Just wanted to share with you my plan B letter. I have seen posts where others have requested examples, so here's mine. I gave it to him on Monday, April 12th. He seemed very accepting of it. It is very sad. I have put the house on the market, I am going to go back to work full-time in May and putting the kids back in full-time daycare. I am in the process of completing a legal separation agreement that we have to get notarized. I got the form off the web - legalforms.com

My dear WH,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affairs with Carrie, Trulie, Angie, Donna, and the Walmart girl/s possible. Unbeknownst to me, I failed to meet your most important emotional needs which I now believe to know as admiration and respect. We are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship and co-worker status with Carrie once and for all. I also cannot ever move on with you unless you are willing to be faithful and honest and leave infidelity in your past.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you with the exception of any matters concerning the children.

I know that you have already moved out but I ask you to support my decision to separate from you in this way.

Sincerely,
BS

MO,

I think that you blame yourself too much. I will add that he is responsible for his action. What to do with the legal seperation?

Sounds good to me. Send it.

Well, doesn't blaming myself help me to look like the good guy? I was going to do the legal separation but from his actions, I have just decided to go ahead with the divorce. He wants to be with other girls/women and doesn't love me anymore. My 3 yr old told me he hated me and didn't want to go home with mommy. He wanted to stay with daddy at his apartment house. He said he was mad at me and was "going to beat your [censored] out of the car". Hmmm, wonder where he heard that phrase? When I cried, he laughed and told me to cry louder! What a little monster! This all happened yesterday on his 3rd birthday. I was so sad all night I spent most of the evening crying. My dad called me to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. That just made me cry even more. I'm not angry anymore. Just sad and I know that it is finally time. I have no hope for restoration. Obviously he is unwilling to change jobs or transfer or be faithful to me in our marriage. I don't want someone like that so I will move on without him.

was going to do the legal separation but from his actions, I have just decided to go ahead with the divorce.
Why not stick with Plan B for a while?

Mo, I hear you and feel your pain. It is heartbreaking to hear things like that from a little one. But you know that it is not your S. It is from your WH. That WH is not himself either. Please stay strong. Do not think about D or whatever. Let him be the bad guy, let him file for D.

Now you are D already. Do think anything legal. Let him do it, it will be to your advantage.

Okay, I will think about it this weekend. I did schedule an appointment with the attorney for Monday at 1pm. If I change my mind and decide to give Plan B some more time, then I will cancel the appt.

Some of the reasons I've decided to move on are:

1. When I went to p/u my kids yesterday, WH stared at a young pretty girl right in front of me at his apartment complex. He also told me when we went out to eat last friday that he saw this girl that looked hot, she turned around and it was me - this was after I got my hair done. He is LOOKING at other women. That means he is not ready to be with me and be faithful.

2. Last night he said he was sorry for the things my son said and that it was his fault. I said why is it your fault. He said because I am the one that decided to do this - to move out. He told son that he should be mad at daddy, not mommy. WH knows that he doesn't love me. His actions SHOW that he is not willing to change jobs, be faithful, or even work on the marriage.

3. We put the house up for sale. WH signed the papers and even installed the FOR SALE sign in the yard. He is okay with all that is happening. He is not the kind of person that will say "Stop, don't do this". He will just sit and let me do whatever I decide to do.

4. WH is not seeking counseling. I believe WH mind is entirely screwed up. He is messed up because his dad died recently and he thinks he is having a mid-life crisis. He has yet to seek help for his problems which may include sexual addiction and depression. He says he doesn't have any friends anymore. The fact is that he has burned his bridges with all that care about him and he is seeking a new set of friends at his job. They are young, unmarried, with out families.

5. WH has been cheating on me for 10yrs and lying about it. When will he decide to be faithful? How many chances do I give him?

6. Besides my beautiful children, I have wasted 10 yrs on an unfaithful man whom I have felt has never loved me. I have ALWAYS felt this way. I couldn't quite put my finger on what the problem was but I knew something was wrong. Little did I know that I was being lied to and cheated on.

7. I think we can be better friends than marriage partners. He does too. If I can get past the anger and hurt, we probably can be really good friends. Why deal with the pain of trying to force someone to love you that can't love you the way that HE KNOWS he should? And the way that you want and deserve to be loved.

8. What chance do I have with someone that won't give me a chance? NONE. I see no hope. I don't see him coming through. He doesn't follow through on anything (just like lostnhurt's WH).

I am not the type of person that will sit and wait for someone for years and years or even months and months. I feel that I have tried and done all I could do. I have been faithful, I remained and tried to work on the marriage after the first and the second dday. I will be able to look my children in the eye and tell them that I was willing to do everything I could to save the marriage and that I did do all I could. I am in counseling by myself. I go to church. I pray. I begged WH to stay and work on things. He wouldn't. He comes back for sex and to see the kids. When he gets that, he leaves. There is no fighting so why should he leave? Why would he leave when I am so Plan A'ing it? Why? Why? Why?

How many chances do I give him?
It's not necessarily about giving HIM any more chances.
It's more about giving YOU time to sort things out for yourself.

Chris,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How many chances do I give him?
It's not necessarily about giving HIM any more chances. It's more about giving YOU time to sort things out for yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not trying to be rude but how could I even give him a chance if he won't let me? He moved out, he won't call, he won't email. When he does come around, I completely Plan A-it and it is genuine. He gets what he needs from me for the length of time that he needs it then he pulls away again. It leaves me feeling used and abused.

I think I am rushing the sale of the house, but I can't afford this one and I don't want to stay here where he left me and the kids. I also don't want him to feel comfortable when he comes over to his own home. I could stay here but I will totally deplete my emergency fund over the course of a year or less just paying the mortgage. I feel like I have thought things through with my counselor and my family. I may be rushing into the divorce. Before I would ask people how do I know when it's time to move on? They couldn't answer for me, but now I feel like I have my answer and I know that I have done all I could do.

In my state, California, you can settle all of the financial issues, and still not divorce. It is much cheaper than a D. You just write it out and sign it. Both people do have to agree, though.

My WH wrote one up 7 months ago, and we had lawyer check it out. It only cost $250, but then WH refused to sign it.

You might ask your lawyer if you can do something like that. Hang in there, and try to take care of yourself. What your 3 year old is saying is just what 3 year old's say.

I'm not trying to be rude but how could I even give him a chance if he won't let me?
Huh?

I wrote, “It's (Plan B) not necessarily about giving HIM any more chances.“

When he does come around, I completely Plan A-it and it is genuine. He gets what he needs from me for the length of time that he needs it then he pulls away again. It leaves me feeling used and abused.
Why rush a divorce?
Why not Plan B for a while?
Just because you do Plan B does not mean you MUST reconcile if he later wants to work it out?
Have you read, “Surviving An Affair”?

believer,
In my state, California, you can settle all of the financial issues, and still not divorce. It is much cheaper than a D. You just write it out and sign it. Both people do have to agree, though.
That is a legal separation, not a divorce.
So you are still married?

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

What are your thoughts on our email correspondence? I feel like I have made my decision. It hasn't been 2 months since I've thought D. It's been the entire marriage. Always knew something was wrong. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. He is unwilling to change, unwilling to be faithful, doesn't know if he loves me. I just don't need this anymore. I currently feel it will take an act of God to cause me to miss my appt. with lawyer tommorrow. I have no hope that he can be a faithful, honest and loving husband or that he even wants to be.


Me: I am filing tommorrow. I guess you don't care and want it to happen.

WH:
I don’t want it to happen and I do care. What I was going to say yesterday was that I don’t have a clue what I am doing and I am not thinking clearly right now and I was going to jokingly say that maybe one of us could think clearly. I am still very confused and don’t know what the heck I am going to do. I don’t even have anyone to talk to about anything and I am going nuts. I wish my dad were here still so I could talk to him about it all, but I don’t even have that luxury anymore. I feel at times like I am going to go crazy or that I will get so depressed that, who knows what I’ll do. I just need to slow things down and calm down and be able to think things through. I will try my best to get in to see someone this week.


Me: I don't understand what all the confusion is about. Are you still in love with her? You're just not willing to work on our marriage, be faithful, be honest, be loving, end your relationship and co-worker status with her. Yes, you do need to find a professional to talk to. That doesn't help me in the meantime, though.
Shall I just sit and wait?

What are your thoughts on our email correspondence?

Me: I am filing tommorrow. I guess you don't care and want it to happen.
Sounds like you are trying to lay a passive/aggressive guilt trip on him. This is not what a marriage is about.
With this kind of talk, it would seem to him that if he chose to stay, you would simply rub it in forever.

WH:
I don’t want it to happen and I do care. What I was going to say yesterday was that I don’t have a clue what I am doing and I am not thinking clearly right now
This is very true of a ws.

Me: I don't understand what all the confusion is about. Are you still in love with her? You're just not willing to work on our marriage, be faithful, be honest, be loving, end your relationship and co-worker status with her. Yes, you do need to find a professional to talk to. That doesn't help me in the meantime, though.
Rather than cajoling him into an answer just tell him when that when he ends the affair, you will sit down to discuss the future. This does not mean you WILL reconcile or that you WILL divorce. It means you will talk about options.

