I have tried Plan A and also Plan B and nothing seems to work. I was in Plan B for six months and then WS and I talked about getting back together when OW was all of a sudden pregnant. He had moved all of his things back in and told everyone it was over with her. Now the nightmare begins again. Now he's with her again because of the baby. It's so hard to do Plan A because I get physically sick when I hear that w****'s name.
Plan B is even harder because the thought of not talking to WS is more than I can take. I doubt a letter would do any good at this point. The 6 months with NC was awful. Is there a Plan C?

I am sorry for the situation. But i am no expert. Juat send you a lot of love and hug.

Doesn't anyone have any ideas? Please! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Did you try to consel with SH?

When did he move back home?
And when did she announce she was pregnant; when did he go back to her?

If this all happened really recently, then maybe it won't last long?

If he had decided to come home and then felt he had to go back to her because of the pregnancy, then he probably won't be too happy with her. Also, it might turn out that she really isn't pregnant. So, if this is a really recent development, it may turn out he doesn't stay away for long.

This must be really scary and frustrating for you - to think he was back and then he goes back to her AND she's claiming to be pregnant! How awful. But don't panic. There's really not much you can do anyway besides wait and see what happens next.

Has he said anything to you about how he feels about it? How did he tell you about going back to her, about the pregnancy?

Has he gone back to her like this before? If so, did it last long? My WH & OW have broken up LOTS. And although they keep getting back together, the break-ups are lasting longer (once for a month and a half) and the make-ups don't even last a week anymore. I honestly don't know how common it is for the adulterers to break-up/make-up over and over again... (I'm pretty sure though that my WH & OW must be going for the record LOL - it seems most people get the big picture and are able to face the reality a tad quicker) I do think that if they make-up and break-up more than a few times they will start to get feedback from others (family/friends/coworkers) that it has to end. So sometimes the going back and forth can work in the betrayed spouses favor?

It is really scary and disheartening though.
I feel for you. Try not to put too much hope OR despair into what he says or does until he becomes more stable. He's on an emotional roller coaster right now and so are you - being affected by his confusion. If you can detach some you will feel better. I know easier said than done...

Cyn,

I'm so sorry this is happening. It seems you have done many things "right...." but it didn't have the effect you desired.

I'm also sorry to have to say that there IS no "Plan C" - there's only Plan "D" (divorce). Of course I'm sure you dont' want THAT!!!

At this time it seems the best thing you can do is Plan B, and let him and her (and baby makes 3............) just try to make a "happy" little life together.

IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!! But until he realizes it, there's really not much you can do. You can only work on YOU in the meantime, and next time, make sure you aren't too quick to take him back without requiring a LOT of work on HIS part to "prove" himself to you!!!!!

God Bless,

I would stay in totally dark plan B until you are ready to move on. Plan B is a protection for your LB$, with time it will get drained and by then you would look back and say ... what the h3ck I was thinking, I had wasted my time and energy !.

-rh-

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Cyn
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I would like to make some suggestions.

First, of all try not to make it all about the OW. I'll tell you I wasted so much time on her. By doing this it always caused me to blame her instead of looking at my H. Secondly, making her the culprit caused me to miss looking at the problems that existed in the R. It prevented me from seeing that I really wasn't ahppy with my h and hadn't been for some time. It also caused me to be so preoccupied with her that I put myself down.

See the situation for what it is. No more and no
less. In all her wrong doing she is simply a woman that is acting like a w****. But see your H as a man that is also acting like, well you know what I mean. He is a man who is making some not so good decisions that are endangering your R. Don't make them your nemesis because it can ruin you. See it as is it. Don't try to add or take from it.

Plan B, on the good and dark may be what you need right now. First, of all to allow yourself the peace of not dealing with him, his compromising with her, and trying to act like he is out of the R (with her)when you probably feel strongly that he really wants to stay in it. Do you want to go on with him not really stepping up to the the plate and telling you the truth and doing what is right by you and this M? Do you like the person that he is now. Would you even give him a second chance if you had met him and he acted as he is now?

Second of all, WHAT do you want? If you want a marriage with a faithful man, taking him back when you aren't sure where he really is, will not get you want you want.

I will tell you from my own experience, that my h (at the time my fiance), was doing all kinds of disrespectful things. But I kept dismissing them. When it all boiled down to it, he had really made up his mind that he wanted to run after this woman. It was the quest of having something he could not have. He knew he couldn't have her and that he jeopardized our R for something that wasn't even important because he felt he had to. Though he was showing me this I totally disregarded it.

SO what do you want? Now is the time to figure it out. You may need to solicit the help of a counselor to help you. But until you H is ready to make some decisions and show you different you owe it to yourself to forget about a Plan C and put him to the wind. Otherwise, you may be looking at a long,hard road that may inevitiably end in total seperation or divorce.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>

Cyn 1018,
That news is just awful. I feel really badly for you right now. Mostly because it sounds as though you took all the correct steps in plan A and B. Indeed, because WH was moving back in it showed that they can work. Unfortunately, then you get this major setback. (Sorry my words can't convey how much I know your hurting over this). Those who have written how Unfair the BS lot in this whole mess of affairs is, are certainly right.

