i am the husband with a wife that is haveing an affair. sorry this is my first forum,but i need help. i have been trying plan a for 3 mo. but am getting no ware. all freinds and fammly are telling her to leave him alone,she works with him but doesnt wish to leave the job feild she has chosen to work in,their are not manny jobs out their. she needs to get certifications for her collage degee but is dragging her feet i feel that is becouse if she gets them she will lose this guy. i have tryed to get her to transfer to a diffrent location in the commpany,but she refuses. this past weekend i found picktures of him in her work folders,iknow i shouldn't be looking thu her stuff but i have seen so manny lies. i try not to look. she also works one night a week at a local wal-mart to help make ends meet. her boss at wal-mart told her he had to fire one of the other empoleyes so she has a comprable paying job to go to . sorry, this weekend after i found the pic's i asked her agin to leave him and try to see if her fellings for me are truly as weak as she told me they are,she said that she loves me but not the way she used to. i have tryed to get her to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire while i was filling out one also,but she did not finnish it ,has been 5 weeks since she stopped woking on it. but at the end of our conversation she said that a seperation mite be best. she told our kids ,13 and 5,that she would be staing some place else for a while. but the next day she was back saying that she couldn't be with out her kids. i know that ther is more i havent said about our situation but i don't want to waste space. our freinds that are talking to both of us say that she does love me and if she can get away from him we mite me able to work things out. she told one person that she is messing her life up. so i know that she knows she needs to get away from him but i feel like dr. harley says she is addicted to the feelings this affair is giving her. i hope some one will read this and be able to help. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 05:08 AM: Message edited by: dmb1967 ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to come for help and support.

Plan A needs to be done for a longer period of time, if you feel like you can do it. Also if the OM is married, you can let his wife know what is going on.

Later you can go to Plan B. It sounds pretty hopeful that she does not want to leave her kids. Be sure that you don't leave. If someone goes, it needs to be her.

You can also expose the affair at her work. Affairs thrive in secrecy. And be sure to take good care of yourself. It is miserable at first, but does get better.

Believe always have good advice and very warm. Listen to her advice. i am very torn myself and can not offer you anything advice. Just send my support.

Hi, wish you didn't have to come here (weren't having to go through this) but welcome,

For the kids' sake, the best thing would be to try to Plan A as long (and more importantly) as well as you can. Do all you possibly can to fill her Love Bank and to not Love Bust. She won't make this easy for you to do. She will try to start arguments, to hurt you or make you angry enough to provoke you to Love Bust. She will do this so she can justify the affair. Even if she doesn't fill out the emotional needs questionnaire, still do all you can to fulfill her needs. Only go to Plan B if you feel you can't remain loving towards her in Plan A. But if she tries to hurt the kids (because she can't get you to Love Bust by trying to provoke you) then go to Plan B. Also, you will eventually have to go to Plan B if she doesn't end the affair - wants to be a cake-eater by having both you and the OM fulfill her needs.

Once you go to Plan B stay there. By staying in Plan A as long as you can, and doing the best job at Plan A as you possibly can, you will have less what-if worries tempting you to break Plan B and less regrets if you end up divorced.

Whatever you do, PLEASE don't make the same mistake many of us who post here (including me) have made: Do NOT waffle back and forth between Plan A and Plan B. Do not Love Bust or beg and cling. It won't work. And it will amke her afraid to trust your assurances that you love her, will be able to forgive her, will stand by her, and can ge through recovery together. You will need to show strength and courage so she can rely on you. Act weak or whiny, indecisive, wafflign between begging her to come home or blasting her for what she's doing, and she will stay away. She's on an emotional roller coaster - DO NOT climb on that ride with her! Stay on stable ground with your kids so she can feel safe coming home to you.

As much as is possible protect your kids from this. Don't lie to them or try to hide or cover up (especially for the teen who will no doubt see right through it anyway). But try to keep their lives as normal as possible. It's too soon to give up on Plan A yet but if your wife wants to leave don't try to stop her. But also be aware that if she comes and goes she will be building false hope for your kids and then hurting them over and over again each time she leaves again. They will take it as a rejection no matter what the so-called experts who claim divorce isn't so bad on kids claim. So stay in Plan A unless your wife thinks she can come home one week, leave the next, come home again... Plan B will protect you and your children from being hurt so much.

I made the mistake of believing my husband when he would tell me that he & OW were broke up for good. I would give him another chance but then he'd go back to OW. Now our kids don't want have anythign to do with him and I don't know if THEY will ever forgive him or trust him again (let alone me)!

thank you,belever. i need the encoragement right now.ww spent the night at a freinds house at the end of the weekend,i also know the woman, said they stayed up all night talking and were both late for work on monday. before she left that night she was crying while having a talk with the same woman that is why the woman offered a place and a sholder.when she came home she said we need to talk but we had a good night with the kids and both of us fell a sleep early from lack of sleep,her on the sofa me in bed. so thanks much . dmb1967

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 05:11 AM: Message edited by: dmb1967 ]</small>

lostnhurt, thanks for the support. same to you. we have to stay strong if for no one else but ourself. dmb1967

meremortal, thanks,i dont beleve she would hurt the kids,but is food for thought. have already leveled with the teen[boy]and i see him a bit distant from his mom right now,even more than normal teen stuff.i hope it dosent hurt the bond. i also saw a dr. and got on antidepressants only been a day hope they help so i dont brake down in front of the boys as much. thanks much and best wishes,dmb1967

The anti-D's help a lot. They don't make you happy, but it will be easier to cope. There are tons of people here who have been through the same thing you are going through. We will help you.

Just remember that an A is like an addiction. So your wife may act like an addict. Expect fog talk-like she loves you, but is not in love with you, needs space, blah, blah, blah. They all say the same things and it is very hurtful.

Now that you have found this site, you have a plan. Your wife does not. You can get through this and have better days ahead.

believer, i spent a couple of hours in hear last night. looking at every ones posts. i found yours,lostnhurt's&meremortal's i was geting to know my new freinds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> believer reading yours i've come to realize your stringth. sorry!but you remind me of my mom. LOL. i consider her a saint for dealing with my dad,no a's they do love each other but he is a pain in the but. he's retired has bad hip and can't walk well so has mom do every thing. she said it like having a big spoiled baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> sorry about the run on but i'm just learning. last night ww worked 2nd job tryed to have the talk from the other night. we sat in the living room while she ate pizza i had fixed for her. she called on the way home like i asked her to so i could get it ready. the boys were in bed already but the oldest got up to get a drink and said hi. lol my youngest is sleeping on the sofa by me and is laffing in his sleep so cute! back to her,she ate then sat. i finaly said "you know we need to talk" she just sat with her head in her hands looking at the tv. i whated. i said "i love you you can tell me" she said i know i whated. this was in a half hour,i said calmly "we need to work something out" she said don't push me. i said i'm trying not to. she finaly got on the i-net she said she had to e-mail tammy,the woman that she talked to and stayed with the other night. i gave her space to work. before i got to bed she looked at me over her laptop and said if it settles you mind i talked with her boss at 2nd job about more hours he's not sure becouse a diffrent woman asked also. sounds like a cop out. she said shes not comfortable talking yet.HA. the anti-d did help i think was very calm. well i need to get ready for work. might be a few days before i check back nights full of kids after school stuff t-ball and martial arts. be good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />