Its been a long time since I've been here. i'm not sure how much history to put here, so my post may seem a little confusing. It has been a week since going to plan b. i was really looking forward to this as i am out of the house (his house, 'a male domain' as he calls it) and i love the place i am in. but i ever since i sent him the plan b letter by email, i have been a basket case. i'm not sure if it is because i am hanging onto some hope that the guy i fell in love with is still there or if the finality of this is getting to me.

i have heard back some comments about the email from our contact person. it wasn't very good. he is still denying any affair happening. actually she said that he denied an affair to her before he even got my email and then again afterwards. says he now has to go and have an affair before he can talk to me again. this is really hurting me right now. i was there and caught him and he knows that i caught him. i have told his family and friends and boss, even wrote to the ow to break it off, but he is still denying it to everyone but me. (to me, he just says they are friends and its not an affair)

i have been in tears all day, need to pick up my son from his sitter soon and find a way to hide my swollen eyes. i thought that by this time i would be over some of this grief. i made the trip here (son and i are in a different state from h) about a month ago and it was so much nicer to be here and away from the stress and turmoil that i couldn't wait to get back. now i keep having second thoughts ever since we got back here. i want this to be our permanent home but that seems like i am giving up on my marriage. h and i had planned on moving here this year (ja that he backed out on) and i don't want to give up on this dream now.

so i am just writing down some of this to get it out of me, (maybe lessen up the tears) so i can get on with the things i wanted to accomplish while in plan b.

will add more later.

U,

From your name, are you U of Michigan fan?

I can feel your pain and hurt, because I have the same as yours. Please hang in here, lots of people will talk to you.

Lots of love and hugs.

Dear U of M Fan,

I read the post on this thread. I know a little about ADHD, but I don't know the term ADHD-ASD. There are many combinations of characteristics of ADHD. Many ADHD kids are good at splitting their parents.

What is it you expect from Plan B? I am working on the Boundaries in Marriage concepts, and videos. Is is fair to say that H's affair is outside your limits of being able to remain married to him?

Certainly Radical Honesty is a good ideal to try to live up to. Is it important the H admit to everyone that he had an A?

If H were Willing to end the A, what steps would he need to take to convince you that the A was ended? What are your boundaries for associating with the OW or other women in general?

Have you gone over the 10 MB Emotional Needs, and identified everything that H was doing for you, and have you fully come up with a decision that his behaviour does not meet your overall needs?

Do you think H is close to coming with you? Have you thought of some face-saving approaches for H, without admitting the A?

I don't pretend to know why you are crying or sad. I suspect your H is still attractive to you. What are your options to get back together?

What else might you expect to gain from Plan B?

Is the only issue the Affair? My wife and I went through 3 parenting courses over the years with our ADHD-ODD son, and ODD daughter. We always got along better after the courses.

Blessings,

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

lostnhurt - yep! True blue & maize fan here! (it is one of my pleasures in life) and thanks for the post- it means a lot to me right now.

whaler (funny to get a post from you while i was reading some of your other replies!)

ASD - autism sprectrum disorder

plan b - i was hoping to move on with my life. plan a was not bringing our marriage back together, h would even make comments that i could not change enough to make him love me again. and many times that i would get to him (by filling any en's) he would push away.

honestly, i don't know if the affair is outside my boundary. i have already survived through one of h's affairs about four years ago. i forgave him for this one but two days later (after dday) he started acting like nothing was still happening even though none of his habits had changed. (as soon as h is in an affair, he is gone at odd hours, starts hanging out with the 'guys', only looks after his own needs and gives me the 'ILYBNILWY')(actually, he hasn't even said that lately, just 'i don't hate you' which for some reason hurts me more than the ILYBNILWY)

no, i really don't care if he doesn't admit to everyone, but i would like him to be honest w/me. after the dday of the first affair, he said if i forgive him then lets forget it and never talk about it again. i can't do that again. look where it got me!

i found that the ow works with him. i would like for one of them not to work there anymore, but don't really know if that would help. i was a work romance, and so was the first affair. before this i really didn't have any problems with him associating with other women but now i don't know. he started looking at porn online about the same time also, and he never has done that before. i don't want to stand over top of him with everything he does. i just want the security that i was the only one he wanted to be with. i don't think i can ever have that again.

h definitely does not fill my en's. i realized that over a couple of years ago and still love him unconditionally. the problem (and partly the reason for the tears today) is that for the first year we were together, he overfilled my en's. literally swept me off my feet. and it took a long time for me to come down off of the cloud i was on. today, one of my neighbors put a big 'i love you' sign to his SO today and that was something my h would have done for me years ago. i guess maybe i should have played 'hard to get' for a lot longer.

i guess i am kind of hurt over the intensity of this affair. she is getting the attention that i want from my h. it hurts. he can be a great guy, but all i get is bitterness, anger, grumpiness and threats. i know that it is the right thing for me to be in plan b. i want this fresh start to get on with my life. i guess i even knew that i would have to cry but i have held it in for so long and now i don't know if i can stop. right now, all i want is to show my affection for h and not get rejected. i just want to hug him, kiss him and say i love you over and over. sorry, i'm rambling.

with everyone i have told about the a, i told them that i was working on getting my marriage back together and that if they could encourage h to do the right thing i would appreciate it. i wouldn't think this would let him lose face unless he chooses to be w/her.

parenting issues are a major sore spot between us. h takes no involvement in our asd son's life and it shows. s has not even asked about dad or asked to go visit him. he used to, but h has managed to push him away over the past six months while we wer in plan a. this is another low point for me today also. i have always had the feeling that h partially blames me for s' problems and that since h can't deal with him on a day to day basis, he has thrown us out to go for something or someone better. that probably sounds bitter, but i deal with all the everyday tasks, and h gets to go out and play.

that's it for now. i really need to pull myself out of this funk and get back to accomplishing what i set out to do. (might be tomorrow as i need to let some more tears out <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )
thanks everyone.

U,

I am in Michigan. If you are here, maybe we can get togehter to pour some of our bitterness together.

I can see how similar our situation is. The only thing is that after the D say, he was btter and more willing to be with kids. If I go on Plan B, I would rather not to let him see the kids. But I don't know whehter I can do that. Hnag in here, we will go through it.

Hi uofmfan,

you might want to consider joining Penny's group "The Women&#8217;s Protection Phase Support Group"...I've heard others find it really helpful...

here's the link...it's about 1/2 way down the page...
support group

awed

lostnhurt. thanks so much for the reply. wish i had found you earlier in this, right now i am not in michigan. and not really sure if i will come back. i know that will probably create a hardship in any relationship that my h and i ever have, but i have found a place that is better than any home i have ever lived in. (i will always remain a uofm fan though!)

awed18. thanks so much for the reply. i plan on joining in at the next session of penny's group. (as long as my son will share the internet that night!)

U,

we still can support each other. Just come here.

Dear U of Michigan Fan,

Since you answered nearly all my previous questions, it appears that you are not in denial about very much, and you are probbaly taking a mature, thoughtful attitude about the situations. So please feel good about yourself, and find some people in your new location, for support.

I am somewhat familiar with autism, but there is a range of emotional age-level maturity and various levels of language skills. Would you like to share some of your son's developmental challenges? For children with disabilities, emotional support is often an increased need, offsetting their disabiity.

Is your son's LD condition entirely your responsibilty? Was there any role by H?

Has H ever taken a parenting classes with you? It seems probably a little late for that now. There are groups of parents of Autistic children that meet and are politically active for the rights of their children. Might be a good source of supoprt. Have you ever visted chadd.org?

Was H supposed to find a job in your present locality? What happened to his plans to move?

For more detailed descriptions of how to compete with internet porn, you might check out curezone.com, or sexual forums.com. I am personally turning my marriage around with the Clound and Townsend videos, Boundaries in Marriage, from walmart.com, and cloudtownsend.com.

Please accept my attempts at support.

Blessings

whaler. thanks so much for the message, i don't feel nearly as good about myself as i should, at least not in the past couple of days. but i'm getting there. i love this area that i live in now and i'm sure everything will fall into place.

first about h. whew. his parenting skills lack something but i'm not sure how to explain it. h tells me all the time that he is the better parent, i favor my kids and let them get away with everything. (which isn't true) i see him as not spending enough time with the kids until they are out of the house (due to age or divorce). and then he is a conflict avoider, so if the ex's say he can't have them he won't fight for them. his oldest son had to find him (teenage pregnancy, his mom and h were never married) at 18 yo, even tho they only lived 10 miles apart. but, if i was to try and say we needed to take a parenting class, you would probably see the smoke from where ever you are! (maybe that is why he made up before the first div that i filed - we were scheduled to take a parenting class for the courts)

as for his plans to move. i believe it is fear. we were offered a package job offer in this area a while ago and he refused over some comment the plant manager said. they retracted my offer also. he never would tell me exactly what was said, but he goes around the subject. i found a different job out here and he agreed that i move first so he could work on our house back there and then move in a year. six months later he says he only agreed to this to make me happy and that he was never going to move.

now about our s. he is the greatest. i can see where h wants to put blame on me (and i carry an enormous amount of guilt over this) since at 1.5 yo our s suffered a serious injury. he regressed backwards in all his development and it has been an ongoing battle ever since. s (7yo) is at a 5 yo development stage in some areas, 3 yo in language. which is still great in my eyes, one of the first drs we seen said he would never talk. he loves to be hugged and cuddled and will make eye contact 70% of the time. he is a joy and i call him my little angel. sometimes i have a hard time, but that's rare and most days i am overjoyed having this child in my life and i feel sorry that h is missing out on him.

thanks again and i will check into those websites. i was really shocked to find that my h had been on those sites since we have always told the boys how wrong that was.

take care.