This is such a trying time, I don't know how people do this for years and years. It's only been since Jan 27 for me and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I have good days and bad days. My H has told me things that I should be appreciative of even though he has also said things that I never thought I would hear from him. Of course instead of holding on to the positives, my mind focuses on the negatives. I'm trying to finish up grad school, have several projects to complete but I just can't focus. Even when I am doing my work, in the back of my mind I keep having bad thoughts. H is out of town right now, will be back either tomorrow night or Monday. He has sworn to me that he is not having an affair, says he respects me too much for that but that his feelings have changed. (I got the ILY but NILWY speech originally on Jan 27, again on March 27). Somewhere else on this site someone referred to feeling as if they were on a rollercoaster, that is a perfect analogy. One minute you are up, the next minute you are down. To me the downs are much lower than the height of the highs. (does that make sense?) Anyway, I've tried St. Johns Wart, need to take some today, but I'd like some feedback about how some of you handle your bad times. I am praying, reading scripture, reading several books, posting here and on other sites, I just can't seem to keep the good feelings going. I know what I'd really like is a quick fix, I don't guess there is one other than my husband having a complete attitude change. Oh, hopefully someone will have some advice to help me get to the other side of through........

I understand - have had to struggle with the same thing.

I am on an anti-depressant now and it does help a lot.

So you suspect your husband is having an affair but no evidence yet, right? I already knew my husband was having an affair when I came to this sight so I'm not sure if there's any advice on this site you can read about how to find out? But I guess you would be doing Plan A anyway just because of the ILYBNILWY speech? And even though you have to struggle with your suspicions and emotional rollercoaster from worrying, Plan A can be enjoyable in many ways. I'm not sure what else to say but to try to find out what your husband's emotional needs are, focus on satisfying them (the fun part), and see how he reacts. If he puts a wall up or acts annoyed by your attention, then maybe he is having an affair... And I guess unless you find evidence of it or he confesses it, you just keep on Plan A?

It could just be things are getting a little ordinary for him and/or he's depressed or worried about something (work/finances/midlife crisis)?

Hopefully somebody with more experience and helpful advice will post soon.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I totally understand this emotion rollercoaster. I was way down this morning all the way till about couple hours ago. I feel better now. My way to get off that is to talk to people, post a lot on this board. you can see how my thread is. Just keep posting.

It truly is difficult, even in your case where your H says he is not having an A. Now, I would examine this closer. Could he be having an emotional affair? Is he particularly close to any colleagues? Who does he confide in other than you?

I'm just bringing this up, because to recover your M, you need to know what you are up against. If it's true that he's "just" fallen out of love with you, then it's time to get moving. Have you given him the EN questionaire from here? How are you faring in meeting his ENs?

The second part is taking care of you. It sounds like you are very busy with little time to enjoy yourself. You will need to look at your situtation and figure out when you can carve out 15 minutes to have a coffee or go for a walk.

Also, this is a time for you to reassess what you want out of your life and your relationship. Have you been happy with how things were going with H before his announcement? What do you want to change?

And finally, the divorce busting and 180 degree ideas might be more appropriate for you. You might. also, consider taking a break from school. I really couldn't function at work for a few months. Luckily, I have very understanding bosses.

How are your doing PrayingForChange?

Have you been able to figure out anything more about the cause of your husband's depression (or not feeling in love with you anymore)?

Have you been trying to figure out and meet his most important emotional needs?

If so how has he reacted to that?

Are you keeping yourself busy and taking care of yourself?

Have you been reading the info here to get a better idea of what you can (and maybe more importantly) can't do?

I think you should try to stay off whatever emotional roller coaster your husband may be riding. He will need to see that you can be stable and there for him through whatever it is he's going through. So (I know it's hard) try not to worry too much about the what if's and take care of your self as well as your husband's emotional needs.

Share your worries and vents with us so we can support you and help you to not Love Bust or act clingy with your husband. That will only make him feel like putting up even more of a wall against you.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by prayingforchange:
<strong> my mind focuses on the negatives. I am praying, reading scripture, reading several books, posting here and on other sites, I just can't seem to keep the good feelings going.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear praying,

There really is only ONE WAY to keep the "feelings" from overwhelming you.........at least the solution - I found - is KEEP your mind focused on the Lord. At first I was reading about 2 hours a night from my Bible........couldn't even stand watching TV, with all the JUNK on it.

I bought and read (in one night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) the book by Joyce Meyers, The Battlefield of the Mind".

The devil wants us to focus on the negative all the time! He wants us to speak into the negatives......cause he knows if we spend too much time thinking about the negatives, we can't see all the positive things God is doing for us!!

C'Mon.............do it right now!!! Go make yourself a list of ALL the "blessings" in your life!! And then start (and continue) to Thank the Lord for those blessings!!

One final thing I did that helped me was to ONLY listen to Praise Music. Whenever I would get depressed, or sad, I would MAKE myself listen to Praise music, either on the radio or a tape. It forced me to put my thoughts into the Lord, or in a positve place, which helped take away a lot of the negatives going on around me!

Finally, I surrendered the entire situation to the Lord. Now, it's not my problem, so WHY WASTE TIME THINKING ABOUT IT?!?!?!

That has helped me "endure" this for 3 long years! I hope this helps you..........

God Bless,