I am FWS, desperately trying to save a marriage in which my husband claims to have moved on...
During the time we were separated I had an EA online relationship with a guy. Over time , due to his work commitments, it ended. Recently he lost his job and has come back online. Mistakenly, I thought we could renew the friendship aspect of our relationship. He has a gf now and I am back with my husband, and struggling to put the zing back into our marriage. I was wrong. In the few weeks that we have been chatting occasionally and in a friendly way, all my feelings for him have come back. Last night I laid in bed and sobbed and sobbed. I now understand NC and why it needs to be for life. Unfortunately I am having to go through pain in order to understand it...Im about to email him the NC letter. Wish me luck!

Good luck, and good for you. It is a painful lesson, but many others here are struggling with NC too. Just look at it like quitting smoking, drinking or drugs, you have to completely quit, not taper down. It never works.

Debbra,
Unfortunately for you, you have had to learn this very important lesson the hard way. However, the encouraging news is this: YOU have finally GOT IT !
Your eyes have been opened and you now know what you need to do (as well as what you can never do again). It is always counted as a good day in my book whenever a WS finally gets a light bulb moment. So good for you! This is a huge step for your life. Because until YOU get it , *IT* doesn't mean anything.

Although, the withdrawal will still be difficult, you at least now understand that there is a way for it to never return. (NO Contact!)

YOU can and will get through this. You now realize that you can never be just "friends". Indeed, that line was crossed long ago and can never be brought back.

Now a few questions: Did you send the letter? Did it leave NO Room for a reconection? Did you take the further step to Block his email address? (I believe you may need this ).

In any case, glad to read that your Fog is lifting & clarity is returning. Wishing you continued success in your M and in your recovery. Keep it UP! Also as you requested--- Good Luck!

yes i sent the email...hardest thing Ive done in a long time. There is really no fear of the relationship being sparked off again as he is very happy in his present relationship .... for him the friendship thing was fine. It me who has the problems and the feelings. I know he will support me in whatever. The only problem is that we chat in the same chatroom (which is where much of my support in this situation comes from). I am simply determined to put him on ignore, should I have a problem with him simply being there at the same time as me. Thanks for your wishes:)

Debbra,

Good for you! You've done the hard part, Just Doing It. Now continue to stay strong and don't Go Back. We both know its the BEST thing for all parties involved (even if it doesn't probably Feel like it right now.)

Just remember that "feelings" are just that:feelings. You feel things everyday---You feel hungry, you feel hot, you feel tired......but none of these "feelings" will kill you. And neither will this one. With time... combined with a proper plan and attitude it will get easier. Thanks for giving yourself this chance to find out. later

Debbra,

How are you doing?

You might have to just stay out of that chat room in order to avoid contact with the OM.

Please don't continue contact with the OM. It will just cause you more suffering in the long run. It's bad enough to have to go through withdrawals once or twice... don't put yourself through it over and over again.

I actually feel sorry for my WH sometimes because he can't seem to end all contact with the OW. Therefore he has dragged this out for almost a year (just the break-up with OW! He has been trying to "end it for good" since last July!) I have never seen him so depressed. Our daughters are totally disgusted with him as a result and now won't even speak to him.

For you own sake I hope you can really keep up the no contact this time.

Surprisingly I am finding the NC thing very easy. Writing the NC letter was like drawing a line under the relationship. We still coincide in teh same chatroom occasionally. This doesnt pull on my heartstrings at all. The way he is in the main room is very different from his private persona. I am feeling more and more distanced from him. I am quite prepared to leave the room if I feel any emotions (which I did do teh day after I sent the NC letter...I havent felt the need to do so since). Thanks for your support!

That's great news Debbra,

Also, I think it illustrates just how important it is to send that no contact letter.

There's a lot of resistance from some WS's to send the no contact letter. I suspect for some they really are hoping contact can somehow continue (either to just be friends or to continue the affair). But even if the WS really does intend to end contact/affair, really is resiting sending the no contact letter because they truly believe it's not necessary or they believe it's mean/harmful, IMO it's essential to do.

It really is like a line in the sand or boundary being set.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

One thing nobody has touched on is the importance of NC for the BS. Yes, the flames of the A die down and the WS in many cases want to maintain the friendship that has evolved. But I can tell you from experience it never gets easier for the BS whether there are feeling or not. My W's continued contact after a ONS 2 + years ago may doom our marriage. Not the ONS but her unwillingness to end contact. It is like water on a rock. If you had any idea what this side is like you would be more enthused about NC. Debra good for you.