I am seperated or sort-of seperated. I would say that we are closer to divorce than M. My WH moved out almost 2 mos ago. When he has the kids (every other weekend) he ends up spending at least one whole day & night with me at our house. Just when I start to think he is coming around, he backs away again. When I back off, he comes closer.

Let me explain this a little better by telling you what really happened.
This past Thursday, I decided in C that I was going to sale the house (can't afford it on my own and don't want to be there where WH left me) and buy something cheaper and smaller for me and the kids.
It was WH weekend for the kids. I went to work on Friday. I called and told him I was calling either the realtor or my attorney today and which one did he want me to call. My thinking is that if I am going as far as selling the house and he is okay with that then why not just file for D as I see it to be inevitable. He eventually told me just to call the realtor. So I did and made appt with her for Saturday.
After work, I went to get my hair done. WH called me asking me to go to dinner w/ him & kids. So I agreed & picked them up and we went to eat. During dinner he said, "Hey, we could go to your house and watch movies tonight?" I said "you are REALLY confusing me". He said "why?" I said I called the realtor today, we're seperated, etc. He said he just thought we could spend some time together as a family. I'm thinking "What the %$&%!" I said, "WH we are SEPERATED. This is what you wanted. You either want to be with me or you don't".
I eventually found out that he was interested in seeking some SF (he loved my new hairdo). I told him that I had made the decision to be celibate until I was in a healthy marriage. So he backed off and I took him & babies back to his (1bedroom) apartment.
I went to tan then I started thinking that I really would enjoy spending time with him. I called him and told him I would love for us to sit together and watch a movie, I just don't want to be used. He said he wasn't planning on using me, but if SF happened it would be a bonus. So he ended up bringing the kids and coming over.
Kids went to bed, we watched movie, went to bed. SF did happen but it was mutual and very enjoyable. He talked to me for hours afterwards which he never does so I enjoyed that part of it too. Then next morning I borrowed the kids for a few hours and took them to a bday party and to get their pictures taken. WH showed up at the pics then we went to eat lunch then I took the baby home so WH and son could go to a movie.
They showed up at the house at 8pm and WH stayed late then put our kids to bed at OUR house. WH started to leave to go back to his apt where his "razor is, clothes are". Mind you it was still HIS weekend, I had just borrowed the kids for the party & pics. I said that he was not going to USE me again. It's his weekend and he took away alot of valueable time from me where I could've gotten alot of things done. He said BS, they are asleep, how could they be taking away your time now. I said, not now! I've had them all day. He said, Fine I'll take them. This was at 10:30pm and he got them up out of their beds and left. He was mad, I was mad. I called and left him a message on his machine saying that he was not going to USE me ever again for sex or anything else. I said I have wasted 10 yrs on a unfaithful man and husband and I wasn't going to waste one more day. I said I am calling my attorney monday morning and filing for divorce. He called back while I was brushing my teeth so I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message.
Sorry, I don't know if I have an actual question. I think this is more of a vent for me. Any comments are welcome.

Dear Moving On,

Just responding to this one post, I am working on the Boundaries in Marriage Book by Cloud and Townsend.

Could we agree to say that you would like a marriage where you H observes the boundary of being faithful?

The Boundaries book suggests that we work on our own boundaries as a prime target, so that we can encourage the observance of our desired Boundaries, by our spouse, Boundaries Law 1, As you sow; So shall you reap.

Have you tried to observe better boundaries yourself? What observance of boundaries have you tried to improve for yourself?

My vision, when my wife is losing my affection, is that I will find a small inexpensive apartment to move into. I keep trying to work on my marriage, and so far, I have not yet put the deposit money down on a small apartment yet.

I did a search on your posts for the word "boundaries" but did not come up with any hits. If you have discussed boundaries before, it would be helpful if you cound give me a reference.

Blessings

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could we agree to say that you would like a marriage where you H observes the boundary of being faithful? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes we could. I would like a loving, honest and faithful husband. Is that too much to ask?

When I pull away, WH draws near. When I try to keep him near, he pulls away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you tried to observe better boundaries yourself? What observance of boundaries have you tried to improve for yourself?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I understand the question. I think I need to SET boundaries for him to observe. I tried setting one boundary saying I was going to be celibate until in a healthy marriage. Obviously, I didn't last long on that one because when I found out he wanted it, I thought I better give it to him before he gets it from someone else and I wanted to meet his EN.
Another one that I want to do is that if he wants to be separated then we really need to live like we are separated/divorced which would mean him not coming over to visit the kids every night and staying when it's supposed to be his weekend, having sex with me, sleeping in my bed.
He is confusing me because he is so confused himself.
I need to get that book so I can better understand.

Dear Moving On,

The Boundaries inMarriage books have been helpful to me, and are widely rrecommended on the MB forum in general.

I bought the video package for $66.00, which includes the Boundaries in Marriage book, and course particpation guide, and instructors manual.


BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Available in Leather, ISBN 0-310-24612-1, Hard back ISBN 0-310-22151-X, and

Boundaries in Marriage Workbook, Paperback, ISBN 0-310-22875-1.

Boundaries, Face to Face(2003), by Clooud and Townsend

cloudtownsend.com
www.drhenrycloud.com
www.newlife.com

Boundaries Course Video
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1813624&sourceid=1500000000000000040820
Boundaries Groups:

overcomersoutreach.org
Overcomer's Outreach Boundaries Groups

celebraterecovery.com
Celebrate Recovery Boundarie Groups


Lecture Reservations:
newlife.com
1-800-new life

END OF REFERENCES

The books are fairly self-explanatory, but hte Videos have helped me to better understand how to apply the concepts,

The Boundaries books suggest changing ourselves, similar to the 180 Degree Divorce Busters, that recommends that we change some things to the oppossite of what we ordinarily think of as right.

The reference for the MB Thread under negotiations, past 60 days ago, is 180 Degree Divorce Busters

I just learn myself by discussion ideas with others. I just look around for posters who seem willing to discuss the Boundaries concepts, as that is what I am tryt to improve in my own marriage.

I'll check back, but don't mean to be oppressive.

Blessings

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>