Recent Changes. Here they are.

Monday - went to see attorney to file. Left before finalizing to talk to WH to see if it would be contested or uncontested. I went to WH work to talk about it. Talked. Saw OW. Went up and told her she "could have him becuase I'm done with him".

Monday evening - WH majorly depressed, threatening suicide(?) MIL called police to check on him. Played it off to police.

Tuesday evening - WH called and said he can't p/u kids. Wanted to have a conciliatory meeting. Told me he talked to OW. She told him all he ever was to her was someone that made her feel good about herself. WH severly depressed. He wants to reconcile maybe but wants to make sure he is doing it for the right reasons. Said he would come get kids Wed am.

Wednesday morning - WH called and said he can't p/u kids, can't see me or them. Has appt with his dr at 9:45am.

Wed afternoon - WH called and said he was diagnosed with Major Depression. Was referred to a psychiatrist. Said he wasn't going to work.
Called later to say he was going because he had to - his boss was there.

I feel like his 2nd choice or his back-up plan. I am majorly disgusted by all of this. I don't know what to do, don't know if I want him now. He asked if he could take the house for sale sign down. I said no. I don't know if I can ever forgive him or be involved with him again. I can't believe he is so depressed because of her. They were never PA. Just EA. He loves her. Makes me sick. She "inspires him and I've never made him feel that way." His words. I feel like the saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". What do I do?

I dont reply very often because I am fairly new myself but I do know that things are bad enough without having his deprssive state about OW shoved in your face. I think his talk is all fog talk. Can you take yourself out of the equation for a few days/weeks to give you time to calm down. You need to be strong yourself to deal with a depressed person. Will the legal things wait a while? Do you need to be having legal dealings with him?

Well, the house is up for sale and he is paying me child support and daycare, so I guess it can wait. We have talked about using a mediator rather than lawyers. Does anyone have any experience with mediators? He is debating about giving me 1/2 of his father's estate money when he gets it. It is in the best interest of the children for him to do so and so that they will have equal standards of living. I am pretty sure he will do it.

MO, I agree with FI. Can you put the D for a while? Do you have to do it now? Do you have finance security now without a D?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ?Moving On?:
<strong> I don't know if I can ever forgive him or be involved with him again. I can't believe he is so depressed because of her.
I feel like the saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". What do I do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear ?Moving On?

YOU asked, "what do I do?" I would ask you: What do you WANT to do?

I notice from your sig line that you have followed the MB "steps" to the letter...........Plan A, then Plan B........etc.

What did you hope to accomplish? To get WS away from OW? Well, it happened! NOW what do you want?

I think you need to assess that aspect first. IF what you want is your M back, better, and stronger than ever, that is now in your sights.

H seems "ready" to work on that, ow seems to be "out of the picture. Of course that could change............but this "depression" over the end of the A is very common.

If what you want is to salvage and rebuild your M, then - YES - you've got to allow him to "grieve" for the death oftheir R first (where's the gag icon when you need it?)

Have you read the Concepts pages about "How A's End"? It's very informative, and can help you cope with this (distressing) aspect of end of A's.

God Bless,

Hi MovingOn,

Yea, I think what hurts the most is seeing what a love-sick fool my husband is acting like over an adulteress!

It's shockign how much he's willing to hurt not only me but our daughters because he's 'in love'.

Makes me feel like puking.

Sometimes I don't know if I can ever really respect him again.

Sure, I know all about the fog-talk and the addiction, but COME ON!

I told my daughters it's like knowing he's an alcoholic but then wondering why he slurs his speech and stumbles when he tries to walk... But they say I'm just making excuses and should dump him. And if he were an alcohlic, and wouldn't stop drinkign and was hurting his family and making a fool out of himself because of booze, I probably would just dump him...

It used to be hard not to contatc him during Plan B because I would miss him, or worry about him, or be afraid by Plan B'ing him I was just allowing him and OW to see each other more. But now the biggest temptation not to call him is because I'm angry and want to tell him off and just dump him.

It really bothers me that the divorce won't be until September and he apparently thinks therefore he has several more months to be with OW counting on me to be here for him when he's finally done.

I can wait but right now I don't see how I can ever want him back. How do you forgive this? How do you trust him again? Can it really be done? Seems like the damage is done and is irreversible.

Hey, this is the time to start working on restoring the M if you want to. Think very carefully about it. You have kids who would be better off in a happy family.

If WH is seeing a shrink, I would give it more time to see what the outcome is.

He is scheduled to see a psychiatrist but the appt is aways off. He needs help now. I am just going to keep doing what I've been doing which is move on with or without him. I still don't have any definite confirmation that he knows he wants to work on the marriage. He just is starting to realize he has made a lot of mistakes and he doesn't know how we can fix this either. I need more time to think and know for sure what I am doing. I will hold off on the divorce but will leave the house on the market.

If he is talking suicide, this can't wait. See if his doctor will prescribe anti-depressants. Separated men over 30 have the highest rate of suicide.

Don't feel like you are second best. This is an addiction for him. Believe me, your feelings may change. I have been in Plan A, Plan B, and everything in between. My WH is still with OW. But my life is great now. Yours can be too, but take your time.

He has been on Anti-d's. His dr. changed his prescription today to try something else. I don't know if he will really do anything. I keep telling him that his kids need him. I am going to hold off on things because I am just as confused as he is. I go to counseling tomorrow so I will talk to her about all this and maybe I can figure something out. I knew if I started taking steps to move on that something would happen. I do know that I cannot work on the marriage while him & OW work together. He says she is probably taking another job. I'm not sure for her reasons, but if she is out of the picture I will feel much better about things. I'm going to read more in the book about this. I didn't because he denied his feelings for her after admitting them to me but now I know that he still has strong emotions for her and that he is so hurt by her rejection. She is so pretty, it makes me feel like crap.

You are so new in this. You should take your time. My WH's OW is very pretty and 16 years younger than me. So that does hurt. But she does not know my WH like I do.

Hang in there. I think that things may get better for you. But do not take him back unconditionally.

Believer,
I don't feel new to this. What do you consider new? What should my conditions be?

Sorry, I meant new to Plan B. It will give you some peace and clarity to think about things.