourself. If you have children take care of them too. Trust me this too will pass. Talk to friends. Post. Exercise. Eat right. Take care of yourself.
Here is a site that may be helpful.
Strategies to help you move from self-defeat to rational living I wish you the best and will offer a little prayer up for you.
<small>[ April 08, 2004, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>