Shall I just sit and wait?
Why not? You should be in Plan B and make it stick.
Why are you in a hurry to divorce? What do you have to gain/lose by doing it now vs. a year from now?

I have no hope that he can be a faithful, honest and loving husband or that he even wants to be.
Then why haven’t you divorced previously? What made you show up here at MB? (food for thought)

I currently feel it will take an act of God to cause me to miss my appt. with lawyer tommorrow.
That is your decision. I’m not suggesting you do not go, but make sure the decision is what you want because you do not want to be married to him, not simply because you are tired of trying or are too hurt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sounds like you are trying to lay a passive/aggressive guilt trip on him. This is not what a marriage is about.
With this kind of talk, it would seem to him that if he chose to stay, you would simply rub it in forever. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I won't rub it in forever or even a day. I've already done that and am willing to move on. He knows this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WH:
I don’t want it to happen and I do care. What I was going to say yesterday was that I don’t have a clue what I am doing and I am not thinking clearly right now
This is very true of a ws. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Might be true but I don't understand why. He says he is not in a relationship with her anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rather than cajoling him into an answer just tell him when that when he ends the affair, you will sit down to discuss the future. This does not mean you WILL reconcile or that you WILL divorce. It means you will talk about options. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has ended the affair but they still work together and talk. He apparantly doesn't want to discuss our options. I am willing. He is confused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Shall I just sit and wait?
Why not? You should be in Plan B and make it stick. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B seems like a divorce anyway if you ask me, a mental one at least. I CAN wait but I feel I am just putting off the inevitable. I feel like he is just trying to keep me hanging on by giving me false hope. He says one thing and does another. If he didn't want me to see the attorney, wouldn't he say "don't go!" That's what I want him to do but he won't.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why are you in a hurry to divorce? What do you have to gain/lose by doing it now vs. a year from now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummm, peace of mind. Closure. Ending something that never should've began in the first place. He was NEVER faithful to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no hope that he can be a faithful, honest and loving husband or that he even wants to be.
Then why haven’t you divorced previously? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust me, I've thought about it for years. Really thought about it since DDay but I was 5 1/2 months pregnant at the time. Just hanging on for the kids now, I suppose.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What made you show up here at MB? (food for thought) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess I'm wanting someone like you to talk me out of it or give me the answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I currently feel it will take an act of God to cause me to miss my appt. with lawyer tommorrow.
That is your decision. I’m not suggesting you do not go, but make sure the decision is what you want because you do not want to be married to him, not simply because you are tired of trying or are too hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I can't say I'm not hurt and I am tired of trying but I don't want to be with someone like him and I feel that I deserve better. Is it too much to ask for a faithful, honest husband? It shouldn't be. He would really have to make changes and put forth an effort if he wants to keep me. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE for him to want to keep the marriage going, to change his ways, to end his extra-marital relationships. But I don't see that he wants to do that. He moved out. He left his wife and kids. He won't come back. It's his decision really. All he has to do is come home and put forth some effort, but he won't. It's sad, not what I want, but what I feel I must do. I would love for him to call me tonight and say he wants to work things out. The minute he does, I will probably be very willing. Until then....we'll see.

I would give Plan B a chance. It is very helpful for the BS. It gives you time and peace to think things over, and really look at the marriage. It also heals you. It is a mistake to do anything right now if you are tired and hurting.

Your WH sounds mixed up, like they all do. He is depending on you to be the strong one. Plan B will let you be strong, and also give you some time to feel better.

I am seriously considering it. He is losing it, talking about looking at his life insurance policy to see how long he needs to be on it. His mom called the police to check on him when he hung up on her. He is seriously depressed, talking about suicide. I know it is a cry for help. I tried to get him to talk to someone but he feels so alone for some reason. I feel pity for him. He called tonight and said he isn't going to get the kids. He said he can't. Then he called back and said I didn't need to call the police because he's not going to do anything to himself. If he is so depressed and confused, why doesn't he do something about it? If he doesn't want a divorce, then why doesn't he stop me?

WH called tonight to say he would like to have a conciliatory talk with me. He sounded angry for some reason. He is still confused and majorly depressed. He said he wishes none of this would have ever happened. I agreed. I looked up the word but I'm still not sure if this means he wants to reconcile (get back together) or just agree on legal issues such as money, property, etc. He did ask if I had paid my attorney anything. I said no.
I called him later and said that I was going to hold off on the divorce for now until I think things through.
What do you think? What do you think he meant? If he does want to get back together, what should my boundaries, conditions be? If he doesn't and just wants to agree on money, property, custody, doesn't that mean I should just go ahead with the divorce?
Advice Please!