I made the mistake of ending Plan B a few times prematurely (based on assurances and promises from my WH instead of on proof).

I know there are certain things my WH absolutely has to do in order for me to give him another chance, things that are not negotiable, deal-breakers if he won't do them.

One of those things is him being willing to talk about the affair and to answer my questions.

I read this a long time ago and just found it again today:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

I hope it helps the WS's who post here to understand why the BS's need to talk about it, need to have their questions answered, so they CAN 'get over it'. I've seen a lot of posts lately about this problem. WS's post saying they want the BS to stop talking about it and to put it in the past; BS's post saying they need to talk about it but the WS refuses to...

I thought this was one of the things the WS was supposed to have to agree to do BEFORE the BS agrees to end Plan B? (Or if you're in Plan A and the WS doesn't agree to eventually talk about it then you should go to Plan B) Maybe the real problem is that the BS's are allowing the WS's another chance too soon, before they have made a committment to do what's needed for full recovery?

This is just one of the mistakes I made in ending Plan B too soon. I see other posters are making some of the mistakes I made too. I certainly understand why we accept mere promises without proof sometimes. But we are just dragging it out longer, making it more painful, and making success even less likely, when we fail to follow the plans correctly. Instead of trying Plan B over and over again, I can see now that just once following Plan B correctly most likely would have ended this painful mess a long time ago. Don't be in a hurry and don't accept anything less than what you know you really need and deserve.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Also,

Don't respond to the WS giving false hope (dangling tempting promises in front of you that are not backed up by proof) or making threats (to scare you into caving in to THEIR unacceptable conditions).

Dont' respond to them out of fear but out of self-respect and confidence.

Meremortal...I wonder if you could answer a question...my WS is so attached to OW...that he does not to hurt her in any way...did you find your Ws constantly speaking highly of the OW...the reason in my case this is contradictory is because WS's other woman is the complete opposite of me in every way...no morals, already split up two marriages, very needy etc...all throughout this ordeal I have conducted myself with dignity, morals and self respect...none of the qualities in OW..( she gave her children to abusive, methadone exhusband to get WS to return to her)...I am puzzled why a manwho went from all the qualities I have descibed in myself defends this type of woman..do you have any insight into this?

New Outlook,

I probably won't be much help on this question because my husband is a serial adulterer. He is abusive: verbally, emotionally & physically. In addition to the usual reasons a WS might defend the OP to the BS, my WH defends the OW partly as a way to emotionally abuse me. Defending me is something he never did and the abusive way he talks to me and treats me is probably something he has never done to an OW.

He has problems with trust from his childhood. And the family counselor agrees the one he really hates is his mother - but takes it out on me. He has also been described by counselors as delusional and sociopathic. He was raised in a family that values dishonesty and not only condones lying but expects it. So in my WH's case, he isn't merely saying and doing bizarre fog stuff because of his current affair... more like he's having another affair because he had problems already.

But in general, here are some of the reasons I think some WS's pretend the OP is flawless:

the fog

addiction

normal 'honeymoon' period of any relationship -
they are too blinded by 'love' to see the OP's faults yet

they're too trusting and naive to suspect the OP's motives

the OP has been so successfulyl deceptive they don't really know them very well yet

embarrassment - don't want to admit they've been lied to or lured by somebody with an agenda

embarrassment - don't want to admit they lowered their standards

embarrassment or stubborness - don't want to hear BS say "I told you so - I was right and you were wrong about OP"

ego - want to believe they snagged a gem of a 'good' guy/gal; want other people to think they 'scored' a real trophy

it's what they have to believe in order to justify hurting the BS and kids - that the OP was worth it

it's easier to handle the guilt if they convince themselves it's their 'soulmate', if it's just 'meant to be' then they're supposedly innocent

when a person strays from their usual morals to do something they normally wouldn't do, they adjust their beliefs accordingly in order to accomodate what they did

adultery always involves dishonesty - so why should it be unusual for the WS to lie about the qualities, morals, morals, and behavior of the OP?

Maybe what they will consider acceptable morals or behavior from an adultery partner is just a lot lower than what they would expect from their spouse? Usually at the beginning of an affair, the WS is not really considering divorcing their spouse and marrying the OP, just planning on having some secret fun that they assume will never amount to much. So they aren't really too concerned about the OP being better than the BS in the beginning. The - oops - they fall 'in love', are addicted, and then are too embarrassed to admit the OP is sub-standard.