Guess the only advice I could give is (if you still think he and the M are worth it) is to go back into a Full plan B. (NOT what you want to hear right now I'm sure!) After all it did work once, so chances are it could again. However, I would send out this warning. It most likely will take awhile to see a result. Why? Because your WH and the OW's fantasy bubble will be in full effect because of the upcoming baby. They will probably "play house" and have the illusion of the perfect family at least until the reality of a new baby hits the scene. Its much easier to deal with the concept of a newborn and all that goes with it, then to actually deal with the reality of the son/daughter. But they most likely will be in TOTAL "fantasy land" up until the birth. (Maybe not, but I believe its a good bet). So please be ready for that possibility.

Consequently, you may have a long road to hoe before your WH will even begin to have his fog lifted again. Guess you need to ask your self if you can go through all that again? I agree with you that this really does Suck. I mean you did what you needed too, did such a good job of it that it actually worked, and then you get blindsided yet once again. SO Sorry for you.

Since this is MB'ers I won't write what else I'm thinking, although I suspect you either are or will be thinking it too. Whatever you do decide to do, I hope it will work out for you.

The thing that is so hard is the fact that I know she got pg. on purpose to keep him. He wants a child and she knew this. Whether the baby is his is another story. This nasty w**** has a husband and children. What right did she have to take those things away from me?

Well, maybe a DNA test will prove its not his and then problem solved. (At least this one). If faking a child's paternity isn't a nuclear LBer I don't know what is. So I guess you can hope that she's been having sex with her H too.

As I wrote earlier, there may not be much that can be done on any front Until the baby is born. You'll have to decide if you have the strength to see it through.

As to your Question: Neither she nor anyone else ( including your H ) has the Right to take this gift away from you. NONE at all!

Have you let her H know what is going on?

WS knows but doesn't seem to care. OW has slept with other men and for some reason he refuses to believe it. However so many poeple know this. His own father says he's insisting on a DNA test. So what does that tell you. Right now WS is so far in the fog he can't see daylight.

Cyn,

In reading your post I know that you are going through a hard time. It would have to be so hard dealing with your H and the OW being pregnant. Oh my goodness that just compounds the problem.

I understand your anger at her, because I have found from my own experience many times the OP is very manipulative. However it seems that you are giving the OW so much power over this situation.

Maybe she was manipulating the situaion by not being more protective with her body but you do know that your H allwed and is allowing himself to be manipulated. He as well could've done more to use protection to ensure that in the midst of all this he didn't hurt you even more by risking the possibilty of impregnanting her.

Furthermore, to prevent possibly sharing a disease from her to you especially being that she seems to be a promiscuous (hope I spelled that right)woman.

You see your H with more compassion acknowledging that he is in the "fog". But she too may be in a type of fog. Regardless of her let's put her to the curb for the moment. I hope not to offend you but I'm posting the issues about your H because I guess I'm wanting to steer your eyes back to what you can do to help yourself.

Maybe you can't change what he/she's done but you can change what you do to heal yourself, to deal with the aspects of you that may be in pain and in so much need of restoration. Looking at what she (OW) has done alone will prevent you from seeing the betrayal of your H and the thus seeing what is right there in front of you.

Together they have taken precious experience from you and a M. But what they can't take from you is what you can give to yourself. That is truth, healing, strength to go on regardless of this ordeal.

Now I'm not tyring to steer you from your H, but I am trying to say that you will have to look at those parts of you that are placing so much anger toward her and not seeing the whole pic of what is going on wuth your H as well. If you don't see this it is possible that you may be duped by him again. I hoping all will turn out for your best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>

I realize WS is just as guilty. I do acknowledge my part in all of this as well. It seems like a very high price to pay for something someone else did. The A was one thing, but the baby issue eats me up inside. OW has children but yet had to take that away from me too. She used that to take him away. WS said he was careful, doesn't remember the night in question but for some reason wants to believe the baby is his. Everyone gets to go on their merry way and I'm left picking up the pieces. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Cyn

Do you feel that you are being paid back or recieving some sort of punishment for the things that you didn't do?

I felt this and I think that many BS wrestle with it.

Maybe there were a good and plenty of things that you didn't do. Or maybe it is that there was more you could've done but didn't take the time to do it. Or maybe some things you didn't do out of simply not knowing. Let's put that to the side for the moment.

Despite all of this, did you physically bring the 2 of them together? Did you force them to take the actions that they've chosen to take?

Of course not, even if you were neglectful in some things you still didn't choose to do what they did. It is about choices and you chose still not to be unfatithful to your H (unless there is something that you haven't added to this post.) So you can't possible take responsibility for the choices that they made. Don't beat yourself up about what they chose to do. My goodness, Cyn it is like putting a double whammy on yourself.

She isn't taking him away Cyn-he's deciding to go. Just as you can decide that regardless of what they've done you too can get past this things. You can be restored from what they've done. Again I'm not trying to get you to side against your H, but I'm trying to say see this thing as what it is.

In a way maybe I am being paid back. I don't know. It makes me feel so lousy like WS would rather be with a bar w**** than me. I feel he thinks I am the most awful person that ever lived because he'd rather have "her" as the mother of his child. It makes me want to throw up! No matter what, she wins and I am left with nothing. Everyone knows he's with her and I am the No.1 fool.